Just Want My Kids

[LUVMY3KIDS]

What is the name of your state? VA

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

 

[bulldogg70]

Ma’am,
I want to first congratulate you for working to come clean. It takes a lot for a person to recognize that they are abusing drugs, alcohol and other things and then fight it. I wish many more people could be as brave as you. Anyway, lets get back to what concerns you the most and that is your children. The reality of it is you have been without your children for three years, further, the reason is because of a drug problem you had which has taken along time to resolve. This problem was harming enough that the court awarded full custody to the father, which you agreed to including one child which was learned later not his (the father) biological child but he is still taking care of that child (applause.) Now, you want to take these three kids after three years and bring them back to you like nothing has happened or that you have not missed a day in their life. Although you have gotten and are getting help the reality is these kids are in a comfortable situation and I believe it will be hard for a Judge to come along and take the children away from this comfort zone.
All is not lost, I think if you show the court you have been clean, you have received the medical help to stay clean that the court will start granting you visitation time and phone access. I also think you should attempt to ask the father if you can make arrangements to come over and help the kids with homework or whatever if it is REALLY needed. As you continue to progress it will build a foundation which the court should feel comfortable in allowing you more and more time to a point and at a point.
I applaud you for your work in attempting to straighten out your life, however, as I am sure you are aware of, everything comes with a price. Because of your problem it is probably going to be hard for a court to blindly justify giving you back full custody and parenting time. I am not the court nor a Judge but I hope you understand. Keep working on making yourself a stronger person.... your kids are counting on it.

 

[nextwife]

I fully agree. The children are NOT best served by turning their lives upside down and changing custody simply because YOU now feel you are ready to parent them. They are settled and HAVE a home they know.

 

[SMURFEELAW]

One point of interest for you is that I would not overemphasize the fact that your 3 year old is having speech problems (if I understood correctly this is the child that is not this mans but another mans and this is the child that was 6 mo. when you gave up custody) these problems may very well stem from your past drug problems and this does not make your case stronger. I respect what you have done and pray you will continue to recover but the children have been with their dad for three years and uprooting them could be detrimental to their wellbeing. I agree with the other posters you need to do everything you can to keep close contact but now may not be the best time to try to uproot them.

As a second hint**** turn off the Caps Lock, some people won't read it and they can be very helpful****

Good Luck

 

[LUVMY3KIDS]

I Think I Didnt Clerify Things Enough

Thank You All For Your Replys, But I Think I May Not Have Come Across Clearly. I Have 3 Children But Only Two Of Them Are Not With Me, The Youngest Is 2 And He Is With Me. To Respond About My 3 Year Olds Speech Problems, I Have Been Clean Almost 5 Years, So I Wasnt Using When He Was Born. I Kind Of Feel A Little Bashed Upon Here, Yes The Dad Has Had Them For 3 Years But I Havent Been Out Of Their Lives, I Go To School Meetings, I See Them On Weekends And I Talk To Them Every Night On The Phone. My Daughter Is Having Alot Of Problems And Her Teachers Feel She Is Expressing Attention Seeking Behaviors Because She Wants To Be With Her Mommy. She Is A Very Sweet Child And I Dont Think I Made Myself Clear, He Has Had Them For Three Years And Should Be Applauded For That, But He Is Mentally And Physically Abusive To My Oldest Daughter, Which Is The One That We Found Isnt His. He Is Mentally Abusive To The Three Year Old As Well But Not Physically Yet. He Has A Very Bad Temper And I Cant See Any Judge In Their Right Mind After Social Services Has Been Involved B/c Of Bruises Found On Her , Allowing Him To Retain Full Custody. He Is A Very Spiteful Person And Has Told Me That The Only Reason He Is Keeping Them Is Becaus Ehe Knows It Hurts Me. I Fear That If My Children Are Not Removed From Him They Will Be Ruined, Mentally, Physically And Otherwise. Can Anyone Give Me Any Advice, Besides Telling Me That I Had A Drug Problem And Dont Deserve My Children Back. Everyone Deserves A Second Chance, And I Have Fought Long And Hard To Be Able To Say That I Am Ready And My Home Is Stable For These Children.

 

[stealth2]

I HAD A SERIOUS DRUG PROBLEM , AND 2 CHILDREN WHO WERE 4 AND 6 MONTHS. <snip> WELL , OF COURSE I AM 3 YEARS CLEAN NOW

I Have Been Clean Almost 5 Years

So which is it? Clean 3 years, or clean 5 years?

 

[LUVMY3KIDS]

needed advice, not smartasses

Ok I Came On Here To Try And Get Some Advice, So Far All I Have Gotten Are Cut Downs And People Throwing Things In My Face. Is There Anyone Who Can Give Me Some Solid Advice For Court? And To Annswer To The Snip Its About My Being Clean, I Have Been Clean 4 5 Mo, And 16 Days. I Misquoted In My First Post, Im Sorry About That But Everyone Makes Mistakes.

 

[styl4u64]

I'm sure that anyone that CAN ,,,, WILL,,, bash away here, at me or at you. The story you 'present' is very 'bashable' as you were/are blatantly honest about your situation. It's NO sweat off my back if I get bashed as I'm new as you,,this poster. This board ISN'T,,, 'Let's play Judge and tear this person apart',, it's o.k.if this is what YOU asked, ,,this is supposed to be for WHAT happened to
us and ONLY if preferrably the answer comes from a 'statewide' poster from the original poster's question. COME ON,,,, if all of US were here because WE HAVE all the answers and FACTS then we wouldn't waste so much time giving 'answers' that were full of venom and judgement. People are here for support and would like that support to come from all of us as we aren't perfect or we wouldn't be on some FREE board asking questions as we are suffering alone and do not have all the
answers. ALL OF US have been in this position and alot of us are out here spending EVERY dime we can to find answers and solutions. Then to come on here and by the WAY,,,, it's not just this poster's question or dilemma, this Poster's "JUDGEMENT PANEL",, in other words, it seems the SAME people who are answering negatively are the VERY same people that respond the MOST negative. And whoever answers this in this same negative way,,, Please Note,,,, I will Not be the only one that answers all your negative and void replies. Whoever replies, go ahead, show yourselves and your judgement calls. I am telling you for the most part, there is some 'texture' here, some REAL material here. And we have a choice to retain that 'texture' or material. But alot of useful time is going to the babblers' that are very bitter or not satisfied with the way life dealt them. If the shoe fits,,, come on wear it. Words are just that and alot of you are more damaging to spirit than a crooked lawyer off the streets that knows we are vulnerable. Even those that post with drama. I am answering to this post as it has occured to me 'daily' amongst MOST of the same members and I believe that someone needs to be
called to this very hurtful and non-contributing factor for this board and the affiliates.

 

[stealth2]

Really, to both OP and styl... The responses you've gotten have been anything but rude or bashing. Considering how difficult your posts are to read, you got very reasonable responses - and very polite ones. It is very difficult to even begin to give a response when the information presented is neither clear nor accurate. The response you get is only going to be as good as the information you put in.

There IS a huge difference in one's chances depending on the amount of time clean. My initial understanding was that at the time you gave your ex custody, you were still struggling to become clean and realized that if you went to court he would likely get custody anyway. That you were, at that time, already clean for over a year apparently, potentially changes the picture quite a bit. To *me* it indicates that there was something else at play in your need to straighten yourself out - financial issues, perhaps? If that's the case, it's entirely possible that your drug use and subsequent quitting is totally irrelevant to the situation.

Your other problem is that you voluntarily gave him custody. That means you made an implicit statement about his fitness to parent the children - it's very difficult for you to now turn around and say that he's not.

 

[LUVMY3KIDS]

Clarity

Ok, Im Sorry If My Post Wasnt Clear To Some Of You. I Gave My Ex Custody Because At The Time, There Was No Other Choice. They Would Either Stay With Him Or With Me In A Car, And Possibly Not Eat. I Feel That At That Time I Made The Decision That Was Best For The Children, But I Am Finacially Stable Now And The Children Woul In Fact Be Better Off With Me Because They Need To Be In A Warm Loving And Caring Home. Is There Anyone Out There That Can Give Me Some Idea Of What I Should Do To Try And Win Custody?

 

[stealth2]

You're going to need to prove him unfit.

 

[LUVMY3KIDS]

VA.....I would like to know how to prove him fit, if he has already been questioned by cps and he only got a warning. I guess I'm just trying to make sure that I have everything in order before I go to court. Any advice that you can give me would be greatly appreciated.

 

[LUVMY3KIDS]

VA.....I would like to know how to prove him unfit, if he has already been questioned by cps and he only got a warning. I guess I'm just trying to make sure that I have everything in order before I go to court. Any advice that you can give me would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Whyte Noise]

LUVMY3KIDS...

You're going to have to focus on ways that the children aren't being taken care of properly. What makes him not the proper parent to care for the children. That's the bottom line.

The fact that YOU are in a better position to take care of them doesn't matter. All the court cares about is a change in circumstances of the child. Not a change in the NCP's life.

I'm not saying this to be rude or crude, trust me. I've BEEN where you are right now. I'm an NC mom and my situation was a lot like yours.

The ONLY thing you need to do is concentrate on WHY dad isn't the best parent any longer. What's changed since he's had the children that makes the current order no longer right? What has he done (or not done) that makes YOU the proper parent to care for the children. See what I'm saying?

You have drugs working against you. Almost 5 years clean is a great thing... but it's still there. The court can and most likely WILL look at that issue. There's no denying it.

Like Stealth also said... you initially, voluntarily, gave him custody and AGREED he was the better parent at the time. That is a HUGE hurdle to overcome... been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. You're going to have to prove him basically unfit to be a parent.