New wife blaming the kid

[witchywen]

What is the name of your state? CA

My two daughters, aged 12 & 13 1/2 just completed their first 2 week visit to their father. They were down agin for the 2nd 2 weeks when I got a call on Monday (3 days into visit). Their father wanted me to pick-up our eldest because they couldn't deal with her anymore. Oldest wanted to come home. When we met my Youngest jumped out of car and said she was coming too. Father said she could also go home.

Father said that Oldest is out of control. A danger to her sister and other children. Even went so far as to say they feel the need to hide the kitchen knives! New wife then called me (she has refused to have any contact with me for the year they have been together). She says she is worried about Oldest. Father and Wife met with church counsellor (not with daughter) and counsellor says sounds like there may be some sychyzophernia (sp?). She is requesting my help to have Oldest get psych evaluation. They are refusing anymore visitation with oldest until this happens.

My daughters have both been in counselling. The Oldest has had the most. She is EXTREMELY angry with father and his lack of care and sever favoritism of Youngest. Father has refused to participate in counselling. Daughters recently given a "clean bill" of health and counselling is over. My husband and I have had to learn new methods of parenting (oldest has very high IQ and is exceptionally artistically talented. She is a very challenging (yet rewarding!) child who requires a lot of time).

Father has had 6 hours of visitation on saturdays for last 4 1/2 years. Recently went to court and he got everyother weekend and 1 month in summer. He also moved 200 miles away from girls. Called them from the new Wife's (then girlfriend) house where he had moved to. That is how the girls found out about the move. No discussion. Father also has a 4 year old who is severly mentally and physically handicapped that he has no contact with and has lost parental rights to. Mother of the son and I try to get the children toghether as often as possible to keep a realtionship going.

I don't want daughter to have eval. I think this would be cruel to her. She is doing great at home and school. I think this is Father and Wife's problem and they should seek counselling for themselves. Daughter's do not want to go down for forced visitation. They want some say. I need help. Has anyone gone through this, or have any ideas what I can do/read/go? I am going to see an attorney next week, but anything I can come up with before than would be so appreciated. I'm sure you'll have questions.

 

[JaneyS4]

What sort of custody agreement do you have? I don't think, unless it specifically states he can demand such things that he can make you take you're daughter to another eval. I'd consult the lawyer to be sure, but I am betting he's going to tell you the same thing. Just say no.

If they refuse to have visitation with the kids till this gets done, and the kids don't want to go, then I think the problem is solved there. They don't want them, the kids don't want to go. Let it lay.

IF anything gets said about it, remind your ex that you have a counselers written statement that your daughter has a clean bill of health and that he should have joined in as he was asked if he wanted to resolve the issues between them. I don't think I would object if he wanted to start some sort of joint counseling with your daughter though. Maybe it will help her resolve her anger.

 

[witchywen]

Hi Janey,

We have joint legal custody. I have primary physical custody. The problem is they are only refusing visitation of the oldest daughter. I think that would be horrible to split the girls, and I don't want that to happen. When they are together I know they are watching out for each other. I also feel that they want to make a case of getting custody of the youngest. Just intuition mind you, from certain things he has said.

I would agree to family counselling, but I would want it done here with a counsellor that our pediatrician would recommend (our current counsellor has retired). Do you think the court would go for something like that?

 

[JaneyS4]

I think that a court might go for that. It's sort of hard to say. I guess it would depend on if the father can show cause why he couldn't do it there.

I don't think I would worry too awful much about him taking custody of the youngest. As long as you have a written statement from the counseler that your daughter is fine, and she's doing so well in other areas, I don't think he has much of a case. The lawyer is a good idea though. In case they do try.

I don't know what to tell you about sending the youngest for visitation. Is he likely to Force her to go, if she doesn't want to?

 

[kidoday]

Sounds easy to me. Since he has commented that he is refusing visitation until psych evaluation don't force the visitation. Sounds like her really can't or doesn't want to handle her.

If she has a clean bill of health, don't worry about custody of younger daughter. He is using her "mental" problem as a way of taking the easy road out for not wanting visitation. The less he visits them, the less he has a chance of custody.

Make sure to document each conversation with him. This will help later on when he tries to claim you denied visitation. It is best to have a 3rd party witness when he does or doesn't pick up the girls.

Sorry this has to be so hard on you and the girls.

Good Luck.

 

[witchywen]

He would force the younger one to go. They were supposed to be down there until the 8th of this month. Then regular weekend visitation starts again on the 23rd. I don't think I would be in violation of the court order (since he is the one that sent them home) if I just assume that they won't go down there again (at least the youngest) until the 23rd. That gives me three full weeks to get things in motion.

I know how important it is for children to have a relationship with both parents. I have always supported the girls seeing their dad (as long as the visits were short). Do you think that it is bad if the girls decide they don't want to see him, or if they do, they only want it to be short visitation on their home turf? That seems to be what the girls want. It isn't that they don't love their dad, they do, but they hate being forced into the environment at their dad's house. I guess dad and wife constantly fight and cuss at each other and there is a 15 year old step-brother who causes a lot off stress and discord with the girls. He picks on both of them a lot (and I mean physically picks on them pinching and punching and pushing).

I am just in a pickle because I don't want to be accused of trying to keep the girls from their dad, but I think this is such an unhealthy environment for the girls and I think the stuff that is happening now is indicative of how unhealthy it is.

And don't worry, documentation is now my middle name!

arrrggghhh!

 

[JaneyS4]

Hmmm....

Keeping the younger one home would be harder. Maybe you have enough documentation of unsuitable stuff happening that you could possibly refile for supervised or shorter visits again? I would think the punching and pushing stuff by the 15 year old would be a big help.

I know you can't refuse to let him have his visitation or it makes you look very bad and puts you in contempt of court. You'll have to take it back to court to get any modification. Of course, if he insists on her going, he may find himself having a very bad time, because children who are unhappy tend to make those around them unhappy.

I wish I could offer you something more. Maybe someone else will read this and have an idea for you. Best I can come up with is see that lawyer first thing and see if you've got enough to file for visitation modification again.