Name Change

[Humusluvr]

Zigner...I would have to have respect for them to show it. I am not going to apologize for that. Would it be better if I called him daddy-dearest or granny-dearest? Somethings you have to earn. Being called his dad or father is not a title he has earned and neither is my respect..

Sorry, but you're not going to win that argument here.

He earned his way into your pants at some point, so therefore he did EARN his rights to be dad. And grandma comes along with that.

And you should always show respect for the person who helped you create your son.

 

[GaPeaches123]

He may have "earned" it then as you say, but he "lost" it when HE walked away and never looked back. (However, you should remember there are situations to circumstances that I have not made public on this board.)

Look this is a mute point. The situation is as it is. I am sorry semantics makes such a big difference to this situation. He is in fact his BIOLOGICAL FATHER. He is not his father in name, because he did not sign the birth certificate, and yes he knew when he was born and at what hospital and everything else he needed to know. HE came and held my son, he fed him, and three days later he bolted and never looked back. Therefore, he is not a FATHER in action either. So the ONLY thing I consider him to be is his BIOLOGICAL FATHER. If at anytime he starts ACTING like a FATHER then I will consider him his FATHER until then it is not going to happen to matter how much I am belittle, or talked down to about it.

BTW, when I did call the bio-grandmother I called her Mrs. (insert name here). So while I do not have respect for her, I do have respect for her age and I do maintain my manners.

Other than this whole respect thing, I would like to thank everyone for the advice. It has given me a lot to think about, and from different view points. I am emotionally involved and it is hard to take a step back from it, but I am reasoning everything out and I will decide which direction to go that will be best for my son.

 

[Ohiogal]

He may have "earned" it then as you say, but he "lost" it when HE walked away and never looked back. (However, you should remember there are situations to circumstances that I have not made public on this board.)

Look this is a mute point. The situation is as it is. I am sorry semantics makes such a big difference to this situation. He is in fact his BIOLOGICAL FATHER. He is not his father in name, because he did not sign the birth certificate, and yes he knew when he was born and at what hospital and everything else he needed to know. HE came and held my son, he fed him, and three days later he bolted and never looked back. Therefore, he is not a FATHER in action either. So the ONLY thing I consider him to be is his BIOLOGICAL FATHER. If at anytime he starts ACTING like a FATHER then I will consider him his FATHER until then it is not going to happen to matter how much I am belittle, or talked down to about it.

BTW, when I did call the bio-grandmother I called her Mrs. (insert name here). So while I do not have respect for her, I do have respect for her age and I do maintain my manners.

Other than this whole respect thing, I would like to thank everyone for the advice. It has given me a lot to think about, and from different view points. I am emotionally involved and it is hard to take a step back from it, but I am reasoning everything out and I will decide which direction to go that will be best for my son.

Sorry but he is NOT the biological father either. He is not the legal father. He is NOTHING. Why? Because you never bothered to establish paternity. He doesn't have to act like a father until he is legally the father. And even then the definition of acting like a father does not mean taking junior to ball games.

All he has is YOUR word that he is daddy. You could have been screwing half the Pittsburgh Pirate baseball team at that point. There is NO PROOF that he is ANYTHING to this child nor have you ever stepped up to the plate and been an adult and done what you should have done. All we know is that you had sex with him. You let him in your pants without benefit of marriage and at some point afterwards you became pregnant. Doesn't mean he is daddy at all.

 

[GaPeaches123]

Ohiogal...I have to agree with you on a couple points, although I am sure not the way you want me to. You are correct he is not the LEGAL father. You are correct he in not his FATHER. You are correct him taking "junior" to the ball game will not make him a FATHER. However you are incorrect on the BIOLOGICAL FATHER. He was the only guy I had EVER been with at that time ( I have been with my husband for seven years and we have a beautiful baby girl). While no it has not been legally proven, there is not doubt. So again a mute point.

It totally dumbfounds me that I cam on here for advice about a name change and I get attack over the choices I have made to protect my child. I have already admitted that I have not made the right choices all of the time. I have admitted that I was young and dumb at the time. Why should I consider him his FATHER when he himself does not consider him his FATHER? That makes no sense to me at all, and I am not sure why it is such a big deal.

The only thing my son wanted was to meet him. I cannot force that to happen. I cannot undo the past and change the choices I made. I can only work in the present. The only thing I can do for my child is to help him deal with this, (yes I did call a therapist, who I think will be a good match for my son), and seek to force the BIOLOGICAL FATHER to atleast acknowledge that he created a child and that he DOES exist.

I am going to proceed with the child support recovery thing I do not know. Again it goes back to damned if I do and damned if I don't. Some are berating me for even thinking about and then some are berating me for not having it done already. I MADE MISTAKES!!! I admit that, but I am the one that stuck by my child. I am not the one that took the easy way out and ran. I am the one that acted like an ADULT, and made sure that my child has what he needs.

 

[Humusluvr]

The only thing my son wanted was to meet him. I cannot force that to happen. I cannot undo the past and change the choices I made. I can only work in the present. The only thing I can do for my child is to help him deal with this, (yes I did call a therapist, who I think will be a good match for my son), and seek to force the BIOLOGICAL FATHER to atleast acknowledge that he created a child and that he DOES exist.

I am going to proceed with the child support recovery thing I do not know. Again it goes back to damned if I do and damned if I don't. Some are berating me for even thinking about and then some are berating me for not having it done already. I MADE MISTAKES!!! I admit that, but I am the one that stuck by my child. I am not the one that took the easy way out and ran. I am the one that acted like an ADULT, and made sure that my child has what he needs.

See, its that FORCING stuff that is going to cause you problems.

If you want money, file for it. No one here has a problem with that. I think both parents should support the child.

At this point though, HE ISN"T LEGALLY DAD. So, you can't do anything until you establish paternity.

You can't force him to even say hi to your kiddo. So, why do you want to create drama? If you truly wanted to protect your son, you'd leave well enough alone. Explain to son that dad has different views and can't see him now. Protecting son's feelings means NOT forcing dad into HURTING your son even more.

If you FORCE, you will be sorry.

 

[GaPeaches123]

Humusluvr...
Very good point. I don't want drama, and I have made it this long without the money, so I don't want the money. Although the cost of insurance and all that goes with it when my son starts to drive will push our budget well over the limits at this point in time. But I have always managed before and I will always manage later. Hey I have survived A LOT
worse .

I just feel my son has truly gotten the short end of the stick through no fault of his own. This was mine and his ________ choice, not his. I guess because this was the only thing he has asked it should have been granted. He knew this day would one day arrive and he should have been prepared for it. Lord know I tried to prepare myself for it from the very beginning.

I will support and guide my child, no matter what age he is. He has the appointment set up for the therapist and I am going to hold off on everything until he has time to resolve the issues that he is dealing with, then I will re-evaluate the situation.

I do and always have, regardless of what anyone on here maybe thinking, the best interest of my child at heart. He is my pride and joy and I would never want to cause him harm, although I know through past actions I have. But I cannot change that, I can only take today for today and tomorrow for tomorrow, and try to make the best choices that I can .

 

[Humusluvr]

Humusluvr...
Very good point. I don't want drama, and I have made it this long without the money, so I don't want the money. Although the cost of insurance and all that goes with it when my son starts to drive will push our budget well over the limits at this point in time. But I have always managed before and I will always manage later. Hey I have survived A LOT
worse .

I just feel my son has truly gotten the short end of the stick through no fault of his own. This was mine and his ________ choice, not his. I guess because this was the only thing he has asked it should have been granted. He knew this day would one day arrive and he should have been prepared for it. Lord know I tried to prepare myself for it from the very beginning.

I will support and guide my child, no matter what age he is. He has the appointment set up for the therapist and I am going to hold off on everything until he has time to resolve the issues that he is dealing with, then I will re-evaluate the situation.

I do and always have, regardless of what anyone on here maybe thinking, the best interest of my child at heart. He is my pride and joy and I would never want to cause him harm, although I know through past actions I have. But I cannot change that, I can only take today for today and tomorrow for tomorrow, and try to make the best choices that I can .

Much better

I could have personally wrote all the things you have written, from my personal experience.

My ex is drama to the max. I personally think that if you can raise your son without it, a happy parent raising a child on their own is better than two parents fighting or making drama. You have done it on your own so far, why kick a sleeping dog???

 

[Ohiogal]

Ohiogal...I have to agree with you on a couple points, although I am sure not the way you want me to. You are correct he is not the LEGAL father. You are correct he in not his FATHER. You are correct him taking "junior" to the ball game will not make him a FATHER. However you are incorrect on the BIOLOGICAL FATHER. He was the only guy I had EVER been with at that time ( I have been with my husband for seven years and we have a beautiful baby girl). While no it has not been legally proven, there is not doubt. So again a mute point.

It totally dumbfounds me that I cam on here for advice about a name change and I get attack over the choices I have made to protect my child. I have already admitted that I have not made the right choices all of the time. I have admitted that I was young and dumb at the time. Why should I consider him his FATHER when he himself does not consider him his FATHER? That makes no sense to me at all, and I am not sure why it is such a big deal.

The only thing my son wanted was to meet him. I cannot force that to happen. I cannot undo the past and change the choices I made. I can only work in the present. The only thing I can do for my child is to help him deal with this, (yes I did call a therapist, who I think will be a good match for my son), and seek to force the BIOLOGICAL FATHER to atleast acknowledge that he created a child and that he DOES exist.

I am going to proceed with the child support recovery thing I do not know. Again it goes back to damned if I do and damned if I don't. Some are berating me for even thinking about and then some are berating me for not having it done already. I MADE MISTAKES!!! I admit that, but I am the one that stuck by my child. I am not the one that took the easy way out and ran. I am the one that acted like an ADULT, and made sure that my child has what he needs.

PROVE IT. You have no proof that he is the biological father. END of story. Until you establish paternity he is NOT the biological father. He is the one you THINK is the biological father. You really need to get a grip on the legalities.

As for acting like an adult, you didn't. You partially did but you could have filed to establish paternity 15 years ago and made sure that he is the actual father of this child. That could have made all the difference. YOU got pregnant while not married. YOU chose to carry the child to term even though that meant the child did not have a father. You chose not to legally pursue child support or establish paternity. The problem is you don't like the consequences that have come from those choices. And that is not very adult.

 

[GaPeaches123]

Wow Ohiogal....u seemed to want that piece of paper more than any one else. I do not have to prove anything to you. I do understand legally speaking if I did pursue this I would have to do a DNA test, THAT WOULD MAKE IT LEGAL. I get it. I understand it. Happy?

I am not afraid to do a DNA test, like I said there is no question he is the biological father, hmmm I guess it could have been immaculate conception I was 15 when we started dating. He was the only guy that "I let into my pants". My husband is the second one. After the relationship I had with my child's ________ I needed time to heal and be able to allow my self to be in a "romantic" relationship again. The _____________ knows and has never denied that he was the ______________ His mother even said that on the phone. I am not someone that slept around with everyone I came into contact with, let alone the whole baseball team as you said. I hope you lighten up a little. If you are in the legal profession I know you see all kinds, but not everyone is bad. You do not know me. It is fine, think what you will. I know and he knows, and if I ever need that piece of paper for court it will not be a problem I hope you have a better day!

 

[Silverplum]

This craptastic attitude, evidenced below:

my child's ________
The _____________
the ______________

irritates the crud out of us.

You will severely limit the replies you receive if you continue to be disrespectful.

 

[jbowman]

Hmmm well first she called him BIO father and got blasted. But then she was blasted because he is not father at all since he hasnt been legally declared.

So if he's not "bio" and not "father" or "dad", what the heck is she supposed to call him? I think _________ will suffice LOL. She's damned if she does, she's damned if she doesnt.

 

[TheGeekess]

Hmmm well first she called him BIO father and got blasted. But then she was blasted because he is not father at all since he hasnt been legally declared.

So if he's not "bio" and not "father" or "dad", what the heck is she supposed to call him? I think _________ will suffice LOL. She's damned if she does, she's damned if she doesnt.

Maybe AD (Alleged Dad)? PF (Presumed Father)?

 

[GaPeaches123]

Not trying to be smart about anything or have a crappy attitude. I just refuse to call him his father or dad. I know some of you disagree with it but that is just how I feel and I am not sitting in a court right now. I could call him what I think he really is but it would be inappropriate.

jbowman..thank you and I agree, not sure what else I could have called him so I did not call him anything.

TheGeekess..thank you too! I think I like that suggestion of a name better than any of my other option on this board thus far.

 

[Humusluvr]

Not trying to be smart about anything or have a crappy attitude. I just refuse to call him his father or dad. I know some of you disagree with it but that is just how I feel and I am not sitting in a court right now. I could call him what I think he really is but it would be inappropriate.

jbowman..thank you and I agree, not sure what else I could have called him so I did not call him anything.

TheGeekess..thank you too! I think I like that suggestion of a name better than any of my other option on this board thus far.

So, what do you call him with your son? You tell him he has no father or dad? How sad.

You have to realize, legally - he has no dad since dad is not on birth certificate. He may also not have a person acting as a father in his life. But, we all know you didn't make him on his own.

You can't argue here with a bunch of folks who argue for a living (meaning - lawyers). Just be respectful of dad. It will make your son's life as drama free as possible.

 

[GaPeaches123]

My son does know his first name. I did not want to give him the last name because I do not want him to search on his own. I do not talk negative about him. We have had conversation in the past and I told him we were both young and that it was a big responsibility to take care of a child and the AD was just not ready for it.

When it came up this last time and he wanted to meet him I did talk to him a bit without bashing AD. That is something I will not do. If they do have a relationship I will not be the one to stop it. I did not stop it when he was an infant and I will not stop it now.

I was a single mom for the first part of my sons life, since I have married my husband fills the role as dad. Yes my son knows he is not the "real" dad but they have that relationship. I never tried to deceive my son and will answer questions to the best of my ability.

As far as arguing goes sometimes I think I entered the wrong profession. I can argue with a fence post...lol ask my husband.