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Joint Custody but, ex wants to dictate

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What is the name of your state? Hawaii

My boyfriends ex-wife is wanting to take him to court to get full custody of the kids. Even though she signed the papers only a few months ago agreeing to Joint Custody. They are both active duty Military and he has had to be gone more than her since they got married. But, he is going to shore duty (will be home all the tme) in February and will be on land for at least 3 years. Does she actually have a chance at getting full custody? He has never done anything to harm the kids and has always paid.. even more than the courts said he should.. and always gets his kids on every chance he gets. He is deployed right now and won't return until Feb. Can she do anything while he is gone?

Duh! I ended up replying to your other post here by accident. Here's the reply for the other post (laughing at myself) ---->This is what will likely happen. BM will find out what you've done and petition the courts for the children to be returned to her care since your BF isn't taking his court ordered time with the children. (You didn't mention their ages.) She will likely win that petition and possibly even a petition to modify the custody arrangement to her having full physical custody and BF only having regular visitation.

And here is the one for this post --->She has to have a change in circumstances to back up the request for a change in custody. Him leaving the kids with Grandma for 4 months is a great example of an excuse to petition. Technically, she should not be able to proceed in court while he is stationed active duty 'abroad' but we have all heard of it happening. I would suggest you daily read the papers to see if she has filed something and that he have an attorney on retainer to fight his cause should it be necessary.

*sizzle* or should I say *sputter*?
Last edited:


Senior Member
ah-but what about the Sailor and soldiers relief act?

(roscleo would know more about this than I would)
no judgements can be made while a serviceman is out of country, or something like that?
might be worth researching babysunbird.....
not an attorney-maybe someone knows more on this and can give you more info-


Wow! So I didn't know that they can just put it in the paper like that?? Actually I should've known that.. that is how my dad adopted me.. anyways, thanks for the info.. Oh.. and by the way fried eggs.. He wasn't really going to leave them there for the full 4 months.. just a little while for them to visit w/the grandparents that the BM didn't want them to know they had. She is white and he is black and for some reason she doesn't want her kids around the black side of the family.. kinda stupid since she got pregnant by and married (in that order) a black man. But, regardless of how much sense she doesn't make.. I'm glad you were able to give me this helpful info. I will start checking the papers now.. Actually, I'm glad you told me this.. for all I know my ex could have done the same thing.. I wish someone would've told me that on my other post instead of just tellling me how horrible I am for being a mom in the military..
Anyways... Thank you sooo much.. Both of you!!

LW has a point about the soldiers and sailors relief act. Which is what I was referring to when I said she should not be able to proceed, but it isn't unheard of someone slipping through the system. It's a lot easier to fight something up front than to get it overturned at a later date. One thing YOU can do, is to scan the legal notices in the paper every week to ensure she isn't trying to slip by the system.

As far as the other thread, I don't think anyone was saying you were a bad mom for being in the military. What they were trying to convey to you was that the actual act of fighting for our country is not the only sacrifice military members (AND their families) find themselves confronted with on a regular basis. Sometimes, that might mean accepting that in a custody battle, the civilian has a substantial lead on the military member. It doesn't mean that it's unheard of for a military member to have custody over a civilian. I think there would be more if the military members did not merely give up custody upon divorce as many do.

OTOH, you could be a bit more sensitive and aware of the sacrifices military members family members make both for their country and for the love of their mother/father/spouse. They tend to be rode roughshod on by the military members career and have far fewer benefits than the military member has.

I'm also curious if you had this conversation about WHY the BM doesn't want the children around the paternal grandparent with the BM yourself?



Actually, I looked up the SSCRA and it does state that there are to be no civil actions taken against us while we are deployed.
And I called an attorney to find out about the public notices thing.. and I looked in all the papers to see if there was anything there and there wasn't..

About the BM's reasons for not wanting the kids around the grandparents... I didn't say that that was the reason she didn't want them there.... it's just the fact that she doesn't want them w/his side of the family at ALL and she is always making comments about the fact that they are black. To answer your question though.. No I haven't had that conversation with her.... she will not say anything negatively about him or his family or me for that matter directly to me.. but, I've been on the phone and heard her say it to him. So, I have heard it w/my own ears.. she just wasn't speaking to me. Does that make sense?

She did tell me directly that she doesn't want the kids to stay w/their grandparents.. that she did say to me directly.. but, she wouldn't give a reason as to why.

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