What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Texas
My ex-husband & I share custody of our 10 y.o. daughter. It's a long distance arrangement, he has her during the school year and I have her summers, school breaks, & alternating holidays. The problem involves my mom. She has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). She’s 53, and still married to my dad, w/whom she has 7 children (the youngest is a still a minor). Without going into great detail, Mom sometimes has delusional thinking, cuts herself, burns herself, and overdoses on pills. Most days go by w/out incident, but due to her erratic behavior, her doctors, my dad, my ex & I all agree that she can't do any babysitting or be left alone w/my daughter (she has no desire to babysit, but she does want relationships w/her grandkids, & doesn’t seem to understand why they aren’t comfortable hugging her or sitting on her lap).
There are always several adults present when Mom is around any grandkids for a few reasons, one of them being that last year she suspected my daughter of "casting spells and curses on her", and asked her why she “hated her own Nana” and “wanted her Nana to die”. Obviously, my daughter was very upset by this incident. We adults who were there were completely caught off guard, but that’s been the first and only occurrence of Mom including a grandchild in her antics—prior to that, we hadn’t realized how far-reaching her illness could be. We’ve since received help from a child therapist to be able to explain and discuss mental illness with my daughter at an age-appropriate level. The adults in our immediate family have also received therapy to be educated in dealing w/a loved one suffering from BPD.
Mom was admitted to the hospital yesterday after a suicide attempt; her 3rd this year and 7th in 3 years. She was given the charcoal treatment used to neutralize certain overdoses, and will be held for 72 hours. Unfortunately, it’s common for people w/BPD to make repeated false or half-hearted suicide attempts. Unlike someone dealing w/extreme depression, frequent self-harm by someone w/BPD isn’t considered a cry for help as much as it is seen as an attention-seeking ploy or guilt trip. At home, Mom spends most of her time (approx. 22-23 hrs/day) in her bedroom w/the door locked. She has a computer, TV, & bathroom in there; the only things bringing her out are the facts that she doesn’t have a mini refrigerator & microwave in there, and that her doc doesn’t make house calls.
My parents live just 1.5 miles from me, on a spacious and beautiful estate. They have an indoor pool & jacuzzi, as well as a home theatre & horses to ride (according to my daughter, an enchanted forest, too). When my daughter is here, we frequently meet up w/my sisters & their kids to spend time over there. It’s the home we grew up in and we don’t just barge in; we come by invitation from my dad & brother who live there, & don’t go when they aren’t home. Anytime Dad suspects things could go awry, he phones to say Mom is having a rough day & it wouldn’t be appropriate to come over. When we do go, we only stay for a few hours (though we could probably spend all day there w/out ever catching sight of Mom). If she were regularly up & about, if she were the only one living there, or if I were taking my daughter someplace she didn’t enjoy, it would be different. But my daughter begs & pleads to go there, and never wants to leave when it’s time.
I’m scheduled to have her come Friday night through the next week’s Sunday—a 10-day visit, b/c her school lets out the entire week of Thanksgiving to conduct parent-teacher conferences M-W. My ex would like to cancel the visit in light of Mom’s suicide attempt. I’m ok w/compromising to satisfy his concern, but here’s the kicker: I proceeded to arrange different activities for my daughter to substitute for spending time at my folks’ place (except for a few hours at their Thanksgiving dinner), but today my ex turned it around on me and said that this visit won’t be satisfying or healthy for our daughter, as spending ample time at my parent’s house w/her cousins has become part her regular activities here, and not doing the “normal things” will be disruptive to her routine & sense of security/stability that have been established during my parenting time. So basically, I can’t take her over there and I can’t NOT take her over there, so therefore I can’t have her at all.
I told him that such reasoning was hogwash, b/c it wasn’t any different than if my folks up & sold their home to spend their retirement years wandering the world, and their home was no longer accessible to us… something like that would alter her routine here too, & the court would NEVER let it factor into my right to have visitation! Now it seems has got a new strategy, and he’s arguing that I should give up this visit in exchange for an extra week at Christmas, when my mom “is stabilized and healthier”. If this illness were anything like exposing my daughter to the flu I would agree, but there is no guarantee -or even likelihood- that my mom will be more stable next month than she is today, and giving up this time (even though it would be replaced) would mean going 4 months between our last visit and the next. I should add that him trying to cancel visitation inst unique to this situation. He ALWAYS has a hard to time committing to specific dates for visits and exchanges, and it’s always the day or two before that he baulks. I can confirm and re-confirm all I want, but something always seems to come up at the last minute resulting in a change of plans. How can I get him to send her, and does he have a valid reason not to? I know it’s a sticky situation, but I don’t think it’s fair that my daughter can’t come with me to a gathering held at her grandparent’s house to visit her 10 cousins, 6 aunts/uncles/spouses, or her grandpa because my mom is also there. I know he blames me for “allowing” the 1st incident between my mom and our daughter to happen, but I am totally on point now, and wouldn’t let it happen again. To be clear, had my mom laid so much as her little finger on her (and she did not), I wouldn’t expect my daughter to be in her presence ever again.
My ex-husband & I share custody of our 10 y.o. daughter. It's a long distance arrangement, he has her during the school year and I have her summers, school breaks, & alternating holidays. The problem involves my mom. She has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). She’s 53, and still married to my dad, w/whom she has 7 children (the youngest is a still a minor). Without going into great detail, Mom sometimes has delusional thinking, cuts herself, burns herself, and overdoses on pills. Most days go by w/out incident, but due to her erratic behavior, her doctors, my dad, my ex & I all agree that she can't do any babysitting or be left alone w/my daughter (she has no desire to babysit, but she does want relationships w/her grandkids, & doesn’t seem to understand why they aren’t comfortable hugging her or sitting on her lap).
There are always several adults present when Mom is around any grandkids for a few reasons, one of them being that last year she suspected my daughter of "casting spells and curses on her", and asked her why she “hated her own Nana” and “wanted her Nana to die”. Obviously, my daughter was very upset by this incident. We adults who were there were completely caught off guard, but that’s been the first and only occurrence of Mom including a grandchild in her antics—prior to that, we hadn’t realized how far-reaching her illness could be. We’ve since received help from a child therapist to be able to explain and discuss mental illness with my daughter at an age-appropriate level. The adults in our immediate family have also received therapy to be educated in dealing w/a loved one suffering from BPD.
Mom was admitted to the hospital yesterday after a suicide attempt; her 3rd this year and 7th in 3 years. She was given the charcoal treatment used to neutralize certain overdoses, and will be held for 72 hours. Unfortunately, it’s common for people w/BPD to make repeated false or half-hearted suicide attempts. Unlike someone dealing w/extreme depression, frequent self-harm by someone w/BPD isn’t considered a cry for help as much as it is seen as an attention-seeking ploy or guilt trip. At home, Mom spends most of her time (approx. 22-23 hrs/day) in her bedroom w/the door locked. She has a computer, TV, & bathroom in there; the only things bringing her out are the facts that she doesn’t have a mini refrigerator & microwave in there, and that her doc doesn’t make house calls.
My parents live just 1.5 miles from me, on a spacious and beautiful estate. They have an indoor pool & jacuzzi, as well as a home theatre & horses to ride (according to my daughter, an enchanted forest, too). When my daughter is here, we frequently meet up w/my sisters & their kids to spend time over there. It’s the home we grew up in and we don’t just barge in; we come by invitation from my dad & brother who live there, & don’t go when they aren’t home. Anytime Dad suspects things could go awry, he phones to say Mom is having a rough day & it wouldn’t be appropriate to come over. When we do go, we only stay for a few hours (though we could probably spend all day there w/out ever catching sight of Mom). If she were regularly up & about, if she were the only one living there, or if I were taking my daughter someplace she didn’t enjoy, it would be different. But my daughter begs & pleads to go there, and never wants to leave when it’s time.
I’m scheduled to have her come Friday night through the next week’s Sunday—a 10-day visit, b/c her school lets out the entire week of Thanksgiving to conduct parent-teacher conferences M-W. My ex would like to cancel the visit in light of Mom’s suicide attempt. I’m ok w/compromising to satisfy his concern, but here’s the kicker: I proceeded to arrange different activities for my daughter to substitute for spending time at my folks’ place (except for a few hours at their Thanksgiving dinner), but today my ex turned it around on me and said that this visit won’t be satisfying or healthy for our daughter, as spending ample time at my parent’s house w/her cousins has become part her regular activities here, and not doing the “normal things” will be disruptive to her routine & sense of security/stability that have been established during my parenting time. So basically, I can’t take her over there and I can’t NOT take her over there, so therefore I can’t have her at all.
I told him that such reasoning was hogwash, b/c it wasn’t any different than if my folks up & sold their home to spend their retirement years wandering the world, and their home was no longer accessible to us… something like that would alter her routine here too, & the court would NEVER let it factor into my right to have visitation! Now it seems has got a new strategy, and he’s arguing that I should give up this visit in exchange for an extra week at Christmas, when my mom “is stabilized and healthier”. If this illness were anything like exposing my daughter to the flu I would agree, but there is no guarantee -or even likelihood- that my mom will be more stable next month than she is today, and giving up this time (even though it would be replaced) would mean going 4 months between our last visit and the next. I should add that him trying to cancel visitation inst unique to this situation. He ALWAYS has a hard to time committing to specific dates for visits and exchanges, and it’s always the day or two before that he baulks. I can confirm and re-confirm all I want, but something always seems to come up at the last minute resulting in a change of plans. How can I get him to send her, and does he have a valid reason not to? I know it’s a sticky situation, but I don’t think it’s fair that my daughter can’t come with me to a gathering held at her grandparent’s house to visit her 10 cousins, 6 aunts/uncles/spouses, or her grandpa because my mom is also there. I know he blames me for “allowing” the 1st incident between my mom and our daughter to happen, but I am totally on point now, and wouldn’t let it happen again. To be clear, had my mom laid so much as her little finger on her (and she did not), I wouldn’t expect my daughter to be in her presence ever again.
