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Long... questions about a move away

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sbaldwin

Member
What is the name of your state? TX
I am writing with some questions for a friend. He was newly married and had a 6 month old baby when he got papers saying that he was being taken to court for paternity of another 6 month old baby from a girl that he had a 1 night stand with just before he met his wife. She had previously taken her ex boyfriend to court over the matter and it was proven that he was NOT the father… this only left my friend. He is in fact the father, and has been in her life for the past 6 and a half years. The mother and custodial parent of the child decided over the summer to move to Chicago and take their daughter. He immediately went to an attorney to try to have the move stopped. The judge let her go temporarily until they go to court in Feb. They had mediation yesterday and nothing was resolved. They each pay half of the airfare for the 1 visit he receives with his daughter each month. Before, he had hr every other weekend. In order for her to come for these visits each month, she has to miss a day and a half of school and the father also has to miss almost 2 full days of work. (the judge ordered that visitation take place from Thursday-Sunday.) She already does terrible in school and in fact had to be held back in kindergarten this year.

My friend was told be the mediator that because he does not have joint managing conservatorship of the child, it is very unlikely that a restriction will be put in place to have her move back, or even state that she has to stay in the surrounding area she is in now, or the surrounding areas of her previous home. She will pretty much be free to move the child as many times and as far as she wishes. She also said that because of my friends past it is unlikely that he will be able to get Joint conservatorship. ( he received a deferred sentence for indecency with a child for having conssential (SP?) sex with a 16 year old girl who lied about her age and was in a bar that you had to be 18 to get in to when he was 20, 9 years ago.)

He feels that he is at a dead end and has already spent tons on attorneys fees since his beautiful daughter was brought into his life. He now is out $500 a month in order for him to see his child in addition to his child support. He called this morning and asked me when I felt that enough was enough and it would be time to give up all together on having any relationship with his daughter. I told him in my opinion… NEVER! This is putting a strain financially on his family (wife and 2 children), and he just feels that this can’t continue. His wife is super supportive and tells him not to give up but to keep fighting, she loves this little girl. His attorney told him if he wants to continue on to court in Feb. it will cost another $3000. I told him he has to do it! His attorney feels that he will be able to get the restriction in place preventing her from moving anywhere except back home even though the mediator said it is unlikely.

Should he go ahead to court, and is there ever a time to say enough? What are the chances that he will have any success? Does anyone know any advice or encouraging words that I can offer to this couple, my family’s dearest and closest friends? I know this was long… thanks to all who are still reading!
 


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hexeliebe

Guest
Should he go ahead to court, and is there ever a time to say enough?
I would tell your friend the same thing I tell everyone. The time to stop trying to have a relationship with your child is the day they pry your cold dead hands from theirs.

If your friend's attorney feels they can win in court regarding the restriction then go for it. Of course your friend can always put a price tag on his child. If $3,000 is too much then there's the answer.

The only other advice I would offer is to listen to his attorney.
 

sbaldwin

Member
That's the way I feel also and I've told him all the same things... it's just been a long 6 year battle over EVERYTHING little and big, and it's taking a toll on him emotionally. Thanks so much!!!!
 
O

oneandonly

Guest
hijacking~

to say HI! Havent seen ya over in sparc in awhile either~
 

sbaldwin

Member
Well, the cp finally paid what she owed so we dismissed the case and with only the gentle mention of court these days, she pays within 21 days and we're happy with that! (court order says 10 days) I've got 2 year old twin boys that don't allow me much free time these days. :) It's nap time now.......so I'm FREE!! Good to "talk" to you again!
 
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Boxcarbill

Guest
(1) She is going to not going to be ordered to return.

(2) There is absolutely no realistic chance that a convicted sexual offender of a child is going to get custody. (I don't want to argue about the fine nuances of deferred adjudication but suffice it to say that for custodial purposes, deferred adjudication is a conviction.)

(3) Chicago, ILL is a long way from Texas and I don't see the court restricting her to ILL unless the judge just wants to throw your friend a bone. In other words, such a restriction would be substantively meaningless in view of the great distance already granted.

(4) Your friend knows what he wants to do. So the child doing poorly school; his missing two days of work (which is not required, incidentally); his emotional pain; other obligations to wife and children and all that other is rationalization for doing what he wants to do. This rationalization is packaged as justification and excuse in order to obtain absolution. Those who love him, will grant him absolution. He and his friends and family cannot realistically expect the world to grant him absolution. And he, his wife, his mother, his friends and/or all the King's horses and all the King's men cajoling, rationalizing, brow-beating those who do not approve will gain him their absolution.
 

sbaldwin

Member
BCB

Is there pretty much no reason he should continue on to court if he is going to get nothing out of it? Are you saying that he has made up his mind already to stop the fight? That's what I think has happened, but his wife is pushing him to continue. It appears to me that he is just looking for 1 person to say... "give up, it's not worth it" to justify his decision. THANKS as always!
 
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Boxcarbill

Guest
Re: BCB

sbaldwin said:
Is there pretty much no reason he should continue on to court if he is going to get nothing out of it?


My response:

To get nothing out of it, his visitations would have to be denied. If his view is that he gets nothing if he fails to get her ordered to return to Texas, then he is going to get nothing.

Having her ordered not to leave Chicago unless she returns to Texas will not solve any of his alleged problems: the cost of seeing the daughter; her missing school; his electing to take off work during the visitation; the girl's poor grades; the strain on his family, etc..

I never tell a client what they should do. I can tell them the risks, benefits and costs. But at the end of the day, I go back to my office and then home. They must live with the consequences of their decision. What one person can live with or cannot live with is different for someone else. It is his decision.

__________________________________________________

Are you saying that he has made up his mind already to stop the fight?

My response: Yes.

__________________________________________________

That's what I think has happened, but his wife is pushing him to continue. It appears to me that he is just looking for 1 person to say... "give up, it's not worth it" to justify his decision. THANKS as always!

My response:

He wants absolution from the wife and from you and from others who may hear about it. He doesn't want to be thought of as "a bad citizen who is no longer welcome in this particular neighborhood." (Sorry, I stole that from Kurt Vonnegut Jr. who said that is how reading the critics' opinion of "Slapstick" made him feel. He went on to say that he thought, "I'll show them. I won't write anymore.") Your friend as made a cost/benefit analysis and he has decided that the costs exceed the benefits.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
I have to agree with Bill that your friend has likely already made his decision and is simply looking for validation. But I hope he realizes that this could well affect how his wife views him - it wouldn't surprise me to find out that she has trouble reconciling the father of her children with a man who would walk away from his child.
 

ktarra617

Member
well I know that when we were fighting our case to stop my stepchild from being moved we were told by our attorney that is does depend on the judges opinion of move-aways. We had to file to move the case since the child and CP lived in a new county and our attorney was just thrilled because one of the judges in that county was known to order restrictions on residency of children. He's not to great to reverse custody from mom to dad but he WILL stop a mom from moving the child away.

We lost the custody end of the case but we WON the residency restriction. My stepchild cannot be taken out of the county.

I am not an attorney, I am basing my opinion on what was told to me by our attorney....
 
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Boxcarbill

Guest
Ktarra, your situation is very different from this one. Here, the judge had the opportunity to stop the move and didn't. He is not going to allow the move across the United States but the change his mind in February and order her back. It just isn't going to happen--not in this world. Fact of the matter is that your success in preventing a custodial parent from moving is truely the exception. It is rarely granted. Count yourself among the rare to win on this issue.
 

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