is a violent half-sibling grounds for sole custody

[uswcdh44]

California

My wife and I are considering separating. She had a child prior to our marriage. the child was delayed in speech and had a quick temper when we met, but was only 2 years old, and the doctors attributed it to the break up of his mom and dad. We have since had another child, and discovered that the first has an autism disorder.

Her son is often (3-6 times a day) violent to his 15-month-old brother, and has been since day one. He is also violent to me and his mother. among other things, he hits, kicks, throws things like toys, knives, rocks, and anything he can get his hands on, scratches, bites, you name it. he is also very vocal and gets very angry very easily.

He does go to 4 sessions of different kinds of therapy a week, and is seeing some improvement in frequency of violence, but each time is getting more and more severe. I have kept a diary of each day for over a year of the events in our home, documenting the behavior.

I do not want my child to be around his brother without supervision, as I may not e able to be there all the time. I can ensure a safe environment at my place, but I'll have no control over what happens at mom's place.

My question is: Is his brother's behavior going to have any pull if we have to go to court for custody issues? Will I have any chance of getting more than 50% custody based on the environment at the other house?

 

[Proserpina]

I can't help but feel really, really sad for both of the kids in this.

Have you ALL been in therapy? Family counseling?

 

[Chixalot]

I agree. I take offense to the OP. My 2yo has autistic symptoms, as well. If the mother had failed to seek therapy/help for the child it would be different story. His behavior is out of his control. Still a sorry attempt on your behalf. You can't hold that against his mother! What if he was your child? Shame,shame.


Sorry,just had to say something.

 

[Just Blue]

California

My wife and I are considering separating. She had a child prior to our marriage. the child was delayed in speech and had a quick temper when we met, but was only 2 years old, and the doctors attributed it to the break up of his mom and dad. We have since had another child, and discovered that the first has an autism disorder.

Her son is often (3-6 times a day) violent to his 15-month-old brother, and has been since day one. He is also violent to me and his mother. among other things, he hits, kicks, throws things like toys, knives, rocks, and anything he can get his hands on, scratches, bites, you name it. he is also very vocal and gets very angry very easily.

He does go to 4 sessions of different kinds of therapy a week, and is seeing some improvement in frequency of violence, but each time is getting more and more severe. I have kept a diary of each day for over a year of the events in our home, documenting the behavior.

I do not want my child to be around his brother without supervision, as I may not e able to be there all the time. I can ensure a safe environment at my place, but I'll have no control over what happens at mom's place.

My question is: Is his brother's behavior going to have any pull if we have to go to court for custody issues? Will I have any chance of getting more than 50% custody based on the environment at the other house?

What specific ASD is this? How old is the child?

 

[Ohiogal]

Originally Posted by uswcdh44
California

My wife and I are considering separating. She had a child prior to our marriage. the child was delayed in speech and had a quick temper when we met, but was only 2 years old, and the doctors attributed it to the break up of his mom and dad. We have since had another child, and discovered that the first has an autism disorder.

Her son is often (3-6 times a day) violent to his 15-month-old brother, and has been since day one. He is also violent to me and his mother. among other things, he hits, kicks, throws things like toys, knives, rocks, and anything he can get his hands on, scratches, bites, you name it. he is also very vocal and gets very angry very easily.

He does go to 4 sessions of different kinds of therapy a week, and is seeing some improvement in frequency of violence, but each time is getting more and more severe. I have kept a diary of each day for over a year of the events in our home, documenting the behavior.

I do not want my child to be around his brother without supervision, as I may not e able to be there all the time. I can ensure a safe environment at my place, but I'll have no control over what happens at mom's place.

My question is: Is his brother's behavior going to have any pull if we have to go to court for custody issues? Will I have any chance of getting more than 50% custody based on the environment at the other house?

That will not get you sole custody unless you can prove that mom fails to protect the child. Have you ever left the child with mom and the half sibling (while you worked or something)? And even with sole custody mom would get visitation at HER HOME with the child. Truthfully you can get added into the order that neither parent will allow half sibling unsupervised around the child.

 

[uswcdh44]

I consider both children my children, and I am looking at this from that perspective. The issue is that now, we can both be around to constantly supervise. If we separate, it is unreasonable to think that I will get any kind of custody or visitation of her son who still has a strong relationship with his father. So, in essence, mom's house is the one with the possible issue.

He has PDDNOS, or Pervasive Developmental Dysfunction, Not Otherwise Specified.

I do not think that his behavior is his fault, or his mother's fault, or that anyone can control his behavior, I just would prefer that her son not be left alone with his younger brother, as I fear for his safety. I know that this is nearly impossible with a single-parent household (showering, going to the bathroom, making dinner, etc.), so I want to know what I can do to help prevent this. I understand why he does what he does, but that does not make it alright, nor is it healthy for his younger brother to constantly be abused by him.

I appreciate the suggestion of including a requirement of supervision in the agreement, thanks.

We do all go to therapy together, and his mother, father, and I meet with all the therapists he sees on a regular basis.

I appreciate the any other suggestions?

 

[haiku]

But he is not your child. Its her child. They are both her children. And the scenarios you have mentioned were just as likely to have happened when you were married to her as they are now. nothing really has changed.

 

[Just Blue]

How old is the child? Is s/he is school? Does s/he have an IEP? Speech Therapy?

My child had PDD/NOS and with her a lot of the behavior was caused from frustration because she wasn't understood. 3 years ago (3 years old) she had an UNDERSTANDABLE vocabulary of about 25 words. Now she speaks beautifully with a vocab that most adults envy. She is now 6. The tantrums stopped 2 years ago. The worst thing I have to deal with is her slamming her bed-room door when angry. I took the door off the hinges for 3 days...lol!! Hopefully I will not need to do this again.

Kids, both ASD and typically developing children, do not do well with stress..,If your household has been stressful, and I will aSSume it has since you all are getting a divorce, the PDD symptoms will be exaggerated.

 

[Ohiogal]

I consider both children my children, and I am looking at this from that perspective. The issue is that now, we can both be around to constantly supervise. If we separate, it is unreasonable to think that I will get any kind of custody or visitation of her son who still has a strong relationship with his father. So, in essence, mom's house is the one with the possible issue.

He has PDDNOS, or Pervasive Developmental Dysfunction, Not Otherwise Specified.

I do not think that his behavior is his fault, or his mother's fault, or that anyone can control his behavior, I just would prefer that her son not be left alone with his younger brother, as I fear for his safety. I know that this is nearly impossible with a single-parent household (showering, going to the bathroom, making dinner, etc.), so I want to know what I can do to help prevent this. I understand why he does what he does, but that does not make it alright, nor is it healthy for his younger brother to constantly be abused by him.

I appreciate the suggestion of including a requirement of supervision in the agreement, thanks.

We do all go to therapy together, and his mother, father, and I meet with all the therapists he sees on a regular basis.

I appreciate the any other suggestions?

You don't get it. YOU WILL NOT GET SOLE CUSTODY BASED ON THIS UNLESS YOU CAN PROVE MOM FAILS TO PROTECT THE YOUNGER CHILD. End of story.

 

[CJane]

I was thinking about this this morning on my commute... and it occurs to me that perhaps the 'violence' is somewhat exaggerated in dad's own head. Not out of maliciousness or anything of the sort (don't go getting all defensive yet Dad) but because he's been cataloging the 'outbursts' for OVER A YEAR.

That kind of daily log of bad behavior is going to eventually appear to be black and white when it just isn't that way in reality.

As an example, if in just one week you write that on Monday, Child did X. (and you don't put down that he also helped w/the laundry or fed the dog or hugged mom 47 times or went to bed when asked or brushed his teeth without prompting) and then on Tuesday Child did X AGAIN PLUS Y (but you again ignore all the NOT 'bad' things that child did)... eventually you have this laundry list of terrible things taken completely out of context. It's not fair to the child, his mother, or your FAMILY as a unit to do things in that manner.

And to even START such a journal indicates that you've been pondering divorce for a year (when your youngest was only a few months old and it's likely MOM was still a big ol stress ball full of hormones) and have been attempting to accumulate data to 'use against' Mom... and you're willing to use her child's disability as your weapon.

The question remains - have you EVER left YOUR child alone w/Mom and HER child?