Mistreatment by Monroe County PA Domestic Relations -- multiple times

[danleeper80]

What is the name of your state? North Carolina support is still in my former state of Pennsylvania (initiated via UIFSA in New Jersey where son lives with his Paternal Grandmother)

First things first: I am NOT attempting to 'get out of' paying child support. I DO WANT a FAIR order which has not been given / afforded to me. I am being placed in a situation unable to pay for the necessities for myself, Biological Daughter that lives with me and my disabled spouse. My situation also prevents me from hiring an attorney although that may 'help' it is not an option if that's your solution please spend your time on another person's situation to respect your and my time.

Background: I was formally diagnosed with Level 1 Autism a few years back. I have been through modifications / DeNovo Hearings, etc with Domestic Relations in 2 different counties in Pennsylvania however now the case is being worked by Monroe County. I am working on transferring to my (new) home state of North Carolina (been living in NC nearly 3 years in November) but in the meanwhile, a modification was completed earlier this month in PA and I have filed for a DeNovo hearing due to several errors being made (ie no deviations for insurance, no deviation for another child that I have custody of, mandatory 401k, etc) on the 'new' order. Last time I participated in a DeNovo in 2021 despite filing for an ADA accommodation with supporting documentation from my Doctor and Therapist my request to have my wife ie "support person" present and able to speak in the event I experience a meltdown and/or inability to speak for myself. I was verbally and emotionally abused by the employees conducting the hearing such as laughing, condensing remarks, getting cussed at with the F bomb, pigeonholing me as a 'deadbeat dad' which resulted in exactly in what I wanted to prevent. My wife came on camera to help me however they cut her off speaking and terminated the Zoom video conference within a 30 seconds of her standing her ground, refusing and reiterating she was granted permission to speak by me pointing out there was an ADA filing to the effect. I received my order in the mail a week later and had another meltdown in a highly busy dangerous area of interstate while alone pulled over on the shoulder and exited my car I was inches from ending my life. I was able to compose myself and made it home safely to my wife and Daughter. When I disclosed this my family called the PA State Police and had my phone pinged and they arrived at where I was staying, given the choice of an ambulance or coming with the trooper, I elected to go with the trooper I was placed in handcuffs and taken to the hospital. I was released the following morning due in part to my therapist and doctor giving input that I had a meltdown and did not intend to harm myself or others. After this incident, the Plaintiff (my Mother/ Son's Paternal Grandmother) felt bad for me an forgave the arrears and agreed to a reasonable amount of support ($500) as Paternal Grandmother was receiving support from both me and my son's mother and was satisfied with what was being received in support. Fast forward to today a custody order was created in New Jersey and my son's mother was absolved of child support in lieu of paying ~$100 for braces directly to the orthodontist bypassing the child support system completely. Another modification was filed against me and my support was raised to a very unreasonable amount with nearly $1k in arrears. My son's mother was also calculated at a higher amount (a few hundred dollars more than what she is paying to the orthodontist) as well however, because an agreement that was subsequently ordered by the court she pays that lower amount to the orthodontist while I take on an order that is 60% higher than what I was previously paying plus $100 towards arrears for the next 7-8 months. Prior to this decision being made I made an offer to have the difference that my ex wasn't paying towards the braces from my HSA account and I would have a HSA debit card issued directly to my mother / son's paternal grandmother. She balked at that and refused to take that solution and went through with modification where we are today. Some additional details: I pay for all the insurance (medical, dental, vision) for my son (since birth) as well as I have a Daughter (age 5) with my current spouse that is also autistic that I need to pay for services as well. My Daughter had a recent dental exam and needs extensive dental work that I've had quotes from $2000-$4000 that I was saving for prior to the support being raised that I cannot continue to save for anymore. My wife is also on expensive medications for Narcolepsy that have a high price tag and I also have outstanding medical bills for myself after COVID developing a severe case of sleep apnea which has a monthly cost attached to it. My insurance is good however it's a High Deductible $13,500 plan which is common these days. Those are side issues, my main issue is I do not / cannot go through being abused as I was the last time and I want a FAIR order based on all the circumstances going on. I do plan to file for an ADA accommodation again however I am afraid this will not be enough for Domestic Relations to provide me with a fair hearing. I got a date for the DeNovo hearing which is several months out from now. I am cutting back on spending where I can and made a new budget however ends aren't going to meet and by the time the DeNovo comes I am afraid I will be in jeopardy of being evicted and having Internet, water and electricity turned off from the rental myself and family live in just to put food on the table. I filed upon the advice of a PA Family Law attorney a "Motion to stay" however no hearing has been scheduled and I have no acknowledgement of the filing despite filing the same time as the DeNovo and motion for change of venue to North Carolina.

HELP!

......Afraid in NC

 

[AlmostThere]

OP - Please break this down into paragraphs. Provide more facts, how much do you earn, how much does mom earn? What is the support order? What does custody look like? Why does your son live with his paternal grandparent? Are you paying support for your son?

Do I understand that you want Mom to reimburse you for your Daughter's braces with post-tax dollars, and then you pay the orthodontist through your HSA pre-tax dollars?

The fact that your wife has medical issues is irrelevant. Your daughter and the obligation to support her comes first.

 

[stealth2]

The way the law sees it, your first obligation is to your first child (first support order). Also, AFAIK, all states calculate CS based on gross. This is to prevent the paying parent from loading up on deductions to reduce support payments.

Your mother is allowed to file for support from both of you, one of you, or neither of you. She is also allowed to come to separate agreements with either of you, as the guardian of the child you two created. She likely has reasons for being more flexible with Mom than with you (her child). I won’t burden you with my guess as to her reasons.

 

[Eekamouse]

Why were you being called a deadbeat dad? Are you? It kind of sounds like it, going by what you've written. Why don't you have custody of your son? Do you have visitation with him? It doesn't sound like your relationship with your mother, the boy's guardian, is very good and why is that? If your wife is disabled, how can she be your representative in court filings that do not involve her? What's her disability and is it keeping her from working to provide for her daughter? Your autism is level 1 so it's not that debilitating. Plenty of people function quite well despite it. Why do you think you're being treated so unfairly by the courts?

 

[danleeper80]

I pretty much just has a brain dump last night but I'll try to do my best to be concise this time around.

OP - Please break this down into paragraphs. Provide more facts, how much do you earn? According to the calculation worksheet says $4230 but this is incorrect I earn (gross before deductions, insurance, 401k etc) $3430 per my contract with my employer. I have that document handy.

how much does mom earn? According to the calculation worksheet $1858 but I have no way of proving/disproving that income. Last I knew she was in retail sales

What is the support order? Was $500 / month now $870 + $100 arrears

What does custody look like? Primary custody to Grandparents with final decision making. I have visitation any time I'd like but don't (too much drama) therefore I moved to North Carolina nearly 3 years ago. Mother has 3 to 4 weekends a month depending on how many weeks in the month

Why does your son live with his paternal grandparent? Long story had CPS involvement due to health concerns that biological mother was creating she was diagnosed with Munchausen by proxy which backfired on her and despite all the resource I could pull together I couldn't handle my Son's medical issues and my Daughter which was a small toddler at the time.

Are you paying support for your son? Yes, over 10 years to PACSES (PA's Support collection) my son is 16 been paying since separation at age 3 first to Mother than after the CPS incident to Grandparents.

Do I understand that you want Mom to reimburse you for your Daughter's braces with post-tax dollars, and then you pay the orthodontist through your HSA pre-tax dollars? The proposal was to use the HSA to pay the orthodontist directly with pre-tax dollars and not modify support.

The fact that your wife has medical issues is irrelevant. Your daughter and the obligation to support her comes first. Thank you I totally agree both children deserve equal support. I did acknowledge that my Wife is a side issue however, my own health does take some priority I am starting to have failing health myself overweight due to depression, high blood pressure, diabetes, my autism symptoms interfering more with day to day life. I am seeing a therapist, having my medications managed and participated in DBT through UNC Chapel Hill for a year before 'graduating'.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Why were you being called a deadbeat dad? Are you? Not at all I've always paid support in full, and on-time, I do not have an issue paying support and recognize the importance. When I did not have a 2nd child up until 5 years ago (that I have custody of) and re-married it was difficult but budgeting for 3 including myself is a challenge living paycheck to paycheck now with this new order I'm going in the red already as they ran to my employer as fast as I can say the word and pulled the new amount despite being in dispute. I am likely going to have the Autism provider discontinue services for my Daughter because I am in a position where it isn't possible to afford that care on top of housing, electric, water, rent. The last conference in 2021 I used OBS and Active Presenter on my laptop and saved the entire conference offsite cloud storage location outside the United States obviously, I cannot do anything with it legally due to archaic laws in Pennsylvania, but I do have concrete proof of what was said & done but it's useless. I'm slating to cancel that account which will permanently delete my evidence shortly.

It kind of sounds like it, going by what you've written. Why don't you have custody of your son? Refer above but it was an agreement to satisfy CPS between Paternal grandparents (my mom/dad), Mother and Myself

Do you have visitation with him? It doesn't sound like your relationship with your mother, the boy's guardian, is very good and why is that? My relationship with my mother since placing me on support and using it as a 'carrot' to scare/intimidate me has driven me away hence why I moved away and any contact I restrict to e-mail.

If your wife is disabled, how can she be your representative in court filings that do not involve her? What's her disability and is it keeping her from working to provide for her daughter? My wife has Narcolepsy a sleep/wakefulness disorder the Movie Deuce Bigalow exaggerated the condition but imagine being up for several days & perpetually tired...Social Security Disability has classified her she is "unable to obtain, maintain substantial, gainful employment" according to their and her doctors. We work together to ensure our Daughter is taken care of and her needs are met. However, this new support order for my Son is jeopardizing my Daughter's need for financial support for her medical needs ie Autism services, extensive Dental work. diapers, etc.

Your autism is level 1 so it's not that debilitating. Plenty of people function quite well despite it. Why do you think you're being treated so unfairly by the courts? Level 1 is defined as needing supports and that is definitely me in situations such as court. They have failed to recognize despite ADA filings that I need help in this kind of stressful situation as well as their conduct escalated and caused multiple meltdowns one of which as I described put me in grave danger of losing my life having a meltdown on the shoulder of i80 during heavy traffics partly that's my fault I shouldn't of opened that piece of mail while driving but I digress. They have a duty to ensure I can participate safely inside and outside their facility instead they treated me as someone who is having a temper tantrum rather an emotional meltdown. My meltdowns get scary inside/outside my body/brain my Therapist best described it as "Lizard brain" like I said in my initial post I was not under any type of logical control and outside the safety of my car on a busy highway and in no way realizing my surroundings were extremely dangerous if myself or another driver going 70mph crossed paths. Domestic Relations can't have a payer of any amount of Child Support if I'm dead because of my inability to recognize the surroundings or another driver hit me point blank.

 

[AlmostThere]

There is a lot to unpack here.

I pretty much just has a brain dump last night but I'll try to do my best to be concise this time around.

OP - Please break this down into paragraphs. Provide more facts, how much do you earn? According to the calculation worksheet says $4230 but this is incorrect I earn (gross before deductions, insurance, 401k etc) $3430 per my contract with my employer. I have that document handy.

how much does mom earn? According to the calculation worksheet $1858 but I have no way of proving/disproving that income. Last I knew she was in retail sales

Your contract is not what you earn. Your paychecks and tax returns show what you earn.

One has to assume that the court asked for proof of earnings. Paystubs, tax returns and so on for your and the mother of your child(ren).

What is the support order? Was $500 / month now $870 + $100 arrears

Is this for both children or for one?

What does custody look like? Primary custody to Grandparents with final decision making. I have visitation any time I'd like but don't (too much drama) therefore I moved to North Carolina nearly 3 years ago. Mother has 3 to 4 weekends a month depending on how many weeks in the month

Why does your son live with his paternal grandparent? Long story had CPS involvement due to health concerns that biological mother was creating she was diagnosed with Munchausen by proxy which backfired on her and despite all the resource I could pull together I couldn't handle my Son's medical issues and my Daughter which was a small toddler at the time.

I feel bad for your son - that you chose to avoid discomfort with a situation over a relationship with him and essentially abandoned him.

Are you paying support for your son? Yes, over 10 years to PACSES (PA's Support collection) my son is 16 been paying since separation at age 3 first to Mother than after the CPS incident to Grandparents.

Good.

Do I understand that you want Mom to reimburse you for your Daughter's braces with post-tax dollars, and then you pay the orthodontist through your HSA pre-tax dollars? The proposal was to use the HSA to pay the orthodontist directly with pre-tax dollars and not modify support.

Who made that proposal? I that part of your child support order, or just something you want.

The fact that your wife has medical issues is irrelevant. Your daughter and the obligation to support her comes first. Thank you I totally agree both children deserve equal support. I did acknowledge that my Wife is a side issue however, my own health does take some priority I am starting to have failing health myself overweight due to depression, high blood pressure, diabetes, my autism symptoms interfering more with day to day life. I am seeing a therapist, having my medications managed and participated in DBT through UNC Chapel Hill for a year before 'graduating'.

Your child's support comes first. Get your life under control. Lose weight. Continue counseling. All parents have problems, and we are obligated to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and provide for our children. That is just the way it is.

Why were you being called a deadbeat dad? Are you? Not at all I've always paid support in full, and on-time, I do not have an issue paying support and recognize the importance. When I did not have a 2nd child up until 5 years ago (that I have custody of) and re-married it was difficult but budgeting for 3 including myself is a challenge living paycheck to paycheck now with this new order I'm going in the red already as they ran to my employer as fast as I can say the word and pulled the new amount despite being in dispute. I am likely going to have the Autism provider discontinue services for my Daughter because I am in a position where it isn't possible to afford that care on top of housing, electric, water, rent. The last conference in 2021 I used OBS and Active Presenter on my laptop and saved the entire conference offsite cloud storage location outside the United States obviously, I cannot do anything with it legally due to archaic laws in Pennsylvania, but I do have concrete proof of what was said & done but it's useless. I'm slating to cancel that account which will permanently delete my evidence shortly.

Is your second child with the same mother as the first, who lost custody due to Munchausen by proxy? If you are struggling to support your first child financially and emotionally, why did you have a second child?

 

[commentator]

I honestly feel that, more than 99% of the people who receive this advice here that you say you absolutely do not want, you, your unique self, with your unique set of problems and issues, desperately need legal representation in the court system.

THAT is the accomodation that the court is perfectly willing for you to make. You do not speak the same language as the court. You believe that you do, but you do not. You are failing miserably to communicate with them when you go into the situation. Due to your condition, you are a bit blind to this fact.

There will be no redress for your unfair treatment, no justice for having been treated unfairly, no accomodation for your problems except to obtain legal representation and use them to communicate with the courts for you. Anything else is just a losing proposition.

I believe what you are telling us. This is a complicated ball of wax, and has been complicated further by repeated court filings and diagnoses, and many frustrations. You tell us yourself that your autism makes it very hard for you to communicate in court. You do realize this. The breakdown is that you believe this is going to change, or that you can overcome it. But seriously, what would they do to make accomodations for you, in the most perfect of situations, except give you a lawyer? Which, due to your income, you probably do not qualify to get free.

You think you are making your situation PERFECTLY clear to everyone. You think, truly believe that what you say is making sense, and that if you just present the facts clearly enough, it will be intuitively obvious to the simplest of minds that what you are saying is valid and the courts shoud see it your way. That is not what is happening, and not what will happen in the future. Please, in your own self interest, get representation from some one qualified.

 

[Just Blue]

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