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Limbs_of_a_pine

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Proserpina

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? OR

OP, why was NONE of this mentioned yesterday? First it was about school-work, but then ... this? I'm baffled.


So I took some time to read this thread ... I get it, you hate, me, sigh.
Sadly that tells me that you obviously don't get it. At. All.

I do realize the basic communication breakdown though. I had a legal question or 3 - I was focused on finding the legal answer and didn't respond to the "Why don't you take this reasonable advice and BACK OFF?" part. I agree, it's reasonable advice, good advice, but -- well, it's not a reasonable situation. I am not the concerned parent - my husband is: so this summary of the situation is second-hand, but this is HIS situation. Currently, like I said, they have joint custody. He is unhappy about:

- child's safety. His son reports playing with mom's boyfriend's hunting guns and crossbows. Dad says boyfriend shouldn't be alone with child according to custody agreement.
Does his parenting plan actually say the boyfriend cannot be alone around the child?

If yes, WHY hasn't Dad already done something about it?
If no, why are you indicating otherwise?
If "well no, but ... ", get Dad to sign up and talk to us.

- child's sexual behaviors. Recently son bribed/blackmailed playmate, put his penis into other child's mouth. Dad feels mom's home (three unrelated teen boys living with son) is unsafe. CPS notified immediately, child in therapy, situation isn't concluded to his satisfaction
How recently? HOW was it concluded, and when?

- diet. Son has dr. recommended diet due to his health problems, dad feels mom ignores diet
"Ignores", or "Doesn't do it to Dad's specific preferences"?

- child's self-mutilation. Son doesn't do this with dad, comes back from mom time with scabby patches (cuts self with nail clippers)
I'm finding it more and more worrisome that NONE of this was mentioned before you got your fur up.

- appointments. Mother makes appointments (dr., psychiatrist, etc) for son during father's parenting time - dad finds out about appointments when the reminder call comes. Ongoing problem for years but comes and goes. I've observed it three times in the past month.
3 appointments in the past month. This child appears to have chronic health issues - is that right?

- dad meeting with teacher or any school personnel. Dad wants to talk with key players at school one-on-one, not to make decisions but to get information. Mom interrupts, calls school to cancel, etc if/when she learns about such meetings. Currently mom says she will interrupt his next parent-teacher conference (next week) - angry that he scheduled his own apart from hers - dad says separate meetings OK by custody agreement
He needs to learn how to smile sweetly at her.

- religion. Dad is not christian ethnically or culturally, does not agree to have son raised in that religion, but son has been obsessed with Jesus' death for past six months - dad feels she is breaking joint custody agreement re. religion
Ah, no. The court cannot stop either parent from exposing the child to religion. That's not what joint legal custody means, though I suspect that's how you and Dad are interpreting it, right? Dad is also, of course, free to teach their mutual child about every other religion in existence or no religion whatsoever. Sadly he seems unable to sit down and give us the relevant parts of the court order ...

- teeth - son has many cavities, 8 teeth extracted in past year; dad feels mother neglects teeth
Dad has taken the child to see the dentist, right? How is this all Mom's fault?

- frequent changes in schedule - Mom informs dad that he needs to call in sick to care for son on her parenting days - I've observed this three times in the past 6 weeks but don't know how well he has documented it in past
But he'd be bitching up a storm if Mom sent the child to a sitter rather than giving him the option, wouldn't he? Or is it more that you're not being asked at all, vs Dad being asked/asked first?

- text/email barrages - Mom sends abusive messages, 15-30 an hour, to dad while he is at work. Only does this during her parenting time, so dad not comfortable blocking her # in case son needs to contact him. Apparently random - he doesn't know what triggers this (but it's consistent with borderline personality)
Tell him to invest in Family Wizard. And I'm pretty sure he knows exactly what's happening and why. This is where I actually start to feel bad for you because I honestly think you've been misled as far as Dad's parenting relationship with Mom goes.

- excessive texts - no barrages, but mom texts dad frequently during dad's parenting time - trivial texts like "Remember that tomorrow is Monday so he has to go to school" - dad feels harassed
Maybe Mom feels that Dad's parenting ability is lacking since your arrival?

- Drinking/drugs. Mom is a drinker - son has fetal alcohol syndrome, root cause of his developmental issues, so at least re. the past this is not supposition; mom has lost job in past year due to drinking according to dad (I don't know what his proof is). Dad says he has seen her take drugs and says her current appearance/behavior "look like she's switched to meth - " says there may be drug use in her house (again, I don't know how this would be proven).
You two are heading straight into the mouth of the beast and you don't even realize. You're <this> far from Dad actually losing time. :(

- Homework. Dad feels mom deliberately sabotages homework, does not release packet to him; sometimes packet has arrived completed in her handwriting. Dad suspects may be to undermine IEP (doesn't know why) or maybe to create impression with school that dad doesn't support son academically. ** This is the one dad has asked me specifically to help with and the one I asked about. **

I'm sure "dad" (my husband) has plenty more but these are the main problems he's expressed to me. Sorry they are a jumble but this is off the top of my head.

So ... yeah, it's HIS situation. I don't have a role to play beyond supporting him as he deals with it. But, as his partner, I do feel obligated to support him. He feels within his rights to get the homework packet but can't get to the school in time; he specifically asked me to do this, as it's a minor inconvenience to me. He is trying to build up a case to petition for sole custody as he feels the situation is untenable and seemingly getting worse as the years go by. BUT -- he is certain that, as a dad, he will lose. This is why I felt so panicky about getting precise information about whether what I'd done was legally defensible: I do NOT want to undermine him unknowingly.

edited to add - I don't mean that list to represent his legal grounds for asking for sole custody. But those are the reasons that he feels "screw it, I'm not being held hostage by her threats any more, I'm going to do what I feel is best for my kid without asking her permission first."
Do you know how this comes across? It looks like Dad hasn't cared that much about such SERIOUS issues until you arrived on the scene and he's still unable or unwilling - and at this point I'm truly not certain which it is - to act without you pushing him to act. That's actually a little terrifying.

Mom is such a bad parent, deliberately sabotaging him (even you have to admit the absolute inanity of that accusation), abusing the child, and yet ... I still think you're seeing only a small part of Dad's coparenting reality.

I'm sorry but one of two things is happening here. Either you're exaggerating (and I actually hope that's the case), or Dad is failing at parenting and the child doesn't need to be in Dad's custody any more than Mom's custody at this point.

There is a third option actually. I think you've been led up the garden path somewhat. I don't think Mom is nearly as bad as you've been led to believe and I think that since you've been on the scene that every thing she does or doesn't do is going to be even more closely scrutinized by you, because of what you think is true.

Sorry, but you need a reality check.
 


Ohiogal

Queen Bee
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? OR

OP, why was NONE of this mentioned yesterday? First it was about school-work, but then ... this? I'm baffled.




Sadly that tells me that you obviously don't get it. At. All.



Does his parenting plan actually say the boyfriend cannot be alone around the child?

If yes, WHY hasn't Dad already done something about it?
If no, why are you indicating otherwise?
If "well no, but ... ", get Dad to sign up and talk to us.



How recently? HOW was it concluded, and when?



"Ignores", or "Doesn't do it to Dad's specific preferences"?



I'm finding it more and more worrisome that NONE of this was mentioned before you got your fur up.



3 appointments in the past month. This child appears to have chronic health issues - is that right?



He needs to learn how to smile sweetly at her.



Ah, no. The court cannot stop either parent from exposing the child to religion. That's not what joint legal custody means, though I suspect that's how you and Dad are interpreting it, right? Dad is also, of course, free to teach their mutual child about every other religion in existence or no religion whatsoever. Sadly he seems unable to sit down and give us the relevant parts of the court order ...



Dad has taken the child to see the dentist, right? How is this all Mom's fault?



But he'd be bitching up a storm if Mom sent the child to a sitter rather than giving him the option, wouldn't he? Or is it more that you're not being asked at all, vs Dad being asked/asked first?



Tell him to invest in Family Wizard. And I'm pretty sure he knows exactly what's happening and why. This is where I actually start to feel bad for you because I honestly think you've been misled as far as Dad's parenting relationship with Mom goes.



Maybe Mom feels that Dad's parenting ability is lacking since your arrival?



You two are heading straight into the mouth of the beast and you don't even realize. You're <this> far from Dad actually losing time. :(



Do you know how this comes across? It looks like Dad hasn't cared that much about such SERIOUS issues until you arrived on the scene and he's still unable or unwilling - and at this point I'm truly not certain which it is - to act without you pushing him to act. That's actually a little terrifying.

Mom is such a bad parent, deliberately sabotaging him (even you have to admit the absolute inanity of that accusation), abusing the child, and yet ... I still think you're seeing only a small part of Dad's coparenting reality.

I'm sorry but one of two things is happening here. Either you're exaggerating (and I actually hope that's the case), or Dad is failing at parenting and the child doesn't need to be in Dad's custody any more than Mom's custody at this point.

There is a third option actually. I think you've been led up the garden path somewhat. I don't think Mom is nearly as bad as you've been led to believe and I think that since you've been on the scene that every thing she does or doesn't do is going to be even more closely scrutinized by you, because of what you think is true.

Sorry, but you need a reality check.
This is what I mean by an FA drinking game. If I had to take a drink with EVERYTHING I agreed with, I would be drunk by now. Dear God. Limbsofapine, your hubby is a problem. Look at him before mom.
 

Limbs_of_a_Pine

Junior Member
Wow. All this obsessive focus on my posts? One specific question spiraled into - this?

Sorry, this is just creepy.

I’ll give you a quick response (I’m not sure why; this exchange is disturbing). You have many, many questions about my husband and his actions. I can’t answer ANY of those. I’m soliciting precisely zero advice about his legal issues. He is dealing with them all through an attorney, not amusing strangers on the Internet with them.

There’s an implied question in all this about my role in it all. You've never asked directly and I haven’t volunteered, but I’ll tell you now. If I got my wish, I would play NO role. I’d give my stepson to his mother, 100% custody, 100% parenting time.

Apparently you can’t imagine the difficulty of life even half-time with a child with multiple physical, cognitive and emotional impairments. During his time in our house his dad is in 24/7 contact with him; there are 3-4 therapeutic visits to juggle weekly; there are episodes when I just need to take my daughter and get out. I accepted that, and do feel tenderness toward him, but last month’s sexual episode has changed that. To his dad, it’s something horrible - but also the opportunity to get CPS involved and challenge the fitness of the mother, a chance to get primary custody.

To me, it’s something horrible, and a potential threat to my daughter.

Whatever was useful to me about writing out some of these issues is overwhelmed by my deep discomfort with the behavior here. Goodbye, and good luck.
 

I'mTheFather

Senior Member
Just 3 things...

At the age of 9, a child has many more influences than those at home. I would not be so quick to point the finger at the mother.

Dental problems, including cavities, are one of the characteristics of FAS. Again, I wouldn't be so quick to blame the mother.

Self-harm is also an oft-occurring aspect of FAS. Again... Well, you get the point.

Now, go ahead and blame the mother for the child having FAS, but the behaviors that are being exhibited are not likely due to influences in her home, but to the diagnosis of FAS and the development delays you mentioned.
 

Just Blue

Senior Member
Wow. All this obsessive focus on my posts? One specific question spiraled into - this?

Sorry, this is just creepy.

I&#8217;ll give you a quick response (I&#8217;m not sure why; this exchange is disturbing). You have many, many questions about my husband and his actions. I can&#8217;t answer ANY of those. I&#8217;m soliciting precisely zero advice about his legal issues. He is dealing with them all through an attorney, not amusing strangers on the Internet with them.

There&#8217;s an implied question in all this about my role in it all. You've never asked directly and I haven&#8217;t volunteered, but I&#8217;ll tell you now. If I got my wish, I would play NO role. I&#8217;d give my stepson to his mother, 100% custody, 100% parenting time.

Apparently you can&#8217;t imagine the difficulty of life even half-time with a child with multiple physical, cognitive and emotional impairments. During his time in our house his dad is in 24/7 contact with him; there are 3-4 therapeutic visits to juggle weekly; there are episodes when I just need to take my daughter and get out. I accepted that, and do feel tenderness toward him, but last month&#8217;s sexual episode has changed that. To his dad, it&#8217;s something horrible - but also the opportunity to get CPS involved and challenge the fitness of the mother, a chance to get primary custody.

To me, it&#8217;s something horrible, and a potential threat to my daughter.

Whatever was useful to me about writing out some of these issues is overwhelmed by my deep discomfort with the behavior here. Goodbye, and good luck.
Get a divorce. Easy peasey. That way you don't have to deal with this situation...As you apparently are not able to.

Your husband has a MORAL and LEGAL obligation to help his child. You? Do. Not.
 
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mommyanme

Member
Just 3 things...

At the age of 9, a child has many more influences than those at home. I would not be so quick to point the finger at the mother.

Dental problems, including cavities, are one of the characteristics of FAS. Again, I wouldn't be so quick to blame the mother.

Self-harm is also an oft-occurring aspect of FAS. Again... Well, you get the point.

Now, go ahead and blame the mother for the child having FAS, but the behaviors that are being exhibited are not likely due to influences in her home, but to the diagnosis of FAS and the development delays you mentioned.
The sexual exploits of a 9 year old with mental impairments are not on Mom either, or a cause to get CPS involved and I'm willing to bet Dad didn't make that call on his own. I have a family member who is severely handicapped and I can remember him making gestures and "rubbing" people or himself inappropriately. My Aunt and Uncle were quick to stop him, but they also explained to us that he really had no understanding that it was wrong. As we all got older he was kept under constant supervision around the girls.

I’d give my stepson to his mother, 100% custody, 100% parenting time. Apparently you can’t imagine the difficulty of life even half-time with a child with multiple physical, cognitive and emotional impairments. During his time in our house his dad is in 24/7 contact with him; there are 3-4 therapeutic visits to juggle weekly; there are episodes when I just need to take my daughter and get out. To his dad, it’s something horrible - but also the opportunity to get CPS involved and challenge the fitness of the mother, a chance to get primary custody. To me, it’s something horrible, and a potential threat to my daughter.
Then maybe you should leave Dad and let him have a relationship with his son. That statement makes you look like a moron and answers why Mom dislikes you so much!
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
Wow. All this obsessive focus on my posts? One specific question spiraled into - this?

Sorry, this is just creepy.
You are trying to assert your rights over a child not your own, and apparently ignoring some rather serious issues, and this thread is creepy?!


I’ll give you a quick response (I’m not sure why; this exchange is disturbing). You have many, many questions about my husband and his actions. I can’t answer ANY of those. I’m soliciting precisely zero advice about his legal issues. He is dealing with them all through an attorney, not amusing strangers on the Internet with them.
Then why on earth did you post? Did you get lost on your way over to dontknowmyboundaries.com?

There’s an implied question in all this about my role in it all. You've never asked directly and I haven’t volunteered, but I’ll tell you now. If I got my wish, I would play NO role. I’d give my stepson to his mother, 100% custody, 100% parenting time.
Really? You'd hand over this child to an allegedly unfit, abusive mother? Okay then.


Apparently you can’t imagine the difficulty of life even half-time with a child with multiple physical, cognitive and emotional impairments. During his time in our house his dad is in 24/7 contact with him; there are 3-4 therapeutic visits to juggle weekly; there are episodes when I just need to take my daughter and get out.
No, you're right. I can't imagine the life your husband leads, or that of Mom. Because my child died.

Still feeling all self-righteous and victimized?

I accepted that, and do feel tenderness toward him, but last month’s sexual episode has changed that. To his dad, it’s something horrible - but also the opportunity to get CPS involved and challenge the fitness of the mother, a chance to get primary custody.
Yet you'd be fine letting him live with Mom full time. You need a divorce attorney, and a therapist. Not necessarily in that order.

To me, it’s something horrible, and a potential threat to my daughter.

Whatever was useful to me about writing out some of these issues is overwhelmed by my deep discomfort with the behavior here. Goodbye, and good luck.
I actually felt bad for you, at least a little bit, until this.

Now? That poor child doesn't need to be around you. You think you're a decent person? Then do the decent thing and leave him alone. He has a bad enough deal with his parents; the last thing he needs is you messing him up further.

You're welcome.
 
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