joint decisions????

[formykidssake]

Hi, My ex and I share custody of our children.. They reside with my ex. our children are 15 and 13 and both want to have the top of their ears pierced (girls). My ex says he needs to discuss this with his new wife... Isn't he supose to discuss this with me, not her? our custody papers say my ex and I make the decisions regarding our girls.. now they told me he won't let them get it done because the asked me. he says they are not to discuss anything with me. he also wants me to change weekends with him to work around his new wifes schedule.. he has kept them from me for 9 months and now it is finally on paper. and he wants me to believe him after all this.. He just wants all the power, that's what it comes down to. (my girls have lived with their father since summer of 99 and don't want to change schools and friends.. they went their on their own will, thinking it wouldn't have ended this way) Anyway what are my rights.. from what the courts say this is something he should be discussing with me, not her.. thanks (from Pa.)

 

[FKNA]

your divorce decree will have most of your answers for you. But let me say this much, it doesn't matter if ALL decisions are to be made by the both of you. Either one of you always has the right to discuss things with whomever you please, thus your decisions could be swayed one way or another by an outside influence. Simply put, he can discuss make his decision based on discussions he has with his current wife.

As far as your rights, if it's not spelled out specifically in your divorce decree, then you don't have a leg to stand on.

 

[formykidssake]

my post

If you reread my post, it does say we make the decisions together.,and is on paper!! to me putting a hole in you body is a decision her parents need to make. not the step-mother.

 

[deefran]

What the decree usually means when speaking of joint decisions are to be made by both parents is in regards to medical situations, living situations, and educational decisions. If you truly feel that he is neglecting to inform you of decisions he is making, you can take him for contempt of court, but I just want to let you know a judge will not be happy if it is about ear piercing...yes, it may be a large issue for you...Now, if you are to have visitations with the girls and he is not abiding by that, then you can take him in for contempt. Unfortunately when another parent remarries, the other parent may feel "threatened" by the new step parents role in their childrens lives. For your own sanity, you are going to have plenty of larger battles to fight with your ex concerning your children, you may want to choose wisely which ones you will wage. Fighting for your right to visitation is a much wiser battle, as at least you will see your children, pierced ears and all.
Courts see issues such as ear piercing, hair cuts, etc...as minor.

 

[FKNA]

formykidssake.....in my original divorce decree it had "joint custody" language in it. The first time I was to get my daughter for the summer I found that merely "joint custody" didn't mean jack. I had to get myself a lawyer and have the decree modified. Specifically, in regards to joint custody....this is how I had mine modified.

"In exercising joint legal custody, Petitioner and Respondent are to cooperate and agree in making decisions on the following matters (in all other matters the parties may act alone in a reasonable and responsible manner):
(1) Enrollment or termination in a particular private school;
(2) Beginning or ending the regular practice of a religion;
(3) Commencement of psychiatric, psychological, or other such mental health counseling or therapy;
(4) Passport applications;
(5) Non-emergency medical/dental elective surgery or treatment. This does not include decisions for necessary medical treatment or surgery in cases of emergencies, or routine checkups or treatment for minor illnesses and health care maintenance, which decisions can be made by the parties alone as long as they are made in a reasonable and responsible manner."

So this is what I meant when I said your divorce decree will have most of the answers for you. My daughter lives with her mom. However, in reading about my divorce decree, I and my present wife (my daughters stepmom) could decide tomorrow to have my daughters ears pierced and there's not a damn thing her mom could do about it.

So again, I refer you back to your divorce decree. If it's not spelled out that he can't make that kind of decision by himself and/or by himself and his current wife, there's not much you can do about it except to petition to modify your divorce decree.

 

[formykidssake]

FKNA

my divorce decree doesn;t say anything about our children. when we got divorced(in 97) my ex husband try to trick me into signing over all rights so his new wife could adopt them (he is sneaky this way) I'm the type of person to allow my girls to explore(like letting them live with their father, he is nice to them, and should be) but now I went to court and filed for custody, but my daughters begged me not to take them from the home(because of friends and school, they live with him since summer of 99) so I went for visitation rights and to be involved in their life as much as possible. my ex and I went infront of a master and AGREED to every other weekend and Wed. and holidays and we have shared custody. the master explained thet the decisions would be if we lived together. and if we were still together we would discuss this issue. so it's on paper through the courts. and the papers are dated NOV.30,2001 so this is new. out side of the court room he says I have no rights to my girls and acts as If I'm not here. you must understand he is in a big power trip because the girls didn't want to come here. They are teenagers with no super vision and are home alone most of the day. they have been arrested for stealing and are not allowed in their local mall for 1 year, and both have tried to comit suicide and I put them in the hospital. so I knew a big custody battle could do them more harm then good. I just want to be there to make the decisions with him because apparently his are all wrong. he lies to them contanly and tells them I don't want them.. it's a big messy thing. and I can't just sit back and let his new wife take my place if I'm willing to be there. that's my right. please don't take this wrong, but it would take me a long time to explain all he has done. and as minor as a pierced ear is, if I just let it go it could get worse. I'm just doing what is leagally on paper, he is not.

 

[FKNA]

I want to point something out to you. "like letting them live with their father, he is nice to them" and " but my daughters begged me not to take them from the home(because of friends and school" as well as "they have been arrested for stealing and are not allowed in their local mall for 1 year, and both have tried to comit suicide and I put them in the hospital. so I knew a big custody battle could do them more harm then good."

How can he be "nice" to them if he's lying to them about you?

There is only ONE reason my daughter lives with her mother and that's because she is a good mother. If that were to ever change, you better believe I'd take full custody of my daughter in a heartbeat regardless of what my daughters wishes. YOU are the parent, YOU are the one to make decisions, YOU are the one that should decide what's best for them. Remember, YOU are the PARENT and they are the CHILDREN.

Bottom line, daddy can get their ears pierced. However, if he is not allowing you to see your children (which it's stated in your decree when you can see them), then you need to do something about that NOW. Question for you. BOTH have been arrested, BOTH have attempted suicide. Why then it would do more harm than good for you to fight for custody, especially since the household they live in is obviously not a very good environment for them to be raised in (based on the info you have given).

I don't mean to come down on you or anything. I'm just a firm believer in doing what is truly best for the child. And if you're children really are being raised in such a bad environment, it is your DUTY as a parent to do something about it.

 

[formykidssake]

bottom line, That's why I filed for custody. and plain out was told if the children didn't want to live with me then the judge wouldn't make them (because of their age) and my lawyer told me that since he is constantly battling with me that it would go back and forth and by then the girls would be 18. believe me, I want nothing more than to have them with me and they know that. I regret them ever going with him, I never thought he would be this way.. and he doesn't see how this affects him. he's just glad they would rather be with him... I have over 300 e-mails and messages on my machine from all of them. the master said he didn't care about what happened 6 sec. ago 6 hrs. ago and so on (his words) so now I just have to live with everything, and I know my girls will not be productive citizens. so now what can I do. that's why I keep everything so I have it incase we go back to court. but apparently the courts are the ones who don't care.

 

[FKNA]

I feel for ya. I'm sure am glad my ex doesn't play those games when it comes to my daughter. Best suggestion that I can give at this point is to use what ammo you currently have. If you have visitation every other weekend, make sure you get your kids every other weekend. And if you show up to pick up your kids (always carry a copy of the divorce decree with you) for your scheduled time with them and he doesn't let you have them, call the cops. Keep records of it. Also, start building up your aresenal. Get arrest records for your daughters, medical records of attempted suicides, report cards if they are bad, etc. Just anything and everything you can think of that would be in your favor. And if the judge's sole reasoning for not giving you custody of your children is because they don't want to live with you, then find a new lawyer.

 

[formykidssake]

thanks

thanks for the good advice. I have gotten a few things and tried to present the at my hearing and they wouldn't even give me the time of day. I guess because I'm the mother and they weren't living with me. Pa. courts stink, they are so old fashion it's stinks. I have records from the school nurse, the theripist,(although conf. some things they'd have to say) I'm stuck on this and regret it so much.. I've lost so much of our relationship, of mother and daughter, and don't know if I'll ever get it bad.

 

[smh33]

Check your order to see if it specifies what issues major & to be disscussed? Then check if it has a clause giving final say to one parent if the two parents cannot agree? If nothing, usually the residental parent is considered first, thier wishes. Perhaps you could all agree that ears can get holes at 16yrs, think most places require one be 16 or accompanied by parent. Really you can only document the disagreement and how handled, along with anything else and build your case.
Ex is free to disscuss with whomever but, yes..first disscussion should be with you & your position should be considered before the step's. However, quite hard to have that way....court can order but cannot make one follow through.