Parental Alienation

[Cchohnr]

Two divorced parents are planning the summer. A court decision is pending on the new schedule within 3 weeks. “Parent A” makes it clear to the other “Parent B” that the schedule will remain 50/50 this summer per the existing court order until the new order comes out. Then “Parent B” takes the 15-year old son aside and they make a schedule together that is 70/30 and skewed toward Parent B. Then Parent B demands that they use the schedule because it is the wishes of the son. Now the son calls the schedule “his schedule” and is angry at Parent A.

Many things like this have happened over the past 10 years and it has been getting increasing worse as the boys have gotten older. With the boys almost 18 and 15 years of age, they now have a lot of resentment toward Parent A. The most important thing is the health and well being of these boys but Parent A is at a loss for what to do. Parental Alienation is difficult to prove and seems to be nearly impossible to stop.

 

[Just Blue]

Two divorced parents are planning the summer. A court decision is pending on the new schedule within 3 weeks. “Parent A” makes it clear to the other “Parent B” that the schedule will remain 50/50 this summer per the existing court order until the new order comes out. Then “Parent B” takes the 15-year old son aside and they make a schedule together that is 70/30 and skewed toward Parent B. Then Parent B demands that they use the schedule because it is the wishes of the son. Now the son calls the schedule “his schedule” and is angry at Parent A.

Many things like this have happened over the past 10 years and it has been getting increasing worse as the boys have gotten older. With the boys almost 18 and 15 years of age, they now have a lot of resentment toward Parent A. The most important thing is the health and well being of these boys but Parent A is at a loss for what to do. Parental Alienation is difficult to prove and seems to be nearly impossible to stop.

What state?
Who are you in all this?

 

[Cchohnr]

Indiana. I am the stepfather. Married to Parent A.

 

[adjusterjack]

How far apart in miles does Parent A live from Parent B?

 

[Cchohnr]

How far apart in miles does Parent A live from Parent B?

7 miles

 

[commentator]

Not even Alex Baldwin is using the term "parental alientation" anymore. Not a good idea to throw this term around anywhere, especially in court situations. You're right, it is impossible to prove, impossible to stop, and just plain old not very valid. What to do? SHE should follow the guidance of her attorney. She does have a choice. You accept insist on and live by the court orders religiously, despite what the young men want and ask for, lots of drama and stress and a lasting feeling that mother was not open to anything I wanted or needed. Or be more flexible, allowing for the fact that they are aging up quickly, and will, at the time they reach the magic age, be able to act any way they so choose., stay where they want to. A bit late in the game to hold out in the name of the "health and well being of the boys." Are you sure this just hasn't become an on going "no surrender" issue?

 

[adjusterjack]

Hello Parent A:

Building on Commentator's comment, you've had 10 years of hostility between you and your ex using the boys as pawns in the battle. You blame your ex, he blames you, doesn't matter. Now the boys have taken a side and it's not yours.

As gut-wrenching as this will be, you need to forget about court orders and tell the boys that they are free to decide who to visit and when.

Then, instead of battling with your ex, which is only going to foment more resentment, work on incentivizing the boys to engage in activities with you, one step at a time.

 

[LdiJ]

Two divorced parents are planning the summer. A court decision is pending on the new schedule within 3 weeks. “Parent A” makes it clear to the other “Parent B” that the schedule will remain 50/50 this summer per the existing court order until the new order comes out. Then “Parent B” takes the 15-year old son aside and they make a schedule together that is 70/30 and skewed toward Parent B. Then Parent B demands that they use the schedule because it is the wishes of the son. Now the son calls the schedule “his schedule” and is angry at Parent A.

Many things like this have happened over the past 10 years and it has been getting increasing worse as the boys have gotten older. With the boys almost 18 and 15 years of age, they now have a lot of resentment toward Parent A. The most important thing is the health and well being of these boys but Parent A is at a loss for what to do. Parental Alienation is difficult to prove and seems to be nearly impossible to stop.

One of your children is almost 18 and if you try to force anything against that child's will you will likely lose any chance of an adult relationship with the child...at least for quite some time. Unfortunately with the 15 year old coming up so close behind the older child you also have some real risk of the same. Do you have an attorney and what does your attorney say about the situation? If the court is likely to change the schedule to the 70/30 situation that the child wants then you don't have much recourse as the court would be unlikely to hold parent B in contempt. However, if the court is likely to uphold the 50/50 schedule then you would have greater recourse to hold parent b in contempt for conspiring with the 15 year old to go against the court order.

 

[stealth2]

I think it's vitally important for Mom (*) to sit down with her sons and find out why they want to spend more time at Dad's. And she should really listen to their reasoning. There are any number of reasons - some more valid than others. IME (and especially at the ages these young men are), it is crucial to keep an eye on the type of relationship one desires with their adult child(ren). 15 and 17 may not be the time to put a foot down if they have solid reasons.

(*) Now, I'm also going to suggest that Mom sit down with them on her own. I understand, @Cchohnr , that may not sit well with you, but... my two really resented having their stepmother participate in such discussions (I didn't remarry, so a stepfather wasn't an issue). Mom is better off not giving them any reason to feel ganged up on. She can always say, "Well, you've given me a lot to think about. Can we pick this up again tomorrow?"