Letter to NCP

[gotmyown3]

What is the name of your state? MS

My husband was awarded temp custody of his 12 year old daughter on 7/25/06 and then permanent custody on 12/1/06. The mother was awarded visitation once a month here in AL. The child and her mother have a stormy relationship, due to the mother allowing the stepfather to mistreat the child, and which is why my husband now has custody.

Here is the question: my stepdaughter refuses to visit with her mother. She wants nothing more to do with her after being called a "flat faced liar" and other things. Anyway, our attorney advised my husband to encourage her to visit but that he couldn't force her (kind of contrary to what I've read on here?). My stepdaughter was supposed to see her mother this weekend, but called her mother and told her not to bother (we did not know about this phone call until after the fact). The attorney advised my husband to instruct the child to write a letter to her mother stating that she did not want to see her or talk to her for a while to allow her time to "cool off", but naturally in the child's words and writing. This seems not the wisest move, but I actually heard the attorney say it so I'm not misunderstanding. Does this seem like a smart move?

 

[moburkes]

I'm not sure why the child should write the letter and send it to mom. I could see writing it to "vent", though, and not sending it. But, dad must allow mom her visitation as set by the court order.

 

[ceara19]

If it were me, I'd find a new lawyer. Allowing the child to refuse to go for visitation and having her write mom a letter is just asking for legal trouble.

 

[moburkes]

If it were me, I'd find a new lawyer. Allowing the child to refuse to go for visitation and having her write mom a letter is just asking for legal trouble.

Visitation is in AL. Mom, I'm guessing, is the one that lives in MS.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

I would have a very serious sit-down with the attorney.

While I would advise the child to write the letter, I would NOT advise sending it. Put it in a locked box and give it to her when she turns 18. AND have pops sit down with her and explain that she needs to go on visitations, if only to follow what the courts have ordered.

There is plenty of time to admend or change the order WITHOUT committing contempt.

 

[CJane]

Isn't this the mom that's pretty lax about showing up for visits anyway?

I agree with everyone else - it's a TERRIBLE idea to actually send that letter. Terrible. For both mom and your SD.

I'd have a heart to heart with the child. Tell her that she doesn't have to like it, but she has to go w/her mom if her mom shows up. That it's understood she's not happy about it, but she doesn't get to pick and choose her family, and sometimes we have to spend time with people we're not happy with. And then end the discussion. She knows you know how she feels, and that while you give a damn, there's nothing anyone can do about it.

 

[moburkes]

OP: Obviously there is confusion. That's why starting new threads dealing with the same issues is not recommended. WHERE are the visit's with mom taking place? In the OP, you said in AL. In other threads, it appears that they are another place, but I don't have the time to go searching for the answer.

 

[gotmyown3]

Thanks everyone. Yes, this is the mother who may or may not exercise visitation.

Saturday, while I was out with my 17 year old, my husband and his ex and the child had a blow up about visitation. Fortunately, my husband has learned the value of taping their conversations, so each time she calls him a m*&%$# f*&^%$, and calls the child a F*&^%$# liar, it's recorded. She actually told my stepdaughter that "it confused her" that the child did not want to spend time with her and that she "didn't understand" why. Then she proceeded to tell my stepdaughter that she didn't give a *&^% if she ever saw the kid again, then got my husband on the phone and told him she hoped he burned in hell.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

Thanks everyone. Yes, this is the mother who may or may not exercise visitation.

Saturday, while I was out with my 17 year old, my husband and his ex and the child had a blow up about visitation. Fortunately, my husband has learned the value of taping their conversations, so each time she calls him a m*&%$# f*&^%$, and calls the child a F*&^%$# liar, it's recorded. She actually told my stepdaughter that "it confused her" that the child did not want to spend time with her and that she "didn't understand" why. Then she proceeded to tell my stepdaughter that she didn't give a *&^% if she ever saw the kid again, then got my husband on the phone and told him she hoped he burned in hell.

So, your husand is taping the phone conversations of the child and the other parent?

 

[ceara19]

Explaining to the child, in terms she can understand, that not following the court order by refusing to visit with mom can result in mom being given custody again, in addition to encouraging the relationship, may make her more willing to cooperate. Normally, I don't believe in discussing matters like this with a child, but in this case, I can't see where it would make matters any worse then they already are.

 

[stealth2]

So, your husand is taping the phone conversations of the child and the other parent?

I caught that, too.

 

[CJane]

Fortunately, my husband has learned the value of taping their conversations, so each time she calls him a m*&%$# f*&^%$, and calls the child a F*&^%$# liar, it's recorded.

Dad needs to be VERY careful. By engaging in these... 'conversations'... with mom, he's encouraging her - and by allowing her to speak to the child when she's so irrational, he's also encouraging the abuse.

It would be far better to simply tell mom "Thanks for calling. We'll talk later when you're not upset." and hang up the phone, then to let this continue. He needs to be ready to hang up a LOT - I got very very good at saying "You have a good night too, we'll talk to you soon." and hanging up every time my ex got irrational on the phone - which was nearly every day for awhile. He finally got it that as soon as I started to say "You have a good..." that he'd better reign in his temper because the conversation was ending.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

gotmyown3 , why are you ignoring my question?

 

[gotmyown3]

Sorry. I wasn't ignoring anyone. My hard drive at work literrally blew-I had to use another office.

Anyway, yes he tapes all conversations. The ex knows and she tapes too. The judge knows as she has heard some of them when the ex denied saying this or that. I know....it shouldn't come to that but there's so much that has happened you would not believe. Remember, the ex is a school teacher, and to hear some of the things she supposedly says is unreal. No one believed my step daughter except the Guardian Ad Litem...until the tapes came out. Anyway, the whole question about the letter is moot now. My husband mailed it this morning and I didn't know it.

Thanks anyway.