What is the name of your state? California
I have tried, honest I have, to maintain a positive, working relationship with my ex, for the benefit of our daughter (7). Three times a year, I send her to visit on airplane. As it goes on, the stories she tells get more and more frightening, and I am getting to a point where I do not beleive I should send her there anymore.
First, aside from one garnished check for $50, he has not paid a bit of child support. Soon as they garnished, he quit the job, so that ended that. About as expected.
Second, I divorced him for poly-adultery, emotional abuse, inability to work steadily, and a growing addiction on pain pills. He has been homeless much of the past couple of years, living on the grace of friends. I have had to insist that visitation be carried out at his parent's house, when he has no residence. Incidental concern, one of his GFs (online only) was underage, but they got rather explicit. I have evidence of this.
This latest visit pushed me over the edge. She came home, telling me daddy didn't spend much time with her, too busy chatting with his GFs (he told her he has two) online and on the phone.
She tells me he only fed her twice a day most days, and one day only once. She associated this strongly with his lack of money. Enough, interestingly, to show her a real good time at the fair, and the zoo, and to buy new, expensive stereo equipment.
She tells me that he often yelled at her, and that she is scared when he is angry. Nothing new here. He was a master of verbal intimidation, but not a physical abuser. He was a bit rough once on one visit, as I understand from her, but usually not.
He has just quit his job, and is living with a GF for now, but I can see we are going into another bout of homelessness. The stories I get back from her visits show an astonishing lack of concern for her welfare, from not feeding her, to encouraging her to remove her seatbelt to nap in the car, and other incidents that disturb me.
Please beleive I have tried not to act the part of a vindictive ex-wife. I have never prevented her talking to her dad, have never bad-mouthed him, and aside from asking how the visit went, and polite, follow-up questions, have never pushed her for details of his crimes, his love life, or anything else that is inappropriate. I do not use her for a messenger, do not in any way let on that he is not paying his child support.
I push for these visits. I pay and schedule when it is my turn to pay, and have to push him to schedule when it is his turn to pay. He has also twice missed her flight home, by a large margin, because he thinks he remembers her flight leaving a couple hours later than it does. God forbid that ever happens when he is picking her up.
My girl loves her dad, and is beginning to get sad at how he acts, and treats her. She comes home the nervous child I remember from before the divorce, not the self-assured, lovely child she is normally today. No matter what I do, I feel like I come out the loser here. Let me add that I could go on with his sins, but this should give a sufficient picture of what we deal with.
My questions are two: Do you think I should consider terminating his parental rights? Can I, at this stage? It is not something I wanted to do, but I cannot send her where I know she will be poorly fed, poorly cared for, and belittled. Second, I am writing my will, and intend to express my wishes that my sister and her husband get custody. Should I document my reasons in the will, or as a separate document. From what I understand, courts are not bound by custodial wishes, but my old atty said they would consider them.
The second is because I am absolutely, morally certain that he is not a fit full-time parent. I will continue the visitation if it is still required, but will no longer allow it to extend beyond the minimum, court-granted time limits, as I have in the past.
Please provide any advice you can. My main thought is to contact my social-worker uncle, and get his objective opinion, but I could use some outside balance too. I have until Xmas before the next visit, and would like to resolve this before then.
I have tried, honest I have, to maintain a positive, working relationship with my ex, for the benefit of our daughter (7). Three times a year, I send her to visit on airplane. As it goes on, the stories she tells get more and more frightening, and I am getting to a point where I do not beleive I should send her there anymore.
First, aside from one garnished check for $50, he has not paid a bit of child support. Soon as they garnished, he quit the job, so that ended that. About as expected.
Second, I divorced him for poly-adultery, emotional abuse, inability to work steadily, and a growing addiction on pain pills. He has been homeless much of the past couple of years, living on the grace of friends. I have had to insist that visitation be carried out at his parent's house, when he has no residence. Incidental concern, one of his GFs (online only) was underage, but they got rather explicit. I have evidence of this.
This latest visit pushed me over the edge. She came home, telling me daddy didn't spend much time with her, too busy chatting with his GFs (he told her he has two) online and on the phone.
She tells me he only fed her twice a day most days, and one day only once. She associated this strongly with his lack of money. Enough, interestingly, to show her a real good time at the fair, and the zoo, and to buy new, expensive stereo equipment.
She tells me that he often yelled at her, and that she is scared when he is angry. Nothing new here. He was a master of verbal intimidation, but not a physical abuser. He was a bit rough once on one visit, as I understand from her, but usually not.
He has just quit his job, and is living with a GF for now, but I can see we are going into another bout of homelessness. The stories I get back from her visits show an astonishing lack of concern for her welfare, from not feeding her, to encouraging her to remove her seatbelt to nap in the car, and other incidents that disturb me.
Please beleive I have tried not to act the part of a vindictive ex-wife. I have never prevented her talking to her dad, have never bad-mouthed him, and aside from asking how the visit went, and polite, follow-up questions, have never pushed her for details of his crimes, his love life, or anything else that is inappropriate. I do not use her for a messenger, do not in any way let on that he is not paying his child support.
I push for these visits. I pay and schedule when it is my turn to pay, and have to push him to schedule when it is his turn to pay. He has also twice missed her flight home, by a large margin, because he thinks he remembers her flight leaving a couple hours later than it does. God forbid that ever happens when he is picking her up.
My girl loves her dad, and is beginning to get sad at how he acts, and treats her. She comes home the nervous child I remember from before the divorce, not the self-assured, lovely child she is normally today. No matter what I do, I feel like I come out the loser here. Let me add that I could go on with his sins, but this should give a sufficient picture of what we deal with.
My questions are two: Do you think I should consider terminating his parental rights? Can I, at this stage? It is not something I wanted to do, but I cannot send her where I know she will be poorly fed, poorly cared for, and belittled. Second, I am writing my will, and intend to express my wishes that my sister and her husband get custody. Should I document my reasons in the will, or as a separate document. From what I understand, courts are not bound by custodial wishes, but my old atty said they would consider them.
The second is because I am absolutely, morally certain that he is not a fit full-time parent. I will continue the visitation if it is still required, but will no longer allow it to extend beyond the minimum, court-granted time limits, as I have in the past.
Please provide any advice you can. My main thought is to contact my social-worker uncle, and get his objective opinion, but I could use some outside balance too. I have until Xmas before the next visit, and would like to resolve this before then.
