What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? TX
I need advice as to whether or not what I'm asking for is abnormal. My ex-husband and I share custody of our soon-to-be 10 year old daughter. We live 8 hours apart, with him having her during the school year and I have her summers and most holiday breaks.
Up until this year, we've had pretty regular phone calls... Probably 3-5 times per week. She loves talking on the phone, so it hasn't been torturous or anything; we both enjoy it. This year, dad decided to do away with his landline (I don't have a landline either), but now that the only phone is usually in his pocket, my daughter doesn't get the chance to answer it. I don't mind her father answering by any means, but the point is that he doesn't answer on a regular basis. He’s only answering once or twice a week now. If I leave a voicemail then forget it… He only answers if she’s there, and he won’t ask her to call me back. I always got through to my daughter before because she adores answering the phone. At this point, dad's not breaking any rules though; the phone calls haven't ever been in the parenting plan. He calls when she's with me (sometimes), and I call when she's with him (more often—once a day or every other day).
Since the phone calls dropped off and maintaining regular contact with my daughter is important to me, I've begun to write to her regularly. I tried to do e-mails at first, as she knows how to use a computer and has her own e-mail address, but had the same issue as I do with the cell phone: dad's always on it and my daughter isn't allowed to "play" on the computer there very often, even supervised (I do stay in the same room and check on her often when she uses the computer at my house). I write her a letter or send her a card (snail-mail) once or twice a week. Nothing dad would object to at all, usually a little story about how the dog and the cats are doing, dinner with grandma, bumping in to her cousins, sending a few pictures, asking questions about school, etc. Twice a month I send her a $10 bill.
I guess my gripe (and I know that things could be worse) is that she never writes back. Ever. She has stationary, stamps, an easily accessible mail box, and I happen to know that she loves to write. She journals daily and sends notes back and forth with friends. I told her that it would make me so happy if she sent me a short note, just once a month (I wouldn't expect her to match my frequency or length in any way, shape, or form & there is NEVER a hint of sarcasm in my voice--I'm being sincere) because I love keeping a track record of how her penmanship is "growing up" and seeing what she's working on in school.
I know that on the surface this seems petty, but my reasons for being frustrated are more complex. The main reason it frustrates me is that dad tells her, and tells me in front of her, that she doesn't have to. He actually kind of makes a big deal about her NOT doing it, in fact. When I asked her about it, she said "dad told me I wasn't old enough to write back". Mind you, this child has skipped ahead in school and is receiving high marks as a 6th grader. And it's not necessarily that I so crave a little letter (not that it wouldn't be nice), but I think that she should be taught and in the habit of knowing that it is common courtesy to respond to or at least verbally acknowledge a letter, especially if someone is sending you money. I realize that with me being her parent it is different than if a great-auntie mailed her a $25 check for her birthday, but I feel that it is important for dad and me not to be contradicting one another about rules, etiquette, etc.
I am considering asking for a minor modification to our parenting plan, in order to establish what kind of contact and the frequency of contact the “other parent” has, because I think that things have changed a bit since our long distance parenting plan was ordered when she was 5 years old. I hear that webcams are being used more frequently in situations like ours, and I know that kids of younger and younger ages are having cell phones. I’d be happy to provide my daughter with a limited-use cell phone, foot the bill for webcams and faster internet connections at both dad’s house and my own, or pay for his landline and provide a land-based telephone for my daughter’s use in his home (although I don’t know if these suggestion would offend him). I’d like to have something in there about exchanging e-mails, cards or letters, pictures, and samples of her school work every once in a while, too. I guess I’m looking for some guidance as to what is appropriate to expect as far as long distance parenting goes, and what would be in the normal range for me to ask for.
It probably sounds like I’m really harping on the issue, but rest assured, I’ve kept most of it between me, myself, and I while I wrestle with it in my head.
Up to this point, dad and I have had very little conflict when it comes to co-parenting. I suspect that he considers communicating with me a hassle and an intrusion; he doesn’t make near the effort to stay in touch with our daughter while she’s with me as I do when she’s with him. I don’t see his way as wrong; he misses her when she’s away, but just has a different parenting style and is content to catch up with her when she comes home to his home. I just don’t think he realizes how much I miss out on being the “vacation time” parent and not the “school year/extracurricular activities” parent. I do want to be reasonable and rational when I approach him about updating the parenting plan. Suggestions?
I need advice as to whether or not what I'm asking for is abnormal. My ex-husband and I share custody of our soon-to-be 10 year old daughter. We live 8 hours apart, with him having her during the school year and I have her summers and most holiday breaks.
Up until this year, we've had pretty regular phone calls... Probably 3-5 times per week. She loves talking on the phone, so it hasn't been torturous or anything; we both enjoy it. This year, dad decided to do away with his landline (I don't have a landline either), but now that the only phone is usually in his pocket, my daughter doesn't get the chance to answer it. I don't mind her father answering by any means, but the point is that he doesn't answer on a regular basis. He’s only answering once or twice a week now. If I leave a voicemail then forget it… He only answers if she’s there, and he won’t ask her to call me back. I always got through to my daughter before because she adores answering the phone. At this point, dad's not breaking any rules though; the phone calls haven't ever been in the parenting plan. He calls when she's with me (sometimes), and I call when she's with him (more often—once a day or every other day).
Since the phone calls dropped off and maintaining regular contact with my daughter is important to me, I've begun to write to her regularly. I tried to do e-mails at first, as she knows how to use a computer and has her own e-mail address, but had the same issue as I do with the cell phone: dad's always on it and my daughter isn't allowed to "play" on the computer there very often, even supervised (I do stay in the same room and check on her often when she uses the computer at my house). I write her a letter or send her a card (snail-mail) once or twice a week. Nothing dad would object to at all, usually a little story about how the dog and the cats are doing, dinner with grandma, bumping in to her cousins, sending a few pictures, asking questions about school, etc. Twice a month I send her a $10 bill.
I guess my gripe (and I know that things could be worse) is that she never writes back. Ever. She has stationary, stamps, an easily accessible mail box, and I happen to know that she loves to write. She journals daily and sends notes back and forth with friends. I told her that it would make me so happy if she sent me a short note, just once a month (I wouldn't expect her to match my frequency or length in any way, shape, or form & there is NEVER a hint of sarcasm in my voice--I'm being sincere) because I love keeping a track record of how her penmanship is "growing up" and seeing what she's working on in school.
I know that on the surface this seems petty, but my reasons for being frustrated are more complex. The main reason it frustrates me is that dad tells her, and tells me in front of her, that she doesn't have to. He actually kind of makes a big deal about her NOT doing it, in fact. When I asked her about it, she said "dad told me I wasn't old enough to write back". Mind you, this child has skipped ahead in school and is receiving high marks as a 6th grader. And it's not necessarily that I so crave a little letter (not that it wouldn't be nice), but I think that she should be taught and in the habit of knowing that it is common courtesy to respond to or at least verbally acknowledge a letter, especially if someone is sending you money. I realize that with me being her parent it is different than if a great-auntie mailed her a $25 check for her birthday, but I feel that it is important for dad and me not to be contradicting one another about rules, etiquette, etc.
I am considering asking for a minor modification to our parenting plan, in order to establish what kind of contact and the frequency of contact the “other parent” has, because I think that things have changed a bit since our long distance parenting plan was ordered when she was 5 years old. I hear that webcams are being used more frequently in situations like ours, and I know that kids of younger and younger ages are having cell phones. I’d be happy to provide my daughter with a limited-use cell phone, foot the bill for webcams and faster internet connections at both dad’s house and my own, or pay for his landline and provide a land-based telephone for my daughter’s use in his home (although I don’t know if these suggestion would offend him). I’d like to have something in there about exchanging e-mails, cards or letters, pictures, and samples of her school work every once in a while, too. I guess I’m looking for some guidance as to what is appropriate to expect as far as long distance parenting goes, and what would be in the normal range for me to ask for.
It probably sounds like I’m really harping on the issue, but rest assured, I’ve kept most of it between me, myself, and I while I wrestle with it in my head.
Up to this point, dad and I have had very little conflict when it comes to co-parenting. I suspect that he considers communicating with me a hassle and an intrusion; he doesn’t make near the effort to stay in touch with our daughter while she’s with me as I do when she’s with him. I don’t see his way as wrong; he misses her when she’s away, but just has a different parenting style and is content to catch up with her when she comes home to his home. I just don’t think he realizes how much I miss out on being the “vacation time” parent and not the “school year/extracurricular activities” parent. I do want to be reasonable and rational when I approach him about updating the parenting plan. Suggestions?
