KimRN: You locked your thread

[TheGeekess]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

KimRN KimRN is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 1
Question
Child visitation with non-custodial parent, not biological father
I am a 30 year old registered nurse in North Carolina. When I was 19 years of age, I was sexually assaulted, resulting in a pregnancy which, in the end, I chose to keep the child. He was the best thing that had ever happened to me, really. A blessing in disguise. Anyway, I started nursing school when he was 1 year old, graduated with my BSN in 2007. At this time, I had been dating a man for 2 years, since my son was almost 4 years old. We married in May of 2007, 2 weeks after I graduated nursing school. This man legitimated his birth by signing his birth certificate, but never adopted him legally. 5 months after signing the birth certificate, we separated. Therefore, this man has visitation rights to a child that is not even his. He and his wife are very disrespectful to myself, and the wife oversteps her boundaries with me on a regular basis. My son, who is 9 years of age now, practically begs me to not make him go over there. He says he is tired of going back and forth, that there is too much arguing that goes on over there, and that he just wants to stay with one family. We have a court date scheduled for August 15th regarding granting full custody to myself, his biological mother, due to the man never truly adopting the child, but stating that he did in the separation papers. Can he force my son to visit with him at this point? I do not feel that it should even be in question that he be made to visit with a man whom he is truly not even related to, if he chooses not to.

However, since you and DAD perpetuated a fraud upon the state by having him sign the AOP, then he's DAD and you are stuck with him until son hits the age of majority.

You tried to do a backdoor adoption and now it's going to bite you in the butt. He is Dad. Get used to it.

 

[nextwife]

Dearie, he IS related to them!

You made him the legal father. It no longer matters if he is the biological father.

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?



However, since you and DAD perpetuated a fraud upon the state by having him sign the AOP, then he's DAD and you are stuck with him until son hits the age of majority.

You tried to do a backdoor adoption and now it's going to bite you in the butt. He is Dad. Get used to it.

Precisely.

 

[muchneededhelp]

Sorry, KimRN... he signed the birth certificate, and he is now legal dad.

And as such, you AND HIM must share parental responsibilities, create a custody/parenting plan, and child support due until the child reaches the age of majority.

I'd also like to say, shame on you for having someone sign the birth certificate that wasn't the father, have this person for all intents and purposes BE dad, then decide because they aren't blood related that you can revoke his legal rights to the child. You should of researched the legal ramifications before allowing him to sign an AOP.

Start co-parenting like an adult, you have many more years of it.

 

[single317dad]

However, since you and DAD perpetuated a fraud upon the state by having him sign the AOP, then he's DAD and you are stuck with him until son hits the age of majority.

You tried to do a backdoor adoption and now it's going to bite you in the butt. He is Dad. Get used to it.

I, for one, would think long and hard before I went in to court with OP's argument.

 

[KimRN]

Sorry, KimRN... he signed the birth certificate, and he is now legal dad.

And as such, you AND HIM must share parental responsibilities, create a custody/parenting plan, and child support due until the child reaches the age of majority.

I'd also like to say, shame on you for having someone sign the birth certificate that wasn't the father, have this person for all intents and purposes BE dad, then decide because they aren't blood related that you can revoke his legal rights to the child. You should of researched the legal ramifications before allowing him to sign an AOP.

Start co-parenting like an adult, you have many more years of it.

I was asking for advice, not opinions. Also, I have done nothing but co-parent. It is the other party that does not comply with the rules. Yes, I did make a huge mistake. However, the huge mistake that a man made by raping me seems to go unpunished due to myself not knowing what to do after it happened. If my ex-husband would respect me as my son's mother, things would be different. When my son begs not to go over there, comes home from a weekend with them and has not brushed his teeth for days, has not had his allergy medicine for days (seeing as he has severe allergies with asthma), and complains of his step brothers being mean to him, I think that is where I draw the line. My ex-husband refuses to talk these issues out with me. The only way he knows how to communicate is through yelling, or he has his wife send me threatening text messages or messages saying very disrespectful things to me. He will not work with me on these issues. He istead attempts to let his wife handle the issues, who is not the person that should be resolving his problems. I am at my wits end.

 

[Proserpina]

I was asking for advice, not opinions. Also, I have done nothing but co-parent. It is the other party that does not comply with the rules. Yes, I did make a huge mistake. However, the huge mistake that a man made by raping me seems to go unpunished due to myself not knowing what to do after it happened.

This is, legally, completely irrelevant.

If my ex-husband would respect me as my son's mother, things would be different. When my son begs not to go over there, comes home from a weekend with them and has not brushed his teeth for days, has not had his allergy medicine for days (seeing as he has severe allergies with asthma), and complains of his step brothers being mean to him, I think that is where I draw the line.

Your son is PLENTY old enough to brush his own teeth and know that he needs to take his medicine. And honestly Mom siblings - be they natural, step or half - are often mean to each other. That's the nature of siblings. It's part of YOUR job to teach your child coping skills.

My ex-husband refuses to talk these issues out with me. The only way he knows how to communicate is through yelling, or he has his wife send me threatening text messages or messages saying very disrespectful things to me. He will not work with me on these issues. He istead attempts to let his wife handle the issues, who is not the person that should be resolving his problems. I am at my wits end.

Perhaps he thinks they're not actually issues at all?

 

[KimRN]

This is, legally, completely irrelevant.





Your son is PLENTY old enough to brush his own teeth and know that he needs to take his medicine. And honestly Mom siblings - be they natural, step or half - are often mean to each other. That's the nature of siblings. It's part of YOUR job to teach your child coping skills.





Perhaps he thinks they're not actually issues at all?

Does it really make you feel good to treat people the way that you do? To be so cold to people? This is a website. I am a successful woman. I would never do anything to hurt anyone, but it seems to me that it is ok for others treat people however they choose. I suppose you and my ex-husband are the same type of person. It doesn't matter who you hurt to get what you want, the way you want it.
Furthermore, my child is currently being evaluated for some things involving his attention problems, and possibly for having a mild case of autism. It is very difficult for him to remember even the usual, everyday tasks. He is a very sensitive, shy child as well. I have done nothing but look out for his best interest. His "father" moved to a different county. Expects to get my son anytime he wants, even during the school week, during end of grade testing, regardless of our separation agreement. Never did we have a custody hearing. The only place where visitation is documented is in our separation agreement. I am always cooperative and flexible with him. He is never cooperative and flexible with me. My son stays more with his father's wife's ex-husband's grandparents than he does with his father. Explain to me why I should just sit back and be mistreated, allow my son to be mistreated, and just smile?

 

[KansasPrincess]

Does it really make you feel good to treat people the way that you do? To be so cold to people? This is a website. I am a successful woman. I would never do anything to hurt anyone, but it seems to me that it is ok for others treat people however they choose. I suppose you and my ex-husband are the same type of person. It doesn't matter who you hurt to get what you want, the way you want it.
Furthermore, my child is currently being evaluated for some things involving his attention problems, and possibly for having a mild case of autism. It is very difficult for him to remember even the usual, everyday tasks. He is a very sensitive, shy child as well. I have done nothing but look out for his best interest. His "father" moved to a different county. Expects to get my son anytime he wants, even during the school week, during end of grade testing, regardless of our separation agreement. Never did we have a custody hearing. The only place where visitation is documented is in our separation agreement. I am always cooperative and flexible with him. He is never cooperative and flexible with me. My son stays more with his father's wife's ex-husband's grandparents than he does with his father. Explain to me why I should just sit back and be mistreated, allow my son to be mistreated, and just smile?

This is a legal forum. You have been given legal answers. Just because you don't like them doesn't make them any less legal.

Pro was not being cold. You have to face your legal realities. His "father" is still his "father" whether you put quotes around the word or not. It's your way of demeaning their relationship when you're the one that created the relationship.

As far as him moving to another county, if he creates the distance and still makes the trip to see his child, then no harm done. It doesn't put you in any different place than if he was next door. The only way to change your visitation plan is to modify it through the courts. Until then, you have to follow the agreed-upon visitation schedule.

Yes, step-mom needs to back off as she has no legal standing, but I'm thinking she's not the only problem.

 

[ecmst12]

If there is a visitation order in place, you are only obligated to follow the order, nothing more, nothing less. It is unlikely that you will convince a judge that it's in your child's best interests to never see his father. And yes, when you allowed him to legitimize the child and didn't attempt to disestablish paternity in the divorce, you made your ex the legal father. Your child is 9 and having some emotional/developmental problems...why do you think that he is mature enough to make a choice like whether or not to have a relationship with his dad? Most kids go through periods when they don't like one parent or the other, that doesn't mean the "favored" parent should try to erase the other one from existence. What if a year or 2 from now your child decides he can't stand being with you and wants to go live with dad? Would you let him make the choice then?

 

[InfantCustody]

Does it really make you feel good to treat people the way that you do? To be so cold to people? This is a website. I am a successful woman. I would never do anything to hurt anyone, but it seems to me that it is ok for others treat people however they choose. I suppose you and my ex-husband are the same type of person. It doesn't matter who you hurt to get what you want, the way you want it.
Furthermore, my child is currently being evaluated for some things involving his attention problems, and possibly for having a mild case of autism. It is very difficult for him to remember even the usual, everyday tasks. He is a very sensitive, shy child as well. I have done nothing but look out for his best interest. His "father" moved to a different county. Expects to get my son anytime he wants, even during the school week, during end of grade testing, regardless of our separation agreement. Never did we have a custody hearing. The only place where visitation is documented is in our separation agreement. I am always cooperative and flexible with him. He is never cooperative and flexible with me. My son stays more with his father's wife's ex-husband's grandparents than he does with his father. Explain to me why I should just sit back and be mistreated, allow my son to be mistreated, and just smile?

You made quite a mess with the AOP, but I have signed a NC AOP with the dad and it makes VERY CLEAR that you cannot back out of signing it as either parent. You read and understand that once the parent signs, they have FULL rights to custody of the child as well as visitation, the right to child support, so on and so forth.

If you don't want to be cooperative and flexible, don't. Don't let him have him at times other than those detailed in the separation papers. That is a choice you make, and since you ALLOW those things, you can't complain about them later.

I find it very, nearly impossible, to believe that at 9 years of age your son cannot remember to brush his teeth. My son has remembered to brush his teeth since he was 4. He hasn't argued about it since he was 6. My AUTISTIC nephew is the same - actually more so - because he follows obsessive routines so if you tried to get him to go to bed WITHOUT taking his medicine and brushing his teeth he would come unglued. Being shy is fine - but your son is going to have to learn to cope with many different people despite being shy and sensitive. He has a long life of not being best buds with everyone, but he has to cope in those situations.

Does he go to school? I am sure there are children who may be less than nice to him, but he still has to go to school. If the step/half siblings are mean, that's part of life. My boys are half brothers. My oldest gets the youngest to chase him adoringly and then tries to close him in his bedroom after he loving follows him in there. It isn't nice, but I go fetch the youngest and tell the oldest to be thoughtful to his brother. Probably never will - they are brothers. These experiences are part of life... My brother used to dip my lollipops in wax and tell me it was sugar so I would eat the candle wax. He used to shake his cookie crumbs on me to make me cry. He used to make creepy shadows on my walls in the nightlight so I would run screaming out of my room in terror. It wasn't nice, but I lived.

Don't communicate with anyone but dad, but only bring up real issues. Not differences in parenting. And honestly, you are a big girl. If dad or dad's wife/mother/cousin/// aren't nice to you...you will survive. My ex seems to spend good thought time thinking up ways to be intentionally hurtful and spiteful to me. It's a hobby for him. He did it just tonight. It really doesn't matter in the long run - and you will just learn to let it roll off your back. Don't give him any "cheese" for it. No one can fight with themselves...

 

[Proserpina]

Does it really make you feel good to treat people the way that you do? To be so cold to people? This is a website. I am a successful woman. I would never do anything to hurt anyone, but it seems to me that it is ok for others treat people however they choose. I suppose you and my ex-husband are the same type of person. It doesn't matter who you hurt to get what you want, the way you want it.

I'm sorry, what?

Exactly what did I do? Tell you something that you didn't want to hear?

Oh. I'm sorry. Probably not as sorry as you are for committing paternity fraud though and being stuck with your child's LEGAL FATHER.

Furthermore, my child is currently being evaluated for some things involving his attention problems, and possibly for having a mild case of autism. It is very difficult for him to remember even the usual, everyday tasks. He is a very sensitive, shy child as well. I have done nothing but look out for his best interest. His "father" moved to a different county. Expects to get my son anytime he wants, even during the school week, during end of grade testing, regardless of our separation agreement. Never did we have a custody hearing. The only place where visitation is documented is in our separation agreement. I am always cooperative and flexible with him. He is never cooperative and flexible with me. My son stays more with his father's wife's ex-husband's grandparents than he does with his father. Explain to me why I should just sit back and be mistreated, allow my son to be mistreated, and just smile?

"Father"?

Really, "Mom"?


Re-read KansasPrincess's post. Seriously.

 

[Ohiogal]

I was asking for advice, not opinions

Advice: YOU BROKE THE LAW. You committed fraud. Under penalty of perjury (a felony) you told the court HE WAS DADDY. You can't undo that. Unless you want to face criminal charges.

Also, I have done nothing but co-parent. It is the other party that does not comply with the rules.

Wrong. You have shown your disregard for the rules by breaking the law and committing fraud.

Yes, I did make a huge mistake. However, the huge mistake that a man made by raping me seems to go unpunished due to myself not knowing what to do after it happened.

He went unpunished because YOU DID NOTHING. You didn't report the rape and follow through on it. Your fault. Sounds horrible huh? But quite frankly YOU did not report him. Instead you decided to lie about your son's parentage. Oh and since you did not prosecute this man, IF you try to get your ex husband removed, watch said man be able to get rights to his child. No proof of rape. What a mistake that would be, wouldn't it?

If my ex-husband would respect me as my son's mother, things would be different. When my son begs not to go over there, comes home from a weekend with them and has not brushed his teeth for days, has not had his allergy medicine for days (seeing as he has severe allergies with asthma), and complains of his step brothers being mean to him, I think that is where I draw the line.

At nine, your son is old enough to brush his teeth, ask for his allergy medicine and kids are mean to one another. It is called sibling rivalry.

My ex-husband refuses to talk these issues out with me. The only way he knows how to communicate is through yelling, or he has his wife send me threatening text messages or messages saying very disrespectful things to me. He will not work with me on these issues. He istead attempts to let his wife handle the issues, who is not the person that should be resolving his problems. I am at my wits end.

And that doesn't change anything. YOU are NOT going to get full custody. Especially if you play the "non biological father" card. YOU committed a CRIME. Does your son know that this man is NOT his father? Have you told your son that? have you told your son he was a product of a rape?

 

[Ohiogal]

Does it really make you feel good to treat people the way that you do? To be so cold to people? This is a website. I am a successful woman. I would never do anything to hurt anyone,

You are a lying woman. And your lie apparently is hurting someone -- your son. Congrats.

but it seems to me that it is ok for others treat people however they choose. I suppose you and my ex-husband are the same type of person. It doesn't matter who you hurt to get what you want, the way you want it.

You got that wrong. Pro is not that type of person -- YOU are however. You are quite the same as your ex-husband. You lied to get what you wanted without any care to the consequences. You committed a crime to make your then-hubby your child's father. You didn't care you were breaking the law.

Furthermore, my child is currently being evaluated for some things involving his attention problems, and possibly for having a mild case of autism. It is very difficult for him to remember even the usual, everyday tasks. He is a very sensitive, shy child as well.

And?

I have done nothing but look out for his best interest. His "father" moved to a different county

Hey LIAR, remove the quotes from the word father. The man YOU CHOSE is his father.

Expects to get my son anytime he wants, even during the school week, during end of grade testing, regardless of our separation agreement. Never did we have a custody hearing.

Really? That is your own fault.

The only place where visitation is documented is in our separation agreement.

And what does that state? Word for word.

I am always cooperative and flexible with him. He is never cooperative and flexible with me. My son stays more with his father's wife's ex-husband's grandparents than he does with his father. Explain to me why I should just sit back and be mistreated, allow my son to be mistreated, and just smile?

Awwwww, you poor little victim. I cry for you. No, not really. YOU did this all to your self. It is called consequences. How is your son being mistreated?

Here is some advice: GROW UP. Get over it. Realize that your LIES are the root of all this. YOU are responsible for everything that has happened. YOU CHOSE to LIE. You chose to engage in a crime. You chose to be a person of no integrity who deserves no respect. Understood?

 

[La-a]

I'm sorry, what?

Exactly what did I do? Tell you something that you didn't want to hear?

Oh. I'm sorry. Probably not as sorry as you are for committing paternity fraud though and being stuck with your child's LEGAL FATHER.


"Father"?

Really, "Mom"?


Re-read KansasPrincess's post. Seriously.

I agree that KansasPrincess's post was excellent, especially for one so new here.

As am I.