Need advice

[Jynx]

I'm not sure I'm in the right place, but here goes. My ex husband and I divorced a couple of years ago, we have a son together. I have total physical custody and I left child support out of the divorce papers at his request (he has and does pay support and carries Med. Insurance on our son). Right before our divorce was final he began seeing someone. We had been separated for several years so this was no problem for anyone. Shortly after my ex began seeing this person he introduced my son to her. Immediately she wanted nothing to do with our son (he is ADHD and is a handfull). My ex and I discussed this at length and decided our son would not be around her when my ex had visitation. This lasted for a few weeks. She began to go to my ex's house when our son was there. She was rude and vulgar in front of, and to our son and of course this increased his anxiety and hyperness. This has been going on for over two years. There have been episodes where my son has called me at 2 in the morning asking me to go get him because his father and this person were fighting, or his father was drunk and passed out or in several instances, because his father had left him alone. My son is now 9 years old. His father has left our son in this womans care (without my knowledge or approval), she has allowed our son to play by himself in the river (my ex has a home on the river), left our son alone and gone to her home (while supposedly watching him for my ex). Over the past two years she has repeatedly called my home and hung up on me and my children. I have had my number changed twice. She came to my place of work to 'see' what I look like. She has begun to 'spank' my child and threaten him if he tells me what she says and does. This woman now has a child for my ex, so my son seeing her cannot be avoided IF he visits his father. I have talked to my ex, he defends his actions (like leaving my son alone, with her,or allowing her to say vulgar things in front of our son), he defends his girlfriend and refuses to work out a solution to see our son that we all could be comfortable with. I wish I could list everything that has happened, some of it is horrid. I fear for my sons safety when he is near this woman. He comes home shaking and irritable and afraid, and not really wanting to go back, until his dad calls and promises his girlfriend wont be there (and then she always is). My son has nightmares, and does not sleep well for days after a visit, his doctor said this stress cannot go on. My son sees his father one day a week, saturday and most times spends the night and comes home by 2 sunday, less that 24 hours a week. These few hours are killing him though. I want my son to see his father, but his father told me point blank that no child was going to run his life, meaning our son and these problems. What can I do to protect my son and my own home from this woman? Any advice would be appreciated and I'm sorry if I'm in the wrong place. I live in North Carolina.

 

[Nekobirm]

I live in North Carolina, too.
Best advice for you....Get a good attorney NOW!
Don't wait. I also have an ADHD child. His father (along with "advice" from the internet, his parents and his girlfriend, now wife) decided that my son no longer needed to be on Ritalin. They did not discuss this with my son's MD, or Counselor, or even me! This started a huge argument. I ended up having to get my son retested for ADHD and met with his primary care MD to "prove" that he still needed to take the prescribed dose. My Ex still refused to believe the professionals over his own sources. During my marriage to this man, there were NO problems with our son taking Ritalin. (Son on meds x 6 years, now 13 yrs old)

For the sake of your son, start recording every incident, names, dates, times, places, etc. This will provide your attorney and the court with useful information regarding the treatment of your son.
Obtain statements from your son's MD regarding the effect that these visits have on your son.
Explore the possibility of having supervised visitation, when your son visits his Dad. You'll need to provide evidence to the court for this to occur. (Hence, the documentation and witnesses,if possible).

Also, get a court order for child support. If not done, your Ex can stop paying you at any time. Don't trust a verbal agreement from him. All things financial can and DO change, once a new woman enters the picture. My Ex wanted me to "agree" to a verbal support arrangement: $400.00 per month entered into the written agreement. He then stated he would give the (2) children an additional $400.00 in cash "under the table". This was supposedly to hide income from the IRS.
I refused this arrangement, citing the fact that he could at any time "refuse" to pay the additional $$, and there would be no documentation of him ever giving me the "extra" $$. Then, I would be stuck with a signed court order stating that 400.00/month support for 2 children was acceptable to me. To this day, I'm still waiting for the "permanent" support order to be decided. As it stands now, he only gives them $368.00 per month. (This man owns a franchised business!)

Be very cautious when dealing with the girlfriend.
I hope this helps.

P.S. I'm not a lawyer, just someone who's "been there".

 

[Kelly143]

Your ex's girlfriend has NO RIGHT to spank your child. That is called abuse, not discipline. You need to file charges against her. you may be able to get a restraining order against her on behalf of your son and that would keep her from being there when yoour son is with your ex. You also need to get court ordered CS. Document everything that happens with your son, and write down what he tells you. The courts may even order temporary supervised visitation on the grounds that he is left alone and subjected to his fathers drunkeness. Good luck.

 

[Jynx]

Thank you both so much for your replies! I was so sure no one could relate to my situation. When I first posted I didn't post any real particulars, but I would like to post a few now, so that you may see more of my situation. My son being ADHD was diagnosed after our separation, but I included his father in all the visits to the doctor and to school. His father was very active in seeing our son, called during the week, came to get him for supper many times a week and saw him every weekend. We had not filed for divorce because we were both working to get ourselves situated and frankly were being lazy about it. Neither of us felt any rush. His child support was always on time and he helped out with our son in many other ways also. He met this young woman and everything fell apart for our son. Suddenly his father was nowhere to be found, he stopped calling our son, he stopped taking him to dinner, and he became irritated that our son would call him at work just to say hi (My ex works in a huge family owned business and its ok that our son calls him there). My son being 6 at the time,did not understand what had happened so fast. A month after my Ex started dating this woman, and before he stopped most contact with our son, he asked me to file for divorce, he said he could not afford it ( I couldnt really but I did).
And so our divorce was final within a week (we had been separated almost 4 years at that time, and he went and signed the papers with the divorce attorney). From that day on things went down hill. He stopped calling our son, he stopped paying his support on time, he stopped returning calls to our son, from his workplace, our son lost all contact with my Ex's parents and siblings. When I finally could speak to him, he was angry and nasty to me, he had never been that way before. I eventually spoke to his parents, and his sister, and all of them asked me what was wrong with him. After a few months he began paying his support on time again, but still he had a bad attitude towards me and was very short with our son. He finally told me his new GF did not think we should talk to each other much less remain friendly and so he was doing as she asked. She also had a new child, about 6 months old, and he was helping her to take care of it (he was not this childs father). To cut this shorter, and Im sorry its this long, I'll try to compact the rest. My ex began to drink, he and new GF argued and fought all the time. My son began to have heart problems brought on by the ritalin use and our doctor decided to remove him from meds. My Ex did not care enough to even talk to me or go with us to the doctor, he told me to handle it, he didnt have time for our sons 'problems'; said he had enough of his own. All visits with our son were cut down to saturday night to sunday around 2pm, by my ex and sometimes he has said this is too much. He only pays $200.00 a month child support, and he has become one of those parents that complains each month and is always a few days late. he never volunteers to help with anything to do with our son. I removed our son from public schools because of his ADHD and am now homeschooling him. My Ex purchased a desk for our son, and then charged me $100.00 for it and took it out of his CS. Things have escalated to the point that in the last 6 months, my son has called me 10 times to come get him, every time late at night. Once his father was drunk and passed out, my son was paniced thinking his father was dead! Once my Ex drug my son through the woods to hide from his GF because they were arguing, my son called me as soon as they went back inside. Once because his father just left him home alone after 10pm to drive 25 miles to see his GF a few minutes. I have talked til Im blue in the face with my Ex, he seems to be loosing his mind, he sees nothing wrong with this behaviour. His GF told my son and keeps telling him she does not like my son. My son is being spanked by her for any number of things, once for calling me, once for taking his toy back from her child. All my Ex can say to me about it all is that he is grown and he will do as he pleases. I am terrified for my son when he is with his father. Neither the father or the GF care about our sons safety. My child comes home after one of these episodes (where I had to go get him), crying, shaking and saying the most horrible things about his father. He says he hates him, he's afraid of him and the GF, he doesn't want to go back. Then a few days later his dad calls and makes promises he wont keep and my son says to me that he does love his dad and wants to see him. My son believes things will change and they never do. I'm left holding the bag and I need some help. I do make notes of everything and have pictures of the bruises and scratches he has come home with. I made notes of all the calls I get that I can verify are his GF and I have all the doctors records as well as public school records showing his father never even met the last two years teachers. I just am at a loss as to what I should really do. I feel that my sons welfare is endangered when he is with his father and the GF. I live with the results. And yet I know my son needs his father, and I want him to have that. But at what cost? I've talked to my Ex about seeing an attorney to set up visitations, and set up court ordered CS, and each time he gets angry and says that he is not a bad parent and I cannot prove it. He says I'm a jealous ex-wife and thats what he will tell the judge. For the record, Im not a jealous ex-wife, I'm a very happy (other than this) soon to be married woman, that minds her own business. I guess I'm just wondering what I should tell an attorney and will a judge think this is some frivilous thing? It's not friviouls to me at all, not with all that my son goes through just to be near his dad. Thank you so much for the replies and the help.

 

[deefran]

Don't wait for your ex's permission to file for child support. He has proven that he does not have your son's best interests in mind, you will have to be tough and just do it. If visitation was never ruled on in your divorce, then you legally do not have to allow your son to go off with him, offer to allow him to visit with the son at YOUR home, stating that you do not feel comfortable with the treatment he has been receiving. Have witnesses to show that while you are trying to further the father son relationship, you are also protecting your son. If he does not agree to this, document that also. If visitation was ordered in the divorce have it modified. Get a good lawyer who will fight to have supervised visits and NO CONTACT with the girlfriend. There are good lawyers out there willing to accept payments. Good Luck to you.