Out of control teen

[googlemom12345]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? ID or OR

We have been dealing with a completely out of control teen for the last year and half. We have tried everything and he still feels he can disrespect us and not follow the rules. Our family was almost destroyed by his behavior. We live in Oregon.

This rebellious teen chose to move out in March and has jumped from friend to friend and finally moved to Idaho. It may not be working out with the ppl he is living with in Idaho, but we cannot allow him back into our home. We have 2 younger children who were acting out with all the chaos caused by this teen, and feel it would be detrimental to the others to have him back in the home.

We do not know what to do. We know other parents who, in similar situations have kicked their under 18 kids out of the house, but we are unsure what these "friends" will do with him if he does not straighten up. If they will bring him to us or let him figure things out in Idaho. Whatever suggestins or directions on the laws in either state would be much appreciated.

 

[Antigone*]

Who are you in this situation?

 

[Proserpina]

Has this poor teen ever been in counseling?

When he ran away, were the authorities ever involved?

If not, why not?

 

[Isis1]

exactly how old is this teen?

 

[googlemom12345]

The teen will be 18 in 5 months. I am said teens mom.

We did not notify the authorities because he was not technically a runaway. He did disappear for several days, but we knew that he was safe (through another friend of his). We figured the "tough love" approach would work ro turn him around, but he came home, told us he was going to live with a friend and we supported that decision. Our home had been in chaos for nearly 2 years. he was in counseling for almost a year and would not talk. Therapist hinted at the possibility of him perhaps having a personality disorder, however they will not officially diagnose this until a person is in their 20s because it is a stigma that will follow them for life.

So yes, we are stuck in a very deep hole. But, since he has been out of the house, it is amazing to see how much we have missed in the lives of our other 2 children (ages 13 and 8). It has been good to have a break.

We are hoping that things will work out for him to stay where he is, for the sake of the rest of us, but want to be prepared in case the family he is living with kicks him out.

Thanks much!

 

[mistoffolees]

Ultimately, he's your responsibility. If the people in ID don't want him, then you have to take him back (unless you want to be charged with abandoning a child).

You'd better figure out how to deal with it pretty soon. I would start by taking away privileges. If he continues to act up, he'd have a sleeping bag on the floor and not a heck of a lot more.

 

[googlemom12345]

Well, of course we will take him back if they are not willing to keep him. Our biggest concern is what it will do to our other children. Taking away privileges? We have done that. Actually, we have done EVERYTHING in the books. We have read every book and tried every method we were comfortable with; consulted with psychologists, psychiatrists and educators. We have been the loving and kind parents, the militaristic parents, the involved parents, the removed parents, the "enabling parents", the "learn from your own actions" parents. Nothing works with this almost man of ours. It is as if when he turned 16 something clicked and he became a different person. We have 5 months to go until he is 18 with huge heart breaks along the way, daily emotional ups and downs and after the last 2 years of hell not sure how we will handle it if we are forced to have him back in the home. Sorry, just venting, but wanting to educate ourselves if we have any legal recourse to protect our other children.

Thanks for your input!!

 

[mistoffolees]

We have read every book and tried every method we were comfortable with; consulted with psychologists, psychiatrists and educators. We have been the loving and kind parents, the militaristic parents, the involved parents, the removed parents, the "enabling parents", the "learn from your own actions" parents.

How about just being parents without any mumbo-jumbo?

I'm exhausted and confused just reading your list. How do you think a kid reacts when there's a flavor of the week parenting style? It all becomes a game.

If you really have no other options, you could always pack him up and send him to boarding/military school if he's still in school.

 

[PQN]

Can you afford to pay for an apt for him? Maybe you can get a 6-month lease for him on the condition that he work with a therapist/get a job/finish school/GED -- whatever 1 thing is most important. With only 5 months to go, treating him as the adult he thinks he is may be best.


Try here:
Difficult Adult Child - Troubled Adult Child - Adult Children

 

[PQN]

How about just being parents without any mumbo-jumbo?

I'm exhausted and confused just reading your list. How do you think a kid reacts when there's a flavor of the week parenting style? It all becomes a game.

If you really have no other options, you could always pack him up and send him to boarding/military school if he's still in school.

Actually, had they continued to parent in the same way that wasn't working, they would have been blamed for not trying other things. Psychologists often insist that you try different parenting strategies with mentally ill children.

Most boarding/military schools will not take a child who has a history of running away and doesn't want to be there.

 

[commentator]

And getting him an apartment with a condition that he do this and this and this would not work well at all with this young person. You sign the lease, he doesn't pay, you pay. For the for the time of the lease, whether he meets your conditions or not. If you give him the reward before he produces the behavior, then you've just given him something, not motivated a behavior. He'll swear to you he'll do anything, just anything, with his fingers crossed behind him and a big inward smile. Then when he doesn't you're still stuck.

When there's this "ever since he suddenly changed his behavior at the age of sixteen,(or fourteen or seventeen or twelve) just like a switch had flipped" I would bet my last dollar there is a controlled substance issue involved. Has the child ever been to rehab, has there been any evidence of any substance abuse, including alcohol? Frequently when a child is so totally motivated to get away from home like this, it is to have more privacy to seek and use their drug(s) of choice. Because you had him tested a few times doesn't mean it's not happening. Sleeping at friends houses means less supervision, nobody enforcing rules with him, monitoring his behavior. But friends' parents tend to wear out very quickly on this.

And kids with behavior disorders and personality disorders very rarely leave out that wonderful chance to rebel by using controlled substances. If you turn the child over to the authorities as uncontrollable, in most states, it has to be when they're under 17, and with a long history of bad behavior that has garnered the attention of the authorities. Then you'd probably still have to pay for whatever option they find for him, whether it's foster care or a detention or treatment center of some type. Couldn't you find one for him yourselves, tell him that's his only option? I'm sure he'd prefer you got him an apartment of his own, but that's sure a nice set up.

Don't let people give you too much grief about your failed parenting styles, some individuals are just hard cases. But he's not come home yet. He may hold out for another few months, and then he's on his own as far as anyone demanding that you take him back in.

 

[mistoffolees]

Actually, had they continued to parent in the same way that wasn't working, they would have been blamed for not trying other things. Psychologists often insist that you try different parenting strategies with mentally ill children.

Absolutely. But changing the strategy every week isn't going to do anyone any good.

 

[mulldoone]

In most cases like these, you could go and file a petition with the court to declare the child incorrigible. Best case scenario, the child ends up in foster care. Worse case scenario, they end up in a juvenile detention center.

In your case, you wouldn't be able to do that. The cutoff age is 17.

However, what you can do is if he gets too unruly (i.e. threatening your life or well being, physically abusing you, destroying property, staying out all hours of the night, leaving home for days at a time, being truant, etc.) there's nothing preventing you from calling the police.

Hopefully, things will work out and he won't have to come back to your residence. But, if for some reason he does, you'll only have to put up with it for 5 months or less until you are able to kick him out.

After that point, if he refuses to leave, like out of spite or defiance? You can do one of two things:

1) File a protection order. He'll be forced to leave immediately.

2) Go to your district courthouse and serve him with a written Notice to Quit. This will inform him that he has 30 days to move or you will seek to evict him. If he still refuses to move out, you can file for a Complaint to Terminate Tenancy. You will be assigned a date when you'll have to appear in court, which is usually within 3 to 4 weeks, and a judge will hear your case. If you are successful in obtaining a judgment, your son will have 10 days to move out.

And if he still refuses to move after all of that? You can obtain an Order of Eviction from the court which will allow the court officer to physically remove him and his personal belongings from the premises. Keep in mind that the entire process, from the time you serve the Notice to Quit through the issuance of the Order of Eviction, takes approximately 60-90 days.

http://www.tenant.net/Other_Areas/Oregon/305.html

Good luck to you! This must be very hard for you to deal with.