Opinions needed - paternity confusion

[feinre]

My husband's ex-wife allows their children to refer to her boyfriend as "Daddy Dan". These are young children, 5 and 2 years old. We always explain to them that they only have 1 mommy and 1 daddy, but his ex continues to encourage them to call her boyfriend "daddy". Are we just being over-sensitive? We believe that this is causing great confusion. Especially since she allows the boyfriend to pick up the kids from daycare, but has recently told the school to deny their bio-father that privilege. Is it me, or is this crazy?

 

[LegalBeagle]

My husband's ex-wife allows their children to refer to her boyfriend as "Daddy Dan". These are young children, 5 and 2 years old. We always explain to them that they only have 1 mommy and 1 daddy, but his ex continues to encourage them to call her boyfriend "daddy". Are we just being over-sensitive? We believe that this is causing great confusion. Especially since she allows the boyfriend to pick up the kids from daycare, but has recently told the school to deny their bio-father that privilege. Is it me, or is this crazy?

At that age and with her have most of the access, you are in a no win situation. Bear with it until they are older and then deal with it..

 

[Grandma B]

You really won't be able to stop her from having them call her bf "daddy" so it would be wise to ignore it. Trying to explain the situation to children 2 and 5 will confuse them even more.

She has the right to let the bf pick them up from daycare. It's sad, but since dad has only visitation rights, it's probably okay for her to tell them he isn't allowed to pick them up.

 

[feinre]

Thanks for the feedback. I forgot to mention that they have joint custody - it's not just visitation privileges.

 

[smh33]

Is ex and bf in long term relationship, curious? Daddy Dan is better than just 'Daddy'. If old enough to understand,endure the situation...you should reinforce the definition as you have been. You can explain, 1 mom/1dad..share same blood...non bio's care for them just like a dad/mom but not same. Tell children ok to say daddy dan cause like a dad when BF not present much as you (step) like mom. Children do get it and as they age will make own choice of label. They do need to understand the difference..my son calls step..mom _ _, then decided to go with just name at about 6yrs. I had to explain constantly same issue to child but I would follow with positive..how lucky child is, most kids only get 1 family & how lucky he gets 2 that love him..yes.. even if you don't feel such, lie. It really helped child understand difference without feeling less of less value to non bios & helped not feel different than other kids not of divorce. His school of 1200.... only 25 kids from divorce! The bio family comes first and kids need to understand diff....step grands not same as bio grands, etc...& understand before they have formed belief values. My son's step is part mex..son went around telling all he 1/2 mexican.....
Daycare..been here too. What does your order say...is visitation exercised with pick up being at daycare? Regardless, parent has right to see child/visit daycare..no can't pick up anytime but supply them with copy of order if supposed to p/u at daycare? What is story here, what did she say to daycare...verbal or written? U cannot pick up if that not place stated in order for pick up & ex can tell d/c u not allowed w/o ex's consent but u can visit there. Had same situation, need more of u'r info.

 

[feinre]

Thanx again. The relationship with the boyfriend has been strange. At one point, bio-mom said she broke up with him because "it wasn't good for the kids". Not sure what that meant, but they are buying a house together now. So, we assume it's a permanent relationship at this point. The older child understands the difference between the real dad and the "friend" dad. I agree that we should probably just let it go and let the children grow up and figure it out themselves, but my husband is adamant. He doesn't want the kids calling this guy Daddy, and then have this man leave their lives. I don't know. Today is a tough day - I'm not sure what I think anymore. These poor kids are surrounded by such odd circumstances, and I just want what is best for them. Pickup from daycare isn't specified in the agreement. She told the school not to return my husband's calls. And then she gave him a note saying to put his ego aside and do what is best for the kids. The kids ask him to pick them up - so I don't see the logic. He just wants to be involved. Stress, stress, stress...

 

[sadeyes24]

feirne

i am in the same boat my stbx lets my 4y/o and 7 y/o call his g/f mommy . and while im on the phone i can here my lil girl saying mommy to her . i have asked my stbx to please not let her do that it is disrespectful to me .and he still incourages her. i think that is wrong . there is only 1 mother and 1 father that shows that there is no respect for the other parent . and they should put a stop to it .

 

[smh33]

Right,one each...which is why you cannot fully let it go...let go of hope/effort to get other parents to grant your wishes
Do not let go of constant reinforcement to your child that there is a difference...daddy & daddy dan not same, thats why use name dan also. my son's step mom did same, was calling her mommy...heck she has told people she IS his mom.....took a while but if I heard son do it,phone, talking in general....I never let it pass...didn't make huge drama, just evenly, casually...son, u should really call her momma _, it's confusing..have to judge depth/length of convo by scene,also out of blue..say at zoo,mom & baby animals...you can lead that into convo about moms,just 1,how part of mom,etc all w/o even mentioning other party. They will get it & need to know difference,even if chose to call both just dad. Think it kinda makes bio & non equal,looked as same, hey call both guys,dad.Moms, u carried this person,gave birth,etc...this came up in court & really pissed my judge off,railed ex for allowing,said was disrespectful to me& relationship w/ my child.My judge said only 1 mom, 1 dad...don't really think a law but both lawyers said no can ex allow& ex's lawyer even advised him against continue. Maybe good letter from lawyer do trick for u guys?

 

[smh33]

Feinre.....unless there is a court order stating bf has no right to school access,records,whatever....he has right to, regardless of who is legal cust/final say

Do not know if actual law...have read cases, think you have some recourse against an ex if they are interfering,as in calling places saying ignore you, or implying to say daycare u are kidnap risk,etc...can't think word but see? damage to character maybe

Know fact ex cannot do things,like school, that prohibit your access...you need facts 1st. Had similar,almost to T issue. Not pick up, complete ban. Varies based on few things but, bottom line,ex can't do. Is daycare or school/public or private? Me daycare,church,considered private.We have joint. BF needs to go to school A.S.A.P, find out deal. Why no return of calls,what they instructed by ex,try get fix on thier position..be the most calm,just bewildered parent seen. if private,may not give letter,etc if your name not on child's file.Will say u need to show court order saying u have right to access,if case..Reply is they should be supplying a court order saying u don't have a right.leave. Do ask forletter,documentation of dad's visit & all info exchanged.Ask also for addtl statement of position..as in what they are going to go by,u/ex and explanation /proof they should do such,insist,they will do,protects them . May insist if private,they only answer to client/cp/name on file,especially if ex enrolled w/o u present. Crap, ex is responsible to supply any info needed to allow other access & if paying support,named or not, u are paying for service. If not done, dad needs to make appearance...will look bad if not addressed. From here depends on what is produced. If only blocking pick up..no case,still need how ex explained need for block, can't slander you..if blocking anything else...lawyer.
She can let boyfriend pick up however you can document this freq..most have sign out sheets/copy...maybe there are other things too...but courts do not like to see caregiving turn over by bio to non,& not married.Yeh..her job,etc..time doesn't work...what would do if non suddenly gone..could be help in future