No rights vs. questions

[coolmomof4]

What is the name of your state? GA

Not necessarily a legal question, but need some advice anyway...

My ex signed over his rights to my daughter when she was 4. She's now 9. He hasn't had any contact with her directly since she was 18 months old. My husband of 5 years adopted her in '98.

I've just recently told my daughter about her bio dad, in terms she could understand w/o giving too much ugly detail. My ex has several other children in and out of wedlock besides my daughter. She is asking questions about these kids (she doesn't know the extent of it tho). I thought I would call him and ask to send pictures of these kids (the ones he considers his anyway). Is this a good idea, or no?

 

[Lil Miss Smarty Panties]

Oh my gosh, I think thats a question only you can answer. We don't know your ex or what he's like or if he'd try to use this to open up a relationship with your daughter. But if he would simply say "sure I'll send some pictures", then leave it at that, I would say it would be great. She's obviously curious about her siblings, who wouldn't be? I wouldn't tell your daughter you have requested pictures though, just in case he doesn't send them.

 

[mrseld]

If you thought the day might come when she would be curious and want info is one thing. Why did you bother terminating the parental rights, with his consent, if you were just going to get all this going again?

Doesn't "termination" mean it's gone and over? Why open that up? Isn't that a decision for you and her ADOPTIVE father to make together? What does he say?

My OPINION and only my OPINION is let it go. It's been done for a while. Answer her questions and perhaps show her photos of him, but keep it limited to your relationship with him. She needs to be older before she trys to seek him and her siblings out. But that is just my OPINION.

You know your family better than I do. Do what's best for you. Good luck

 

[coolmomof4]

The day HAS come when she is wanting info.

He terminated his rights. Not me. If he says NO fine by me. Just thought I'd give him the opportunity.

 

[stealth2]

I think you should do what feels right to you. Good luck.

 

[coolmomof4]

Mrseld:

After reading your post again, I felt I needed to add something:

"get this all going again?" All what? I have spoken to my ex 2X times in the last 8 years. Once about terminating his rights, which he immediately agreed to. (He called ME asking if I thought my husband would take good care of her; when I said yes, he said I could pick up the papers tomorrow) The second time was at the advice of my daughter's school counselor and family therapist, in order to get his medical history.

My husband (her ADOPTIVE father is fine with being open and honest with her about her history, in order help with any sense of belonging on her part. We are a blended family in every sense, His mine and ours. She is not asking to seek out her "siblings" She is curious about what they look like.

 

[TazTaz2T]

My children,all grown now,Knew I had a relationship involving another women w/ another child,after I and my X split.

Jr. remembers holding his Step brother, when step brother was a baby.( he was a young boy ).

The children from my marrage,are/have been trying to contact their step brother,so they show interest.

If your child's bio dad would agree to give names , addresses,and photos,I see nothing wrong w/ it.

The Step children may be just as curious as this child.
They may even want to talk to bio Dad one day.

Of course we don't know the issues as you do.

 

[mrseld]

Let me say what someone on this site said to me once. You will get an answer, NOT NECESSAIRLY the answer you WANT TO HEAR/READ...but an answer.

It was just my feeling that if if you two agreed to TERMINATE his parental rights, then terminate them. He's gone. Bye-Bye. Let it go. That was my point.

Why dangle a man in front of your daughter that isn't any legal relation to her that willing rid himself of her? It's obvious he didn't want to be bothered with her, so why "get all this going"? That was my OPINION. If you don't want random opinions, don't ask for them.

I was polite about it telling you to "do what's best for you" and "Good Luck". I also said that my previous post was just my personal "opinion". So you didn't have to be so condesending and snappish.

 

[stealth2]

Many adopted children are interested in their bio-parent(s), so this isn't all that unusual, mrseld.

 

[coolmomof4]

Mrseld...

Sorry, maybe I read your first response wrong. See there are a lot of people on several forums who make condescending and snappish remarks, then politely say "Good luck" at the end. Sticking a polite word or two at the end doesn't make the entire post before it polite.

 

[mrseld]

And I too apoloigze. I know what you mean about the posts. It's hard to tell sometimes. Do what you think is best for you and if the situation ever comes up again, I will try to be alittle better about letting you know that I sincerely hope your situation works out to what is best for you and your daughter.

 

[Norsewife]

I am an adult who at the age of 4 was adopted by a very loving step father. The man my children call grandpa. My biological father and I met once when I was 16 and then at age 18 and I can honestly say I was not all that impressed. He was ok, had a good job wasnt creepy, but he admitted he had given all my step siblings up for adoption also. About 10 years ago my older brother found me. I had been an only child until then. My brothers children look like mine. My brother likes the things I like. I am glad I know him. His older brother is not that interested in me but I have seen pictures and there is a resemblance. There are two other siblings I know of but have not been able to find. Once I had my own kids something very deep inside of me wanted to know about my biological family and genetically it has been good to be in touch for medical reasons. If your daughter is curious about her siblings and you see no danger in providing her with more info more power to you. I say Bravo! I probably would have been much more interested in my biological father if my parents had acted like I should not be. If you husband is secure more power to him, it took my real dad (adoptive dad) awhile being old school like was and all, but I am thankful he kept his insecurities to himself because in the end I know who raised and loved me.

 

[CMSC]

Me being an adoptee who just found her birth family AND found I have full and half siblings, I would recommend you do this carefully. But DO NOT just ignore your child's curiousity. It is a wonderful thing to find relatives, but sometime's you aren't wanted and you need to prepare your child for that. Alot of time nobody knows about you and they will turn you away in a heart beat.
As for contacting dad about the siblings, what about the mothers of the children or dad's family? Maybe some of them would like to get you pictures.

 

[coolmomof4]

ryry:

I agree. She is only 9, so I think she's really more curious about what they look like. I have told her in ways she can understand that he has some problems and didn't want to take care of us, etc. So she knows he's far from perfect. In fact when she asked where he lives and I told her NC, she said she didn't ever want to go back there. I had to reassure her NC is a big state. We probably wouldn't run into him.

I only know how to reach 2 of the women. One won't return my calls (we used to be friends, so I don't know what that's about. She asked me for pictures of my daughter for her daughter and I sent her some at Christmas. She said she would send me some, but never did) and the other is the one he just left, so I feel even more weird about contacting her now.