Need out of this relationship

[SaraJane]

What is the name of your state? Mississippi

Ok, Im not sure if this is the best forum for this situation, but either way here goes the situation...

I moved from Michigan to Alabama 3 and a half years ago to start a relationship with my husband, whom I met on the internet years prior to that. I lost custody of my 9 year old child in the process. My ex and I have joint custody, but due to the distance I see my child no where near as much as I'd like to.

My husband made a lot of promises early on in our relationship regarding my son in Michigan, my ability to visit regularly, as well as his drinking.

We married about a year after I moved to Alabama, had a child the following year, and moved to Mississippi where his sister and her wife lives.

My husband works offshore (oil field) and is gone 2-3 weeks at a time, and home for 3-13 days at a time. He is an alchoholic and spends his time at home playing online roleplay games and drinking excessively despite my efforts to change this.

He has 3 DUI's, and still drinks and drives. So, not only does the drinking bother me but the fact that he cant even come home from work without stopping for alchohol on the way is just too much for me to take anymore.

Fact of the matter is this... Im miserable, he's made promises for years saying he'd stop drinking and never has, I've got a child at home and family there whom I'd much rather be with.

My 11 year old does not want to be here any longer, he hates the town more than I do, despises his school and the fact that he has no friends and no activities he can participate in.

Im ready to leave... not threaten to leave, but really leave.
My husband is NOT physically abusive, just very neglectful in my opinion, and very irresponsible and blind (uncaring) to the feelings and needs of my son and myself.

I had first told him that I wanted a divorce in January, when he picked us up from the airport after our visit home for the holidays and he had been drinking and driving. I did not follow through with the threat because he (again) swore he'd stop. But, he feels he has no problem considering he's not being pysically abusive, therefor has never made a true effort to quit for more than a few days (and during those days he's so unpleasant I'd rather him drink than not anyway).

Well, this past week I met with an attorney for a consultation. My husband is aware of this, as Ive never hid my feelings from him, or my intentions.

I cannot afford an attorney, I havent worked since I became pregnant for my now 15 month old son. My husband has cut off the debit cards and restricted me from having any access to funds. He's threatening to take my child away, etc.

I dont know what to do. I want to go home, but I have $600 to my name at this point, and that is not much to work with.

I have called social services, woman's shelters, etc and Im left with nothing, and very little hope at all for resolving the situation. Social services will not assist me with more than foodstamps, the housing authority cannot offer help because they have no resources (due to Katrina), there is no legal aid available for me (because of his income and the fact that Im still living with him), a woman's shelter isnt 'necessary' because he's not violent, and it would not assist with the other issues that I am having.

All of my family is in Michigan, as well as my other child, my friends, etc. I know that if I were able to go home I could find work, a place to live, and build a much better life for my children and myself, but he's unwilling to allow this.

I do not want to lose my son, not to an alchoholic who's never home or to his family, and Im fearful that this is going to happen if I make a drastic move to get out of here.

Im out of ideas and any advice would be much appreciated.

 

[Zephyr]

forget the debit cards- go directly to the bank and make a normal old fashioned withdrawl

 

[SaraJane]

Cant, we've never had a joint account. Its in his name and his name only.

I've written his checks for bills for the past 3 years, and used a second debit card (in his name) to do grocery shopping, etc.

Credit has always been an issue for me, while during the past few years I have not made any attempt to resolve the issue for myself (only his) its playing a factor now that I want to leave. Im afraid that I may not be able to get electricity even if I am even able to find someone who would rent to me.

There were issues with spending "his" money to pay "my debts", and while we've managed to pay off all his previous debt, since I was no longer working mine were ignored.

I never needed credit, as long as I stayed with him.

 

[SaraJane]

I stopped working when I was pregnant due to severe morning sickness, and he preferred that I remain home during the pregnancy due to complications with my previous pregnancies.

Prior to not working while with him I have never been unemployed, before and after my first son was born I maintained full time employment to support him (while recieving some financial assistance).

He had wanted me to continue to stay home since he makes more than enough money to support the 4 of us. Reasons being from daycare costs to the fact that he didnt want me to meet 'someone else'.

We moved to this town shortly after our son was born, and there are no jobs within 30 miles that would pay more than what it would cost for childcare, and to top that off there are no daycares which will care for children under the age of 2. No family, no friends... I've been 'stuck' in this "stay at home and depend on this guy" mode for far too long.

 

[janimal]

Call your family and friends. I am guessing SOMEONE in your family also wants you to get away from him.
Take your $600, fill your car with gas and your kids clothes, and drive away. Go to your family. Get a job, and save, set a goal for how much you want saved and when you will find your own place. Give some money to your family member you are staying with and be a good guest. Contact social services in your new town and ask for assistance.

Just get away. Now.

And stop listening to him promising to change.

 

[SaraJane]

Yes, my family does in fact want me out of here. However, my mother is about the only person who would have the ability to take us in (temporarily) and unfortunately her and I both know that in order to recieve help from the state I would be qualified for NOTHING if Im living under her roof.

This is a situation all too familiar for us in certain perspectives. (After my previous divorce I lost my home and was living with her). The only way I could have gotten help was to go to a shelter, which Im willing to do at this point... However that leaves me with my greatest concern of all.

He could file an exparte(sp?) order granting him immediate temporary custody of our 1 year old. I would not have the means to take legal action against him. This is the only thing that's stopping me from packing up and heading out the door.

The legal aid department closest to me (about 4 counties over) requires that him and I be physically seperated for 6 months. The only attorney's I can find within an hour drive want quite a bit just for consultation, and way more than I can come up with for actual legal help.

He (my husband) has made it very known to me that he will not allow for our son to be a recipient of state aid, and that he will not allow for us to stay with my mother (her house is too small, not suitable for 6 people), not allow his son to live in a shelter, etc.

My mother wants us to leave as much as I want to leave, but she knows as well as I do that right now the circumstances are more than I know what to deal with. My father passed away 6 years ago, and she's in a financial crisis of her own actually. She's currently supporting herself and my 2 younger brothers on very little income and struggling with debt. There's not much that she can offer. Aside from her there's not that many people that I can turn to in this situation.