Opinions on Email

[TheGeekess]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Bama, home of the Roll Eagle!

There's been a few issues with Yard Dog, and I am contemplating sending him this email (italicized is the draft)...

If you want to discuss visitation with me, it will be done via email, not at drop-off/pick-up and certainly NOT IN FRONT OF The Child!!! I've asked you time and time again to not involve her in discussions about adult matters.

Last week during drop off, Yard Dog approached the car and asked me in front of The Child about holiday visitation (of which he has none according to the CO). I was flabbergasted to say the least....

Stop discussing visitation with The Child. I've asked you time and time again to not involve her in discussions about adult matters. You can discuss what you've done during the visit and what you'll do during the next visit, but that's it. If you want to discuss things with me, you can email me, PER THE COURT ORDER.

She asked me the other day (after his telephone visitation) about the next visitation (not having a calendar in front of me, I told him that he'd have her on Jan. 2nd).
She was asking about the date (telling me it was the third and not the second).

Stop telling The Child that I don't like you. I've asked you time and time again to not involve her in discussions about adult matters. That is not something to be discussed with a child and certainly something I don't want to explain to The Child.

Not ever have I told her that I don't like him (even though the sight of him makes my BP go up about 15 points.) Yard Dog has also asked The Boyfriend (when TB picked up The Child last month after visitation) why I didn't like him. I'd bet dollars to donuts that The Child was right there when that was asked.

The court order states visitation is the first Saturday of each month. You agreed to it. I agreed to it. The judge signed it. That's all there is to it. I have to follow the court order (as you do) and that's all that has to be done.

Just to recap the Court Order: I have sole legal and physical custody. The CO does not mention holidays. He has no overnights. He has the first Saturday of each month from 10 AM-4 PM, plus phone visitations 2x/week (Tu &Th) for 30 minutes (and I move heck and high water to make sure she is available for the phone calls; I inform him when she is at my parents' house so he'll know that she'll call him (instead of him calling her). [Her cell service does not extend to GMom & GDad's house]). We are to communicate via email.

Am I wrong? Should I just delete the email out of the Drafts folder? Is this merely a difference in parenting style?

 

[profmum]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Bama, home of the Roll Eagle!

There's been a few issues with Yard Dog, and I am contemplating sending him this email (italicized is the draft)...

If you want to discuss visitation with me, it will be done via email, not at drop-off/pick-up and certainly NOT IN FRONT OF The Child!!! I've asked you time and time again to not involve her in discussions about adult matters.

Last week during drop off, Yard Dog approached the car and asked me in front of The Child about holiday visitation (of which he has none according to the CO). I was flabbergasted to say the least....

Stop discussing visitation with The Child. I've asked you time and time again to not involve her in discussions about adult matters. You can discuss what you've done during the visit and what you'll do during the next visit, but that's it. If you want to discuss things with me, you can email me, PER THE COURT ORDER.

She asked me the other day (after his telephone visitation) about the next visitation (not having a calendar in front of me, I told him that he'd have her on Jan. 2nd).
She was asking about the date (telling me it was the third and not the second).

Stop telling The Child that I don't like you. I've asked you time and time again to not involve her in discussions about adult matters. That is not something to be discussed with a child and certainly something I don't want to explain to The Child.

Not ever have I told her that I don't like him (even though the sight of him makes my BP go up about 15 points.) Yard Dog has also asked The Boyfriend (when TB picked up The Child last month after visitation) why I didn't like him. I'd bet dollars to donuts that The Child was right there when that was asked.

The court order states visitation is the first Saturday of each month. You agreed to it. I agreed to it. The judge signed it. That's all there is to it. I have to follow the court order (as you do) and that's all that has to be done.

Just to recap the Court Order: I have sole legal and physical custody. The CO does not mention holidays. He has no overnights. He has the first Saturday of each month from 10 AM-4 PM, plus phone visitations 2x/week (Tu &Th) for 30 minutes (and I move heck and high water to make sure she is available for the phone calls; I inform him when she is at my parents' house so he'll know that she'll call him (instead of him calling her). [Her cell service does not extend to GMom & GDad's house]). We are to communicate via email.

Am I wrong? Should I just delete the email out of the Drafts folder? Is this merely a difference in parenting style?

Delete it.. he wont so what you ask him to do which is leave the child out of it and will do it more if you respond this way.. and legally there is very little that can be done with this issue.. he wants that rise in blood pressure for you... dont give him the satisfaction of knowing that he got it. I have done the exact same thing, created many versions in my draft folder, waited 24 hours and 9/10 times realized that xfiles got his rise in blood pressure when I sent him NO response!

 

[psubaby08]

IMO, just delete it. i agree with not giving him the satisfaction with a response. he's obviously not going to stop talking about adult matters infront of your chlid even though you've asked him not too; so just follow your court order and if he has a problem with it then tell him to take it up with the judge. but i wouldn't even give him the satisfaction of a response. it aggravates my ex more also if i don't even respond to him. i think many ex's love just trying to get a rise out of the other person and do it on purpose so don't even give him the satisfaction and let him know that its getting to you. and again i agree, legally you can't force him to not discuss things infront of your child even tho it is a crappy thing for him to drag her into it.

 

[LdiJ]

I disagree in part with the other posters. I do think that you have to address with him the holiday issue that he brought up.

"In regards to your inquiry regarding holiday visitation:

The court orders give you visitation the first Saturday of every month. Your next visit with the child is January 3rd, 2009. I am sure that she would enjoy another Christmas celebration that day."

 

[truebluemd]

It does not matter what you tell him to do outside the order. It will not stop him from being difficult to piss you off, which he is doing now. In fact, it may make him more difficult. You have to do damage control with your child. That is the only thing you can try to do. I agree with LdIj. Send him an email informing him of his next visit. I would leave that last sentence out.

 

[wileybunch]

I disagree in part with the other posters. I do think that you have to address with him the holiday issue that he brought up.

"In regards to your inquiry regarding holiday visitation:

The court orders give you visitation the first Saturday of every month. Your next visit with the child is January 3rd, 2009. I am sure that she would enjoy another Christmas celebration that day."

I totally agree with the PPs that never mind with the lecturing part. Even if you're right, *I* didn't even want to read your post because of the mother-child tone it had.

But, I agree with part of what LdiJ suggested you write except for the part about being "sure that she would enjoy ....". That's one of those controlling type statements thinly veiled to steer a positive outcome in a communication.

I personally would leave it with:

"In regards to your inquiry regarding holiday visitation:

The court orders give you visitation the first Saturday of every month. Your next visit with the child is January 3rd, 2009. If you have any questions, please let me know."

 

[TheGeekess]

Okay, I'll delete that email and try again.

Is this better?

Please confine discussions with me about visitation via email as per court order.

In regards to your inquiry regarding holiday visitation:

The court orders give you visitation the first Saturday of every month. Your next visit with the child is January 3rd, 2009. If you have any questions, please let me know.

(Last bit cribbed straight from Wiley's suggestion.)

 

[Humusluvr]

It does not matter what you tell him to do outside the order. It will not stop him from being difficult to piss you off, which he is doing now. In fact, it may make him more difficult. You have to do damage control with your child. That is the only thing you can try to do. I agree with LdIj. Send him an email informing him of his next visit. I would leave that last sentence out.

Agreed.

Tell daughter "All boys think girls don't like them!"

I don't know, make it funny to alleviate the drama that is Yard Doggy Dog.

 

[truebluemd]

Better yet, what you should do is quote what the court order states and send it to him. Put the next visitation schedule in parentheses. He needs to stop playing stupid with you.

 

[TheGeekess]

Better yet, what you should do is quote what the court order states and send it to him. Put the next visitation schedule in parentheses. He needs to stop playing stupid with you.

He's not playing, he is that stupid.

 

[Isis1]

He's not playing, he is that stupid.

i have got to admit, i thought the letter was normal. but i think that way too. i can't stand when the NCP constant dicusses changes he wants in visitation with the kids, then asks me, then tells the kids i say no. so i feel your frustration to no end. but the posters are right. disregard. i ask the kids if they are done with their phone call and hang up. when dad calls to specifically ask for changes the day before, i just remind him the kids will be available according to the court orders and hang up. i figure let the NCP bury himself. he'll go to court and tell them he's harrassing me about it. he thinks telling the courts he tells the kids i say no, is a good thing. it makes me a bad person.

 

[wileybunch]

Okay, I'll delete that email and try again.

Is this better?

Please confine discussions with me about visitation via email as per court order.

In regards to your inquiry regarding holiday visitation:

The court orders give you visitation the first Saturday of every month. Your next visit with the child is January 3rd, 2009. If you have any questions, please let me know.

(Last bit cribbed straight from Wiley's suggestion.)

I still wouldn't *tell* him what to do. Skip that and just keep it to the point at hand and you can do that by just keeping the discussion focused on clarifying the visitation schedule. Period.

 

[TheGeekess]

I still wouldn't *tell* him what to do. Skip that and just keep it to the point at hand and you can do that by just keeping the discussion focused on clarifying the visitation schedule. Period.

So, how would you suggest I set boundaries without telling him what they are? I'm dealing with a narcissistic personality disorder, not a psychologically healthy human being. If he were psychologically healthy, I wouldn't have to deal with him like this and he'd have joint custody.

 

[Humusluvr]

So, how would you suggest I set boundaries without telling him what they are? I'm dealing with a narcissistic personality disorder, not a psychologically healthy human being. If he were psychologically healthy, I wouldn't have to deal with him like this and he'd have joint custody.

Just brainstorming, do YOU have to do the pick up / drop off?

Then he would HAVE to email you.

And if he has NPD, I bet THAT would enrage him

Hmmmm

 

[>Charlotte<]

Please confine discussions with me about visitation via email as per court order.

I think you should address his inappropriateness, but not like that. "Please" acknowledges your need for his cooperation and feeds whatever kind of rebellious power trip he thinks he's pulling.

"In response to your attempt to discuss visitation in front of __________, I will remind you that all communication is to be done via e-mail, per the court order, and I have no intention of discussing it with you by any other means."

Maybe that's a little snottier than it needs to be? But you get my general idea.