MANY questions re: joint/50-50 custody/rights

[angelzpanik]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Indiana

APOLOGIZING IN ADVANCE FOR THE LENGTH OF THIS!!! I've browsed these forums here and there, just never joined and posted before.

My XH (exhusband) and i have joint/50-50 custody of our son. This was set up just over a year ago when we finalized our divorce.

At the time of finalization, i had just gotten out of a mental health hospital (Iwent in by choice) and was still trying to find the correct drug combination to level me out. (i'm bi-polar type 2). I had had our son full time since our separation (2 years, starting when our son was 2 months old), but during this time, i was a bit unstable. (honestly i believe a LOT of my disorder has to do with how the ex treated me over the years but tha'ts beside the point...) So i signed over primary custody to the ex, and there was something written into the court order stating that when i was able to take our son half time as stated in the documents that i could start exercising that right. I still saw our son frequently just didn't take him for extended stays. It took a long time for me to feel emotionally stable enough to start taking my 3yo for the time i'm legally allowed. Part of this was due to circumstances with the ex, part of it due to the disorder itsself. That's a whole other story i'm not going to get into. About 5 months or so ago, i started exercising my visitation rights. No support order is in place btw.

What is written in the court order is that we are to have every other week visitation. However, since i have started exercising my rights, we have done more of a 3/4 layout. Basically, i get our son every Sunday afternoon nad have him til either Wed or Thurs afternoon. Wed/Thurs alternates every week. This way we both have him the same amount of time every week, and neither is away from our son for an extended period of time.

It works fo rthe most part. While i'm not ALWAYS there at the exact time and sometimes ahve had to postpone or change days due to surrounding circumstances, i have still stayed steady and gotten our son as much as i'm able to, pretty much every single week for most if not all the time i'm supposed to have him. I'm not perfect but i'm working on all this. And i always give my ex notice, i've never been a no call no show.

He of course throws these things in my face everytime he has a problem with anything.

We recently started using MSN/Windows Live messenger for the majority of our conversations regarding our son, and i keep it archived just in case.

Over the past month or so, i've had some major changes going on, i moved, quit smoking, etc. Anyway, i asked the ex about simply switching visitation days. At first he seemed cool about it, then he started having an attitude. He said he'd be okay with the change, IF and only if i dropped my 4th overnight i get every two weeks. I immediately figured he was up to something and didn't want to lose time with my son so i told him taht was unacceptable. I gave him another option: going by the court order. He said no way and proceeded to tell me that we'd just keep visitation the same, threatened to take me back to court, etc etc. I told him i'd pick our son up at 4pm TODAY. This was a week ago, and all through messenger.

Then he told me he'd no longer talk to me on messenger. He has since also told me he'd not talk to me via email either, and if i wanted things in writing i'd have to submit it through the courts. I of course said this was unfeasible, as it wouldn't be quick enough for immediate matters such as visitation schedules and other matters with our son.

I called him today, prior to getting our son, becuase i had a nasty cold come on about 2 days ago, i'm still unsure on whether it's a flu or not, but with a fever i was goign to get my ex's opinion on whether i should still get our son before doing so.

I attempted to call twice, with no answer, then got a call back. He said he was giving our son a shower when i called, and that they were getting ready to go to his sister's house for her daughter's birthday. I was like, uhm, why are you planning on leaving right before i'm supposed to get our son? He got monotone and stated i never gave him a time, tha the has our conversation archived, etc and i never gave him a time. I stated over and over this wasn't true, that i HAD given him a time and i could also check my archives to make sure. He hung up on me.

I double checked my archives, sure enough i had given him a day AND time for pickup, a week ago. I called back. I informed him of this, and informed him taht he had officially made me late getting there by having to double check this information. He continued to state that they wouldn't be there when i got there and hungup again.

My aunt (whom i live with) took me to his house.

Ex answered the door a few minutes after i'd knocked. (i'd knocked twice, could SEE my son in the window, trying to open the door fo rme, and could see my ex in the kitchen ignoring me). I told him i was there to get our son. HE stated i would not be doing so, that i was 5 minutes late, and that i'd need to call the cops. I told him teh cops wouldn't do anything, that this wasn't fair to our son. He went off about how i couldn't go by the court order i had to go by the status quo and that he didn't have to release our son to me since i was 5 minutes late picking him up. (for the record, when i pulled up, the car clock said i was 1 minute late). I told him no change had even BEEN made yet, and to please not do this to our son(he was stanidng there watching). He said i could have him if he could pick him up from me on THursday this week. I said fine, i didn't care, i jsut wanted my time with my son.

He had a witness there. It didn't dawn on me til way later that that is why there was some guy there (one of his friends i'm assuming), but i think it was so he'd have a witness to whatever was said.

ANYWAY i wouldn't have gone into such detail had i not thought most of it was relevant. Here are my questions:

Do i go by what we've BEEN doing for visitations or do i go by what the COURT ORDER says at this point?

With him having a witness to me saying he could get him on Thursday, do i HAVE to abide by that now instead of attempting to go by the court order and keep my son til saturday?

He has the title of primary, what exactly does that mean?? Does he have more rights than i do or what?

I got into an argument earlier with someone, they said that with my ex having primary, he could, with a police escort, show up at my door at ANY time during my visitation, and demand i hand my son over and get away with it. Is this for real?

I really need to know what rights i have or don't have in this situation. I want to keep things amicable regardless of our past and anger towards each other, yet he seems to want to use our son as a pawn, to keep control over me and the situation.

HELP!!!! What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[Ohiogal]

YOu go by the court order. I can understand why your ex is fed up with you quite frankly. You seem to believe you get to decide when, if and how long you see your child. Look at what you have stated:

What is written in the court order is that we are to have every other week visitation. However, since i have started exercising my rights, we have done more of a 3/4 layout. Basically, i get our son every Sunday afternoon nad have him til either Wed or Thurs afternoon. Wed/Thurs alternates every week. This way we both have him the same amount of time every week, and neither is away from our son for an extended period of time.

It works fo rthe most part. While i'm not ALWAYS there at the exact time and sometimes ahve had to postpone or change days due to surrounding circumstances, i have still stayed steady and gotten our son as much as i'm able to, pretty much every single week for most if not all the time i'm supposed to have him. I'm not perfect but i'm working on all this. And i always give my ex notice, i've never been a no call no show.

Its time for you to grow up. You are NOT being responsible and you are treating your child as an inconvenience. You show up when it is good for you. Surrounding circumstances? What does that mean? When your friends don't want to party? When there is not a BOGO sale at the mall? You are flaky and flighty. You are not dependable. You change plans as though it is not a big deal. This is YOUR SON. You need to be responsible and not decide that if something better comes along that you don't have to see him. That is not being a parent. Dad could -- and most likely should -- take you back to court and get your time limited to a few days a week since you are not able to be reliable, dependable and parent. He could also ask that you no longer have joint custody due to the fact that you are not exercising joint custody. YOU are responsible for the child during the time outlined in the court order. Which means YOU arrange child care, you deal with the child completely on your week. You don't slack which you have been doing.

 

[gr8rn]

You should follow the court order to a T. Don't cancel or show up late. If you have 50/50 be glad for this. Parents don't have the luxury of nursing a cold without the kids around. Most of us take care of our kids with colds and flus and all kinds of horrible illnesses. It does not stop us from being parents. Just keep that in mind and stop making excuses. Don't deviate from the court order. Have some respect for the father for picking up your slack.

 

[angelzpanik]

Actually the 3/4 visitation schedule is something XH insisted on. Everything that has to do with our son, my ex makes it clear (though he has no right to) that i have no say in anything. So even though i've not had much say in visitation, i've been forced to abide by something he chose. And yes it's forced me to not always be there when i'm supposed to be. I'm not perfect nor do i claim to be and i beat myself up enough about this, without needing someone else berating me for it.

I'm also going to add, that the reason i've not always gotten him when i was supposed to is due to not having a car or license and therefor having to rely on others in order to GET my son from XH. XH will not help whatsoever. So yes, i DID WHAT I COULD, like i said. I don't party or go shopping or allthe other juvenile things you ASSUMED was going on.

Ohiogal, next time don't be so quick to judge someone when you're only getting part of the story. I was being honest but didn't go into detail.

 

[angelzpanik]

For the record, i wil not respect a father who uses his child as a pawn, as he's been known to do and is doing in this circumstance.

As far as my illness goes, this wasn't about me nursing my cold, it was about whether to EXPOSE my 3yo, to a flu, which could easily be H1N1. I could care less how i feel when i have my son, i ws more concerned about him being in the high risk age group.

The status quo has been in place about 5 or 6 months i think. Again, not something i chose. I wanted to go by the court order from the get, simply so that nothing could be misread or twisted, etc. But everytime i put my foot down with ANYTHING i get threatened to go to court, threatened CPS on me, etc. While i know i've not done anything wrong, i also can't afford to go to court and would rather not have CPS involved. So in order to see my son, without being dragged to court, i agreed to what XH wanted to do for visitation.

So the question remains, do i go with what's been the status quo or do i insist on going by the written court order?

 

[angelzpanik]

Ack, sorry, it's the other question that still remains - WHat exactly does primary mean in a joint/50-50 custody arrangement?

 

[4children]

For the record, i wil not respect a father who uses his child as a pawn, as he's been known to do and is doing in this circumstance.

As far as my illness goes, this wasn't about me nursing my cold, it was about whether to EXPOSE my 3yo, to a flu, which could easily be H1N1. I could care less how i feel when i have my son, i ws more concerned about him being in the high risk age group.

The status quo has been in place about 5 or 6 months i think. Again, not something i chose. I wanted to go by the court order from the get, simply so that nothing could be misread or twisted, etc. But everytime i put my foot down with ANYTHING i get threatened to go to court, threatened CPS on me, etc. While i know i've not done anything wrong, i also can't afford to go to court and would rather not have CPS involved. So in order to see my son, without being dragged to court, i agreed to what XH wanted to do for visitation.

So the question remains, do i go with what's been the status quo or do i insist on going by the written court order?

angelzpanik,

Ohiogal and gr8rn have already answered that question. (Follow your Court Order). You stated - I wanted to go by the court order from the get, simply so that nothing could be misread or twisted, etc. And, also if you feel Dad is using son as a Pawn, do what you are required to do as a parent, and not worry about Dad. Follow the Court Order and it will make your life easier in the long run. (I'm talking from experience) Put your child first.

The response from Ohiogal (was a legal response). This is how a Judge will see it, by what you stated. If Dad really wanted to be controlling, he does have the ammunition to take you to Court. (Documentation, is a parent best friend) Dad maybe doing this. Again, follow the Court Order and spend more time with your child. That way you can learn to let Dads threats role off your back.

As far as your question about the Primary caregiver, someone will come along later to explain it better than I can.

 

[Ohiogal]

Actually the 3/4 visitation schedule is something XH insisted on. Everything that has to do with our son, my ex makes it clear (though he has no right to) that i have no say in anything.

Bull. There is a court order. YOu didn't have to agree. You could have kept your child for the week as per your time and if dad interfered you could have filed a motion to show cause. you agreed.

So even though i've not had much say in visitation, i've been forced to abide by something he chose. And yes it's forced me to not always be there when i'm supposed to be. I'm not perfect nor do i claim to be and i beat myself up enough about this, without needing someone else berating me for it.

The court is NOT going to reward you with extra when you dont' exercise the time you have now consistently.

I'm also going to add, that the reason i've not always gotten him when i was supposed to is due to not having a car or license and therefor having to rely on others in order to GET my son from XH. XH will not help whatsoever. So yes, i DID WHAT I COULD, like i said. I don't party or go shopping or allthe other juvenile things you ASSUMED was going on.

So why don't you have a license? Why don't you take the bus? There are lots of options -- taxi anyone? If you want to see your child then YOU do what it takes to do so. Flaking out is NOT a smart thing and will hurt your case.

Ohiogal, next time don't be so quick to judge someone when you're only getting part of the story. I was being honest but didn't go into detail. .

Oh and by the way YOU are responsible for your own situation. It is no one's fault but yours that you were unstable and needed committed. It is no one's fault but yours that you have not enforced your fault.

 

[Ohiogal]

For the record, i wil not respect a father who uses his child as a pawn, as he's been known to do and is doing in this circumstance.

And I will not respect a mother who decides she is inconvenienced to get her child.

As far as my illness goes, this wasn't about me nursing my cold, it was about whether to EXPOSE my 3yo, to a flu, which could easily be H1N1. I could care less how i feel when i have my son, i ws more concerned about him being in the high risk age group.

And that explains ONCE.

The status quo has been in place about 5 or 6 months i think. Again, not something i chose. I wanted to go by the court order from the get, simply so that nothing could be misread or twisted, etc. But everytime i put my foot down with ANYTHING i get threatened to go to court, threatened CPS on me, etc.

really? Threatened CPS on YOU? And you fell for it. Your ignorance is NOT an excuse. You could have enforced your rights.

While i know i've not done anything wrong, i also can't afford to go to court and would rather not have CPS involved. So in order to see my son, without being dragged to court, i agreed to what XH wanted to do for visitation.

Then YOU AGREED and then you backed up, showed up late, had to reschedule and basically wanted to do things only when it was convenient to you.

So the question remains, do i go with what's been the status quo or do i insist on going by the written court order?

YOu don't even have status quo because of you missing times, rescheduling, other circumstances intervening and blah blah blah. You need to be responsible. If you want to go by the court order then you quit agreeing to anything else (he apparently has) and you go by the court order. End of story. Start taking responsibility.

 

[Ohiogal]

Ack, sorry, it's the other question that still remains - WHat exactly does primary mean in a joint/50-50 custody arrangement?

Primary means the child goes to school from HIS address and other minor things like that. hey and try to be an adult and not curse because your feelings are hurt by the truth.