Opinions and Ideas?

[Illinois Parent]

It's 5:30am, and I can't sleep because I am too wound up and stressed out after having spent several hours in the emergency room with my son tonight. So, I came to surf the boards and see if anyone else has dealt with a situation similar to the one I'm facing. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that no one has.

Since I finally took my ex-husband to court and am receiving support, he has decided he can no longer afford to see his only son twice a month. He actually told the judge that it costs too much in gas to make the round trip twice a month and he should be able to deduct that expense from the support amount. The judge told him to get a part time job. There is no visitation that is court ordered, as I have sole custody. Yet, I have made certain he sees his father every other weekend, even though that has meant I drive just over 100 miles round trip every other Friday and Sunday to meet him. Religiously, for the past five years. Granted, he drives 150 miles, but he is the one who chose to move out of state.

So, now he sees his son once a month. Previously, my son complained that his dad didn't spend any time with him when he was there. He spent his time with his step-mom and half-sister. I told my son (wishful thinking) that since he wouldn't have as much time there, maybe his dad would value the time he did have more and spend more of it with him.

This morning, after having been at his dad's for five whole days (his dad isn't interested in any more time), I got a nearly hysterical phone call from my son. He was crying that he hates his sister, hates his dad and doesn't want to go there anymore. After calming him down, I told him to put his dad on the phone.

What it boils down to is my twelve year old is tired of being expected to entertain his three year old half-sister. When he dared to say that to his father, the man lost his mind. When I got him on the phone, he was still foaming at the mouth and incensed that this child dared to say no to him. My son didn't feel well this morning (headache, sore throat) and didnt want to go to the beach, something his father decided was to be a 'family' outing. The three year old was still screaming in the background "I wanna go to beach". What a mess. His father decided there was nothing wrong with my son, that he was just being difficult. The fact his son told him he just wanted to do something with his dad was completely lost on the man. I quickly gave up trying to reason with his father, and told my son to just tough it out, he would be home this evening and we would talk about it then.

Needless to say, they went to the beach. And because his father was mad at him, he ignored the kid all day. Ignored him to the point of not putting sun burn protection on him or making sure he drank enough water. Which is why I ended up in the emergency room until 1:00am with a child with sun stroke, heat exhaustion, mild dehydration, a severe sore throat (not strep thank god), a 101.5 degree fever and a sunburn on his back so bad it is actually purple where it is not blistering.

The real kicker in all of this is his father's reaction when I called him tonight. First, I called him from the ER where a very helpful admitting nurse suggested I get his father's exact street address so she can have the bill sent directly to him. He wasn't terribly concerned until a couple hours had passed and he hadn't heard from me. Turning his phone off so as to not wake his wife and daughter was very considerate to them, but meant I couldn't call until I got home and got his cell number out of my book. When I finally got in touch with him at 1:00am and asked him "which part of the fact that he has my complexion (very fair) do you not understand?". His response was "well, he gets sunburnt all the time, he never had to go to the hospital before"

I'm not sure what, if anything I should do at this point. Having sole custody, I do not have to grant visitation at all, which is what my son wants. But I do believe it is important to maintain even minimal visits. Whether or not his father understands it, it is in the best interests of our son for him to have some semblance of a relationship with his father. The real problem is not in getting my son to go, (really, that is a decision I will make for him, part of my job as his parent), but in getting his father to spend time with him.

His father insists that what is most important is for our son to have a relationship with the 'whole' family, meaning his wife and daughter. I have no problem with his wife, other than the fact that she is a slave (get me a glass of water!), sees nothing wrong with being a slave (he provides a good home) and is taking out her resentment on my son at having to give up some of that 'good home' because her husband now pays child support. She is really a non-issue. Like a good slave, she provides him with meals, clean clothing while he's there and a spotlessly clean roof over his head.

I dont even have a real problem with his father expecting our son to kow-tow to the will of a three year old. My son has learned patience and how not to be the center of attention, which is a fact of life for an only child. My son has also learned to stop bringing his favorite things there because this child then sees them, screams "give it to me!", and his father tells him "just give it to her, she's only three". All of these things are bad enough, but would be tolerable if his father paid any attention to him at all.

Tonight, before I found out about the sunburn, et. al., I asked his father how much time he spends alone with his son, other than the road trips back and forth. His answer was "I dont need to spend time alone with him, we are a family, we spend it all together". At that point, I was seriously rethinking the value of the time he spends there. Then, when I saw my son and the condition he was in, I surprised myself by not ripping the man's head off and ****ting down his throat. The insensitivity, ignoring the kid, showing no interest is one thing. But this, this gives me real concerns for his safety and well being.

So, here is my dilemma (if anyone has stayed with me this far). I really dont know if I should continue to force these visits. His father's comment was "If he doesn't want to come and spend time with the whole family, that's fine with me". I can force my son, in his long term best interests to spend the time there. I cannot force his father to be a father, to take any interest in his son. And I'm not sure if I want to do that anyway.

I know posters on these boards dont lack for opinions, and that is what I'm looking for here. Legal opinions aren't required, but they would be nice, too.

 

[EEck]

I think the main reason for visitation is for the child to have a relationship with both parents...it doesn't sound to me like he is having a relationship with his father when he goes there...at twelve years old he does at least know who his father is and that is what is important...I would not be able to let him go back nor would I force him to go...if I were dealing with this situation...I just cannot believe the insensitivity of some people...good luck!

 

[coolmomof4]

Since you legally don't have to grant visitation, (and this is just my opinion) please don't force your child to see his dad anymore!

It's clear your ex doesn't care to be with his son. Your son is old enough to know that what happened to him was a result of his dad neglecting him out of anger. If you force the visits to continue, your son may wind up hating you for it.

Keep a file of documentation, enough to show your son later on, if he asks why he stopped seeing his dad (in case he forgets) and also just in case your ex comes after you later on for custody or visitation. And say bye-bye for now to those horrible visits.

 

[Illinois Parent]

Thanks for the input. Sometimes it is hard to see the forest for the trees. At 5:00 or so in the AM, it is not easy to think clearly, particularly when your emotions have been all over the board all night long. Fury, disgust, profound sadness at the waste...you get the idea. To put all that aside and think rationally is occasionally beyond even the most pragmatic of parents.

Twelve hours later, after a few hours sleep and in the light of a new day, I'm able to see things a little more clearly. My son is okay, inside in the airconditioning, happily playing video games and will suffer no long term effects. He's eating, headache is gone and tylenol and lotion are taking the sting out of the sunburn. As for the emotional effects...time will tell.

For now, I've decided to do nothing. I did compose a letter to his father's oldest brother (I have gone to him in the past to shake up his idiot younger sibling), though I will sit on it for a few days before deciding to send it or not. In the meantime, I will do nothing else. If his father wants to know how he is doing, he will call. Needless to say, I don't expect that to happen. And I think there is a strong possibility that his father won't call to set up next month's visit either. If he does, I'm really not sure how I will handle that. I'm thinking of simply telling him that if he wants to see him he can come and spend the day here.

Actually, if I simply refuse to do the 100 miles, I don't think he'll feel strongly enough to come all the way here to get him. That would be preferrable than an open confrontation which would inevitably put my son in the middle of an argument. No matter what else, I still dont want to put my son in the position of having to tell his father he doesn't want to see him. I just cant see how that would be good for the kid. Twelve is old enough to know and say what he wants, true, but there is no age that is old enough that having to reject your parent isnt going to be emotionally devastating. Adult children of abuse have a difficult time with that, it certainly isn't something that a twelve year old is equipped to handle.

 

[ktarra617]

Since you have sole custody and he's obviously not that interested in the boy other than as a babysitter while he's there then just don't set up the next visit. Wait til he calls and then say if you want him come and get him. He probably won't drive the whole way like you said.

I wouldn't outright say no but I would make it a little difficult for him to make him decide if he really wants to see his son or not. If he does then he will make the drive if he doesn't then he won't.

His loss. I feel sorry for your son. I really do. Its a real shame that this man acts the same age as his daughter. I mean come on ignoring somebody to the point of neglect just because you're mad at them. That's downright stupid and immature.

I hope for your son's sake that he just doesn't call for a few months, maybe he'll wake up and realize it. Maybe he won't. It's his loss if he doesn't. No child deserves what your son has put up with.

Good luck to you and him.

 

[knudsonrl]

I am with everyone else on this one! I certainly applaud your reasons for wanting your son to see his father, but the reality of this situation is that dad doesn't seem to really want to see him. That is going to lead to some ugly self-confidence problems for your son. How could he feel loved by his father who allowed him to come to such a serious condition? I would certainly never tell him that he couldn't see his dad, but leave it up to him if and when he chooses to go. Maybe you would feel better if you could encourage more phone calls to the father in lieu of all these visits?

 

[pthalo]

my two cents...or more like two dollars...

I had to re-read all of this and spend some time thinking b/c I see alot of depth to these issues.. I'll start with some corrections...

EEck
"at twelve years old he does at least know who his father is and that is what is important"

At twelve the boy probably knows dad's name and the fact that he is his biological father, but I am a twenty-four year old man and am just now truly getting to know "who he is"..

Illinois Parent
"There is no visitation that is court ordered, as I have sole custody."

Sole custody does not imply or mean that there is no visitation. Dad has rights to visitation and if the court hasn't already determined them, all it takes is for dad to ask that the be court ordered.. You can't deny him visitation based on custody circumstances...

ktarra
"Since you have sole custody and he's obviously not that interested in the boy other than as a babysitter while he's there then just don't set up the next visit. "

As much as I don't agree with dad's attitude and in fact think its quite deplorable, I can see where he is coming from.. These issues are not easy for some people to handle.. Having a family is a big responsibility and can bring so much enjoyment.. As awkward as it is for the child to feel like the third wheel, don't you think it might be hard for dad to have his (and I am so sorry for saying this and it is not said in a derrogatory fashion) part-time-child.... I am not defending dad, but am symply trying to empathize with him...

I guess I am torn... I think a child should always have the right to know both parents and I will never deny my son that benefit.. On the same hand, the dad in this case is a fool and an idiot.. His family includes his children, his parents, his wife and yes although its a weird form of family, you Illinois Parent....

I hope for the best for you and your son and pray that dad can see the ere in his ways.... His son should be his pride and joy.. I just hope for your son's sake that his dad isn't stuck seeing his son as a reminder of a failed relationship.. That is not what a child is and I hear of too many men that see their children as just that...

Well once again good luck....

 

[Illinois Parent]

Thank you all for the input and support, I really do appreciate your time and thoughts. It helps, if you know what I mean.

Just a few points for clarification though. Pthalo, it is true that sole custody does not mean no visitation, but in this case, it just happens to be the way it is written. When the original divorce decree was signed, he only had supervised visitation. When the supervised visitation order expired (per dates set in the original decree), he was to petition the court for visitation. If he didnt, he had no visitation. At the time, I knew that his interest would be minimal so I had it written that way on purpose. But, up until now, his lack of interest could not be classified in any way as a danger to my son.

When the original supervised order ran out, he wasn't yet living out of state. By the time he was moving out of state, he was also getting married so I had some assurance that there was another person in the house. The moment I met her, I knew she was a born and raised slave/wifey type. The ******* actually told me just before he married her that he didnt love her, didnt need to, as she loved him enough for both of them.

There truly hadnt been a real problem until their daughter came along. At first, it was easy to explain to the at the time nine year old that babies simply require a lot of attention. That excuse ran out once she became mobile, potty trained and verbal. Now, it is abundantly clear to my son that his dad is just a self centered jerk. My son complains how his dad treats his step mom. At nine, my son came home telling me he wanted to learn to cook something so he could give his step mom a break. And he asked me to call her and tell her not to do his laundry while he was there. She literally washes what he wears each day. She, on the other hand, wanted to know what to cook for him because no matter what she came up with, all he said he wanted was peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Because he knew that was a very easy thing to make and he didn't want her working so hard.

Sad to say, but the actions of the past few days are not a sudden revelation to my son. He doesnt really like his dad as a person. He doesnt like the way his dad treats his step mom, the little sister, me or him. He thinks his dad is a dishonest, not nice person. And I can assure you, he has never, ever heard anything like that from me or even from anyone else in front of him. As much as it disgusts me, I have defended his dad since my son was old enough to talk, long before he could really understand anything. I've even been in the position of having to answer to him why I've defended his dad when he knows his dad doesnt deserve defending. Talk about weird. This very bright, astute kid has told me "mom, I'm old enough to understand things as they are, you don't have to worry about saying something about my dad affecting my opinion. I love my dad, but I just dont like him very much. The role model he provides me is how NOT to be. He's only nice to people who can do things for him. He uses people.". Believe me, that broke my heart the first time I heard him say those things.

I guess I knew this day would come, but I hoped it wouldnt be for a few more years. I was hoping to be able to maintain the semblence of a relationship for at least a little while longer. Who knows, maybe I'll be able to get through to his dad. At this point, the plan is simply to let him know, if and when he calls, that he needs to apologize to his son. I'm probably just in denial for now, but we will see what happens next.

 

[pthalo]

wow....

your son is extremely admirable and I hope that my little boy grows up to be like him.. understanding, compassionate and able to give unconditional love.. The maturity of this 12 year old astounds me.. There are adults who govern their own contries that don't have that level of maturity, our country included....LOL

What I would call your ex's new wife is one of two things.. A moron with low self-esteem or a "trophy wife"...

 

[stealth2]

I had a hard time responding to this post because so much of it hits home. I'm still having trouble coming up with the words... Your son sounds like a great kid. Do what you feel is best for *him*.

 

[Valeriana]

Illinois mom...

I admire you for attempting to maintain a relationship between your son and his father...I given the fact that there was nothing written or ordered by the courts would have given up some time ago. I can only imagine the heartache your son must be feeling at this point and can only hope that the love he is receiving from you, his mother, will give him the courage and strength to endure the possibility of life without his biologicol father...( if in fact it comes to that ).

The positive definitely will over come the negitive in the long run and the sadness in all of this is, your sons father will not even begin to realize the impact he has had on this childs life until much later on in his years, lets hope he wakes up before then and becomes the man that all little boys aspire to be.."a father".

~R~..( also single mom in Illinois )