Mediation questions. Unreliable ex.

[ndbifgm]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? WI

Our daughter is 10 years old and father has never had court ordered visitation or custody. He would call when he felt like it and if there werent any plans, she would go. (We were never married. Child support is ordered, paternity has been established.)

He wont stick to anything and doesnt follow through with plans or show up on time and sometimes not at all. Daughter is old enough now that she knows this and doesnt even want to make plans with him. She realizes he doesnt show up or makes her wait around for hours and hours. He will call last minute and demand she come with him. He bribes her to come with him with the greatest sounding plans ever, or wants her to feel guilty if she has other plans.

I recently got mediation papers in the mail. Im just wondering, how can I ensure that daughter and I wont have to wait around every other weekend wondering if he will show up? That doesnt seem to be in her best interest at all. Is there anything I can say or ask for that stipulates anything to prevent that?

She has slept at his house maybe 3 times in the past few years, can I suggest that we start out slow for her sake, like every other Saturday rather than sleeping over? She doesnt want to go with him at all at this point, he has let her down so much.

Is there anywhere I can find a good plan or written down ideas for the best visitation for her?

ThanksWhat is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? WI

Our daughter is 10 years old and father has never had court ordered visitation or custody. He would call when he felt like it and if there werent any plans, she would go. (We were never married. Child support is ordered, paternity has been established.)

Okay so she knows her father.

He wont stick to anything and doesnt follow through with plans or show up on time and sometimes not at all.

What plans?

Daughter is old enough now that she knows this and doesnt even want to make plans with him.

The child should NEVER be the one making the plans. Nor should she know of any plans with dad.

She realizes he doesnt show up or makes her wait around for hours and hours. He will call last minute and demand she come with him. He bribes her to come with him with the greatest sounding plans ever, or wants her to feel guilty if she has other plans.

With a court order she won't have other plans.

I recently got mediation papers in the mail. Im just wondering, how can I ensure that daughter and I wont have to wait around every other weekend wondering if he will show up?

You can suggest that dad must give 48 hours notice or he will not exercise his time which is on a specific schedule. You can suggest that dad is responsible for taking the child to her school extracurricular activities that happen to fall on his time. You can suggest that is he is 30 minutes late he forfeits his time.

That doesnt seem to be in her best interest at all. Is there anything I can say or ask for that stipulates anything to prevent that?

see my suggestions at all. And actually what it sounds like is that it is not in YOUR best interest. She should never know that her father is coming to get her or wants to come get her. That is something that she should not have known. Nor should she know what the court orders state when they do exist.

She has slept at his house maybe 3 times in the past few years, can I suggest that we start out slow for her sake, like every other Saturday rather than sleeping over? She doesnt want to go with him at all at this point, he has let her down so much.

You have aided in her being let down so now you want to punish dad? She knows him so why shouldn't he get weekend overnights? have any of her friends let her down? How long has she known them before having sleep overs?

Is there anywhere I can find a good plan or written down ideas for the best visitation for her?

You can try delta-bravo.net. There may or may not be a dash in that.

Thanks

Welcome.

 

[LdiJ]

Okay so she knows her father.


What plans?


The child should NEVER be the one making the plans. Nor should she know of any plans with dad.


With a court order she won't have other plans.

You can suggest that dad must give 48 hours notice or he will not exercise his time which is on a specific schedule. You can suggest that dad is responsible for taking the child to her school extracurricular activities that happen to fall on his time. You can suggest that is he is 30 minutes late he forfeits his time.


see my suggestions at all. And actually what it sounds like is that it is not in YOUR best interest. She should never know that her father is coming to get her or wants to come get her. That is something that she should not have known. Nor should she know what the court orders state when they do exist.


You have aided in her being let down so now you want to punish dad? She knows him so why shouldn't he get weekend overnights? have any of her friends let her down? How long has she known them before having sleep overs?



You can try delta-bravo.net. There may or may not be a dash in that.


Welcome.

I will disagree slightly with one emphasis in your post. There does come a time, age-wise, where its really not possible to keep plans "unknown" to children.

If a child is over about age 8, its more than a little difficult to keep them from knowing that there are plans. This child is 10, and I doubt that I could have avoided my daughter knowing about plans at that age.

In fact, at that age children know what their normal schedule is, what day of the week it is, and know if the ncp is supposed to be there and isn't.

 

[ecmst12]

I have to agree that the idea that the child shouldn't know what days or weekends are dad's time is pretty absurd sounding. She is old enough to have friends that she might want to make plans with on the weekends, knowing which parent she needs to ask permission from is reasonable. And having a fixed, stable schedule that she knows she can depend on will be comforting.

 

[gr8rn]

I agree a child should not be "surprised" with a visit at the last minute. It makes no sense for her not to know when her visit is and unreasonable that the father should be allowed to show up or not show up according to his whims. With Dad's history of not showing up, the child would understandably have some anxiety related to these visits and she should not have to be in the dark about when or if there is a visit coming up.

 

[Hisbabygirl77]

My kids may have known what days they spent with their dad but they never knew that it was court ordered. There was no reason for them to ever know that. It was just stated that such and such a day are daddy's days. He didn't show the majority of the time and it was explained that daddy thought it was good for kids to be with mommy on those days he missed so we got to spend more time together. Isnt that great kids! They were perfectly happy with those answers.

 

[maryjo]

It probably depends on the child. My son was 7 when his father and I got divorced. He wasnt given details of anything but he knew we were getting divorced and he would go see his father on certain weekends. But we pretty much set up an every other weekend schedule from the time we seperated so it wasnt a big issue.

However, once dad's girlfriend started making it known how much she hates our son...and dad not seeming to care....our son decided he didnt want to go. Knowing full well he HAD to go I had to drive him there crying the whole way. When he kept asking, repeatedly, WHY I was FORCING him to go he found out that it was court ordered and I didnt have a choice. That he could deal with better than mean mom making him go spend the weekend with a woman who hates him.

Because it became such an emotional issue for him I had to start reminding him a few days in advance that it was his dad's weekend coming up so he had time to adjust and get used to the idea.

Whats really sad is that our son loves his father and spending time with him. Its just the girlfriend. And dad cant let her go because then he would have no place to live.

PLUS: I think if you have a dependable parent who ALWAYS takes the days they are supposed to then the child(ren) will just get into it being a habit and its not so much an issue. But parents like my ex might go months without seeing their child and then the child gets used to that. There are weekend birthday parties, holiday activities, sports, family plans etc. that I think it only fair to the children that they understand they might miss because they have to go to their other parent's house that weekend. My ex didnt take our son for about 5 months this year. Then when he wanted his child support lowered and I refused to sign his paperwork until I saw something legal he said he would see me in court. It was THEN that he decided he would start taking his weekends again. Which lasted another 5 months. Right up until mediation. After that, I think he has taken one weekend.

I also think it helps if both parents live in the same city. Then its more feasble that the children WONT have to miss their classmates birthday parties or sports or whatever. My ex lives almost an hour away. There is no way his dad will bring him back for anything on his weekends.

I think its just respect for the children that they are allowed to know what is going on in their lives. I know some people dont think children deserve that kind of thing but I do. I work in a field where respect, rights and choices are a BIG deal and its stressed that EVERYONE deserves these things. I know children dont get to choose when they see the NCP parent but I think they have the right to know what is on the schedule for them.

That all being said, no matter what, I make sure our son is prepared to go to his dad's until I hear otherwise from dad.

 

[Ohiogal]

yet in this case there is NO COURT ORDERS FOR VISITATION and there was no reason for the child to know that she might, could possibly, maybe, slim chance of seeing daddy this weekend, in two weeks or whenever. In that type of situation (this situation) it doesn't make sense to say dad is coming to get you tomorrow or next week or in three hours until dad actually showed up. Mom could have handled that a lot differently and the child should not be involved with making plans with dad at this juncture.

 

[ndbifgm]

Thanks

I like the 48 hr notice thing. Thank you.

Something I just noticed. On the mediation paperwork, I am named as the Petitioner and father is named as the Respondent. I didnt file for this, why wouldnt he be the Petitioner if he filed? Just curious.

 

[Ohiogal]

I like the 48 hr notice thing. Thank you.

Something I just noticed. On the mediation paperwork, I am named as the Petitioner and father is named as the Respondent. I didnt file for this, why wouldnt he be the Petitioner if he filed? Just curious.

Were you the petitioner in the child support case? Did that go to court?

 

[ndbifgm]

Were you the petitioner in the child support case? Did that go to court?

The child support folks got in touch with him, he brought me papers and I signed them for the child support. We never physically went to court. I was kind of wondering if thats what it was. Is it considered like one court case or something like that?

 

[Ohiogal]

The child support folks got in touch with him, he brought me papers and I signed them for the child support. We never physically went to court. I was kind of wondering if thats what it was. Is it considered like one court case or something like that?

It could have been considered part of the child support case -- a modification of that case. If you petitioned for child support then you were the petitioner.