I want/need to move!

[EarthChild]

Here is the deal (btw I live in ontario Canada)

I moved here with my husband 5 years ago. We had a child who is now 3 yrs old. I left him last year due to various issues (one being my belief.. that he is gay/bi (I now have proof to the effect)) Noone has filed any paperwork of anykind.

he sees her regularly and he does pay childsupport.. but he has never been ordered to do so (as neither one of us has been to a lawyer)

I finished college 6 months ago and have been unable to find work.. I am living with a friend and am currently on social assistance.

I have no family or anyone nearby. And I really need to go "home" (another province)

My question is this:

I am planning on going on vacation to my parents in a few weeks. If I decide to not come back and in the meantime find a job there.. get health cards and daughter enrolled in peschool and started the paperwork for seperation.. and then notify her father that I have found a job there and will not be coming back. But he can move out there if he wants to be closer and I would help to make sure he has as much visitation as possible.

Would he be able to make me go back? There is nothing here for me.. nothing.. no job.. no family.. I have a few friends but none really close.. as they were mostly his family before I left him. I do not want to bring up my daughter up like this (on social services).. I have little to no selfesteem because of the whole "gay" episode of my husbands.. questioning myself nad whathaveyou.

Its been a bad year and I just need to go home and recuperate. Please tell me the repercusions of what i am about/want to do.

 

[Ambr]

not really sure on the canada part, but can i make a suggestion? just in case he is able to fight your relocation, be able to show that you attempted to locate work in the area that you are living in now. be able to show rejection letters and a list of people that you have applied for work with, with contact information for each possible employer. be able to show that you have done everything possible to locate work in that area.

 

[EarthChild]

thanks Ambr

I don't have rejection letters. Anything that I applied for I either

a) didn't hear back from
or
b) had an interview or two and then didn't hear back from.

I found it quite rude and with a couple of the places I even phoned back to see whether or not the position had been filled and if so, why I wasn't chosen for the position.

Unfortunately, the people were not at their desk and I had to leave voice messages. And of course even after leaving several over a few days, I never got a return call.

I contacted a lawyer and he said that it would be unwise of me to just go and then tell him because it would make me look deceitful.

But he said if I told my ex a while ahead of time. And if he did try to stop me that chances are the judge would rule in my favor?

I don't buy it. And then I keep thinking.. ok well if I tell him and then he takes her for a few hours one day.. what if he decides not to give her back? Then what?

 

[Ambr]

your lawyer would know best.

speaking from personal (although this was in the states) it is easier to do if you notify him in advance and go through the legal steps before you take off.

just taking off could look deceitful on your part. he could push that you planned it all along because of the vacation with your parents.

totally understand about the no call backs or rejection letters, but keep a little log of the companies that you applied with and the dates of the phone interviews, person interviews and call backs. along with the name of the person that you spoke with, if it is just the name of the secretary. if possible, back this up with phone records.

not to sound stupid - high school was so long ago - your providence is like our states, right? divorce in canada - do you have to meet a residency requirement in the providence before you can file? is it possible that he could file right away and you would have to wait if you moved. this would pull everything back into his providence and you traveling back and forth for the court hearings.

until something is decided in court - you both have equal rights to the child. worse case - while you are working he can pick the child up and bring her back to his providence.

just a quick question - why a separation instead of a divorce?

 

[EarthChild]

Our provinces are the same as your states. And why a speration? I don't know I am just going with what my lawyer said at first. I found out though that yeah I have to be a resident of a province for a year before I can file for divorce in that province.

I don't know what I m going to do. It looks as if I will go on vacation and come back. And then talk to her father about my wanting to go back home. I know he will disagree and I do not know what type of a chance I will have if it goes to court.

I know it is his child.. but the way I see it. from day one I never got any help from him. he sees his spending time with her as "babysitting" even though he rarely does anything with her besides plop her in front of the tv and him play computer.

I am angry because he has everything here.. family.. job. I came out here with him thinking he was going to love me.. and he turned cold and never wanted to spend time.. he would go away on business for a month.. come home drop his bags and say well i am going to see the guys. Then the evidence of him being gay....

and I feel like I am the one being punished for being stupid enough to believe in him. I will have to go to court just to see if I can go home.. back to where I belong.. back to my family.. where I can mend and look for work.. and not have to worry whether or not I have enough for milk. I hate him for this.

I know its his daughter too.. but why do I have to stay here where I have nothing and he seemingly has everything? he can come and visit her when he can.. and I would of course let her go to his place to see him.. hell i would even drive for 8 hours and meet him half way for him to take her for two weeks here and there.

I am just tired of thinking.. guess its time to see what will happen.

Thanks for the advice

I don't know. I am so confused.

 

[Ambr]

one thing you can push for is that this marriage will be ending that it is non-repairable (if that is the situation) and that ending the marriage will leave you with no support system what-so-ever in that providence.

if the judge were to allow your relocation. you have the opportunity of a support system - mental and actual help - from your family. your daughter has other family members there. the move would allow you employment that is not available in your current providence - like i said before, have some sort of proof on this - and that it would enable you to take better care of your daughter. have your visitation schedule set up. show that you want to keep the relationship with the father. also another plus, his job requires him to be away for a month or better at a time. this would show he would be unable to care for her like he should as a primary caregiver and that you have a job that would enable that to happen. you have been her caregiver since birth.

just some ideas on what to push at.