commentator
Senior Member
Okay, having hysterical reaction here to some of the advice. This woman didn't even have the opportunity to dial 911 before she got the phone knocked out of her hand and she was in a death grip, being threatened with imminent death. Because, of course, she was fighting with him verbally, not expecting the physical, as so many women do not, and she tried to threaten, grabbed up the phone without much real intent to call the cops, because she was just hoping to threaten her way into getting what she wanted. Do you really believe that this person, even if she now purchased a knife today and carried a knife on her person, right in the pocket of her house coat or her bra or wherever, would be able to get it out and start slashing enough to protect herself? She would be much more likely to enrage him or hurt him enough to make him use the knife on her. This is an untrained, at least late youth or middle aged person. Who has probably not been into too much physical fighting in her life. The time it would take for her to train herself for self defense with gun or knife or pepper spray is time she needs to spend getting this person the hell out of her home and her life!
She should not, repeat, not, from now on express anything provoking to him. Do not give him warning, threaten him, tell him what you're going to do, talk it out, etc. That's his game that he is playing right now, he's scaring you, threatening you with his behavior and words. When someone tells you how much they'd love to beat the heck out of you, that's a threat. When they get out their guns and tell someone how they'd go about shooting someone, how they'd hide the body, etc, that's a threat. You do not have to get more evidence based on further incidents. You even have a witness to some of the threats and abuse, your 20 year old son. (Interesting situation, really, this!)
It is very easy to see how this situation with you happening to have a gun, or even another weapon, could really go south if he were hurting you and your son decided to intervene (why not have him call the police if he's around?) I knew of a situation where this very thing happened, the son was younger, but he got the boyfriend's gun and killed him while he and momma were fighting. Lasting trauma in that one for sure.
In domestic violence situations, things do not work as they do on television and in movies. Those scenarios are rehearsed. People you threaten are much more likely to take the weapon away from you and knock a few of your teeth down your throat, which will make you really lose focus on what you're trying to do with the weapon. Self defense in domestic violence situations usually just gives the person an excuse to escalate, unless you are very good at it. If you are actually attacked, if you have any neighbors, be prepared to scream bloody murder as loud and as long as possible. That's better defense than a knife. If a neighbor or passer by hears and calls 911, either you or he will go to jail for the evening anyway, whether you get the number called or not. Tell your son to call 911 if you start screaming. Incidentally, if you're threatened or hurt and you wait until the person in asleep or passed out and then shoot them or cut their throat, you're probably looking at jail time.
But when someone is a threat to you, you don't argue with them, provoke them, verbally defend your actions, try to reason, do not follow them from room to room trying to make your point or be heard, stay away, diffuse, be non confrontational, until you have obtained the papers to have him removed from your home. And YES, YOU DO HAVE ENOUGH TO GET HIM OUT OF YOUR HOME. Do not wait for "more evidence" that he is dangerous to you. See someone quickly, quietly and decisively before this situation gets worse. And as others have said, once you get the order, DO NOT be reasonable. If you see him again, anywhere, for any reason, call the police immediately. Do not be a nice person, talk to him, try to help him. It didn't work before, and promise, he'll get tired of trying to get his victim back if you stop being one. Please, talk to the domestic violence people and get something set up where you have a safe place to retreat to. Keep CAR KEYS were you have access to them, along with your phone, as your self defense weapons. Even if you have to get out of the house in your pajamas or naked, it beats being murdered. Take decisive action quickly please!
It would be unfair and dangerous of you to complain to and try to involve any of your deceased husbands friends in a protective role, though their advice and support might be helpful if they are in law enforcement. But in this type of case, your commitment to getting this man out of your house and out of your life must be complete. And you are not going to accomplish this in any pretty or easy way. Do it legally, as quickly as possible.
She should not, repeat, not, from now on express anything provoking to him. Do not give him warning, threaten him, tell him what you're going to do, talk it out, etc. That's his game that he is playing right now, he's scaring you, threatening you with his behavior and words. When someone tells you how much they'd love to beat the heck out of you, that's a threat. When they get out their guns and tell someone how they'd go about shooting someone, how they'd hide the body, etc, that's a threat. You do not have to get more evidence based on further incidents. You even have a witness to some of the threats and abuse, your 20 year old son. (Interesting situation, really, this!)
It is very easy to see how this situation with you happening to have a gun, or even another weapon, could really go south if he were hurting you and your son decided to intervene (why not have him call the police if he's around?) I knew of a situation where this very thing happened, the son was younger, but he got the boyfriend's gun and killed him while he and momma were fighting. Lasting trauma in that one for sure.
In domestic violence situations, things do not work as they do on television and in movies. Those scenarios are rehearsed. People you threaten are much more likely to take the weapon away from you and knock a few of your teeth down your throat, which will make you really lose focus on what you're trying to do with the weapon. Self defense in domestic violence situations usually just gives the person an excuse to escalate, unless you are very good at it. If you are actually attacked, if you have any neighbors, be prepared to scream bloody murder as loud and as long as possible. That's better defense than a knife. If a neighbor or passer by hears and calls 911, either you or he will go to jail for the evening anyway, whether you get the number called or not. Tell your son to call 911 if you start screaming. Incidentally, if you're threatened or hurt and you wait until the person in asleep or passed out and then shoot them or cut their throat, you're probably looking at jail time.
But when someone is a threat to you, you don't argue with them, provoke them, verbally defend your actions, try to reason, do not follow them from room to room trying to make your point or be heard, stay away, diffuse, be non confrontational, until you have obtained the papers to have him removed from your home. And YES, YOU DO HAVE ENOUGH TO GET HIM OUT OF YOUR HOME. Do not wait for "more evidence" that he is dangerous to you. See someone quickly, quietly and decisively before this situation gets worse. And as others have said, once you get the order, DO NOT be reasonable. If you see him again, anywhere, for any reason, call the police immediately. Do not be a nice person, talk to him, try to help him. It didn't work before, and promise, he'll get tired of trying to get his victim back if you stop being one. Please, talk to the domestic violence people and get something set up where you have a safe place to retreat to. Keep CAR KEYS were you have access to them, along with your phone, as your self defense weapons. Even if you have to get out of the house in your pajamas or naked, it beats being murdered. Take decisive action quickly please!
It would be unfair and dangerous of you to complain to and try to involve any of your deceased husbands friends in a protective role, though their advice and support might be helpful if they are in law enforcement. But in this type of case, your commitment to getting this man out of your house and out of your life must be complete. And you are not going to accomplish this in any pretty or easy way. Do it legally, as quickly as possible.
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