What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? I live in Ohio with my niece. Legal Guardianship paperwork is through Indiana if that matters.
I have had Legal Guardianship of my niece for 4 1/2 years.
The mother emailed me wanting to see her daughter for Christmas and I’m not sure the best route to proceed. Here’s the background information.
This isn't a situation where my niece was removed from the home by CPS, but where as the father's family we were concerned about my niece's welfare. So, through a lot of talking with my parents, I decided to approach the mother and father for legal guardianship. My niece was 7 years old. Mother's situation is that she left my brother and niece when my niece was 2 years old and my niece was living with my brother. The divorce decree had visitation parameters in there for one day every other weekend supervised. That visitation schedule was the routine - the best we could enforce it - up until a little over a year ago. Now, mind you, and I hope this is correct, I was told by an attorney that the visitation schedule in the divorce decree was overwritten (or whatever you want to call it) by my guardianship order. We didn't specify visitation or child support in the order.
Not that we haven’t had lots of problems with the dad, this email is about the mom. One of the major issues ongoing, outside the issues going on when she was my niece’s primary caretaker her first two years, is the inconsistency in her visitations. She would only spend anywhere from 3 to maybe 5 hours on her day, if she didn't cancel or postpone. And that is when she didn't take off. As an example of "taking off" is 4 years ago, during the process of getting guardianship papers signed to take to the judge, she took off, not telling anyone, including her family, where she went. She was gone for 3 months only communicating sporadically via email refusing to disclose her location other than she had joined a satanic cult in NC. Not kidding. Since that time, she has taken off, missed or was late/left early numerous times. Because of her migrant lifestyle soon after she left my brother, she couldn’t/wouldn’t hold a job so she applied for SSD. She was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and has been on SSD for close to 10 years now.
My niece had just turned 8, entering 2nd grade when I moved her into my home. Very troubled child, immature, underdeveloped, hyperactive, huge education lags. I had her in therapy and tutoring and eventually had her evaluated for ADHD which she tested positive for. Everything came to a head end of 4th grade. She was 10. She tried to commit suicide. She was in the hospital for 7 days and was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder, PTSD, and Major Depression. After this even, things got worse. She started attacking me, throwing things and punching me. She ran away from home once. She had started hurting our cats. I'm trying not to be toooo long. But if you need details I can provide them.
She ended up back in the hospital 3 months later after her mother had taken off again and when she returned not making any attempts to see her. It had already been a month since she had seen her daughter from multiple postponements/cancellation when she left. This hospital stay was much longer. She wanted to kill her mother. She wrote profanity all over the walls and drew pictures of her own death and her mother's death on the walls and her pajamas. She had a psychotic break in the hospital. She told the staff that she is addicted to cigarettes and couldn't sleep at night because she needed to smoke. Her mother is the only person she knows who smokes.
The hospital's psychiatrist wrote a formal letter stating that my niece shouldn't see her mother until her mother gets therapy to address whatever is causing her to continue to abuse her daughter, and once the therapist feels she is ready, and my niece was ready after extensive therapy, they could see each other via family therapy and that therapist can dictate visitation parameters from there. That was 14 months ago.
My niece have been in attachment therapy for about a year now - which has done wonders. She is a lot healthier but still has a lot of healing to do. Over the past 2+ years, so much as come out about what kind of parents her mother and father were and are. Our suspicions way back when were way off mark. It was worse than we could have thought. The level of neglect.. the abuse, sexual and physical. Reactive Attachment Disorder - which is really the foundation for all her symptoms relates the primary caregiver (mother) but both parents were abusive to this little girl. But that's in the past, and it's all allegation, never proven in a court etc etc. How much weight does it hold now? The only evidence we have is the child and all her problems.
In the 14 months since the doctor's letter, the mother has been to zero therapy sessions. She first said that it wasn't fair she has to go, because she has been going and had just stopped. Her mother complained that it wasn't fair because she doesn't have the money. I told them she she would be eligible for free services in my community because it relates to a child that lives in here. She wasn't interested. Four months later she said she was on a waiting list with a clinic, 3 months later she said they called her and told her she doesn't need therapy. When I asked for more details, she said they told her that her situation wasn't dire enough and they have people who need help more than she does. A couple months after that she called my brother while she was on the way to a scheduled therapy appointment but didn't know how to get there. About 2 months after that, when I asked how therapy was going I found out that she missed the appointment because she got lost. It was 10 minutes from her home. She didn't reschedule. She told me that she had made an appointment "downtown" but didn't go because she has issues with going downtown. That was a couple of months ago.
Now, about a month ago, she came into some money from a car accident settlement, got a computer and has a facebook account. I know this because she found me and emails me through it. She copied pictures of my niece off my facebook from Halloween and posts them on hers and tells her "friends" how she is married with a beautiful 12 year old daughter and how wonderful life is. Her friends comment on how great the pictures are and how awesome it is she has a beautiful daughter. I know mentioning this is being petty and bitchy. It just erks me, after all this little girl has gone through, and honestly I have gone through to save her life, to see this stuff. But I think it also explains her renewed interest in her daughter. It gets her attention. Like a puppy in a dog park.
She sent me an email through facebook last week. It says : "How's everything going? How is <daughter>? I was hoping we could work out something for Christmas. Even if I have to drive to <city therapy is in> to see her with her therapist I would. Please <Aunt>. I'm begging you. It's been over a year since I've even spoken to her. Please, let me have my daughter back in my life.-<Mother>"
I haven't responded yet because I don't know what to say. I want to tell her to stick it. And probably will, well - not in that way but just remind her about the doctor's letter and what's in the best interest of her daughter. I know from conversations she has had with her mother, I've had with her, she's had with her daughter's therapist that she doesn't see that she did anything wrong. She denies things to her mom but admits them to the therapist. Like locking her daughter in her room all day when she was a toddler. But the issues surrounding visitation - she makes all kinds of excuses. She told her mother that my brother was inappropriately touching her during visits so that's why. But after I took over she continued the inconsistency.
Her daughter is scared to death of her and has so much hate for her, she doesn't want to see her. Besides the hate part, I have told this to her mom as tactfully as I can - and why. This little girl, for as long as I'm sure she can remember, has always judged her mother's love based on how much time she will spend with her and how many times she has left her. "Why would she leave if it means she can't see me? Doesn't she love me?" She would try to make excuses to get her mother to stay longer. She would be so stressed out the entire time afraid to do something that would make her mother mad at her and leave. When her mother left for the 3 months (which was the longest time she had left) my niece said it was her fault because she stole a piece of candy out of her purse. She cried and cried over that. So, when all that hate came out in the hospital, she is afraid her mother “knows” and is going to hurt her because of it. She had nightmares for the longest time that her mother was going to burn our house down, or break in and kill her, or kidnap her and throw her off a bridge. We have alarms on all the doors and windows to make her feel safe. A baby monitor. That’s on top of all the medication – sleep aids, mood stabilizers and anti-psychotics. An alarm went on her bedroom door after mother's day when she drew me a picture of her stabbing me to death, with an evil grin across her face but the words "Please help me" next to it. She gave it to me because she was scared she would do it and wanted my help to prevent it. So you see. We have A LOT of issues here.
But we have never been to court, and I see this going to court if I push it. I'd welcome court but my fear is that the mother's parental rights could outweigh what the therapists say. I don't think a court would give her custody but maybe visitation? It's not like I don't think visits should happen eventually but when they both are ready. How would a court view all this?
I have had Legal Guardianship of my niece for 4 1/2 years.
The mother emailed me wanting to see her daughter for Christmas and I’m not sure the best route to proceed. Here’s the background information.
This isn't a situation where my niece was removed from the home by CPS, but where as the father's family we were concerned about my niece's welfare. So, through a lot of talking with my parents, I decided to approach the mother and father for legal guardianship. My niece was 7 years old. Mother's situation is that she left my brother and niece when my niece was 2 years old and my niece was living with my brother. The divorce decree had visitation parameters in there for one day every other weekend supervised. That visitation schedule was the routine - the best we could enforce it - up until a little over a year ago. Now, mind you, and I hope this is correct, I was told by an attorney that the visitation schedule in the divorce decree was overwritten (or whatever you want to call it) by my guardianship order. We didn't specify visitation or child support in the order.
Not that we haven’t had lots of problems with the dad, this email is about the mom. One of the major issues ongoing, outside the issues going on when she was my niece’s primary caretaker her first two years, is the inconsistency in her visitations. She would only spend anywhere from 3 to maybe 5 hours on her day, if she didn't cancel or postpone. And that is when she didn't take off. As an example of "taking off" is 4 years ago, during the process of getting guardianship papers signed to take to the judge, she took off, not telling anyone, including her family, where she went. She was gone for 3 months only communicating sporadically via email refusing to disclose her location other than she had joined a satanic cult in NC. Not kidding. Since that time, she has taken off, missed or was late/left early numerous times. Because of her migrant lifestyle soon after she left my brother, she couldn’t/wouldn’t hold a job so she applied for SSD. She was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and has been on SSD for close to 10 years now.
My niece had just turned 8, entering 2nd grade when I moved her into my home. Very troubled child, immature, underdeveloped, hyperactive, huge education lags. I had her in therapy and tutoring and eventually had her evaluated for ADHD which she tested positive for. Everything came to a head end of 4th grade. She was 10. She tried to commit suicide. She was in the hospital for 7 days and was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder, PTSD, and Major Depression. After this even, things got worse. She started attacking me, throwing things and punching me. She ran away from home once. She had started hurting our cats. I'm trying not to be toooo long. But if you need details I can provide them.
She ended up back in the hospital 3 months later after her mother had taken off again and when she returned not making any attempts to see her. It had already been a month since she had seen her daughter from multiple postponements/cancellation when she left. This hospital stay was much longer. She wanted to kill her mother. She wrote profanity all over the walls and drew pictures of her own death and her mother's death on the walls and her pajamas. She had a psychotic break in the hospital. She told the staff that she is addicted to cigarettes and couldn't sleep at night because she needed to smoke. Her mother is the only person she knows who smokes.
The hospital's psychiatrist wrote a formal letter stating that my niece shouldn't see her mother until her mother gets therapy to address whatever is causing her to continue to abuse her daughter, and once the therapist feels she is ready, and my niece was ready after extensive therapy, they could see each other via family therapy and that therapist can dictate visitation parameters from there. That was 14 months ago.
My niece have been in attachment therapy for about a year now - which has done wonders. She is a lot healthier but still has a lot of healing to do. Over the past 2+ years, so much as come out about what kind of parents her mother and father were and are. Our suspicions way back when were way off mark. It was worse than we could have thought. The level of neglect.. the abuse, sexual and physical. Reactive Attachment Disorder - which is really the foundation for all her symptoms relates the primary caregiver (mother) but both parents were abusive to this little girl. But that's in the past, and it's all allegation, never proven in a court etc etc. How much weight does it hold now? The only evidence we have is the child and all her problems.
In the 14 months since the doctor's letter, the mother has been to zero therapy sessions. She first said that it wasn't fair she has to go, because she has been going and had just stopped. Her mother complained that it wasn't fair because she doesn't have the money. I told them she she would be eligible for free services in my community because it relates to a child that lives in here. She wasn't interested. Four months later she said she was on a waiting list with a clinic, 3 months later she said they called her and told her she doesn't need therapy. When I asked for more details, she said they told her that her situation wasn't dire enough and they have people who need help more than she does. A couple months after that she called my brother while she was on the way to a scheduled therapy appointment but didn't know how to get there. About 2 months after that, when I asked how therapy was going I found out that she missed the appointment because she got lost. It was 10 minutes from her home. She didn't reschedule. She told me that she had made an appointment "downtown" but didn't go because she has issues with going downtown. That was a couple of months ago.
Now, about a month ago, she came into some money from a car accident settlement, got a computer and has a facebook account. I know this because she found me and emails me through it. She copied pictures of my niece off my facebook from Halloween and posts them on hers and tells her "friends" how she is married with a beautiful 12 year old daughter and how wonderful life is. Her friends comment on how great the pictures are and how awesome it is she has a beautiful daughter. I know mentioning this is being petty and bitchy. It just erks me, after all this little girl has gone through, and honestly I have gone through to save her life, to see this stuff. But I think it also explains her renewed interest in her daughter. It gets her attention. Like a puppy in a dog park.
She sent me an email through facebook last week. It says : "How's everything going? How is <daughter>? I was hoping we could work out something for Christmas. Even if I have to drive to <city therapy is in> to see her with her therapist I would. Please <Aunt>. I'm begging you. It's been over a year since I've even spoken to her. Please, let me have my daughter back in my life.-<Mother>"
I haven't responded yet because I don't know what to say. I want to tell her to stick it. And probably will, well - not in that way but just remind her about the doctor's letter and what's in the best interest of her daughter. I know from conversations she has had with her mother, I've had with her, she's had with her daughter's therapist that she doesn't see that she did anything wrong. She denies things to her mom but admits them to the therapist. Like locking her daughter in her room all day when she was a toddler. But the issues surrounding visitation - she makes all kinds of excuses. She told her mother that my brother was inappropriately touching her during visits so that's why. But after I took over she continued the inconsistency.
Her daughter is scared to death of her and has so much hate for her, she doesn't want to see her. Besides the hate part, I have told this to her mom as tactfully as I can - and why. This little girl, for as long as I'm sure she can remember, has always judged her mother's love based on how much time she will spend with her and how many times she has left her. "Why would she leave if it means she can't see me? Doesn't she love me?" She would try to make excuses to get her mother to stay longer. She would be so stressed out the entire time afraid to do something that would make her mother mad at her and leave. When her mother left for the 3 months (which was the longest time she had left) my niece said it was her fault because she stole a piece of candy out of her purse. She cried and cried over that. So, when all that hate came out in the hospital, she is afraid her mother “knows” and is going to hurt her because of it. She had nightmares for the longest time that her mother was going to burn our house down, or break in and kill her, or kidnap her and throw her off a bridge. We have alarms on all the doors and windows to make her feel safe. A baby monitor. That’s on top of all the medication – sleep aids, mood stabilizers and anti-psychotics. An alarm went on her bedroom door after mother's day when she drew me a picture of her stabbing me to death, with an evil grin across her face but the words "Please help me" next to it. She gave it to me because she was scared she would do it and wanted my help to prevent it. So you see. We have A LOT of issues here.
But we have never been to court, and I see this going to court if I push it. I'd welcome court but my fear is that the mother's parental rights could outweigh what the therapists say. I don't think a court would give her custody but maybe visitation? It's not like I don't think visits should happen eventually but when they both are ready. How would a court view all this?
It has been so far (medical bills and what not), why stop now.