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http://www.star-telegram.com/family_day/story/215841.html
Balancing act
Don't let the kids get caught in the middle of your breakup. Here's some expert advice to help children of divorce start school on solid ground.
By CATHY FRISINGER
Special to the Star-Telegram
Author Paula Egner recalls one horrible day when she and her ex-husband, who had joint custody of their young son, got their wires crossed and neither was there to pick up the 6-year-old after school. The boy stayed with his teacher till 9 that night.
Divorce causes all kinds of complications in children's lives. Stepparents can be a positive addition to the equation but can add to the confusion. And when the children head off to school, the potential for problems -- band instruments left at the wrong house, divorced parents feuding at school functions -- only follows them.
The main thing to remember, say parenting experts, including psychologist Phil McGraw of CBS' Dr. Phil show, is that everyone -- biological parents, stepparents and the school -- should be allies, with their united goal being the well-being of the child.
"You know, I think one of the things that frustrates me the most is when husbands and wives get divorced and use the child as a battleground," McGraw says.
Feeling a little bitter toward that ex? Put those feelings away and instead share your pride in the child you created together. And with classes having started this week for most area students, here's some just-in-time help for blended families trying to set rules for negotiating another new school year.
1. Tell the school about all the players in the child's life
Your first opportunity for communicating well with the school comes on that very first day when the child brings home an emergency contact card to be filled out. Faye Musselman, an eighth-grade counselor at T.A. Howard Middle School in the Mansfield school district, says it's important that the family provide the school with information about all the key adults in the child's life -- at the beginning of the school year.
"The school sends home, every year, some emergency forms for the parent to fill out. If they leave off information about a stepparent, then we can't legally release the child to that person," Musselman says.
The relationships to the child should be made clear on the card. And information about noncustodial parents who live in another city should be included on the card as well. If changes in the household arrangements occur, let the school know.
As McGraw says: "I've talked to so many teachers who will tell you, the more information they have, they more insight they have into what the child is dealing with, the better job they can do of dealing with the child."
"We always went in at the beginning of the year and talked to teachers and explained the situation," says Danielle Snailer, an Arlington mother who helped raise two stepchildren. "The teachers don't judge. They just want to know the best way to handle the situation."
2. Divorced parents should share all school-related information -- even if they don't want to.
"Field trip to Log Cabin Village." "Awards assembly Thursday." "Your child is failing math."
"Information is power. In adversarial relationship, parents will withhold information about assemblies or award ceremonies or other important things," says Jann Blackstone-Ford, co-author of the column Ex-Etiquette, which appears Tuesdays in the Star-Telegram.
Withholding information, though, only hurts the child, experts agree.
"So often the custodial parent will have that information and not relay it to the noncustodial parent if there's animosity, and then the child thinks the noncustodial parent doesn't care," says Paula Egner, author of Ex-Wives and Ex-Lives.
Sometimes it's not hostility but simply busy lives that keep two households from communicating.
So, should parents request that school notices be sent to both households?
McGraw says that asking for information to be doubled up is asking too much of schools. "It's up to the parents to share that. We don't want to burden the teachers with trying to track down all that information. They need to have a parent checkpoint."
But Blackstone-Ford recommends that parents ask that important information be relayed to both families. And Musselman says e-mail has made communications much easier, and that most teachers are happy to send out an e-mail to two addresses. Some of the most important information -- grades, for instance -- are now available online in many school districts. Both parents need to take the initiative to sign up so they can access that information.
3. After-school rules should be consistent in both households.
If a child has been grounded for failing a class by one parent but is allowed to go out with friends when he's staying with the other one it's difficult for the child.
"You have to have consistency and predictability in both homes," McGraw says. "If you don't, you may think you're endearing yourself to that child but you're doing them harm because they never know where the fence lines are. We can't have this good cop, bad cop thing."
There is some disagreement among the experts about the stepparents' role in setting rules and disciplining, but most think that the biological parents need to be the ones setting the rules.
"The parent needs to be the primary determinant of what the standards are going to be. You hope the stepparent will support that and be consistent with that, but it has to be the biological parent that makes the determination with the stepparent being in a support role," McGraw says.
For instance, if a child is shirking homework and the biological parent is away from home a lot, the stepparent may need to step in, but in general, discipline should be left to the biological parent, Enger says.
4. Organization is even more important when there are two homes involved
Getting out the door in the morning with breakfast in the child, homework in the backpack, soccer shoes in the gym bag, field trip money in the envelope and lunch in the paper sack is daunting for any family. When two households are involved, it's that much more complicated.
An item that a child needs at school Thursday, when he's at Mom's house, may have been left at Dad's house Tuesday.
Blackstone-Ford says parents shouldn't have to buy two musical instruments, or two sets of athletic gear, but it is essential that they be organized.
Have a spot where the saxophone, soccer shoes, backpack -- anything that has to go back and forth between houses -- is always placed, so it never gets lost. Talk about what's coming up in the week and plan, especially if there is any midweek switching of homes for the child.
5. Work out school-related disagreements without the child getting involved
One North Texas household always sends the child off to school with a lunchbox, and the child's other household doesn't. The one that packs a lunch doesn't think it should have to pay for part of a school lunch card.
Conflicts over little issues like this arise regularly when a child has two families. What parents may not realize, though, is how much harm they can cause the child by squabbling.
Blackstone-Ford says it's crucial that conflicts be resolved out of earshot of the child. She and Sharyl Jude, who co-writes the Ex-Etiquette column, used to meet at a pizza parlor to work out any problems in their blended family. Being in a public place helps people keep tempers in check, she says. She also recommends bringing a photo of the child to the chosen negotiation spot and placing it on the table, just to keep everyone focused on what's important.
6. Put aside your differences for school assemblies and performances
Blackstone-Ford tells a story about a young boy whose divorced parents were feuding bitterly. The boy was in a baseball game, and both sets of parents came to watch but sat as far apart from each other as possible. The child hit a home run, and in his excitement turned and looked into the stands for congratulations from his parents. He looked one way, then turned and looked in the other direction. Then, confused and not knowing which parent to look at, he sat down on the field and cried.
The point of her story is that it's all about the child, Blackstone-Ford says.
Whether everyone attends school events or whether the parents take turns depends on the families and how well they get along. However, the more the parents and stepparents can present a united front of support for the child, the better off the child will be.
Teacher conferences are a slightly different animal, though, than a school play or a basketball game.
"I think, for teacher conferences, it's great if the two biological parents can be there together," McGraw says. "Barring that, the custodial parent and the partner can certainly attend the conference. You should not send a stepparent alone to attend conferences; that biological parent should be there, even if they have to take a day off work."
7. The stepparent should be allowed to participate, too
When Danielle Snailer's stepson was in school, she accompanied his class on field trips on several occasions. "Teachers really appreciate it when you're involved in a child's life and they don't care if you are the legal parent or not," she says.
Jealousy can sometimes arise if, say, a biological mother has a job and a stepmom doesn't and therefore has much more time to spend at a child's school as a room parent or field-trip chaperone. It's up to the stepparent to be sensitive about such circumstances and to back off if it's causing a problem, the experts say, but generally they encourage stepparent involvement.
"From the school point of view, the more involved the family, the better the students do, " says Mansfield counselor Musselman.
http://www.star-telegram.com/family_day/story/215841.html
Balancing act
Don't let the kids get caught in the middle of your breakup. Here's some expert advice to help children of divorce start school on solid ground.
By CATHY FRISINGER
Special to the Star-Telegram
Author Paula Egner recalls one horrible day when she and her ex-husband, who had joint custody of their young son, got their wires crossed and neither was there to pick up the 6-year-old after school. The boy stayed with his teacher till 9 that night.
Divorce causes all kinds of complications in children's lives. Stepparents can be a positive addition to the equation but can add to the confusion. And when the children head off to school, the potential for problems -- band instruments left at the wrong house, divorced parents feuding at school functions -- only follows them.
The main thing to remember, say parenting experts, including psychologist Phil McGraw of CBS' Dr. Phil show, is that everyone -- biological parents, stepparents and the school -- should be allies, with their united goal being the well-being of the child.
"You know, I think one of the things that frustrates me the most is when husbands and wives get divorced and use the child as a battleground," McGraw says.
Feeling a little bitter toward that ex? Put those feelings away and instead share your pride in the child you created together. And with classes having started this week for most area students, here's some just-in-time help for blended families trying to set rules for negotiating another new school year.
1. Tell the school about all the players in the child's life
Your first opportunity for communicating well with the school comes on that very first day when the child brings home an emergency contact card to be filled out. Faye Musselman, an eighth-grade counselor at T.A. Howard Middle School in the Mansfield school district, says it's important that the family provide the school with information about all the key adults in the child's life -- at the beginning of the school year.
"The school sends home, every year, some emergency forms for the parent to fill out. If they leave off information about a stepparent, then we can't legally release the child to that person," Musselman says.
The relationships to the child should be made clear on the card. And information about noncustodial parents who live in another city should be included on the card as well. If changes in the household arrangements occur, let the school know.
As McGraw says: "I've talked to so many teachers who will tell you, the more information they have, they more insight they have into what the child is dealing with, the better job they can do of dealing with the child."
"We always went in at the beginning of the year and talked to teachers and explained the situation," says Danielle Snailer, an Arlington mother who helped raise two stepchildren. "The teachers don't judge. They just want to know the best way to handle the situation."
2. Divorced parents should share all school-related information -- even if they don't want to.
"Field trip to Log Cabin Village." "Awards assembly Thursday." "Your child is failing math."
"Information is power. In adversarial relationship, parents will withhold information about assemblies or award ceremonies or other important things," says Jann Blackstone-Ford, co-author of the column Ex-Etiquette, which appears Tuesdays in the Star-Telegram.
Withholding information, though, only hurts the child, experts agree.
"So often the custodial parent will have that information and not relay it to the noncustodial parent if there's animosity, and then the child thinks the noncustodial parent doesn't care," says Paula Egner, author of Ex-Wives and Ex-Lives.
Sometimes it's not hostility but simply busy lives that keep two households from communicating.
So, should parents request that school notices be sent to both households?
McGraw says that asking for information to be doubled up is asking too much of schools. "It's up to the parents to share that. We don't want to burden the teachers with trying to track down all that information. They need to have a parent checkpoint."
But Blackstone-Ford recommends that parents ask that important information be relayed to both families. And Musselman says e-mail has made communications much easier, and that most teachers are happy to send out an e-mail to two addresses. Some of the most important information -- grades, for instance -- are now available online in many school districts. Both parents need to take the initiative to sign up so they can access that information.
3. After-school rules should be consistent in both households.
If a child has been grounded for failing a class by one parent but is allowed to go out with friends when he's staying with the other one it's difficult for the child.
"You have to have consistency and predictability in both homes," McGraw says. "If you don't, you may think you're endearing yourself to that child but you're doing them harm because they never know where the fence lines are. We can't have this good cop, bad cop thing."
There is some disagreement among the experts about the stepparents' role in setting rules and disciplining, but most think that the biological parents need to be the ones setting the rules.
"The parent needs to be the primary determinant of what the standards are going to be. You hope the stepparent will support that and be consistent with that, but it has to be the biological parent that makes the determination with the stepparent being in a support role," McGraw says.
For instance, if a child is shirking homework and the biological parent is away from home a lot, the stepparent may need to step in, but in general, discipline should be left to the biological parent, Enger says.
4. Organization is even more important when there are two homes involved
Getting out the door in the morning with breakfast in the child, homework in the backpack, soccer shoes in the gym bag, field trip money in the envelope and lunch in the paper sack is daunting for any family. When two households are involved, it's that much more complicated.
An item that a child needs at school Thursday, when he's at Mom's house, may have been left at Dad's house Tuesday.
Blackstone-Ford says parents shouldn't have to buy two musical instruments, or two sets of athletic gear, but it is essential that they be organized.
Have a spot where the saxophone, soccer shoes, backpack -- anything that has to go back and forth between houses -- is always placed, so it never gets lost. Talk about what's coming up in the week and plan, especially if there is any midweek switching of homes for the child.
5. Work out school-related disagreements without the child getting involved
One North Texas household always sends the child off to school with a lunchbox, and the child's other household doesn't. The one that packs a lunch doesn't think it should have to pay for part of a school lunch card.
Conflicts over little issues like this arise regularly when a child has two families. What parents may not realize, though, is how much harm they can cause the child by squabbling.
Blackstone-Ford says it's crucial that conflicts be resolved out of earshot of the child. She and Sharyl Jude, who co-writes the Ex-Etiquette column, used to meet at a pizza parlor to work out any problems in their blended family. Being in a public place helps people keep tempers in check, she says. She also recommends bringing a photo of the child to the chosen negotiation spot and placing it on the table, just to keep everyone focused on what's important.
6. Put aside your differences for school assemblies and performances
Blackstone-Ford tells a story about a young boy whose divorced parents were feuding bitterly. The boy was in a baseball game, and both sets of parents came to watch but sat as far apart from each other as possible. The child hit a home run, and in his excitement turned and looked into the stands for congratulations from his parents. He looked one way, then turned and looked in the other direction. Then, confused and not knowing which parent to look at, he sat down on the field and cried.
The point of her story is that it's all about the child, Blackstone-Ford says.
Whether everyone attends school events or whether the parents take turns depends on the families and how well they get along. However, the more the parents and stepparents can present a united front of support for the child, the better off the child will be.
Teacher conferences are a slightly different animal, though, than a school play or a basketball game.
"I think, for teacher conferences, it's great if the two biological parents can be there together," McGraw says. "Barring that, the custodial parent and the partner can certainly attend the conference. You should not send a stepparent alone to attend conferences; that biological parent should be there, even if they have to take a day off work."
7. The stepparent should be allowed to participate, too
When Danielle Snailer's stepson was in school, she accompanied his class on field trips on several occasions. "Teachers really appreciate it when you're involved in a child's life and they don't care if you are the legal parent or not," she says.
Jealousy can sometimes arise if, say, a biological mother has a job and a stepmom doesn't and therefore has much more time to spend at a child's school as a room parent or field-trip chaperone. It's up to the stepparent to be sensitive about such circumstances and to back off if it's causing a problem, the experts say, but generally they encourage stepparent involvement.
"From the school point of view, the more involved the family, the better the students do, " says Mansfield counselor Musselman.
