In dire need of some assistance/advice, please!

[concernedMOMof4]

What is the name of your state? Missouri

I am so stressed out! My ex has custody of our 4 children because I was stupid enough to let him intimidate me during the divorce. Anyway, we have been divorced for almost 7 yrs. All of my children want to come live with me and my spouse. They don't like the way that their stepmom treats them and how their father has changed since he remarried. My oldest had to take babysitting classes along with CPR/FIRST AID and staying home alone classes shortly after he met his wife. Justin (my oldest) has practically raised the kids and none of them have had the chance of having a normal child hood. Justin is graduating this year (he is 17) and is in all honors classes. He has been forced to work to pay for a car he didn't ask for. He has told his dad he doesn't want the car but his dad makes him keep the car because he makes him run the kids wherever they need to go. Justin went for 3 months of being sick, telling his dad and stepmom (both of them failing to make him a drs appt) and they just said they were getting tired of him complaining. I ended up having to take him to the emergency room to find out he had gastro-inti tis. They finally took him to the family dr and found out that it was all caused from stress. Justin had lost 47 lbs My daughter is 14 and a tomboy and they refuse to let her dress the way she is comfortable. They force her to wear form fitting clothes to look like a little girl. She can't wear her hair the way she wants (cut about chin length). My 2nd oldest who will be 16 has a job that he loves, but they don't give him the proper supervision needed. He has been in trouble with the law and has become a habitual liar. Then there is my youngest who will be 8 next month. Everytime we talk to him, he wants to know why he can't come live with me. My ex is in Quatar (overseas) right now and wont be back until after Christmas. So they are home alone with their stepmom who basically has no time for them. She yells at them all of the time ... and if they dont do what she wants when she wants then she goes to her room and locks herself in and then either calls or emails their father crying to him so they get into trouble. As you can see the 3 older kids are old enough to speak with the judge and they are all willing to. But I just don't have the money to get it into court. Is there anything I can do? Can I get it into court without having an attorney?? I just want to get it into court so the kids can speak their minds. They need to tell their side of the story.

Help please!

Sincerely,

Candi

 

[majomom1]

What is the name of your state? Missouri

I am so stressed out! My ex has custody of our 4 children because I was stupid enough to let him intimidate me during the divorce. Anyway, we have been divorced for almost 7 yrs. All of my children want to come live with me and my spouse. They don't like the way that their stepmom treats them and how their father has changed since he remarried. My oldest had to take babysitting classes along with CPR/FIRST AID and staying home alone classes shortly after he met his wife. Justin (my oldest) has practically raised the kids and none of them have had the chance of having a normal child hood. Justin is graduating this year (he is 17) and is in all honors classes. He has been forced to work to pay for a car he didn't ask for. He has told his dad he doesn't want the car but his dad makes him keep the car because he makes him run the kids wherever they need to go. Justin went for 3 months of being sick, telling his dad and stepmom (both of them failing to make him a drs appt) and they just said they were getting tired of him complaining. I ended up having to take him to the emergency room to find out he had gastro-inti tis. They finally took him to the family dr and found out that it was all caused from stress. Justin had lost 47 lbs My daughter is 14 and a tomboy and they refuse to let her dress the way she is comfortable. They force her to wear form fitting clothes to look like a little girl. She can't wear her hair the way she wants (cut about chin length). My 2nd oldest who will be 16 has a job that he loves, but they don't give him the proper supervision needed. He has been in trouble with the law and has become a habitual liar. Then there is my youngest who will be 8 next month. Everytime we talk to him, he wants to know why he can't come live with me. My ex is in Quatar (overseas) right now and wont be back until after Christmas. So they are home alone with their stepmom who basically has no time for them. She yells at them all of the time ... and if they dont do what she wants when she wants then she goes to her room and locks herself in and then either calls or emails their father crying to him so they get into trouble. As you can see the 3 older kids are old enough to speak with the judge and they are all willing to. But I just don't have the money to get it into court. Is there anything I can do? Can I get it into court without having an attorney?? I just want to get it into court so the kids can speak their minds. They need to tell their side of the story.

Help please!

Sincerely,

Candi

Are both of you in MO? What is custody per the court order? Sole/Joint... when do you have visitation?

When did Dad remarry? When did he go overseas? Are you not close enough for the kids to be with you when he goes overseas?

It looks to me like Dad has done a great job.

Don't take your kids into court. If you cannot file, or make a case in your own words, based on merit or facts that show a true change in circumstance... then don't do it.

Considering the list of accomplishments of your oldest, changing custody now will be very, very difficult.

 

[Bloopy]

My ex is in Quatar (overseas) right now and wont be back until after Christmas.

This is the only important piece of information you have given. Unless there is a court order barring you from visitation, I don’t see why the children are not staying with you while the father is deployed. Stepmom has no right to them. Would you be able to keep them attending their school?

However this is not an “emergency” so I doubt you could get this resolved before Christmas. However, I would still try to modify the custody order so that the children stay with you whenever the father is to be deployed or gone for an extended period.

I would ask the father that the children come stay with you during the deployment. If he refuses, or worse Stepmom refuses, then they won’t look good in court.

The rest of your complaint will fall on deaf ears. Dad has had custody for 7 years. Remarrying does not make him a bad father no matter how much you and kiddos dislike her.

Majormom’s questions need to be answered

 

[LdiJ]

How far apart are the two homes? Do you have joint legal custody, or does dad have sole custody?

 

[CJane]

If Dad is going to be back soon after the holidays, it's probably not worth attempting a change now (and possibly changing the kids' schools, etc) based solely on the fact he's gone to Qatar... because it's very likely you wouldn't see a courtroom before he returned.

That said, it's also very difficult to change a long-term custody order/agreement based solely on the children's wishes. Especially since MO bases whether or not the kids are heard on the judge's discretion. There's no statutory guideline for 'when' a kid can speak their mind.

You certainly wouldn't get anything changed prior to the oldest turning 18.

So... details of the order are required for more help.
How much time do you spend w/the kids NOW?
Are you current on child support?

 

[Bloopy]

If Dad is going to be back soon after the holidays, it's probably not worth attempting a change now (and possibly changing the kids' schools, etc) based solely on the fact he's gone to Qatar... because it's very likely you wouldn't see a courtroom before he returned.

True that. I was suggesting that she try to modify the order to cover future deployments. It can't hurt to ask Dad for this one without court involvement.

 

[profmum]

What is the name of your state? Missouri

I am so stressed out! My ex has custody of our 4 children because I was stupid enough to let him intimidate me during the divorce. Anyway, we have been divorced for almost 7 yrs. All of my children want to come live with me and my spouse. They don't like the way that their stepmom treats them and how their father has changed since he remarried. My oldest had to take babysitting classes along with CPR/FIRST AID and staying home alone classes shortly after he met his wife. Justin (my oldest) has practically raised the kids and none of them have had the chance of having a normal child hood. Justin is graduating this year (he is 17) and is in all honors classes. He has been forced to work to pay for a car he didn't ask for. He has told his dad he doesn't want the car but his dad makes him keep the car because he makes him run the kids wherever they need to go. Justin went for 3 months of being sick, telling his dad and stepmom (both of them failing to make him a drs appt) and they just said they were getting tired of him complaining. I ended up having to take him to the emergency room to find out he had gastro-inti tis. They finally took him to the family dr and found out that it was all caused from stress. Justin had lost 47 lbs My daughter is 14 and a tomboy and they refuse to let her dress the way she is comfortable. They force her to wear form fitting clothes to look like a little girl. She can't wear her hair the way she wants (cut about chin length). My 2nd oldest who will be 16 has a job that he loves, but they don't give him the proper supervision needed. He has been in trouble with the law and has become a habitual liar. Then there is my youngest who will be 8 next month. Everytime we talk to him, he wants to know why he can't come live with me. My ex is in Quatar (overseas) right now and wont be back until after Christmas. So they are home alone with their stepmom who basically has no time for them. She yells at them all of the time ... and if they dont do what she wants when she wants then she goes to her room and locks herself in and then either calls or emails their father crying to him so they get into trouble. As you can see the 3 older kids are old enough to speak with the judge and they are all willing to. But I just don't have the money to get it into court. Is there anything I can do? Can I get it into court without having an attorney?? I just want to get it into court so the kids can speak their minds. They need to tell their side of the story.

Help please!

Sincerely,

Candi

You can certainly represent yourself and most of your kids are old enough to have their wishes heard by the court, so it is worth a shot particularly if they neglected approrpriate medical care for your son. Kids should be with you if Dad is deployed. There seems to also be a lot of inertia on your part if this has been going on for 7 years and you should have been informed of Dad's deployment/overseas work some time ago?

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

OP - is this a one-time trip, or is the X traveling extensively for his work? When did the travel begin?

 

[CJane]

You can certainly represent yourself and most of your kids are old enough to have their wishes heard by the court, so it is worth a shot particularly if they neglected approrpriate medical care for your son.

She's claiming he was sick for THREE MONTHS and had lost 47 POUNDS. And the only diagnosis was gastroenteritis? That's stomach flu.

That's why we REALLY need to know how often Mom sees the kids. If she's going to try and claim medical neglect for a kid that's 17 and able to drive himself to the doctor, she's going to have to prove that SHE had no idea he was sick or she's just as guilty as Dad... and she didn't know or doesn't see the kids often enough... she shouldn't have custody.

Kids should be with you if Dad is deployed.

I don't necessarily agree with this either - and we don't know dad's deployed.

The kids are of an age that unless she lives near them, it's VERY possible it's in their best interests to stay where they are while Dad works overseas - they have jobs and school and are honors students - disrupting THAT would require a very good reason and that's speaking as a parent. The 8 year old has NO memory of EVER living with mom. None. How is a change in HIS/HER best interests?

 

[majomom1]

You can certainly represent yourself and most of your kids are old enough to have their wishes heard by the court, so it is worth a shot particularly if they neglected approrpriate medical care for your son. Kids should be with you if Dad is deployed. There seems to also be a lot of inertia on your part if this has been going on for 7 years and you should have been informed of Dad's deployment/overseas work some time ago?

Well... OP hasn't been back to answer any questions, so I would have to wonder just how concerned she is. I completely disagree with the kids going to court. I am a firm believer in Mom should be able to make the case, using her own words. Their wishes are important, but she can convey that to the court and all the other factors have to be addressed as well.

The accomplishments of the oldest here far outweigh the supposed "medical neglect" and if Mom has any regular contact with the kids, she could have stepped up and taken him to the family doctor, as well, and she should have known when Dad was deployed. She should have asked for the kids then.

 

[concernedMOMof4]

Ok, in my defense ... I live an hour and a half from my children. Their father is active duty Air Force. He made my oldest son get a job which is why I hardly ever get to see him. I went for almost a month and a half without seeing him because every time I went to get the kids, he was working and the same when I went to drop them off. The weekend I DID get to see him is when I took him to the emergency room. So there was no neglect on my part. I do not live close enough to just go take him to the dr. If I did, believe me, I would have. They live in Papillion NE and I live in Maitland MO. But Mark (the ex) has a state of residency as MO with his second as NE. I am truly concerned and apologize for not checking this sooner. Mark is only over in Qatar until Dec 22nd. With his job, he is continuing to go over there more frequently. My youngest may have no recollection of living with me when he was younger, however, he is old enough to know when he is being mistreated. She gives her daughter anything she asks for and does the exact opposite for the others. I don't expect her to give them everything, but at least try to treat them equal. That's not alot to ask, is it? Mark tells me I need to be more considerate of her because she went from having one child to 5 ... my thoughts on this matter is that she knew he had 4 kids when she got with him, so she should have known it wasn't going to be easy. My spouse went from having 0 children to 4 and he loves the kids dearly and disciplines them just like they were his own. He's strict but fair.

We have joint custody where I get them every other weekend, which I have not missed a weekend, unless due to bad weather .... which has only been 3 times. I have made it to all of their school functions that I have been informed about. It got bad enough I had to contact the school and ask them to send me the information because Mark and Michelle wouldn't tell me. I made it to all of my sons band competitions, no matter how far the travel ... his dad only made it to 3 in the 3 yrs Justin was in band. Mark remarried I want to say approximately 4 yrs ago. The kids are willing to switch schools as long as I don't pull them in the middle of year, which I would not do. I have sought out legal counsel and have been informed by 3 very good attorneys that I have a very strong case with the information I have supplied them with, however I cannot afford them

Ok, I hope I covered everyone's questions. Thank you all so much for your insight! It is greatly appreciated!

 

[CJane]

Ok, IF this is an ongoing issue w/medical neglect, call CPS in the county where the children live.

You can file for a modification, but honestly it's not for the faint of heart and I wouldn't recommend you do it without an attorney unless you have a great ability to research all the applicable statutes, local rules, public policies, etc.

You really do need an attorney.

 

[concernedMOMof4]

CJane, thank you so much for your advice. I appreciate it.

Sincerely,
Candi