Immorality

[daddoesright]

My husband and I have custody of his 2 boys from a previous marriage,she gave them up because her boyfriend gave her that ultimatum.She has since been through lots of boyfriends and has been married one more time.Our problem is that her morrals are not right.I have kept a log for the past 10 years on all that she has done, examples- teaching them to light her ciggarrettes when they were 2and 3 yrs, letting them do say act however they want- she taught them to stick up thier middle finger and say this is my f****** identity, fighting with her boyfriends in front of the kids and thinks there is nothing wrong with it, there's a lot more but it would take all day.Anyway is there anything that we can do?We have 2 other children at home and don't want them to have that kind of influence.She calls me everyday almost to say the stupidist things, I think it's because she wants to get to me.She starts all kinds of fights with me but won't start anything woth thier father.I don't want to be rude to her for fear that the kids will be involved,she likes to put them in the middle of everything.I believe that they shouldn't know about the problems that we have with thier mother but she always tells them and makes it to be our fault.She tells them stories about things that never happened and they believe her.They come home from her house and take it out on us and we don't want to tell them the truth because they will be hurt by it.They do remember her dropping them off in the middle of the night and the youngest calls me mom,I'm greatful for that.I love these kids like they were my own but I don't know how much more I can take.She doesn't pay any type of support and never has. What can we do?Is there anything ?We live in the state of OHIO

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

My response:

Ah, yes.

One of those little crosses a stepparent has to carry throughout their married lives. There's really nothing you can do about her behavior - - when you married him, you married her also, and as a result, accepted whatever happens in such situations.

IAAL

 

[haiku]

As a stepparent,with all due respect to the poster, i have to say the problem does not lie with your husbands ex.

Iif your husband is not bothered by this, why should you be? As a stepparent, why are you even talking to this woman? you need to let your husband deal with this problem. get an answering mchine. your priority should be to YOUR 2 children in this home.

Your husband, on the other hand, is parent to 4 children, and if he cannot balance that duty you have bigger problems.

 

[daddoesright]

I am bothered by this because I have 2 children that are affected by this, they see what is going on. My husband is equally bothered. I know I don't have any rights to these children but I have done every thing that she should've done, getting thier booster shots, getting them of the bottle, potty training etc...

The reason I talk to her is not because I want to but because she asks for me when talking to her boys. How can I tell them that I don't like her and don't want to talk to her? I can't tell them that, it would do more harm than good. I have tried letting the machine pick up her calls but that doesn't work when the fact is that when ever she calls and talks to the boys she tells them to put me on the phone, not thier father.

My priority is all 4 of my children, lets see if you can raise kids and not love all the same way and in the same form.

 

[TxStep]

Be sure that you are occupied when she calls to talk to her children. If you get into the shower while she is talking to the kids, you can avoid the annoyance of having to talk to her. Just avoid her at all costs. You can do this without being rude and without the kids catching on.

As far a child support goes, your husband should go after her for that. It is the children's right to be supported financially by both parents.

Is there a statement in the custody arrangement that neither parent should make disparaging remarks about the other? If so, your husband may have a case for contempt of court.

Above all else, try to stay out of this as much as possible.

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

ISSUE #1
The reason I talk to her is not because I want to but because she asks for me when talking to her boys. How can I tell them that I don't like her and don't want to talk to her? . . . whenever she calls and talks to the boys she tells them to put me on the phone, not thier father.

MY RESPONSE: So, with this statement, you are now telling us that you have lost your "free will" - - that you have lost your self-esteem - - and have lost "who" you are ?

Is that what you're saying?

You don't have to tell the kids "I don't like her". All you have to say is "No, I have no time right now."



ISSUE #2
My priority is all 4 of my children, lets see if you can raise kids and not love all the same way and in the same form.

MY RESPONSE: No one has ever said that you, or any other stepparent, shouldn't love all of the children in their household. This is a non-issue. Of course, if you have the capacity, you should love all of your children, and the stepchildren, equally. There's no argument here.

The only problem with your post, as I see it, is that you chose this life. You married HIM, and you married HER too. This is the situation for stepparents.

As Harry Truman once said, "If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen."

This maxim holds true for stepparents.

IAAL

 

[kristine51]

what was overlooked

as a step parent, yes we chose the role we are in now. but take a look at her post again. BM is doing this in FRONT of the kids. in AZ it is a form of harassment and sometimes considered abuse. these actions on the BM's part have been documented for 10 years....

let your husband deal with BM from now on, you tell her that you no longer wish to speak to her anymore, then put it in writing and send it to her certified mail.

child support is completely up to your husband to follow thru on.

might want to consider going to family counseling so that everyone in the household can get an idea of how the others feel about the fallout from the visits.

 

[daddoesright]

Maybe in some ways I have lost who I am in all of this, but you have to understand that I am trying to do my best to make sure these kids have a good life noone else is doing it. It's kind of hard to avoid the conversations with her when I am the primary caretaker of all the children in my household. My husband works almost 12 hour days and I only work when the kids are in school, so I am mostly the only one home with them when she calls. My children know they come first in my life no matter what. I'm the one she wants because she knows that I have done everything for them and knows everything about them, my husband and her don't even know what size shoes they wear.

So what you are saying by your quote from Harry Truman is that because I don't want them to be juvenile delinquents or have the kind of lives that a lot of kids are growing up with these days is that I should leave them? I will never give up on these kids and only a coward would. I may not like what has been happening for these past 10 years but I promised them that I would never let them go. I will support them in everything and anything!! If they wanted me to not care anymore sure it would hurt me but thier feelings come first.

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

My response:

Well, then the "heat" hasn't gotten hot enough in the kitchen for you.

No one is saying you should leave your husband or your family. It's just that *this* is the life you've chosen, and you take your husband's ex the way she is; i.e., you have no real gripes and there is no legal way out, and certainly no legal way to stop her or change her attitude. You made your choice - - it's just a matter of you finally learning to accept the situation without complaining about it.

You have accepted this way of life, and this will be your life.

You have chosen to put someone else's children ahead of your own life and right to happiness. Martyrdom, and acceptance of the ex-wife's attitude, is a very lonely road.

IAAL

 

[qtpie]

I agree with most everyone else's opinions. However, one thing that I did think of is that SOMETIMES, a NC step-parent doesn't ALWAYS know what they're getting into. For example, a custody change could take place AFTER the NCP re-marries, and I don't think there is anyone that could be prepared for that.

From what I've read, you're letting this woman run your life. Why are you talking to her on the phone? I don't get it. You're not legally obligated to her OR the children. Yes. I'm sure you love them all the same and I applaud you for that (even though I know damn well I'd never love my SD as much as my OWN kids so obviously you're a better woman that I am), but there should be specified time for phone visitation and it should be between the mother and the children. Not you. Do you have caller ID? If not, get it, and don't answer the phone when she calls. If she tells the kids she wants to talk to you, tell them she needs to write you a letter. She won't do it because it's too much trouble.

She's trying to get the best of you and she's doing a fine job.
Technically, this is your DH's fight. If his balls aren't big enough to do anything about it, then you should be taking out your frustrations on him. If the piece-of-trash bio-mom would pay her support, maybe your DH wouldn't have to work 12 hour days.