Need some advice about handling questions from stepdaughter

[Rochelle]

What is the name of your state? MS

My stepdaughter is 8. My husband has her every other weekend, 4 weeks every summer, alternating holidays and any time that his daughter tells him she wants to stay with him. Lately, she's been asking some tough questions of me, her dad and her grandmother and I'm not sure just how to answer them.

1. Several months ago, her mom had her dad put in jail for nonpayment of child support. He was paying it in cash (against my advice) and couldn't prove it, so we had to cough up $1800 that we had been saving for a home of our own. The problem is, his little girl had always asked to give her mom the money (I don't know why, she just like handling the cash I guess) and she got really upset. She asked her dad, and he told her the truth and that he would be writing checks for the $ and she could give her mom the check. The reason he was paying in cash is that our checks were stolen and we couldn't use our account. I told him to use money orders, but he believed she'd never try to do anything to him for no reason. Ok, so his daughter asked her mom, and her mom said that SHE didn't put daddy in jail that the judge did it. She asked her grandfather (my dad, who is retired judge) and he explained how it worked. She asked her mom again, and her mom said her dad was just making it up. Now she keeps asking us why her mom keeps lying to her.

2. We weren't suppose to have her this week, but her mom called her dad and asked him if he'd keep her so she could go out of town with her boyfriend. He said sure, and picked her up on friday night. I asked her yesterday, where her mother and Tim were going out of town to, and she got upset. Apparently, her mother had told her that she had to work on a project at school (her mother is a teacher and said she was teaching summer schoo, but who knows?) and that was why the little girl was coming to stay with us an extra week. She's still angy today and said she hates her mom for lying to her. I feel like crap, because I didn't know or I wouldn't have asked. The last thing I want is for there to be trouble.

3. She asked us why we didn't take her to the beach with us last month. We said she couldn't go because her mom had taken her out of town to visit family. She said they didn't go anywhere, and that she'd had to stay with Ms. Becky (her babysitter) everyday. Again, another lie. I feel bad for her and it's getting so we dread answering a question.

What is the best way to deal with this?

 

[lamason1]

With the truth, be upfront and honest. In the long run it will pay off. But document time and date of everything (conversation, week she is away and etc.) it may benefit you later. Keep the log on a calendar and keep in a safe place. I would not let the child know I was doing it, she might alert the Mom and cause more problems. The log is for your protection and benefit. It might come in handy if ever called back to court to say Mother told daughter she was teaching summer school July 1 - 5 but told us she was going off with boyfriend. Just a suggestion. Good luck but remember the truth is always the right answer.

 

[coolmomof4]

I am answering you from personal experience. My ss lives with us and bio-mom has visitation. (He is also 8. I guess that's the age they start really figuring things out and asking questions).

We are dealing with the same situation of his mother lying about big things, like why he lives with his dad instead of her (she told him daddy took him away from her and moved). Not true, SHE packed up and moved back to her parents' house and left him w/daddy. He and his dad lived in the same apartment until we got married and moved 4 years later. There's other things, like who made him have allergy tests, b/c they hurt, and the times when he tells us something she has said, and she denies ever saying it, basically calling her son a liar.

We don't bash her needlessly in his presence. However, if he approaches us with a question, we answer honestly, in a way that an 8 year old can understand. He trusts us and has recently said to me after he was lied to again from his mother "I've never known a parent to lie to their kid like that. I guess we'll just have to deal with it". Doesn't sound like an 8 year old. It shocked me too. But it showed me that kids learn who they can trust. In the end these parents who constantly lie about the other parent will reap what they sow. It's unfortunate, but they may lose out later by having kids that don't respect them or want to see them when they are old enough to decide for themselves. We already see that starting to happen in our case. And he's getting smart enough to stand up to her and tell her he knows she's lying.

So, keep answering her questions honestly. With at least one honest parent, she'll turn out okay.

 

[Rochelle]

Thanks for the advice. It's just getting tiresome. And my husband tries so hard to not involve the child in the things between he and his ex. I told him he should set up a meeting with he, his ex and their daughter and see if they could straighten things out. But he said she'd never go for it.

 

[CMSC]

Well 8 must be the magic age! My ss just turned 8 last week and man oh man has he been loading us with questions. Why do you move so much? Why don't I get to come here for school? Do you send my mom money? Why can't I use it for pokemon cards? and on and on and on!!! MOst of the questions are pertaining to lies told by bio mom's new hubby. We all get along great but lately my ss has been asking some tough questions just like Rochelles sd has been.

It is tough to say what is right or wrong. You want to tell the child the truth about stuff but at the same time you don't want to hurt her.These children are smarter than they are given credit for!

Rochelle I think that your hubby should stick to his guns and make sure the child never feels like she is left out. Tell her that if she is ever told you guys are going on a trip without her to have her call and ask where you are going and why she can't go. Then he can tell her and reassure her that you all aren't going anywhere without her. When parents "move on" with their lives a child feels really left out. I know my ss does feel left out at times when he looks at pictures of things we have done in the year without him. We really try not to do stuff until the summer when he is here so he doesn't feel left out. These children involved are so young and I think at times some bio parents expect them to act like adults and that just isn't possible.

 

[A.J.HASEK]

i cant say it any better then cool or ryry just always be honest kids know who is telling the truth and who they can trust good luck

 

[Rochelle]

Thanks. I appreciate your advice. It's difficult, being a stepmom and not sure what to do or say. I don't want to say anything bad about her mom or dad and I don't want her to think she can't talk to me honestly.