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ninalee

Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? WI

I apologize in advance as I know this will be long. I'm probably gonna ramble a bit, but I don't know exactly what is and what isn't relevant...so here goes...

My Son is 2.5. My Son's father takes him every other weekend (court order pending, papers have been signed).

Dad works from his home. There are weekends he skips because he is so busy with work, and he nearly always wants to meet up early to bring him back to me. When I get our Son back, he's usually got a full, wet diaper, and is still in his pajamas. I would pack an overnight bag with clothes for the next day and a sippy cup (we meet half way, it's over an hours drive). I now have to buy more pants and cups because I don't get them all back. I told him I was going to stop packing the bag because he wasn't sending things back...problem with that is then he had a place to go right after picking up our Son and didn't bring a bag either. I felt bad for my Son because his Dad didn't pack a bag with diapers or snacks, and Dad got on me for refusing to bring it. He blamed me saying "You know I'm no good at remembering this stuff, I don't have time to run home, now our Son will have to deal with a dirty diaper and no snacks, thanks a lot..." So I'm back to packing bags, I just stopped packing pants. Figure he has enough.

When Dad and I were together, he did not provide care for our child, I was a stay at home Mom and that was "my job". He loves him and all, I don't doubt that, loved seeing him around the house, and hugged and would toss him about for a minute or two here and there. But he never changed diapers, bathed him, fed him, read books, tucked him in...none of that. Recently I stayed and visited at Dad's house because his Dad wanted me to watch a certain movie...we're still relatively "friends". Anyway, I took that night as an opportunity to hang out and see what goes on there now. He had his handgun up on a shelf. Far from our two year olds grasp, but still. I recommended a safe, he said he'd keep it in his bedroom closet from now on. It is loaded. That didn't sit well with me at all.

He was on the computer in his office most of the time while I was there, just as he always was back in the day, maybe because he felt since I was there I'd care for our Son, or maybe that's just what he always does anyway. When it came time for bed I didn't intervene, because I was really curious as to what the routine was there.

At my home I have our Son in bed asleep by 10pm no later. We read books and this calms him, and I've shared our nightly routine with Dad. Well, by 11:30pm at Dad's house our Son was still walking around over tired to the point of bouts of crying, he was so obviously ready for bed. I went ahead then and asked when he planned on tucking him in. Dad said "Oh, I just let him stay up until he passes out." I started to tell him that really is no good for our Son, but he told me to not butt in to what he does on his time, let him do what works for him. So I just went ahead and tucked him in myself. Dad had no problem with that.

That explained a lot, because for at least three days after I get our Son back he's terribly difficult at bedtime, and my Daycare provider even notices the difference in his naps and behavior in the days after Daddy's weekends. He is fine again eventually, after I reset the routine, until Daddy's weekend arrives again. Explaining this to Dad has done me no good, he says that routines aren't as necessary as people think. "He'll survive" Is what I generally get.

He works online from home, and he's a work addict...he'll work all day, only stopping to sleep. He tells me this himself, like he's proud of it. He works odd hours, sometimes all night and sleeps a good part of the day, so he has a hard time adjusting to his weekends with our Son. I suggested to him to schedule his work hours so that he'd have time for his Son at least...but he finds his work too important to stop. He's invested a ton of money into it and isn't making enough of a profit from it yet. His site has a chat board on it and I can see when he's online. On his weekends with our Son I can't help but peek on his site throughout the day to see if he is on it. 9 times out of 10 he is actively on his site, sometimes even commenting about how our Son is bothering him to get off the computer.

I know he gets to parent as he wants to on his time...but I feel terrible for our Son because I really feel he is being neglected when there. When we lived together my eleven year old daughter would be there to care for our Son if I had to leave the house without them. My daughter is from a previous relationship. She told me he'd never leave the office and wouldn't do anything until our Son was finally having to demand attention for a diaper change or food. That was before he had his online business even...he is addicted to being online and watching tv. Now that it's just Daddy and our Son, I'm concerned.

He says he wants to possibly move out of State soon, back to where he's from, about 1000 miles away, and if I say no he'll take me back to court to try and change the order to be able to have our Son for chunks of the year. He wants 50% custody eventually he says.

To be honest, I don't even want him to have his overnights every other weekend anymore at this point, but I don't see how I could convince the judge of otherwise now that I've already agreed to it. I know he has every right to time with our Son, and should have it by all means, but he's not changing his ways it seems at all to adapt to his new single parenting lifestyle. Dummy me actually thought he would.

I got to move out of our County to be closer to my Mother for help...so for that I didn't want to rock the boat too much on the order...he originally wanted me to stay living closer to him and my attorney said he could likely win on that if he fought hard enough. So I just went with it and hoped for the best.

When our Son is older I think it'll be fine, even if Dad just sits on the computer all day. But now, so young, and knowing how his Dad is...I worry about our Son's safety in his house. He could be putting whatever in his mouth, around his neck, playing with whatever...Dad's not paying attention. Plus, since I was also the Maid when I lived there, his house is so nasty now it's unbelieveable. The things he'll let lay around...tools, scissors...I'm constantly putting things away when I stop in. (Though I only have to meet him halfway, I make it a point to visit a friend in the area some weekends so to have a reason to drop our Son off directly. This way I can see whats up at Dad's house but not seem like I'm checking up on him. Yes, I'm nosey and untrusting, I know.)

We do have in the order that the other parent can't move out of state without the others permission. I plan to say no to his moving out of state until our Son is older. I am letting my lawyer go as I can no longer afford him. I paid for all of our legal processes so far, my savings has run dry. I haven't kept a journal, all I have is my word. What do you recommend? If Dad does go ahead and move away, do you think it's likely a judge would allow him to take our Son out there for any amount of time? When our Son is older I could understand that, but now, so young, would a judge really consider that?

I'm scared of representing myself...but I cannot afford to do this any other way. If I thought I had a good chance to win this, I honestly would consider going back and trying to change our current order to daytime visitations only, every weekend...though we live over an hour from eachother I would be willing to do the driving to have him spend 5-8 hours a day Saturday and Sunday with him. I am not trying to be a jerk to Dad, I'm concerned for our Son is all. Is that worth pursuing though? After reading most of what I've read on this site, I fear I may just come off as a controlling Mom trying to get Dad out of the picture...I really am not. The every other weekend sleepover is nothing compared to the thought of him taking him for weeks alone 1000 miles away anyways...that is my main concern.
 


LdiJ

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? WI

Dad works from his home. There are weekends he skips because he is so busy with work, and he nearly always wants to meet up early to bring him back to me. When I get our Son back, he's usually got a full, wet diaper, and is still in his pajamas. I would pack an overnight bag with clothes for the next day and a sippy cup (we meet half way, it's over an hours drive). I now have to buy more pants and cups because I don't get them all back. I told him I was going to stop packing the bag because he wasn't sending things back...problem with that is then he had a place to go right after picking up our Son and didn't bring a bag either. I felt bad for my Son because his Dad didn't pack a bag with diapers or snacks, and Dad got on me for refusing to bring it. He blamed me saying "You know I'm no good at remembering this stuff, I don't have time to run home, now our Son will have to deal with a dirty diaper and no snacks, thanks a lot..." So I'm back to packing bags, I just stopped packing pants. Figure he has enough.
Its a bit neglectful for dad not to change him and dress him before returning him to you, but nothing that a court would take umbrage with. Its best that you pack the bag with necessities. You shouldn't have to, but its best.

When Dad and I were together, he did not provide care for our child, I was a stay at home Mom and that was "my job". He loves him and all, I don't doubt that, loved seeing him around the house, and hugged and would toss him about for a minute or two here and there. But he never changed diapers, bathed him, fed him, read books, tucked him in...none of that. Recently I stayed and visited at Dad's house because his Dad wanted me to watch a certain movie...we're still relatively "friends". Anyway, I took that night as an opportunity to hang out and see what goes on there now. He had his handgun up on a shelf. Far from our two year olds grasp, but still. I recommended a safe, he said he'd keep it in his bedroom closet from now on. It is loaded. That didn't sit well with me at all.
A loaded gun in a house with children, that is not locked in a gun safe is a valid, and serious, issue.

He was on the computer in his office most of the time while I was there, just as he always was back in the day, maybe because he felt since I was there I'd care for our Son, or maybe that's just what he always does anyway. When it came time for bed I didn't intervene, because I was really curious as to what the routine was there.

At my home I have our Son in bed asleep by 10pm no later. We read books and this calms him, and I've shared our nightly routine with Dad. Well, by 11:30pm at Dad's house our Son was still walking around over tired to the point of bouts of crying, he was so obviously ready for bed. I went ahead then and asked when he planned on tucking him in. Dad said "Oh, I just let him stay up until he passes out." I started to tell him that really is no good for our Son, but he told me to not butt in to what he does on his time, let him do what works for him. So I just went ahead and tucked him in myself. Dad had no problem with that.
Dad has the right to do that. There is nothing you can do abut that.

That explained a lot, because for at least three days after I get our Son back he's terribly difficult at bedtime, and my Daycare provider even notices the difference in his naps and behavior in the days after Daddy's weekends. He is fine again eventually, after I reset the routine, until Daddy's weekend arrives again. Explaining this to Dad has done me no good, he says that routines aren't as necessary as people think. "He'll survive" Is what I generally get.
Again, dad has the right to do that.

He works online from home, and he's a work addict...he'll work all day, only stopping to sleep. He tells me this himself, like he's proud of it. He works odd hours, sometimes all night and sleeps a good part of the day, so he has a hard time adjusting to his weekends with our Son. I suggested to him to schedule his work hours so that he'd have time for his Son at least...but he finds his work too important to stop. He's invested a ton of money into it and isn't making enough of a profit from it yet. His site has a chat board on it and I can see when he's online. On his weekends with our Son I can't help but peek on his site throughout the day to see if he is on it. 9 times out of 10 he is actively on his site, sometimes even commenting about how our Son is bothering him to get off the computer.
Again, dad has the right to do that.

I know he gets to parent as he wants to on his time...but I feel terrible for our Son because I really feel he is being neglected when there. When we lived together my eleven year old daughter would be there to care for our Son if I had to leave the house without them. My daughter is from a previous relationship. She told me he'd never leave the office and wouldn't do anything until our Son was finally having to demand attention for a diaper change or food. That was before he had his online business even...he is addicted to being online and watching tv. Now that it's just Daddy and our Son, I'm concerned.
Again, you are just going to have to live with that.

He says he wants to possibly move out of State soon, back to where he's from, about 1000 miles away, and if I say no he'll take me back to court to try and change the order to be able to have our Son for chunks of the year. He wants 50% custody eventually he says.
There is no way that he will ever get 50/50 if he moves out of state. He will get a decent chunk of the school holidays and at least 1/2 of summer, but he won't get 50/50.

To be honest, I don't even want him to have his overnights every other weekend anymore at this point, but I don't see how I could convince the judge of otherwise now that I've already agreed to it. I know he has every right to time with our Son, and should have it by all means, but he's not changing his ways it seems at all to adapt to his new single parenting lifestyle. Dummy me actually thought he would.
Nothing you have stated here (except perhaps the gun issue) would cause a judge to deem him unfit for overnight visitation.

When our Son is older I think it'll be fine, even if Dad just sits on the computer all day. But now, so young, and knowing how his Dad is...I worry about our Son's safety in his house. He could be putting whatever in his mouth, around his neck, playing with whatever...Dad's not paying attention. Plus, since I was also the Maid when I lived there, his house is so nasty now it's unbelieveable. The things he'll let lay around...tools, scissors...I'm constantly putting things away when I stop in. (Though I only have to meet him halfway, I make it a point to visit a friend in the area some weekends so to have a reason to drop our Son off directly. This way I can see whats up at Dad's house but not seem like I'm checking up on him. Yes, I'm nosey and untrusting, I know.)
I honestly understand your concerns, and you could report him to CPS if you TRULY feel that his house is unsanitary and that there are things lying around that would be dangerous to your child, but all CPS would do is order him to clean up, since he is not the custodial parent. However, again, this is mostly stuff that you are going to have to live with.

Of course, you should point out to dad that certain things lying around are dangerous to the child...in a polite and positive manner so that dad is more likely to listen to you.

We do have in the order that the other parent can't move out of state without the others permission. I plan to say no to his moving out of state until our Son is older. I am letting my lawyer go as I can no longer afford him. I paid for all of our legal processes so far, my savings has run dry. I haven't kept a journal, all I have is my word. What do you recommend? If Dad does go ahead and move away, do you think it's likely a judge would allow him to take our Son out there for any amount of time? When our Son is older I could understand that, but now, so young, would a judge really consider that?
Your agreement will not be enforceable. The courts have no authority to prohibit a parent from moving, they only have the power to prohibit a parent from moving a child with them.

Yes, he is going to get out of state visitation if he moves. There is nothing that you can do about that. How much and how often will depend on the child's age at the time that he moves.

I'm scared of representing myself...but I cannot afford to do this any other way. If I thought I had a good chance to win this, I honestly would consider going back and trying to change our current order to daytime visitations only, every weekend...though we live over an hour from eachother I would be willing to do the driving to have him spend 5-8 hours a day Saturday and Sunday with him. I am not trying to be a jerk to Dad, I'm concerned for our Son is all. Is that worth pursuing though? After reading most of what I've read on this site, I fear I may just come off as a controlling Mom trying to get Dad out of the picture...I really am not. The every other weekend sleepover is nothing compared to the thought of him taking him for weeks alone 1000 miles away anyways...that is my main concern.
Honestly, I do not believe that you have any shot at limiting his visitation to daytime only. However, if I were you, I might make some quiet threats (civil, polite, regretful at the necessity of doing so) to dad about it if he doesn't get a gun safe and lock up the gun.

Of all of the things that you said here, the loaded gun really is the one truly valid issue that you have...and one that I feel needs to be addressed.
 

ninalee

Member
Sadly this is what I figured. I think that when it comes to him moving out of state, I'll at least present the idea of him not taking him out of state until he's 4. I can't see that big of a change in routines being healthy for our Son. I know I might lose this, but I can't help but try to fight that.

I'll talk to him him more about the safe, maybe eventually just buy him one. Hopefully I can get him to get one, I hate that it's not locked up. Only would take a second if our Son found that for disaster.

As for Dad limiting me around his home, for now I know it's all good. He invites me in and likes to chat, and never seems to mind when I pick up sharp objects and deal with them. Hopefully someday he'll tire of it and do it himself, that's probably going to be when he tires of me pointing such things out and we seperate further to the point I don't hang around at all anymore. For now I think he finds my presence useful and comforting still and tends to encourage me to hang around. I clean up a bit, and usually change a diaper before I go. I'm useful I guess.

Thank you for your feedback, much appreciated.
 
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CJane

Senior Member
Its a bit neglectful for dad not to change him and dress him before returning him to you, but nothing that a court would take umbrage with. Its best that you pack the bag with necessities. You shouldn't have to, but its best.
I dunno. I have a 2.5 year old, and I could easily change him before I left the house and by the time we'd driven an hour - hell, 10 minutes - he could have thoroughly loaded his diaper.

And when Mom is wandering about Dad's house bein all snoopy and crap, maybe she could gather up Junior's dirty clothes from the previous visit and take 'em home?

Seriously, this is a BAD control issue that's only going to get worse.
 

TheGeekess

Keeper of the Kraken
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? WI

I apologize in advance as I know this will be long. I'm probably gonna ramble a bit, but I don't know exactly what is and what isn't relevant...so here goes...

My Son is 2.5. My Son's father takes him every other weekend (court order pending, papers have been signed).
I'm sorry, but why isn't this child potty trained yet? :eek:

2.5 is a little old to be running around in diapers. Get rid of those pull-ups and put him in some big boy pants. He'll be potty trained in short order. ;)

(Pull-ups are okay for short term use at night, but not during the day.)
 

Isis1

Senior Member
I dunno. I have a 2.5 year old, and I could easily change him before I left the house and by the time we'd driven an hour - hell, 10 minutes - he could have thoroughly loaded his diaper.

And when Mom is wandering about Dad's house bein all snoopy and crap, maybe she could gather up Junior's dirty clothes from the previous visit and take 'em home?

Seriously, this is a BAD control issue that's only going to get worse.
i've changed 3 diapers in under an hour for one kid. ALL three were fully loaded. when dad takes the younger two (his) they always get returned back with a wet diaper. i take it as, they aren't dehydrated. btw...when do they stop peeing like a racehorse??
 

CJane

Senior Member
I'm sorry, but why isn't this child potty trained yet? :eek:

2.5 is a little old to be running around in diapers. Get rid of those pull-ups and put him in some big boy pants. He'll be potty trained in short order. ;)

(Pull-ups are okay for short term use at night, but not during the day.)
I tried the big boy pants w/ Twain. Just created more laundry. He'll be 3 in January - but his sisters were 3 before they were completely trained too. I'm just not in a hurry. Though it would have been nice to have HIM potty trained before Wild started her period so I could have traded the diaper expense for the 'fem prod' expense. ;)
 

ninalee

Member
Let me try to clarify this if possible. Dad and I have been apart for just short of a year now. For the first 6-7 months I didn't "stop over" at all, we barely wanted to be near each other. We just met half way. And I can tell the difference between a diaper that was just pooped in as opposed to one that has been on for a while...the red rashy butt is tell tale. An overnight diaper is also much more full of pee than a diaper that has been on for only an hour. I don't change our Son every hour either, so I know. He does not pee that much in an hour...ever. But whatever, there's nothing I can do about this I realize, so I'll just change the diapers and continue working on potty training.

For a while now we've decided to be 'friends', partially for our Son's sake, also because we don't hate each other and go way back. He invites me in when I drop off our Son, and fairly recently invited me to stay and watch a political documentary he thought I should see. So I did, and yes, I've taken these moments as opportunities to see what's up there. You wouldn't given the circumstances?

I don't open cabinets, look in drawers, nothing like that. These items and the mess is in plain sight. So I'm controlling because when I see power tools on the floor, razors left on the side of the tub, and a loaded gun in plain sight, I get concerned?

I have packed him bags since the issue with the overnight bag. I have actually asked him to return to me some pants and sippy cups when I've stopped by. Most of the sippy cups were missing their little "'no spill" spouts and in a sink full of really gross dishes that were soaking for who knows how long, he said others may be in his car and probably with gross milk in them, so I passed. The pants were somewhere in his room in a dirty clothes pile, though I did get two pair back. I was NOT going to rummage through his dirty laundry. I was NOT going to go into his bedroom. He has not wanted to rummage through his pile when I've asked if he could take a minute to do so, and I'm not gonna beg.

I have stopped in about 5 times over the last few months, most of the time only long enough to chat and change a diaper after the long ride, and yes, I have picked up the place a bit, which Dad has encouraged saying he appreciates it because he 'doesn't have the time to do that stuff'. Seeing how messy his house is only takes going to the front door and dropping our Son off. His history with me was one of not giving attention to our Son while I lived there...so I can't help but be curious what kind of environment our Son is in while he is there now.

I realize there is nothing I can do now. I realize this is the man I made a baby with and I'm not the only parent. I try to talk to him about things, that tends to go nowhere. He is against mediation and counseling, always has been. From my experience it doesn't pay to force him into mediation or counseling either because he resents me more for it and the few times I got him to try it only made things worse between us because he had no interest in it. So I do what I feel I have to, not because I want to control what his Dad does, but because I'm seriously concerned about our Son's safety and well being there.

I'm not going to pursue anything other than just waiting until our Son is a bit older before he takes him alone 1000 miles away, should he decide to move anyway. I also don't plan on hanging out and watching movies anymore, because I'm getting the feeling he wants to try our relationship again, and I have no desire for that. I'll start limiting my time to a diaper change and a chat. I'll try to resist the urge to clean up his place. I don't do this for him or myself, I do it because our Son spends a lot of unattended time roaming through his home. Wouldn't you? Or is it better to just let whatever happens happen, even if it means our Son getting injured...or worse?
 

ninalee

Member
When I clean up I only clean up what I don't want our Son getting into. I don't do dishes, laundry, or any of that stuff. He's a big boy, for the most part, eventually he must do some of these things. I just vacuum, pick up food on the floor in the kitchen, wipe up strange stuff off the floors, clean up the end table in the living room, put away little things that he could swallow, tie up those strings for the blinds that our son is always curious about...and of couse put away sharp pointy objects.

I am a wordy one, I know, so I'm sorry if I'm not making clear on what's going on in an attempt to not make my messages longer than they already are...
 

CJane

Senior Member
Or is it better to just let whatever happens happen, even if it means our Son getting injured...or worse?
Ya know, being paranoid won't actually keep your son safe.

I have 3 kids - 12, 9 and almost 3. I've NEVER child-proofed a house. Yeah, I'd lock up a gun, but I also figure that at 2+ a kid is old enough to know not to play with razors they find on the edge of the tub, not to drink the shampoo, not to open the cabinet w/the cleaning supplies... Hell, my almost 3 year old puts away all of his own toys, brings out his dirty laundry and can pack his own bag for gramma's house with minimal supervision.

And no, I wouldn't set foot in my ex's houses if you paid me. Why? Because THIS is what happens. I'd be totally judgmental about how they keep their homes, whether I thought they were 'up to snuff' etc. It's not worth it.
 

CJane

Senior Member
When I clean up I only clean up what I don't want our Son getting into. I don't do dishes, laundry, or any of that stuff. He's a big boy, for the most part, eventually he must do some of these things. I just vacuum, pick up food on the floor in the kitchen, wipe up strange stuff off the floors, clean up the end table in the living room, put away little things that he could swallow, tie up those strings for the blinds that our son is always curious about...and of couse put away sharp pointy objects.

I am a wordy one, I know, so I'm sorry if I'm not making clear on what's going on in an attempt to not make my messages longer than they already are...
Hey seuss. He has a nanny AND a maid. He doesn't need to rekindle your relationship. The only thing missing is the sex.
 

ninalee

Member
I'm sorry, but why isn't this child potty trained yet? :eek:

2.5 is a little old to be running around in diapers. Get rid of those pull-ups and put him in some big boy pants. He'll be potty trained in short order. ;)

(Pull-ups are okay for short term use at night, but not during the day.)

Actually age 3 to 3.5 is the average age for boys to get potty trained. 2.5 is perfectly normal for tot boys to still be in diapers, so I'm not some bad mommy who's little one is in diapers too long. I read books on child development, and our family doctor says that our Son is right on track. We are potty training now, and he's doing good at my home. My daughter was out of diapers by 2.5, but boys tend to take a little longer than girls. I'm encouraging Daddy to help out, since he is better 'equipt' in this department to lead by example...but he hasn't "had the time" to do it when he's there. He doesn't deny it, he's open about needing to put his work before our Son when he visits.
 

TheGeekess

Keeper of the Kraken
Actually age 3 to 3.5 is the average age for boys to get potty trained. 2.5 is perfectly normal for tot boys to still be in diapers, so I'm not some bad mommy who's little one is in diapers too long. I read books on child development, and our family doctor says that our Son is right on track. We are potty training now, and he's doing good at my home. My daughter was out of diapers by 2.5, but boys tend to take a little longer than girls. I'm encouraging Daddy to help out, since he is better 'equipt' in this department to lead by example...but he hasn't "had the time" to do it when he's there. He doesn't deny it, he's open about needing to put his work before our Son when he visits.
I worked at a Daycare with toddlers up to this age, and we were taking them to a restroom on schedule (which assists in potty training, just like litter-box training a cat). The Child was potty trained at 18 months, all the way around.
 

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