Joint Custody

[lionking0812]

What is the name of your state? NY

Hello all, this is my first time here and I'm looking for some feedback on where I stand and what's my next move dealing with joint custody and being a single dad.

I have an 8 years old daughter who has been living with me ever since birth. Her mother and I, separated 6 years leaving our child behind with me, her father. The decision among us with regards to whom the child will live with after separation, was never established. When she left without discussing anything, I took it upon myself that it's my duty and responsibile to continue to take care of my child. A year later, I took her to court to get joint custody, which was rewarded. It came to an agreement where we were granted joint custody and were responsibile for her medical, education, religious up bringing, who will she stay with during holidays, etc. My child continues to stay with me during the week and goes to her mom on the weekends.

For years, we've been arguing and I try not to do it in front of our child. Lately, I've been noticing the affacts on her and her school work especially, when she's in the shower. I can hear her talking to herself and reciting the things she hears and see over at her mom. When she comes home on Sunday evening, she would say, "daddy, my mommy did this and say that and I don't like what she's saying around me." This begins to bother me and I'm begining to be very worried. I've brought this up the her mother's attention, but everytime I mentioned something in a calm matter, she would erupt with anger. All my child's life, I've done everything to the best of my ability that a parent can do for their child.

My question is to you, what else can I do and what is my parental rights, especially being father that has a girl child that lives with him. I want to stay within my boundaries, without braking any custody agreement?

 

[BL]

What is the name of your state? NY

Hello all, this is my first time here and I'm looking for some feedback on where I stand and what's my next move dealing with joint custody and being a single dad.

I have an 8 years old daughter who has been living with me ever since birth. Her mother and I, separated 6 years leaving our child behind with me, her father. The decision among us with regards to whom the child will live with after separation, was never established. When she left without discussing anything, I took it upon myself that it's my duty and responsibile to continue to take care of my child. A year later, I took her to court to get joint custody, which was rewarded. It came to an agreement where we were granted joint custody and were responsibile for her medical, education, religious up bringing, who will she stay with during holidays, etc. My child continues to stay with me during the week and goes to her mom on the weekends.

For years, we've been arguing and I try not to do it in front of our child. Lately, I've been noticing the affacts on her and her school work especially, when she's in the shower. I can hear her talking to herself and reciting the things she hears and see over at her mom. When she comes home on Sunday evening, she would say, "daddy, my mommy did this and say that and I don't like what she's saying around me." This begins to bother me and I'm begining to be very worried. I've brought this up the her mother's attention, but everytime I mentioned something in a calm matter, she would erupt with anger. All my child's life, I've done everything to the best of my ability that a parent can do for their child.

My question is to you, what else can I do and what is my parental rights, especially being father that has a girl child that lives with him. I want to stay within my boundaries, without braking any custody agreement?

You can have the Orders modified to include , Neither Parent , their Guest , or Family members are to speak derogatorily about each other in front of or to the Child .

The child's statements are NOT hearsay , because the child IS the subject of this matter .

Additionally , If this is effecting the Child's school progress , speak to the School's social worker/psychologist ..

Additionally , you may want to enter your child in outside therapy , as it will be on record , later to be used in Court , if need be , and the Child's mental Health .

 

[lionking0812]

Blonde Lebinese, I want to thank you so much for the feed back. I've been a parent for 8 years and I'm learning new things everyday. Thanks again...

 

[BL]

Your welcome .

I went through similar w/ my Girlfriend's Son and Gran mother's visit .

Keep a Log of everything you child tells you that's derogatory , dates , ETC . It is admissible in Court .

It may take a few Contempt Petitions Afterwords , before the Judge gets tired of it .

It all depends on how severely it effects the Child .

That's why School and outside counseling records would support you claims , and help the child cope also .

 

[Syeera]

Be vary careful here - and I say this from experience. Yo have to do something about this now. Go for a modification of the custody order. If you wait until she is older, there is a chance that the mother may get the child to see things her way, and it could make the child turn against you. It puts a great emotional stress on the child. The child could end up not knowing who or what to believe. If your daughter is saying these things now, you need to do something about it ASAP.

 

[trustknow1]

My experience is similar in Colorado. Divorced my ex (and all her boyfriends) 10 years ago when my daughter was almost 2yrs old. Joint custody, Mom's house Mon eve - Fri afternoon, Dad's house EVERY Fri-Mon. Mom's focus is money and boyfriends, and lying to cover up her lack of responsibility. I have faced every horror story you could imagine; but those are the cards I was given. I sincerely wish I had the gift of an ex with reasonable interest in our child and basic parenting input. Unfortunately, my ex is the exact opposite.

Giving up is never an option with a child. You either commit 100%, or walk...there is no middle ground. Here is what "worked" for me to keep my daughter emotional stable and happy:

Basically, my goal is simple: Be a Better "Mom". Not a vindictive ex-husband. Easy to say, difficult to do. Before I say or do anything...I always ask myself if I'm acting solely in the best interest of my kid, and not reacting to my ex's behavior. If the answer is "yes", I proceed....if the answer is "questionable or no", I take notes and let it go. This is no place for ego games. This is about raising a healthy child.

The arguing issue:
I resolved this incredibly distructive impact on my child in the first three months after our divorce. I tried for her agreement to this rule: No negative comments made to our daughter about the other, and no negative comments allowed from our daughter about her parents. The only conversation allowed between parents when our daughter is present (at exchange times,or listening, phone, etc) is positive conversation including her......no exceptions. All the adult,parenting,discussions, arguing, etc is restricted to times of absolute privacy from her observation. Of course it did not work......so first I would only communicate by putting everything in written letters (which also documented things). This finally convinced her the only way to stop documentation of her behavior, was to cooperate. When she falls back to the arguing, I just start writing only again, and she stops.

I pick my battles...

I never question my daughter about anything at "Mom's" house or about Mom...period. School,sports,friends,parties,etc, are fine. Anything involving Mom in any way, is off limits. I learned this early, after watching my 2 year old daughter spend an entire week-end with me, looking down at her lap without talking at all. The reason was because my ex threatened her with severe punishment if she devulged any info about Mom's activities to me. She was frightened to death to open her mouth. I resolved that issue by promising my daughter I would never ask her anything about things at Mom's house so she would never have to worry about saying something "wrong" again with me. Things were fine from that point on...and I stick to it.

Sabotage by Mom.....
Waiting to advise me of the school conference, school plays, events, awards, games etc. until it is too late to attend to make me look bad was common. Solution: take "Mom" out of the equation. I contacted every teacher, coach, friend's parents, doctors, etc directly and advised them to deal with me directly so I could stay involved, and advised them all that any information provided through my ex generally ended up being "forgotten" to be forwarded. It works.

Regarding being "Solo Male father with a young female" definitely presents possible issues. The most serious being potential for the ex to use accusations of child (sexual)abuse as a weapon at some point if she is genuinely evil by nature.
My attorney originally advised me not to even allow my daughter to take a bath when staying at my house! And, of course, there was the fear of my daughter's friends not being allowed to come over to play due to the parents being paranoid of leaving their child (especially a daughter) alone at a "single guy's" house. Solution: I can't emphasize the importance of my getting immediately involved in all social aspects of my daughter's life. I know every parent, teacher, coach, friend, etc. personally, and they know me. Turns out, I am the most trusted parent they know. I do every
B-day party, holiday party, etc that takes place at my house. My ex is the one who never even bothers to show up. So, I have the opposite situation of what I feared might occur. I have my daughter's parents begging me to have their daughters for overnight's here, so they can have free time. It is great. I make sure all parents stick around to see what goes on when they are here, too. I just make sure to overdo the requests to the kids to keep bathroom doors, etc closed and stay clear when the kids change clothes, take baths, swim in the pool, etc. when they are here. Anything that might sound weird from the child's recap version told to their parents later, I make sure to call and clarify to the parent ahead of time, so they do not misunderstand. All the parent's love me.

Anyway, sorry for the novel. I am sure you can relate. All I can say is that if you truely commit 100%, you will have a normal daughter that has a real dad. There is no reward greater for me after the last ten years, than to see my daughter happy. It is also interesting that after she reached about 10 years old, whenever she needs something, or somebody to talk to, or someone she can count on, she always, always calls me from Mom's house. The most important thing is to let them figure out who they can count on, on their own. They are not stupid.

I gave up a 6 figure income, all my money, and definitely got rid of my ego during this process. I would do it again in a heartbeat. Once you get the ego part of the journey into proper prospective, the rest is alot easier. It has nothing to do with "winning" anything.

Buying things for your house, then again for mom's house because mom won't buy it, and paying support on time that also includes the money for the item at mom's house, then finding out Mom eventually sells the items at a garage sale and keeps the money....is...well...something that the state calls "joint custody", and you have to accept it. I just look at my Ex in a perspective that seems to keep me sane....

"she is just a really expensive baby-sitter"

If you feel like you are broke, being the real mom while your ex is taking the credit for it, the courts are against you, you have to fight for everything while your ex just gets what she thinks she "deserves",your friends (remember those?) think you are crazy to stick around, your ex refers to you as a paranoid, controlling "stalker" when you discuss parenting issues, and your concept of a "date" now, is spending two hours posting things on internet forums by yourself....and the last time you got a compliment was from your daughter, after she realized you are almost agreeing to get her that cell phone......you are doing just fine....lol.