I want to move

[Spidermansmom]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NY

I have a two children, a son from a previous relationship, and a daughter from my current partner. I have joint custody with my son's father and I have placement. According to our custody agreement, I need his fathers consent to move out of state. I am positive that my son's father won't agree to this, is there any way around it?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NY

I have a two children, a son from a previous relationship, and a daughter from my current partner. I have joint custody with my son's father and I have placement. According to our custody agreement, I need his fathers consent to move out of state. I am positive that my son's father won't agree to this, is there any way around it?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

What are your reasons for wanting to move?

 

[Spidermansmom]

honestly, there are a few reasons. 1. there isn't a lot of job opportunity where I live 2. i don't believe my son's father is a good influence on him. He teaches our son to fight, which he is now getting in trouble for at school. His discipline methods are way over the top. He has made our son sit in front of the bathroom for 3 hours while playing because our son pooped his pants.

I want our son to know his father and have a loving relationship with him, I would just rather it was every other holiday and a couple weeks during the summer so that he doesn't have to go to his house every other week and have someone be mean to him all the time and teach him to be a jerk.

 

[Proserpina]

honestly, there are a few reasons. 1. there isn't a lot of job opportunity where I live 2. i don't believe my son's father is a good influence on him. He teaches our son to fight, which he is now getting in trouble for at school. His discipline methods are way over the top. He has made our son sit in front of the bathroom for 3 hours while playing because our son pooped his pants.

I want our son to know his father and have a loving relationship with him, I would just rather it was every other holiday and a couple weeks during the summer so that he doesn't have to go to his house every other week and have someone be mean to him all the time and teach him to be a jerk.

Well, you do have the option of NOT teaching him to be a jerk - you should have at least some influence, you know? Dad is allowed to be a crappy parent - whether or not you agree with his methods doesn't enter the equation (and that goes both ways - Dad can disagree with yours all he likes but he can't force you to do things his way).

So far you have not listed anything which would justify either a modification to the order or a petition asking the court to allow the move.

(Well, you can always ask - but it's not going to happen)

 

[Proserpina]

And I have to ask - wouldn't having both you and Dad attend co-parenting classes be much better for everyone than you simply moving your son away from his father?

 

[Spidermansmom]

what about moving for a new job, could i do that?

 

[Spidermansmom]

ive tried talking to his father about it he just tells me that he is going to do what he wants to do. i highly doubt that he would go to classes as he doesn't feel he is doing anything wrong

 

[Proserpina]

what about moving for a new job, could i do that?

YOU can move wherever you want. But kiddo isn't going anywhere unless you can show that it will be in his best interests and even then Dad can still object.

Are you saying you can't get any job where you are now?

The other alternative would be to allow Dad physical custody and you become the NCP.

 

[CJane]

Some states are more "move-away friendly" then others. NY is not one of those states, from what I've read.

It's highly unlikely that you'd be granted the right to move your child from the state unless Dad does not object.

What is the current visitation schedule?

Does Dad utilize all of his visitation?

Are you prepared, if granted the right to relocate the child, to then send child to Dad's residence for most holidays/extended weekends, every other major holiday, half of Christmas break, and 6-10 weeks in summer? At your expense.

Also, one thing to consider - the reason "He's a crappy parent" isn't gonna fly is that if he's THAT BAD when he only has kiddo for a couple of days at a time, how on earth can you justify the child spending EXTENDED periods of time with him? See how that's a problem?

 

[BL]

NY is a big State to find a Job .

I bet even a couple three towns-villages-counties away has jobs .

Maybe the ones you don't care for ,but that's not the issue .

It's a broken record and excuse where CPs want to move out of State for a Job ,or better Job.

You'd need Dad's or the court's permission ,and if it's Dad's it had better be written by him ,dated and signed and kept in a really safe place against loss .Better yet entered into the court record files.

 

[nextwife]

It's a broken record and excuse where CPs want to move out of State for a Job ,or better Job.

Sure is. And often it's not even the CP trying to better their own ability to earn a good income, its a third party, a "legal stranger" to the child whose job they want to move for.

 

[maryjo]

honestly, there are a few reasons. 1. there isn't a lot of job opportunity where I live 2. i don't believe my son's father is a good influence on him. He teaches our son to fight, which he is now getting in trouble for at school. His discipline methods are way over the top. He has made our son sit in front of the bathroom for 3 hours while playing because our son pooped his pants.

I want our son to know his father and have a loving relationship with him, I would just rather it was every other holiday and a couple weeks during the summer so that he doesn't have to go to his house every other week and have someone be mean to him all the time and teach him to be a jerk.

As for teaching your son to fight. Thats kind of a guy thing. Most men teach their sons to fight at some point. My ex was a Marine. He has been teaching our son hand to hand combat, how to use a knife, how to shoot guns, etc. since he could walk. I wasnt real happy about it when we were together and I am still not. So I take it as MY job to make sure that our son knows he isnt EVER to actually use that stuff. Its a bonding thing for them. I also make sure I mention, in front of ex and son, that he has to be very careful with it and cant use it, say, at school. And ex will usually back me up on that.

Everyone has their own methods for discipline. While I would never use what your ex did, I dont think its technically abuse or anything like that. He obviously doesnt have much experience in taking care of children but it seems he is at least TRYING!

As for you getting to decide when the child sees it's father. Sorry...thats not happening. Its not up to you.

 

[Spidermansmom]

Thanks for the advice everyone. Although I find some of you to be a bit harsh, I still appreciate it.

I would just like to make it clear that I really don't want to cut my son's father out of his life, I just want my son to be the best person he could be. He's a wonderfully sweet boy and every time he comes home from his dad's he's got an attitude (at 3 years old), he hits me, and I hate to see him having to get in trouble for these things that he can't control. I've even listened in on him playing alone in his room and hearing him playing pretend and having one toy be a little boy, and the other the daddy and my son is yelling at the daddy because he is mean. His dad makes him so upset and it's very hard for me to see him feeling like that from someone who is supposed to protect him. I should probably be seeking help from a psychological advice page perhaps to learn how to counteract what his father teaches him. Does anyone here know of anything like that?

 

[CJane]

You have to recognize that some of what you're seeing is VERY normal for a 3 year old. I have a nearly 4 year old boy who occasionally (usually after having "guy time") hits, punches, kicks, "karate chops" etc. He acts things out through his toys too, just as you describe.

He also tells me things like "I can't go to Babysitter's house today, she hates me." or "Babysitter punched me in the face."

Neither of those things are true, or even remotely close to anything that could possibly happen. But the words come out of his mouth and he seems totally sincere.

Three year olds are weird.

Are you involved in parents as teachers? A play group? Does he go to preschool?