irresponsible ex

[tylersmom]

What is the name of your state? PA

I'm just kinda throwing this out to see what your opinions are on this. My ex and I have joint legal and physical with me as primary. Our son is 6. My ex took him on a vacation last week to a campground with a large waterslide and pool. Apparently a tree fell and critically injured many kids. My son just missed getting hurt (it fell on kids in line for the slide and my son had just gone down). My son was telling me the story of what happened and while he was telling me said that he got scared because people were running everywhere and since he was just standing there crying a few people offered to help him find his parents or take him back to his camper. I, of course asked where my ex and his fiance were and he told me they were back at the camper and that finally the fiance came over to get him after a while. I'm a little upset about this because I'm protective of our son and am uncomfortable with him being in a public place without close supervision, especially at a pool.

This is the 3rd time that I've felt my ex used poor judgement while having our son. The first is when he put tape all over him while they were playing mummy and when he tore the tape off it left bruises on our son that were questioned by his preschool teacher. Another time was when I pick him up from my ex's and our son was barely coherent (my ex said he was a "little down today"). When I got him home, I took his temp (103F) and rushed him to the emergency room because he was barely conscious. He was severely dehydrated and they had to give him two bags of IV fluids to restore him.

I've talked to my ex about these instances and he gets defensive or blows me off. I don't think he's neglectful, just irresponsible and lazy. I'm afraid for things like this to continue. Any advice? Sorry this is so long.

 

[NCP Dad in TN]

I woudl definitely document all the things you are seeing... dates, times, details... keep copies of emails to your ex or notes about conversations you have... again- dates, times, etc.

I am not an attorney, so other than that I have no idea what to tell you... if it were ME and it was happening to my daughters, I'd be seeking outside help immediately. Whether that be through the courts, child services, or whatever.

Good luck.

 

[ceara19]

Incident #1 (the mummy) sounds completely accidental, a very STUPID, preventable accident, but an accident nonetheless.

With the water slide incident, it would be almost impossible to prove that dad was neglectful unless he caused the tree to fall. I don't think your son should have been there alone either. However, with the ensuing commotion after the tree fell, unless dad actually admits to the court that he left the child there alone before the incident happened, you really don't have any way to prove it.

Dad failing to get medical help for the child is definitely neglect. Unfortunately, it is probably not enough to have visitation modified. Especially since you didn't report it immediately.

Outside of trying to work it out with dad, there's not much you can do. You do need to keep a record of any future problems and if there is another serious incident, report it right away.

 

[tylersmom]

I totally agree with the first, it was stupid on his part, but not intentional. The waterslide and tree falling thing upset me because he was not being monitored closely in a public place where there was a pool. I thought the same thing you said, that he could deny it. As for the dehydration, I did make sure that the hospital made note of it for their records in case anything came of it, but I did not report it because I believed in my heart that once he realized how serious the situation was, he'd never let something like that happen again. If it did happen again, I could report it and site the other incident as well. Like I said, I don't think he's exactly neglectful, just irresponsible and lazy and he doesn't want to admit it when he can't handle a situation (like a sick child).

Thank you for your input. I appreciate it!

 

[stealth2]

It's also entirely possible that your son was under the supervision of someone else, and got separated during the ensuing melee. Did you ask him that? Or only where Dad/gf were?

 

[tylersmom]

The only people that were on the trip was my ex, his fiance, and our son. I did ask him who was with him and he said nobody, that's why he was so scared. Once he told me nobody was with him, that's when I asked where his father and fiance were. Like I said, I've talked to him in the past about my concerns (especially the dehydration) and hoped that he'd use better judgement. I'm still trying to figure out a way to talk to him about this.

I know that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. We all make mistakes. I don't want to come off as one of those mother's that thinks she's a better parent than the father and he shouldn't have as many rights or as much visitation. I just want to be able to feel comfortable that when our son is with his father, that he is going to be well taken care of and that every precaution is being taken to ensure his safety.

 

[abstract99]

Another thing, and I am sure I might get slapped for this but a lot of Judges don't approve of one parent interogating the child about what happens to them while they are in the care of the other parent. I know that you are concerned but the apropriate things to do would have been to either call dad or in cases of extreme neglect, call CPS.
In instances where I have noticed bruising on my kids I call mom because it puts the kids in a dificult situation because it would be hard for any parent to not react in some bad way to what really happened and they don't want to get the other parent "in trouble".

 

[stealth2]

There's a huge difference between interrogating a child and asking "where was Dad" when the kid is telling you about being lost and alone.

 

[abstract99]

There's a huge difference between interrogating a child and asking "where was Dad" when the kid is telling you about being lost and alone.

Kids tend to overexagerate a lot too which is why it would have been a good idea for mom to simply call dad on the issue. What might have seemed like a long time to a scared child might have been a minute to a parent that was watching their child through the window of their camper.

 

[tylersmom]

Another thing, and I am sure I might get slapped for this but a lot of Judges don't approve of one parent interogating the child about what happens to them while they are in the care of the other parent. I know that you are concerned but the apropriate things to do would have been to either call dad or in cases of extreme neglect, call CPS.

I completely agree with you about interrogating a child, though I don't do it because I'm afraid of making him uncomfortable. The tree falling incident was in the paper so I already knew about it (I called his dad's cell to make sure son was okay), but didn't ask him about it or even initiate the conversation. I was tucking him into bed and talking to him and he brought it up to me. The only time I questioned him was about who was with him and where his dad and dad's girlfriend were. It just came out of my mouth as a natural reaction to what he was telling me.

 

[tylersmom]

Kids tend to overexagerate a lot too which is why it would have been a good idea for mom to simply call dad on the issue. What might have seemed like a long time to a scared child might have been a minute to a parent that was watching their child through the window of their camper.

His father tends to exaggerate too when he feels cornered. I do disagree with what you said about watching through the camper window. In a situation where a child is in a very crowded area and especially if there is a pool, a 6 year old child needs to be closely supervised. All it takes is a minute for someone to grab him, or for him to come down the slide and hit his head, get knocked out, or whatever. When we are swimming, I am right in the pool or I am sitting on the ledge watching him. I don't want to take any chances. Too many things can happen.

I have questioned his father on small things in the past and he has denied some things and then turned around and yelled at my son for telling me. It's just a hard line to walk, what is the right way and the wrong way to handle things.

 

[abstract99]

His father tends to exaggerate too when he feels cornered. I do disagree with what you said about watching through the camper window. In a situation where a child is in a very crowded area and especially if there is a pool, a 6 year old child needs to be closely supervised. All it takes is a minute for someone to grab him, or for him to come down the slide and hit his head, get knocked out, or whatever. When we are swimming, I am right in the pool or I am sitting on the ledge watching him. I don't want to take any chances. Too many things can happen.

I have questioned his father on small things in the past and he has denied some things and then turned around and yelled at my son for telling me. It's just a hard line to walk, what is the right way and the wrong way to handle things.

And TRUST ME I know how it can be frusterating. But take it from me. I have been in court before defending myself against questioning my kids but you have to walk a fine line here because it undermines the other parent's role as a parent in the child's life. I see it from both sides. I get frusterated that I cannot do it, I know that my kids don't like me doing it, and I can see why my ex doesn't like it but at the same time I still feel that I have the right to know.

This is just one of the things that sucks where you have to be the bigger person and just butt out because all in all it is what is best for the kids. I have gotten to the point, though my kids are a bit older, where I have sat down with them and told them that they are more than welcome to talk to me about anything they want but their mother IS their mother and I have to trust that she is doing the right thing (unless I can see otherwise) and I would prefer just for their sanity that they don't have conversations with me about things that they do in their moms house. It is none of my business and I would expect the same thing from her.

 

[stealth2]

I think it's pretty damned sad when you prefer your kids not to talk about what they do at their other parent's home. They should feel free to do so, because it's part of their life.

 

[tylersmom]

And TRUST ME I know how it can be frusterating. But take it from me. I have been in court before defending myself against questioning my kids but you have to walk a fine line here because it undermines the other parent's role as a parent in the child's life. I see it from both sides. I get frusterated that I cannot do it, I know that my kids don't like me doing it, and I can see why my ex doesn't like it but at the same time I still feel that I have the right to know.

This is just one of the things that sucks where you have to be the bigger person and just butt out because all in all it is what is best for the kids. I have gotten to the point, though my kids are a bit older, where I have sat down with them and told them that they are more than welcome to talk to me about anything they want but their mother IS their mother and I have to trust that she is doing the right thing (unless I can see otherwise) and I would prefer just for their sanity that they don't have conversations with me about things that they do in their moms house. It is none of my business and I would expect the same thing from her.

I agree with you 100%. When he comes home the most I ask is "How was your weekend?" or "Did you have fun at Daddy's". If he offers more info (he rarely ever does) thats okay, but if not, I don't push it. Mostly because unless something terrible happened, I don't really want to know (for my own sanity). That's why my son offering up this info without me asking or even mentioning anything to him really got to me. I felt the experience must have traumatized him for him to discuss it with me. You're right, it is a fine line, as is everything when raising a child. I feel like I second and triple guess every single thing I do, and even then I don't know if I made the right decision.

 

[abstract99]

I think it's pretty damned sad when you prefer your kids not to talk about what they do at their other parent's home. They should feel free to do so, because it's part of their life.

Not really. They can talk to me about it if they wish but it is none of my business and seeing how I don't aprove of her hypocritical ways I have a hard time keeping a smile on my face when I hear about some of the stuff that goes on at her house. It is part of their lives yes but I don't feel the need to question them about it. As long as they are not being hurt then it is of no business of mine what goes on in moms home. I wouldn't appreciate it if I were to take the kids out with me to do things and they get questioned about it when they get to moms.

There are certain things that I do that I consider private. I have moved on from my ex, gotten re-married and started a new life that I make every attempt to include my kids in. When they come out for holidays we spend that time with my wifes side of the family and to be perfectly honest what they do with my relatives and talk to them about is none of moms business.

Take Harry Potter for example. My kids love Harry Potter and watch the movies about every other day when they are here. I don't mind one bit as long as they are happy. Mom on the other hand feels that magic is something that was created by the devil and doesn't allow it in her house. Sooo, when my kids go back and she asks them if they watched Harry Potter one of two things will happen...

1) They will admit to it and she will get mad in front of them for wanting to watch the movies after she told them they couldn't.

2) The children will feel forced to lie to her in order to ensure that they are allowed to do what makes them happy out there and keep mom from calling dad and yelling at him.


That is just one example, no two parents raise their kids the same and it is best to not put the kids in the above situations.