No advice needed....just venting

[Rochelle]

I've told you all before that my husband's ex is always trying to pull one stunt after another. Just when you think maybe she's over the divorce and all, she does something else.

Over the summer, his daughter wanted her ears pierced. He was going to take her to have it done at the jewelry store because he felt that would be safer than one of those little shops in the mall and he wanted her to have nice earrings in hopes of avoiding any problems with her ears. I didn't think it was a big deal. He had her for the summer, it was his kid, and he was excited about doing that for her. Well, the ex called to check on the child and the child told her mom that Daddy was taking her to get her ears pierced. Well let me tell you, the defecation sure hit the oscillating unit (the s*** hit the fan) and she told him she did not want the child's ears pierced, that she did not want the trouble of caring for them, that she was too young. He called his attorney who told him that they have joint legal custody, which means no decisions concerning the child can be made without both parents agreeing. And piercing body parts, even ears, or tattooing or anything of that nature, was important enough since it could effect the child's health, that BOTH parents had to agree and since her mother didn't want it done, she could take him to court again. So it didn't get done. When he took his daughter home after the summer visit, his ex called a few days later and said that their child didn't want to come visit anymore because I had been trying to force her to get her ears pierced (I wasn't even there when she and her dad talked about it. They told me about it later) and that I made fun of her for not having pierced ears (I have NO IDEA where that came from).

Well, that happened in July/August. The little girl calls last night and tells her dad that she got her ears pierced. After all that ruckus. My husband is angry because he was told it couldn't be done without both parents consent, and that if he did he'd end up in court and then she turns around and does it. It might seem like a small thing, but it's stuff like this that causes turmoil.

 

[Rochelle]

Get this! My husband just called. His ex called him at work and informed him that he has to give her a check for half the ear piercing bill. She took her to the pediatrician and had it done and he has to pay 1/2 of all medical expenses.

 

[TxStep]

HOW ANNOYING!!! Believe me, I know how you feel sometimes.

Hang in there!

 

[jeanine]

Tell him to fight it - although I imagine the bill can't be that much for an ear piercing. What a witch! If he couldn't do it, then it's likely she should get in trouble for doing it without his consent.

Why, or why do "adults" behave this way? The mom should have just consented to it when he was going to have it done. But no, she had to cause problems when there weren't any. People amaze me time after time. Creating problems when things could really run smoothly for their kids.

 

[Jenifa]

I know you didn't ask for advice, but you did post on an advice board, and being that so many go through being on both sides of the isse, I want to give you at least acknowledgement for you woes.

Your last sentence really said a lot, and I've gotta inform you of something you most likely already know (and it probably irks you even more that she is getting away with it)...you're dealing with the type of ex who thrives on causing "turmoil" in the lives of her ex and spouse. There are just as many of them as there are parents who genuinely look for the best interests of the child and don't get caught up in petty b.s. (and we wonder why we had to get stuck with the psycho kind) Unfortunately, my SD's mother is similar to the one you deal with. Every little thing(especially when it involved her daughter being with me) caused her to switch to 'psycho' mode. The only time she'd have any sort of civilized attitude was when she wanted/needed extra money (which she suckered out of ME many times by using her child as the bait - and I found out recently, she used the money for drugs!!). Now, my SD lives with us (she's 15 now) and she wants me to adopt her...it amazes me how the wheel has spun full circle on her mother, but it did because I remained myself and continued to be the genuinely caring person I always try to be, even to her when I was able. When she would start her b.s., sometimes I would give in and tell her off...and as time progressed, although I would be seething inside, I would act as if what she said or did didn't even phase me (which would piss her off - and in turn it made me feel good b/c she was getting back what she initiated). I hate reacting to other people's attitudes...just because someone else wants to be a _______________ (any negative label will do), doesn't mean I have to conform to their negativity, no matter how tempting. Giving in only further helps them succeed in their goal to cause chaos. It gets easier and easier as time goes by.
I hope you have success in not allowing her to bother you with petty garbage anymore. Happy holidays!!

 

[Jenifa]

pay for ear piercing?

He should refuse to pay 1/2 the ear piercing and tell his child he'll buy her a pair of earrings instead...she'll like that more than him paying for 1/2 the ear piercing, anyway.

I suggested not to let her petty b.s. get to you/your husband, but please don't interpret that as letting her control you/him because I did not mean that at all.

Here's a link to a site I found useful...there should be a link to a message board there also.

http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Plains/6663/


Good luck,
Jenifa

 

[ellencee]

rochelle
I can almost hear the ex-wife's cheering--'got 'em again'!
I wish you and your husband could have just laughed and said OK, I was going to pay the whole cost, but I'll be glad to pay half. Let me speak with (child)' Then, your husband could have oohed and aahed over the earrings. The child would have been elated, and the ex?, well, she wouldn't have had the glow of victory.
Remember, sometimes children put into words what they feel others to be saying through their actions. This child very well may have said she didn't want to go back because of the pressure, but I assure you, she meant all of the pressure, including mom's.
And, the child may have said you made fun of her because she felt humiliated over the way her parents argued over earrings (children don't see past the earrings), and incorrectly assumed you made fun of her in your mind.
In other words, the parents made the little girl feel like a 'fool' because she couldn't even get her ears pierced without a fight, and it embarrased her in front of you. Which, by the way, is a compliment to you; the child cares what you think of her.
You must be a special step-mom.

 

[GSTANLFIELD]

My husband's ex did the same thing. She pitched a tantrum when we took my Sd to get her ears pierced. Then she made her take the ear rings out and let the holes grow up. Then she turned around and took her to have it done. It is just the simple fact that she was not the one who took her.

But regarding the doctor bill, that would be considered cosmetic and he is probably not going to be required to pay it. If he agrees to pay anything at all, it should be equal to what he would have paid at the jewelry store if she had not made an issue of it. A doctor is probably charging out the a** for it.

 

[Rochelle]

Thanks for all your support. Honestly, sometimes I feel like just crying "uncle!" and giving up. At least maybe he'd get some relief from her when she didn't have me to hate. I love my husband very much, and no matter how good I am to their little girl, I am constantly belittled and attacked. She did attack me physically once and my husband asked me not to press charges because he was afraid of what that would do the child emotionally and how it would effect our relationship as she would always think of me as the woman who put her mommy in jail.

She has a new boyfriend now, and he is a divorced father of 3. You would think she'd see what he goes thru with his ex; she lives on the Gulf Coast and he only sees the girls every other month, and understand how difficult it is not to be with the kids every day.

She is just determind to be a b****. I get so tired of trying. But it's good to know you understand. I don't want to have any contact with the woman...the child is their's to make decisions about and I stay out of it. But even that doesn't please her.

 

[lcollins]

Just hang in there! When I met my (now ex) husband, his first wife hated the sight of me. For the longest time he would have to drop me off at a store down the road from her house while he picked up his son, or she would refuse to let the child go with him. Now, however, my ex-husband just divorced his 3rd wife. His first wife and I arrange our own visitation for our children to see each other. We're currently trying to find and reach ex#3. Almost like that 1st Wives Club, huh?!!? You never know. Eventually, maybe she'll mature and get over it, when she's happy with her own "new" life, and she realizes how good you are to her child. You never know! I'd would have never guessed about me and ex#1.

 

[Grandma B]

Just one comment: Ear piercing is NOT a medical expense. I don't care who does the piercing!

 

[Rochelle]

After I read the replies about ear piercing being cosmetic and all that, I told my husband that I wasn't sure he DID have to pay 1/2 of the cost. He called to speak with his little girl last night and she told him that one ear was already hurting and she didn't want the ear rings anymore. He picks her up tonight for his Christmas vacation. I hope her ear isn't getting infected. That happened to my daughter when she got the second hole in her ears. It's miserable.

 

[ellencee]

Rochelle
Clean that ear good with some peroxide and a q-tip so you can clean the ear-ring, too. and, put some triple antibiotic ointment on the area, sliding the ear-ring in and out of the ointment. It should clear right up. (I give you credit for having enough sense to make sure she's not allergic to it, first, but I MUST say be sure!)
If there is a build-up of pus and the pressure is what's hurting, after you clean it good, you could use a warm, wet cloth and gently express out the pus. You'll use good judgement, I'm sure.
I hope everyone has wonderful holidays at both of this little girls homes.

 

[Rochelle]

Thanks, I will. Have a great holiday and I hope Santa is good to you!