in home supervised visitation with an infant?

[lala0024]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

Texas


I am the mother of a 5 week old child who was conceived from an affair. The father was married and decided 2 months after I was pregnant that he wanted to work things out with his wife and in turn abandoned me and the unborn child he knew all along was his.

He called me up 1 week after the due date asking for a dna test to be done - mind you after making it impossible for me to contact him while I assumed he ran off and was going to have to be hunted down by the state.
At first I disagreed, then I said I'd think about it and then I called his pastor to discuss things with him since that was the number the father left me to leave a message with if I changed my mind.

The pastor told me his wife was really the one that wanted the results sooner rather than later and that the father was not the one who wanted to abandon me but was doing as his wife asked in order to save their marriage.
To me I still say he knew this was his child and willingly chose to run away to play kiss butt rather than be there for the birth of his child.

So the father says he wants to be a father after all and I agreed to meet with him at his church next week after the test results come back and prove him as the father.


I was going to suggest he pay the suggested 20% of his net income minus his insurance payments or anything taken out aside from taxes and that since the baby has medicaid for 1 year he could just start paying the medical insurance after the baby is 1 year old.

As far as visitation goes... the baby is only 5 weeks old and this man, the father has only seen him for 10 minutes while doing the dna test. The baby is ALWAYS with me not to mention ALWAYS nursing. I'm nursing him right now as I type this (thank you boppy pillow). I personally believe that due to the lack of contact and the frequent feedings that are so on going I couldn't even pump if I wanted to that it would be in the baby's best interest if the father visits the baby at my house so I can supervise, help him with the baby until he gets the hang of it and am available to nurse as often as the baby needs. I'm willing to let the father visit the baby as often as he likes with reasonable notice prior to his visit but my only stipulation is that his wife can not come.

This whole ordeal is stressful enough for me and honestly if I never saw the father again it would be too soon, but I'm trying as much as I can to put the baby first and know that he needs his dad just as much as me.
I understand that eventually my little one will know his father more and will be nursing less frequently and the day will come when his dad can start taking him out of the nest and when that happens his wife will be able to see him and I'm fine with that. I just don't want her at my place anymore than I am sure she wants me at hers.

I'm just concerned that this stipulation will cause his wife to throw a fit that will land us in court.

If this should cause the father to want to go to court rather than working things out as best as we can on our own is it likely the court would side with me or them?

Am I being unresonable with this request?

I was thinking it would be best to do in home visits until the baby is 4-6 months old but I don't know if I'm just being too over protective. It's honestly hard for me to think of the man who left me in so much distress in the beginning stages of pregnancy that actually put me in a high risk for miscarriage is going to pop in after the delivery and play father of the year but I am trying to be as open minded as I can and put the baby first.

Sorry for such a long post I just hoped to give enough information to get the most insightful responses.

Thanks in advance for all advice and insights.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

Texas


I am the mother of a 5 week old child who was conceived from an affair. The father was married and decided 2 months after I was pregnant that he wanted to work things out with his wife and in turn abandoned me and the unborn child he knew all along was his.

He called me up 1 week after the due date asking for a dna test to be done - mind you after making it impossible for me to contact him while I assumed he ran off and was going to have to be hunted down by the state.
At first I disagreed, then I said I'd think about it and then I called his pastor to discuss things with him since that was the number the father left me to leave a message with if I changed my mind.

The pastor told me his wife was really the one that wanted the results sooner rather than later and that the father was not the one who wanted to abandon me but was doing as his wife asked in order to save their marriage.
To me I still say he knew this was his child and willingly chose to run away to play kiss butt rather than be there for the birth of his child.

So the father says he wants to be a father after all and I agreed to meet with him at his church next week after the test results come back and prove him as the father.


I was going to suggest he pay the suggested 20% of his net income minus his insurance payments or anything taken out aside from taxes and that since the baby has medicaid for 1 year he could just start paying the medical insurance after the baby is 1 year old.

As far as visitation goes... the baby is only 5 weeks old and this man, the father has only seen him for 10 minutes while doing the dna test. The baby is ALWAYS with me not to mention ALWAYS nursing. I'm nursing him right now as I type this (thank you boppy pillow). I personally believe that due to the lack of contact and the frequent feedings that are so on going I couldn't even pump if I wanted to that it would be in the baby's best interest if the father visits the baby at my house so I can supervise, help him with the baby until he gets the hang of it and am available to nurse as often as the baby needs. I'm willing to let the father visit the baby as often as he likes with reasonable notice prior to his visit but my only stipulation is that his wife can not come.

This whole ordeal is stressful enough for me and honestly if I never saw the father again it would be too soon, but I'm trying as much as I can to put the baby first and know that he needs his dad just as much as me.
I understand that eventually my little one will know his father more and will be nursing less frequently and the day will come when his dad can start taking him out of the nest and when that happens his wife will be able to see him and I'm fine with that. I just don't want her at my place anymore than I am sure she wants me at hers.

I'm just concerned that this stipulation will cause his wife to throw a fit that will land us in court.

If this should cause the father to want to go to court rather than working things out as best as we can on our own is it likely the court would side with me or them?

Am I being unresonable with this request?

I was thinking it would be best to do in home visits until the baby is 4-6 months old but I don't know if I'm just being too over protective. It's honestly hard for me to think of the man who left me in so much distress in the beginning stages of pregnancy that actually put me in a high risk for miscarriage is going to pop in after the delivery and play father of the year but I am trying to be as open minded as I can and put the baby first.

Sorry for such a long post I just hoped to give enough information to get the most insightful responses.

Thanks in advance for all advice and insights.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

Daddy is NOT going to be supervised just because you are breast feeding. The fact that you are breastfeeding matters not. The father did NOT abandon you nor did the father know that he was the father until a DNA test was done. If you were sleeping with a married man who knows how many others you were also having sex with. The courts expect paternity to be established as there is no presumption with unmarried couples. Just because you say he is doesn't mean he is.

As for medicaid -- if daddy has insurance available the state will expect him to provide it. Medicaid would become a second. Also the state will determine what daddy will pay. Not you.

Truthfully the father should take you to court and court orders should be gotten as they protect everyone. The father will be able to take the child back to his home where his wife lives if that is what he wishes.

 

[lala0024]

so you are saying that even though I have documented proof of him admitting to being the father from back when we found out he still did not abandon the baby?

He talked about it at least 100 times over email and instant messenger.

Also are you saying that even though breastfeeding is in the best interest of this child and every child the court is going to expect me to start bottle feeding my infant?

Are you also saying that even though this baby has had no time at all with the father the courts are going to take a newborn out of its familar surroundings the first day the father decides he wants to visit the baby?

Also... I don't think you read my posts ma'am.. He and I are going to try to work this out without going through the courts the only reason he would have to wish to go to court will be because his wife pushes him to because she wants to supervise his visits because he is clearly untrustworthy

 

[mistoffolees]

so you are saying that even though I have documented proof of him admitting to being the father from back when we found out he still did not abandon the baby?

Irrelevant. Until there's a court determination of paternity, none of that matters.

He talked about it at least 100 times over email and instant messenger.

Irrelevant. Until there's a court determination of paternity, none of that matters.

Also are you saying that even though breastfeeding is in the best interest of this child and every child the court is going to expect me to start bottle feeding my infant?

You can save breast milk so Dad can feed the child with your breast milk.

There are other options, as well (my daughter was breast fed, but needed supplemental formula, so it's quite possible to do both).

Are you also saying that even though this baby has had no time at all with the father the courts are going to take a newborn out of its familar surroundings the first day the father decides he wants to visit the baby?

Frankly, a newborn doesn't care.

The part you keep forgetting is that he is DAD. He has rights to see the child, too (or will, as soon as there is a court order - see below).

Also... I don't think you read my posts ma'am.. He and I are going to try to work this out without going through the courts the only reason he would have to wish to go to court will be because his wife pushes him to because she wants to supervise his visits because he is clearly untrustworthy

It is commendable that you want to work it out with him - and I would encourage it. HOWEVER, after you've reached an agreement, do everyone a favor and submit it to the court as a stipulation so that everyone is bound by the court order (which should cover custody, visitation, and support). Without a formal court order, I can guarantee that you'll be fighting for years.

 

[Just Blue]

so you are saying that even though I have documented proof of him admitting to being the father from back when we found out he still did not abandon the baby?

He talked about it at least 100 times over email and instant messenger.

Also are you saying that even though breastfeeding is in the best interest of this child and every child the court is going to expect me to start bottle feeding my infant?

Are you also saying that even though this baby has had no time at all with the father the courts are going to take a newborn out of its familar surroundings the first day the father decides he wants to visit the baby?

Also... I don't think you read my posts ma'am.. He and I are going to try to work this out without going through the courts the only reason he would have to wish to go to court will be because his wife pushes him to because she wants to supervise his visits because he is clearly untrustworthy

Please note that OhioGal is an attorney (specializing in Family Court matters) and a Guardian Ad Litum.

 

[lala0024]

Well that's half the problem for me though...
How am I suppose to pump when I'm CONSTANTLY nursing.
I mean today along I've nursed him seems like every 30 min...
He'll nurse for 30 sleep for 30 and again it keeps going.

I barely have time to get a full reload here This is why I call him mr. piggles!
I can't even go to Walmart for diapers without having to nurse this baby. Trust me I can't wait for this part to be over with, but I don't think that's very fair to me or the baby to be forced to bottle feed him right now when I'm being more than flexible with the father seeing his child over here.

I'm honestly not trying to argue with anyone here. I just thought the courts were suppose to do what was in the best interest of the child and I don't see how making an exclusively breastfed baby start taking formula is in its best interest. Infact it's likely to cause colic, indigestion, constipation and who knows what else.

I know y'all don't write the laws but seems a bit wrong to give the baby a belly ache just because someone who is not related to this baby might have a fit that he is having his visits here for a couple of months or until the baby nurses less frequently.


Is there anyway I could convince the courts should it go there to at least allow for supervised visits at a neutral place where I can be available to nurse the baby or help the daddy when he doesn't know what the baby needs or wants.

 

[Just Blue]

Well that's half the problem for me though...
How am I suppose to pump when I'm CONSTANTLY nursing.
I mean today along I've nursed him seems like every 30 min...
He'll nurse for 30 sleep for 30 and again it keeps going.
I barely have time to get a full reload here This is why I call him mr. piggles!
I can't even go to Walmart for diapers without having to nurse this baby. Trust me I can't wait for this part to be over with, but I don't think that's very fair to me or the baby to be forced to bottle feed him right now when I'm being more than flexible with the father seeing his child over here.

I'm honestly not trying to argue with anyone here. I just thought the courts were suppose to do what was in the best interest of the child and I don't see how making an exclusively breastfed baby start taking formula is in its best interest. Infact it's likely to cause colic, indigestion, constipation and who knows what else.

I know y'all don't write the laws but seems a bit wrong to give the baby a belly ache just because someone who is not related to this baby might have a fit that he is having his visits here for a couple of months or until the baby nurses less frequently.


Is there anyway I could convince the courts should it go there to at least allow for supervised visits at a neutral place where I can be available to nurse the baby or help the daddy when he doesn't know what the baby needs or wants.

Just addressing the bolded portion here: My eldest was the same. I could NOT produce enough for DD to be reasonably full. She was eating SEVENTY NINE oz of b/milk and formula per DAY. It was necessary for her health to supplement with 2 btls with a combo of formula/cereal a day at 3 weeks. After that she was good. Thrived and has had half a dozen sick days in her 21 years.

Either you are not producing enough B/milk for your child or he just needs something more substantial. As you are not pumping and putting the milk in a btl you have no idea how much the baby is ACTUALLY getting. You really need to find out...for the baby's sake.

Just feeding from the breast may be best for some infants...But not all. A baby will NOT suffer if fed formula. A baby will NOT suffer if fed from a btl.

 

[CSO286]

Well that's half the problem for me though...
How am I suppose to pump when I'm CONSTANTLY nursing.
I mean today along I've nursed him seems like every 30 min...
He'll nurse for 30 sleep for 30 and again it keeps going.

I barely have time to get a full reload here This is why I call him mr. piggles!
I can't even go to Walmart for diapers without having to nurse this baby. Trust me I can't wait for this part to be over with, but I don't think that's very fair to me or the baby to be forced to bottle feed him right now when I'm being more than flexible with the father seeing his child over here.

I'm honestly not trying to argue with anyone here. I just thought the courts were suppose to do what was in the best interest of the child and I don't see how making an exclusively breastfed baby start taking formula is in its best interest. Infact it's likely to cause colic, indigestion, constipation and who knows what else.

I know y'all don't write the laws but seems a bit wrong to give the baby a belly ache just because someone who is not related to this baby might have a fit that he is having his visits here for a couple of months or until the baby nurses less frequently.


Is there anyway I could convince the courts should it go there to at least allow for supervised visits at a neutral place where I can be available to nurse the baby or help the daddy when he doesn't know what the baby needs or wants.

Based on the info you provided, there is no reason at all why dad should have to have supervised visits. I mean, seriously, I can understand a couple of weeks worth or a month while DAD familiarizes himself with you (plural) son. But after that, Dad should be able to take junior to his home so he can be come familiar with his daddy's environment, too.

And, to answer your breastfeeding question:You do not need to risk a baby tummyache by sending formula. Your body will adjust naturally to the demands for milk put on it. Before I had to return to work, I spent the last month nursing on one side and pumping the other, so I could get ahead of small fry's tummy. You can do the same. And, frankly, if you are on Medicaid, they pay for those nifty expensive pumps which do a great job.

Your choice to nurse--and I think it's admirable--is NOT a reason to require supervised visits.

 

[lala0024]

Just addressing the bolded portion here: My eldest was the same. I could NOT produce enough for DD to be reasonably full. She was eating SEVENTY NINE oz of b/milk and formula per DAY. It was necessary for her health to supplement with 2 btls with a combo of formula/cereal a day at 3 weeks. After that she was good. Thrived and has had half a dozen sick days in her 21 years.

Either you are not producing enough B/milk for your child or he just needs something more substantial. As you are not pumping and putting the milk in a btl you have no idea how much the baby is ACTUALLY getting. You really need to find out...for the baby's sake.

Just feeding from the breast may be best for some infants...But not all. A baby will NOT suffer if fed formula. A baby will NOT suffer if fed from a btl.

WOW that's one healthy daughter! I have a very high immunity system too proud to say!
Thank you for the tips on how to work out pumping though. I will try that. I know part of me may be (probably is) makign things more difficult with my request for supervised visits but I'm just feeling very protective of my baby.

I understand as one person posted that because i was with a married man the courts will think I could have been with someone else but I know and he knows I was not with anyone else. Just dumb enough to believe he was really in love, really felt he regretted his marriage and was going to marry me and adopt my son as he swore he wanted to all without me asking.

It's hard to detatch myself personally from all of the B.S. and the best way to find peace is to be thankful that he is no longer my problem (THANK THE HEAVENS) But I am trying.

I will still try to get him to agree to at least 3 months because I'm an over protective mommy but will settle for 1 month of visits where I'm close enough to know my baby is o.k. I know dispite what all happened and went wrong he is trying to do the right thing for our son now and I do respect that. It's just going to be very hard to see my baby go off with him and not be around to make sure he is ok and being treated well.

I also do worry about his wife with him. She seems to have no self esteem but I have heard from him and others that know her that when she is mad she gets physically violent. She's a school teacher so I don't really think she'd hurt a tiny baby but I don't know her and whose to say after finding out her husband cheated on her and lied to her through out the entire marriage (not with me I was hopefully the last and the one that made sure she knew the truth in the end) and had a baby with another woman (when she is infertile) when she might lose it and snap.

It has to happen at some point.. I just pray it isn't while my baby is at their home.

 

[Proserpina]

WOW that's one healthy daughter! I have a very high immunity system too proud to say!
Thank you for the tips on how to work out pumping though. I will try that. I know part of me may be (probably is) makign things more difficult with my request for supervised visits but I'm just feeling very protective of my baby.

I understand as one person posted that because i was with a married man the courts will think I could have been with someone else but I know and he knows I was not with anyone else. Just dumb enough to believe he was really in love, really felt he regretted his marriage and was going to marry me and adopt my son as he swore he wanted to all without me asking.

It's hard to detatch myself personally from all of the B.S. and the best way to find peace is to be thankful that he is no longer my problem (THANK THE HEAVENS) But I am trying.

I will still try to get him to agree to at least 3 months because I'm an over protective mommy but will settle for 1 month of visits where I'm close enough to know my baby is o.k. I know dispite what all happened and went wrong he is trying to do the right thing for our son now and I do respect that. It's just going to be very hard to see my baby go off with him and not be around to make sure he is ok and being treated well.

I also do worry about his wife with him. She seems to have no self esteem but I have heard from him and others that know her that when she is mad she gets physically violent. She's a school teacher so I don't really think she'd hurt a tiny baby but I don't know her and whose to say after finding out her husband cheated on her and lied to her through out the entire marriage (not with me I was hopefully the last and the one that made sure she knew the truth in the end) and had a baby with another woman (when she is infertile) when she might lose it and snap.

It has to happen at some point.. I just pray it isn't while my baby is at their home.

Do you really trust what he's telling you about her being "violent"? Really?

Don't buy into rumors. Don't buy into gossip. Ignore everything. Trust only facts.

 

[lala0024]

someone else that knows both of them said the same. And actually witnessed the wife pretty much beating him up in public after she caught him flirting with other women.

He didn't make it out like he gets a whopping everytime he comes home but when she is upset she loses her temper and it turns physical.

 

[Proserpina]

someone else that knows both of them said the same. And actually witnessed the wife pretty much beating him up in public after she caught him flirting with other women.

He didn't make it out like he gets a whopping everytime he comes home but when she is upset she loses her temper and it turns physical.

And there of course are police reports confirming this, right?

No, of course there aren't.

Seriously - stop looking for reasons why the wife shouldn't be around the baby. She may be around for a long, long time to come.

(Though frankly if she had any sense she'd divorce his cheating backside and get on with her life)

 

[CourtClerk]

Look dear. You chose to make a baby with a man who you knew had a wife.

If she was so darn violent, I'm surprised that you weren't afraid to keep sleeping with him. After all, sleeping with someone else's husband is a good way to get met in an alley and have your behind handed to you.

 

[CJane]

1. You cannot play moral high ground when arguing over visitation with a man who fathered your child when you both knew he was married.

2. Why you would want to hang out with him in your home while breastfeeding every 30 minutes is beyond me.

3. What are the chances wifey is going to go for him hanging out with you for "supervised" visitation w/the child he fathered with YOU while married to HER? She's very likely to feel like the two of you should be supervised.

4. Are you willing to allow the child's step mom into your home to ensure that her husband isn't sleeping with you while visiting his child -- ya know, just until the two of you have the "hang" of not schtupping behind her back?

 

[lala0024]

And there of course are police reports confirming this, right?

No, of course there aren't.

Seriously - stop looking for reasons why the wife shouldn't be around the baby. She may be around for a long, long time to come.

(Though frankly if she had any sense she'd divorce his cheating backside and get on with her life)

Ok lol.. you're right I doubt there are police reports especially since from what I hear when she did give him his 'beatings' it was over him and his wandering eye/junk so I doubt he'd file a report.

But agreed with the bold part. I actually broke up with him before his houdini act because I caught him in a lie and trying to sleep with another woman by making a fake email account and testing him because I just had a feeling he was up to no good. It was one thing to believe he was some poor sweet guy who just married the wrong person and was in love with me, but after doing some detective work I found out all sorts of crazy things and seriously- she can have her "prize" lol.

I was only trying to keep in contact with him and remain parental friends because he was the father. He probably would have been there through out the pregnancy if I didn't make sure his wife found out about everything since he was too spineless to tell her the truth on his own.

This is why I said she has no self esteem that's the only reason I can come up with for any woman staying with a guy like him. I do feel bad for her but not too bad since she clearly is choosing to stay with him. I believe we teach people how to treat us and all she is teaching him is that it's ok to lie and cheat and put her health at risk.
Its even more sad since she stays and she makes more than him and the only thing they have is a house they've had for less than 2 years. I guess I'm actually jealous of her because she really is free to leave the B.S. anytime she chooses. Me on the other hand... I'm pretty much stuck dealing with this man for the next 18 years to life when he's the last person I want to see or talk to