Not a legal question, but advice appreciated

[txrose1998]

What is the name of your state? TX

This is on behalf of my sister....

Her soon to be 13 year old daughter has lately been raising a fuss about visiting her. Not to my sister's face, but to her stepmother, ect... The daughter says she hates having to turn down plans with friends and be made to go when the courts say so and not when she wants to. Of course, this is not for her to decide, but my sister hates feeling like the ogre in this scenario. What would be the best way to approach this? MY sister wants to talk to her daughter, but does not want to come across as mean....

Anybody out there who has been through this...?

 

[CJane]

This was my answer (and the only one you got) to the exact same thread 2 weeks ago...

https://forum.freeadvice.com/showthread.php?t=380417

What's the current schedule?

Kiddo shouldn't have to 'change plans' to see her mother. She shouldn't be MAKING plans on Mom's time w/out consulting Mom... and she's well past old enough to understand that.

I'd additionally add the question of distance between parents. Is there a logistical reason the kid can't see her friends on mom's time?

 

[txrose1998]

Thanks CJ and I apologize for the duplicate thread....

True, she should not make plans on mom's time, but they are kids and "overnights" tend to come up at the last minute...

My sister currently lives about 100 miles from her daughter....so logistically, she cannot see her friends on mom's time....

It is just tearing my sister apart and she is not sure what to say....

 

[CJane]

Thanks CJ and I apologize for the duplicate thread....

True, she should not make plans on mom's time, but they are kids and "overnights" tend to come up at the last minute...

My sister currently lives about 100 miles from her daughter....so logistically, she cannot see her friends on mom's time....

It is just tearing my sister apart and she is not sure what to say....

Well, granted, my kids aren't teenagers yet...

But I live 8 miles from their dad and most of their friends. If something comes up 'last minute' and it's not ok with me, I simply let the kids know it's not ok with me. I don't really owe them an explanation for my 'no'... and they don't really expect one.

I don't think it should really matter if it's 10 miles or 100 miles or the same neighborhood. Mom needs to explain to daughter that their time together is limited and unless she gets plenty of notice and doesn't have other plans, it's going to be no - just as it would be if they lived together all the time. I'm sure Dad says no occasionally.

 

[txrose1998]

I do understand what you are saying....

however, dad probably does not say "no" at lot.....my sister's ex has dragged her back into court more times than I can count....the overall objective is to erase one parent from the picture....

They are so intent on taking whatever they can to make the other one look bad, so dad will use this to his advantage....

Sorry, I know I am just venting here....but I feel so badly for my neice because I want through the same thing when I was her age and would do anything to save her the additional heartache....

 

[tuffbrk]

My son's Best Friend's (BF) parents were divorced.

NCP lived in NY (Long Island), we lived in NJ. When sports practices/games were not an issue, my son would accompany his BF to NCP's for an overnight. Child knew no one in NCP's neighborhood, didn't mind time with Dad, but did mind time with Dad when Dad's GF intruded. Told NCP if he could have a friend over, why couldn't he have a friend too? So - off went my son about every 6 wks or so.

Your sis may want to suggest that instead of staying at so & so's house, that so & so come over to her place for a sleep over for a change. Call so & so's parents and see if something can be set up. May help, can't hurt.

 

[Inquiry123]

Devil's Advocate

My sister currently lives about 100 miles from her daughter....so logistically, she cannot see her friends on mom's time....

It is just tearing my sister apart and she is not sure what to say....

TX: As a dad, I got to say 'no' a million times to my kids. Now that they're teens, I find myself having to get some advice on communication beyond 'no'. Maybe I'm getting old...maybe I'm just tired...but OCCASIONALLY, I find myself saying 'YES!'

Avoid the teen power-struggle scene. Since it's your sister's time, she gets to make the decision -- a 'yes' still leaves your sis in control.

Some of my kids are over 1000 miles away. I've flown to see them for only a few hours some weekends when they had other plans during "my time" now that they're teens.

 

[Inquiry123]

...the overall objective is to erase one parent from the picture....

Welcome to my world!

It can be a difficult balancing act even in intact families, though.

Good luck.

 

[txrose1998]

Welcome to my world!

It can be a difficult balancing act even in intact families, though.

Good luck.

It is hard...seeing as I lived it and she is going through it now....

Does anyone advocate letting children in their teenage years set their own schedule with their parents? I know this may sound ludicrous....but I just wondered....