Medical Information

[zddoodah]

i think in most cases, a boyfriend/girlfriend probably knows more about the wishes of their significant other

my musing was more about how maybe the default rules should be changed, to more mirror reality

To mirror reality or to mirror your perception of things? You wrote that you "think in most cases" that this would be true. What is your thinking based on? Do methodologically sound surveys exist on this?

 

[quincy]

i realize that doctors need to follow rules. but i think in most cases, a boyfriend/girlfriend probably knows more about the wishes of their significant other, than a sibling would

Then if you want your love interest to make medical decisions for you prepare a healthcare power of attorney giving the person that authority.

I agree with Taxing Matters. If a relationship is a serious one - and not all, or maybe even most, boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are - a power of attorney can be prepared to cover medical decisions should one or the other become incapacitated.

I fear that in some cases, close family members might try to challenge such a directive.

 

[Taxing Matters]

my musing was more about how maybe the default rules should be changed, to more mirror reality

The reality that I see is that most boyfriend/girlfriend relationships aren't far enough along yet that one would presume that they would know best what their love interest really wants in the way of life saving care, etc. That's a discussion that waits until well into the relationship, after marriage often, and sometimes not even then. Because there can be a whole range of such relationships, from the many casual romantic relationships to the less common really committed ones, it would be near impossible to draw a rule of law that would sort out which ones should count for medical decisions and which shouldn't. That's why the law looks to marriage and medical powers of attorney to sort that out. Those provide the kind of certainty that you cannot get with some nonlegal relationship like boyfriend and girlfriend that could mean a whole lot of different things.

 

[TrustUser]

hi quincy,
of course we should all have health care directives. but the reality is that most people do not. and so how do we deal with that, when someone is in emergency care in the hospital ?

hi tm,
i never said it would be easy. and i dont know that i have an answer. like i said, it was a musing. in the particular case that was brought up, the girlfriend was the one that drove her boyfriend to the hospital. not a family member. that tells me something.
and yes, some bf/gf relationships are young and perhaps not well developed. but just how many people talk about that sort of topic with their siblings ? or with their parents, even ?
i think family members are more apt to know how they would feel if they were in that situation, and react in that fashion.
i did not know what my parents wanted, until i helped them with documents. and i was actually surprised to find out their choices, regarding what they did and did not want. i dont know what any of my siblings want. but i was able to encourage them to get trusts, etc. so i think they currently do have directives.
i dont have an exact answer for you, but i think in many cases, a bf/gf does know more about what the other wants, than a family member does. and at least in many cases, is knowledgeable enough that their opinion means something, and should be considered.
now obviously i am not talking about a couple of teenagers who live with their parents. or a couple who has been dating for a month. or the couple who hooked up in a bar last week. and i totally agree with you that it would be difficult to put some legalese around it. but that does not mean that we should not think about it, and see if we can come up with something better than we currently have.

 

[TrustUser]

The reality that I see is that most boyfriend/girlfriend relationships aren't far enough along yet that one would presume that they would know best what their love interest really wants in the way of life saving care, etc. That's a discussion that waits until well into the relationship, after marriage often, and sometimes not even then. Because there can be a whole range of such relationships, from the many casual romantic relationships to the less common really committed ones, it would be near impossible to draw a rule of law that would sort out which ones should count for medical decisions and which shouldn't. That's why the law looks to marriage and medical powers of attorney to sort that out. Those provide the kind of certainty that you cannot get with some nonlegal relationship like boyfriend and girlfriend that could mean a whole lot of different things.

hi tm, in re-reading your post, i totally agree that a marriage or a directive is WAY BETTER than a bf/gf or a family member. i was referring to situations in which they do not have a spouse, and do not have a directive. and who is more apt to know more about their desires - a bf/gf or a family member. i do not think the answer is always the family member BY A LONG WAYS

 

[Taxing Matters]

now obviously i am not talking about a couple of teenagers who live with their parents. or a couple who has been dating for a month. or the couple who hooked up in a bar last week. and i totally agree with you that it would be difficult to put some legalese around it.

That's the problem, though. There is no way to really sort out whether, say, Alan's girlfriend is the one who really knows best what he wants. Is she someone close enough that he's confided in her what he wants and relies on her? Or is she a more casual love interest? It could be either one and there is no neat formula to sort out the whole range of love relationships that exist out there. There is an infinite spectrum of relationships out there from people who just met a minute ago to people who are very nearly married and everything between. Where would you draw the line? The best way to know is for Alan to designate his girlfriend as the one he wants to deal with this stuff with a durable medical power of attorney. And that's an option Alan has available to him today. Or he can marry his girlfriend, in which case by default she's the one who gets to make those decisions. There are a number of advantages to marriage, after all, over just shaking up, including legal benefits like this.

 

[TrustUser]

i dont disagree with you. if i had a good plan to tell, i would have given it to ya. the example given was by someone who was driven to the hospital by a girlfriend. the doctors immediately wanted a family member, any family member. as if somehow the family member was infinitely better about knowing what the patient wanted. so there was no spouse and no directive. in many cases, the gf knows more, and should be heard. if this is a casual relationship, the significant other is not usually even gonna want to be a part of the decision making. but if and when they come on strong, that is pretty clear evidence that there is a depth to the relationship, and that he/she should be listened to. i have nothing more to add to the discussion, so i bow out at this point.