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Mediation Expectations

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kik1999

Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Ohio

My ex-husband and I have not had any changes to our original parenting plan since our divorce, in 2001. The current order states that I have sole legal and physical custody of our daughter (age 9). He was given EOW from Fri-Sun and mid-week visitation from 5-8pm. Over the course of the last 5 years or so, we have gradually and mutually agreed upon increasing the visitation, to near 50/50. He lives relatively close to us now, and there is NO reason in the world why our daughter shouldn't spend as much time with him, as she does with me. He is a good dad and while we have had our differences in the past, for the most part, we've put aside our differences for our daughter's best interest. Both my ex-husband and I are re-married. He has one step child and 2 biological children with his wife. My current husband has custody of his daughter, who lives with me, my hubby and my (our) daughter. For the most part, we all get along.

In the past, we've maintained the school schedule throughout the summer, as well. We've always been pretty flexible with sharing time, trading visitation times if needed, etc. I asked him in April, what his plans were for summer visitation, as I was changing dd's child care provider from a daycare, to a home sitter, just for the summer. I sent several emails, with no response from him (when he did acknowledge my emails, he agreed to wherever I wanted to send her for the summer, as he trusts my judgement). I signed a contract with a new sitter for full time summer care, and all was well. About mid-June, he decided that he wanted more visitation with our dd in the summer, and asked to switch to every other two week schedule. I explained that I would be more than willing to have that schedule, but I had signed up for summer care, and would still be responsible for paying the sitter, regardless if dd was with him or not (we were 3 weeks into summer, as dd got out of school in May, when he brought this issue up). This caused a disagreement b/t him and I, so I suggested that we attend mediation to work out a new parenting plan, and to update our current parenting plan to reflect the "true" schedule as it is currently.

We have mediation this coming week. We both realize that whatever summer schedule we agree upon, will not go into effect until next summer. We really don't have any issues to "hash" out, except for the summer visitation schedule. Will the mediator bring suggestions to the table in addition to our suggestions? Or are we supposed to come up with everything on our own? Also, after our mediation, should I expect to hire an attorney to write up the new visitation plan or will this automatically be filed based on what is agreed upon in mediation?

Basically, I just want to know what to expect during and after mediation. Should I be bringing up every aspect of visitation? Only the issues we disagree? Just want to make sure I have all my ducks in a row. I definitely don't want to waste anyone's time (mine, his or the mediator's!). Thanks so much.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
 


LdiJ

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Ohio

My ex-husband and I have not had any changes to our original parenting plan since our divorce, in 2001. The current order states that I have sole legal and physical custody of our daughter (age 9). He was given EOW from Fri-Sun and mid-week visitation from 5-8pm. Over the course of the last 5 years or so, we have gradually and mutually agreed upon increasing the visitation, to near 50/50. He lives relatively close to us now, and there is NO reason in the world why our daughter shouldn't spend as much time with him, as she does with me. He is a good dad and while we have had our differences in the past, for the most part, we've put aside our differences for our daughter's best interest. Both my ex-husband and I are re-married. He has one step child and 2 biological children with his wife. My current husband has custody of his daughter, who lives with me, my hubby and my (our) daughter. For the most part, we all get along.

In the past, we've maintained the school schedule throughout the summer, as well. We've always been pretty flexible with sharing time, trading visitation times if needed, etc. I asked him in April, what his plans were for summer visitation, as I was changing dd's child care provider from a daycare, to a home sitter, just for the summer. I sent several emails, with no response from him (when he did acknowledge my emails, he agreed to wherever I wanted to send her for the summer, as he trusts my judgement). I signed a contract with a new sitter for full time summer care, and all was well. About mid-June, he decided that he wanted more visitation with our dd in the summer, and asked to switch to every other two week schedule. I explained that I would be more than willing to have that schedule, but I had signed up for summer care, and would still be responsible for paying the sitter, regardless if dd was with him or not (we were 3 weeks into summer, as dd got out of school in May, when he brought this issue up). This caused a disagreement b/t him and I, so I suggested that we attend mediation to work out a new parenting plan, and to update our current parenting plan to reflect the "true" schedule as it is currently.

We have mediation this coming week. We both realize that whatever summer schedule we agree upon, will not go into effect until next summer. We really don't have any issues to "hash" out, except for the summer visitation schedule. Will the mediator bring suggestions to the table in addition to our suggestions? Or are we supposed to come up with everything on our own? Also, after our mediation, should I expect to hire an attorney to write up the new visitation plan or will this automatically be filed based on what is agreed upon in mediation?

Basically, I just want to know what to expect during and after mediation. Should I be bringing up every aspect of visitation? Only the issues we disagree? Just want to make sure I have all my ducks in a row. I definitely don't want to waste anyone's time (mine, his or the mediator's!). Thanks so much.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
Since you are apparently operating on a schedule that is different than what was court ordered, you need to bring up everything, so that it can be incorporated in the agreement that is sent to the judge.

It might be helpful to type up the schedule, (don't forget to include holidays) and take it with you. It may save time and aggravation.
 

kik1999

Member
Since you are apparently operating on a schedule that is different than what was court ordered, you need to bring up everything, so that it can be incorporated in the agreement that is sent to the judge.

It might be helpful to type up the schedule, (don't forget to include holidays) and take it with you. It may save time and aggravation.
Thanks LdiJ. We've been splitting holidays so that we both get to spend time with her, and depending on what plans we each have, we try to be flexible. I guess I'll type out some schedule so that if we eventually HAVE to revert to the parenting plan, we can both live with it. Also, you said that the agreement will be sent to a judge? Do they automatically send the agreement to become order, or should I have an attorney do this for us?

I know it kind of sounds stupid that we're even going to mediation, but in the past when tempers have flared, we've both threatened to go by our current court order - which does not reflect the true parenting time. I want to make sure if we ever have to go by an order, it's one we both can live with, and more importantly, one that we both agree to.
 
Don't feel stupid at all about going to mediation! It's there exactly for your situation...to stop the tempers from flaring and come to an agreeable solution. You're definitely doing the right thing :)

Also, I just wanted to comment that it's so nice that the two of you have been putting your daughter first and have been working together to give her plenty of time with each parent. That's great! I wish more exes would do the same!

Mediation should work very well in your situation. I agree with LdiJ, you should definitely type up your proposed, complete parenting plan, which addresses everything. Since you two have deviated so much from the original order, it's best to get it ALL changed at once.

And remember, the more you two work together in mediation, the less expensive it is. My ex & I had tried to do our own parenting plan pro se because we get along so well. But we had issues with a few things and couldn't keep the tempers in check. Having the mediator there, knowing we were on the clock (tick $$ tock $$), kept us focused. And the mediator guided the interaction so we didn't stray into any arguments. We ended up with a parenting plan we were both happy with and, more importantly, one that gives our son maximum time with each parent.

Good luck and please come back and let us know how it went.
 
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kik1999

Member
Don't feel stupid at all about going to mediation! It's there exactly for your situation...to stop the tempers from flaring and come to an agreeable solution. You're definitely doing the right thing :)

Also, I just wanted to comment that it's so nice that the two of you have been putting your daughter first and have been working together to give her plenty of time with each parent. That's great! I wish more exes would do the same!

Mediation should work very well in your situation. I agree with LdiJ, you should definitely type up your proposed, complete parenting plan, which addresses everything. Since you two have deviated so much from the original order, it's best to get it ALL changed at once.

And remember, the more you two work together in mediation, the less expensive it is. My ex & I had tried to do our own parenting plan pro se because we get along so well. But we had issues with a few things and couldn't keep the tempers in check. Having the mediator there, knowing we were on the clock (tick $$ tock $$), kept us focused. And the mediator guided the interaction so we didn't stray into any arguments. We ended up with a parenting plan we were both happy with and, more importantly, one that gives our son maximum time with each parent.

Good luck and please come back and let us know how it went.
Thank you for the info. I don't think my ex is going to come as prepared as I am, so I'm hoping this will show that I am serious and genuine about getting this new order in place. I'm actually the one that requested mediation. I'm hoping that maybe the mediator will have a few ideas as well, as to what might work for summer visitation. I don't mind doing one or two weeks on/off schedule, although, I must admit...it's a BIT more difficult to find child care for a kid who only needs it every other or every two weeks (in the summer). Ex has the very nice option of having his in-laws watch her for free and before anyone jumps on me and says that I should just let her go with his in-laws ALL summer, I do have another child to worry about with summer care too (since my sd lives with us full time too)! It's also a little challenging to schedule or enroll her in any activities when she's gone for a block of time, and is the reason we've decided to only keep this schedule for the summer, as opposed to the entire school year. We also think it's important for us both to be involved as much as possible on a daily basis during school. But of course, summers are MUCH more flexible. I might have agreed to this schedule for this summer, had I not already signed a contract for the full time summer care.

My ex and I have a FAR from perfect co-parenting relationship. I have to admit, I have felt extremely "bullied" in the past when I didn't give in to his requests. Which is also another motive for us to go to mediation. I'm a little tired of being bullied. I try to keep the peace as much as possible, but it's not always paradise. ;) I just have to keep telling myself, in the GRAND scheme of things, it doesn't really matter that she missed this or that due to being with her father. I'm hoping that at the end of the day, our dd will realize that she was much more important than ourneeds or wants. So far, it seems to be working out pretty well!! She loves us both, in addition to our respective families, and the more people that love her, the better IMO. :)
 

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