My brother's ex interferes with his bond with his daughter.

[tworoads]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Texas

The child is age 7. The mother tries a variety of things to turn the child against her dad, such as lying about my brother to the child, calling during visitation and becoming hysterical and accusatory, scheduling lessons and events during his visitation, dropping her other (non-related) child off and then when she picks her up trying to pick up my niece as well before visitation is complete, pretending that she has forgotten when and where the pick-up for visitation is supposed to happen, making excuses for why the scheduled visitation can't happen at all, and these incidents amount to hundreds of instances over the last 18 months. My brother stays calm when she tries her techniques and backs away when she escalates for his daughter's sake. He has a very good attorney, but he has been advised by the attorney to try and "get along" with the mother, but the mother is highly manipulative and pathological, and the child is increasingly anxious. I feel very strongly that this pattern of behavior on the part of the mother is very detrimental to the child and have pleaded with my brother to bring her to a qualified counselor on a regular basis, and also told him that her behavior needs to be addressed by the court; would you agree? My brother balks at these suggestions because he doesn't wish to antagonize the mother. I know you can't give legal advice here, but some suggestions to bring to his attorney would be appreciated.

 

[Ohiogal]

Quite frankly YOU need to back out of this. YOU are interfering with this whole situation. The brother's attorney is correct and brother should be playing nice at this point since apparently there is a case open or your brother wouldn't have an active attorney.

 

[haiku]

Your brother is being very smart. He is following his attorneys advice. You would do best to stay out of your brothers business, lest you put his visitation and custody in jeopardy.

 

[cyjeff]

I always find it interesting when one legally distant party involves themselves in a situation so that they can say that a second legally distant party is interfering.

Does NO ONE own a good mirror?

 

[tworoads]

What about the child's welfare?

I get what you are all saying-- for me to back off. Thank you very, very much for responding.

Perhaps I should have explained: my brother, who is a highly sensitive, sober, intelligent, but fairly passive individual, who frequently calls and asks for my help, since I am a health professional and the mother of three. Mainly I listen and help him calm down and make his own decision.

I believe he calls me out of desperation because of the highly-charged circumstances he must regularly deal with, usually in the midst of crises that occur because of his ex's behavior, during almost every pick-up, drop-off and visitation over the last 18 months. He has spent thousands of dollars on attorneys, and has sought counseling for himself to deal with stress and get parenting help from a professional. However, his ex has escalated her behaviors and the child is not doing well. The child says things like "soon I won't have to come over here anymore."

I believe my brother is a very good parent and deals with his child very well. But he is not a counselor.

The first time he called me, I helped him find the best family law attorney. Shall I now tell him I need to back off and let him and the attorney handle it? He is reluctant to call his attorney every time she interferes with visitation (which is several times per visit).

His description of my niece's increasing anxiety is disturbing. I certainly realize that I don't have the depth of knowledge needed here. Yet this appears to be a classic example of parental alienation syndrome on the part of the mother. My niece and her mother have all of the "Stage 2" symptoms on PasKids.com and some of the "Stage 3" symptoms.
Stage 2, A Moderate Alienated Child of Parental Alienation Syndrome
Stage 3, A Severely Alienated Child of Parental Alienation Syndrome

I am thinking five years down the road, or maybe sooner, the child will have been completely brainwashed and won't want to ever come back to my brother's home.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Have dad get a court order that has the child in counseling.

Dad needs to stop being a door mat and enforce the court order. If mom won't comply, then dad needs to file a show cause in court. Mom might eventually get the picture.

Dad also needs to do some reading to help on this issues.

 

[Proserpina]

You also may want to consider dropping completely the PAS angle.

Parental Alienation is one thing - but PAS has been virtually completely discredited by every major group and association involved with child abuse.

 

[TheGeekess]

And OP needs to realize that PAS was the brainchild of a demented man who thought pedophiles should have access to children.

 

[tworoads]

This is very helpful. It's good to hear a different perspective, especially about the usefulness of my role in this situation. At my urging last year, he entered mediation with his ex and his attorney got a settlement where she agreed that my brother could take the child to a counselor of his choice, because prior to that, she had all the control over that. But he has not made any appointments for the child yet. Ultimately, of course, it's up to my brother (not me) whether to seek counseling for his daughter and further court intervention. Again, thank you all for your help.

 

[Sunnyone83]

So... he fought for and was awarded the ability to take daughter to a counselor. of his choice..
And has chosen not to take her to a counselor?

How long ago was he given this ability?

 

[gr8rn]

And OP needs to realize that PAS was the brainchild of a demented man who thought pedophiles should have access to children.

And committed suicide when it all fell apart; may he rot in hell

 

[tworoads]

A year ago. He seems very hesitant to bring his child to counseling. Because his ex has a heavy distrust of mental health professionals (which he knows from the time they were together), he fears that bringing the child to counseling might escalate the woman's behavior and make the situation worse. She has stated that she does not want the child to be seen by a counselor not of her choice, not in her presence. However, he now has the court's order that he can choose the counselor without her consent, and bring the child counseling during his scheduled visitation.

I have pleaded with him to make the appointment for his child's well-being. I believe my brother's attitude is that of a battered spouse who fights back, but after a while, tries to please and placate so as not to make the angry person angrier. He makes some strides, but then tends to back down and more or less give his ex what she demands. He wishes to "get along" on his attorney's advice and for his daughter's sake, he tells me.

It may be that he needs professional counseling first on his reluctance to get counseling for his daughter. As well as the myriad other problems he's gotten himself into here. When I speak with him, however, I am thinking foremost of my niece's welfare. Again, thank you.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

And OP needs to realize that PAS was the brainchild of a demented man who thought pedophiles should have access to children.

I agree, but there are parents who work hard at trying to eliminate the presence of the other parent in their relationships. The best you can do is try to convince your brother to get counseling. As you stated, he needs to work on himself so that HE can be a better parent to his child.

 

[Ohiogal]

A year ago. He seems very hesitant to bring his child to counseling.

Then your brother quite frankly is an idiot OR your brother is hiding something that he is afraid will come out in counseling with the child.

Because his ex has a heavy distrust of mental health professionals (which he knows from the time they were together), he fears that bringing the child to counseling might escalate the woman's behavior and make the situation worse.

And you know this because your brother told you right? Or can you read minds?

She has stated that she does not want the child to be seen by a counselor not of her choice, not in her presence. However, he now has the court's order that he can choose the counselor without her consent, and bring the child counseling during his scheduled visitation.

And he has done NOTHING about this. hence his issues are HIS issues completely. If his child is suffering or being alienated from him that is because HE is allowing it. The issue is NOT the ex at this point. It is NOT the attorney. It is not the child. the ISSUE is your brother. The issue is he doesn't want to help his child.

I have pleaded with him to make the appointment for his child's well-being. I believe my brother's attitude is that of a battered spouse who fights back, but after a while, tries to please and placate so as not to make the angry person angrier. He makes some strides, but then tends to back down and more or less give his ex what she demands. He wishes to "get along" on his attorney's advice and for his daughter's sake, he tells me.

OR he is hiding something that makes his child not want to be around him that could be revealed in counseling. OR he doesn't care that much about his child but is going through the motions because he is being goaded by you. Or.... should I tell you that there are other reasons why he has not done anything to help his child EVEN THOUGH he has a court order to do so?

It may be that he needs professional counseling first on his reluctance to get counseling for his daughter. As well as the myriad other problems he's gotten himself into here. When I speak with him, however, I am thinking foremost of my niece's welfare. Again, thank you.

Quite frankly, YOUR BROTHER is not thinking of his child's welfare. And if he won't, maybe MOM should have full custody of the child. Dad, when he decides to man up, can then become involved with visitation later.

 

[dannyt]

butt out before it causes brother problems

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Texas

The child is age 7. The mother tries a variety of things to turn the child against her dad, such as lying about my brother to the child, calling during visitation and becoming hysterical and accusatory, scheduling lessons and events during his visitation, dropping her other (non-related) child off and then when she picks her up trying to pick up my niece as well before visitation is complete, pretending that she has forgotten when and where the pick-up for visitation is supposed to happen, making excuses for why the scheduled visitation can't happen at all, and these incidents amount to hundreds of instances over the last 18 months. My brother stays calm when she tries her techniques and backs away when she escalates for his daughter's sake. He has a very good attorney, but he has been advised by the attorney to try and "get along" with the mother, but the mother is highly manipulative and pathological, and the child is increasingly anxious. I feel very strongly that this pattern of behavior on the part of the mother is very detrimental to the child and have pleaded with my brother to bring her to a qualified counselor on a regular basis, and also told him that her behavior needs to be addressed by the court; would you agree? My brother balks at these suggestions because he doesn't wish to antagonize the mother. I know you can't give legal advice here, but some suggestions to bring to his attorney would be appreciated.

and you know all this how? i agree that you should butt out before you seriously hurt your brother's case, this is between your brother and the child's mother. you have nothing to do with or say about this matter at all