Issue with my husband

[deidra5]

What is the name of your state? Florida

After the children became adults and left the home for studies, my husband for more than 30 years of our marriage and father of all our children stopped providing me financial support. All these years, I spent my time taking care of the children and husband, preparing food and taking care of home, growing vegetables in back yard. After the children left a year ago, he pays the bills for electricity, water, groceries for the home but did not give me any money to even buy my new cloths. I do not even have a car to drive and I do not have driver license also, and I have no skills. I talked to a friend who advises that there are some laws, Section 61.09 of Florida but I am unsure. Is there any way, I can legally get financial support form my husband. I do not want my marriage to fail or get divorce/separation.

 

[not2cleverRed]

Have you considered marriage counseling?

Are you a member of a house of worship? If yes, then your clergyperson might be able to advise you on how to mediate this situation. If your husband is unwilling to participate, then focus on yourself: therapy/counseling and self help.

If you do not have a house of worship, and would be uncomfortable approaching a clergy person, then look up resources for victims of domestic violence. Controlling you financially and isolating you is a form of abuse. At least get therapy to help you better navigate your situation.

If you don't want a divorce/separation, then you are effectively staying in your current situation willingly. Therefore, you need to find a better way of navigating your situation: Get a job. Any job. Even if it is just odd jobs for your neighbors. The purpose: earn enough money to apply for a learner's permit and buy suitable clothes for a better job.

Finally, is this a change in your husband's behavior towards you? While it could be a midlife crisis, it could also be something else. Has your husband had a thorough physical within the past year?

 

[Ohiogal]

I want to echo what Not2CleverRed said. You need to have a conversation with your husband as well. Are you familiar with the budget of the household?

 

[stealth2]

I suspect I'm more cynical than the other ladies. But, if you have access to bank/credit card statements, you might consider looking to see where else he's spending his money...

 

[commentator]

I'm sorry to mention this, but your marriage has already failed. If you are not comfortable enough with or safe enough to have a conversation with your husband about this situation, you're in a place you do not need to be. I agree with steath, there's something else that is taking up the cash, whether it's just his urge to fill the bank account or something else. But in any case, this is not a marriage, this is a hostage situation, where you are exchanging goods and services for a place to live and the utilities paid. A domestic violence shelter may be your next alternative. Where are your children, why are they not more helpful to you? If you think a court mandate for him to give you some money is going to improve the atmosphere of your home life, you're badly mistaken. I gather this may not be your native country or there is some other religious or cultural issue that has enabled your husband to think that keeping you as a servant and nanny for his children is acceptable. But in this place and time, it's not.

 

[not2cleverRed]

I suspect I'm more cynical than the other ladies. But, if you have access to bank/credit card statements, you might consider looking to see where else he's spending his money...

That may be a big "if".

My ex would have a fit if I touched any of that stuff, even if it was just to clean the surface they were sitting on.

 

[not2cleverRed]

Where are your children, why are they not more helpful to you?

They may have learned through their parents' role modelling that one can be a bully, or be abused... And don't want to be abused.

Or, they are just young and oblivious. Dad hasn't cut them off, and Mom never sends them anything.

 

[stealth2]

That may be a big "if".

My ex would have a fit if I touched any of that stuff, even if it was just to clean the surface they were sitting on.

It was a (very) backhanded way of suggesting that hubby may well have a side piece.

 

[Just Blue]

What is the name of your state? Florida

After the children became adults and left the home for studies, my husband for more than 30 years of our marriage and father of all our children stopped providing me financial support. All these years, I spent my time taking care of the children and husband, preparing food and taking care of home, growing vegetables in back yard. After the children left a year ago, he pays the bills for electricity, water, groceries for the home but did not give me any money to even buy my new cloths. I do not even have a car to drive and I do not have driver license also, and I have no skills. I talked to a friend who advises that there are some laws, Section 61.09 of Florida but I am unsure. Is there any way, I can legally get financial support form my husband. I do not want my marriage to fail or get divorce/separation.

It's not true that you have no skills. Based on your opening post you have quite a few. Child care, housekeeping, gardening, cooking...you could easily find a job with these skill sets. Ask a friend to teach you to drive and get your license.

 

[zddoodah]

Section 61.09 of Florida

I've never heard of a state having a law like this, but section 61.09 of the Florida Statutes does, in fact, allow for a spouse to "apply to the court for alimony . . . without seeking dissolution of marriage."

That said, I would imagine that making such an application isn't going to make your home life situation any better, and I agree with the response that said your marriage has already failed. Why you allowed yourself to get in a position such as you described is hard to understand (a cautionary tale to anyone reading this thread), but it seems time to move on.

 

[deidra5]

So many thanks for your responses.

My husband is a very nice, we came from another country. He is simply saving the money saying it is useful once we become old, he has no bad habits or has girl friends, etc. He worked day and night and helped our children get good education and go to college, and paid mortgage for the home. Even if I go to court, he will not treat me bad. His argument is: don’t waste money.

Can I request court to order alimony and, if alimony (let us say $500 per month to me) is ordered by the court, still can we both (me and my husband) continue as wife and husband without ever getting divorced?

 

[quincy]

So many thanks for your responses.

My husband is a very nice, we came from another country. He is simply saving the money saying it is useful once we become old, he has no bad habits or has girl friends, etc. He worked day and night and helped our children get good education and go to college, and paid mortgage for the home. Even if I go to court, he will not treat me bad. His argument is: don’t waste money.

Can I request court to order alimony and, if alimony (let us say $500 per month to me) is ordered by the court, still can we both (me and my husband) continue as wife and husband without ever getting divorced?

If your husband is so nice, why don’t you just ask him to give you $500 a month and skip the whole idea of divorce?

 

[deidra5]

He believes that money is getting wasted. If the court determines that I am eligible to receive money from him then he will believe that I deserve that money (I cannot explain some personal matters here). In summary, is it possible in Florida using Section 61.09 for me to get some monthly financial support from my husband (using court) without ever divorcing or getting separated? Once again, neither of us wants a divorce or separation.

 

[PayrollHRGuy]

He believes that money is getting wasted. If the court determines that I am eligible to receive money from him then he will believe that I deserve that money (I cannot explain some personal matters here). In summary, is it possible in Florida using Section 61.09 for me to get some monthly financial support from my husband (using court) without ever divorcing or getting separated? Once again, neither of us wants a divorce or separation.

The thing is he is contributing to your support. He is providing a place to live, food, and clothing. I simply refuse to believe the court will tell a spouse to give the other not divorcing spouse spending money. Nor is that what the law was put in place for.

 

[not2cleverRed]

He believes that money is getting wasted.

Just out of curiosity: has he bought any new clothes for himself in the past year?

If so, have any of those clothes been for uses other than work? Undergarments are considered necessary by many, and holey underwear is not holy. Are you expected to go barefoot?

If the court determines that I am eligible to receive money from him then he will believe that I deserve that money (I cannot explain some personal matters here). In summary, is it possible in Florida using Section 61.09 for me to get some monthly financial support from my husband (using court) without ever divorcing or getting separated? Once again, neither of us wants a divorce or separation.

While this is possible, it is not a wise action.

Where are you going to get money for a lawyer?

Perhaps you should make a point by starting to do yardwork/gardening/pet sitting/baby sitting for your neighbors to earn yourself some money for yourself.