marraige in trouble

[marknspar]

in florida...my marriage of 24 yrs has gone downhill for the last 10 yrs..no sex, no communication, no common interests..seems to be a business marriage...wife has repeatedly declined co-therapy and has always refused to admit she is wrong..i've never had a problem saying i'm sorry or to admitting that i screwed up. 11 yr old child necessitates staying together as we both want the best for her. recently my wife began making unilateral decisions about my daughter, always saying yes and making me out to be the bad guy when it comes to discipline. this is driving me nuts. i believe my daughter will see what my wife is doing soon.
is there a form of separation that would allow either of us to date new persons..very descreetly..while maintaining a homefront for 7 more years? i know this won't help the unilateral decisions but two parents are better than one and i could use some companionship.

[Edited by marknspar on 04-07-2001 at 09:14 AM]

 

[Nee]

As a family law attorney for 18 years, I totally disagree with your contention that having 2 parents is better than 1 if the parents have either become total strangers,are not able to communicate and argue all the time. I can assure you that the longtime strained relationship between you and your spouse has already had serious effects upon your 11-year-old. Children do not like strife and arguing between parents because it is scary and an ongoing threat to their need to feel secure and safe in their own home. Without your even saying one unpleasant word to your spouse, your child senses the tension in the air and is unhappy about it.Sure, people used to stay together in a dead marriage (such as yours) "for the sake of the children." By the time the children reach 18 (as you have already calculated) and, perhaps, the parents decide now it is OK to split, it is simply too late to salvage the hidden emotional damage already done to these children. Research tells us that the old-fashioned "stay for the sake of the children" is now totally unacceptabel. Now, a house of conflict must be broken up, with the children separating from the duo of fighting or non-communicating parents and developing an individual and loving, strife-free relationship with EACH parent in that parent's own separate home setting. Incidentally, the only "children of divorce" who do suffer the so-called " bad effects" are those where there is no meaningful and ongoing contact with the non-custodial parent.This usually occurs when either the custodial parent uses the children as pawns to get back at the ex-spouse (bitterness) and thwarts visits whenever possible, or the non-custodial parent either gives up fighting to see the children or simply is too lazy to make the effort required in meeting visitation schedules, etc.That being said, to answer your direct question about "discreet" agreements to see others,since such would still be regarded as the crime of adultery, the agreement would be considered void as a matter of law.

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

My response:

While I agree with the vast majority of my collegue Renee's explanation and discussion with our writer, I cannot agree with her statement that there is a "crime of adultery" in Florida. Florida no longer recognizes "adultery" as a crime; and, as a matter of fact, has repealed all of it's "heartbalm" statutes. As a further matter of fact, "adultery" isn't even a "ground" for dissolution (divorce). Florida is a "No-Fault" divorce State.

"Dissolution of marriage" is now the legal term for ending a marriage in Florida. A dissolution of marriage is the legal act of terminating a marriage through a court action.

The purpose of the Florida Dissolution of Marriage Statute is to promote the amicable settlement of disputes that arise between the parties to a marriage and to lessen the potential harm to the spouses and their children caused by the process of the legal dissolution of marriage.

Under Florida law, a dissolution of marriage will not be determined on the basis of the fault of one or both of the parties. There are only two grounds for the dissolution of marriage -- 1) the marriage is irretrievably broken, or 2) one of the parties is mentally incompetent.

The ground for the dissolution based on the incompetence of one of the parties is rarely used. It cannot be used unless the party alleged to be incompetent has been held by a judge to have been incompetent for a period of at least three years.

The more usual reason used to obtain a dissolution is that the marriage has proved to be irretrievably broken. Irretrievably broken means the parties have differences or disputes that cannot be settled, and they must be so serious that they have caused the total and complete breakdown of the marriage.

There are two ways of obtaining a dissolution of marriage in Florida -- 1) Regular Dissolution of Marriage, and 2) Simplified Dissolution of Marriage.

In order to file any petition for dissolution of marriage, one of the parties to the marriage must have lived in Florida for six months before filing the petition. This requirement prevents people from out of state from coming to Florida for the sole purpose of using the courts here to dissolve a marriage.

The regular dissolution process begins with a "Petition" for dissolution of marriage, filed with the court by the husband or wife, which states the reason for the divorce and sets out what the person wants from the marriage. The person who first files the petition is called the petitioner. The other partner, called the respondent, files an "Answer," which includes the matters on which they agree or disagree within the initial petition. The person filing an Answer should be aware that there are time limitations to respond to the Petition. An answer must be filed within 20 days from the time it is received. One copy is sent to the Petitioner. The original answer is sent to the court. If you have received papers, you must not delay in seeking assistance.

Many issues can be determined in the dissolution action: child custody, visitation, parental responsibility, child support, alimony, distribution of assets and debts, and who will pay the attorney's fees. Each party must file a financial affidavit. Other financial documents are required unless both parties agree not to file them.

Some couples agree on property settlements, child custody and other post-divorce arrangements before or soon after the original petition is filed. In those cases, a divorce can become final in a shorter period of time.

Couples who work out their differences, can appear before a judge for a final hearing with a suggested settlement. This can be done by preparing a written settlement agreement and filing it with the court or by going through mediation and reaching an agreement.

Mediation is a procedure to assist you and your spouse in working out an arrangement for reaching agreement without a long, drawn out process. Its purpose is not to save a marriage, but to help divorcing couples reach a solution to their problems and arrive at agreeable terms for handling their marriage dissolution. Many counties have mediation procedures available.

Finally, if a couple cannot reach a settlement, the couple may be required to appear before a judge or general master to resolve these matters. If the issues remain unresolved, the couple will go to trial--with each side presenting its case. At this trial, both sides must present their witnesses and submit any proof or evidence to the judge to support their case or to challenge the other sides case. The judge makes the final decision on such contested issues.

The dissolution process is designed to make the divorce as fair as possible to both husband and wife. This usually means negotiation and compromise by both partners. In some jurisdictions the couple and their children must attend classes to help them deal with the divorce.

Often, the termination of a marriage involves complex questions of law and court procedure which may permanently affect your property and personal rights. You should seek the assistance of an attorney who is experienced in these matters in order to be certain that these rights are not lost.

If you believe you need legal advice, call your attorney. If you do not have an attorney, call The Florida Bar Lawyer Referral Service at 1-800-342-8011, or the local lawyer referral service or legal aid office listed in the yellow pages of your telephone book.

Good luck to you.

IAAL