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Parenting Investigation

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skittles972001

Junior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Ohio

I don't know how much information is needed to answer my question so here is the gist of what has been going on since August 2008.

My fiance's ex-wife has spent the last 4 months in an inpatient rehab facility for prescription drug addiction. This is her 4th attempt at rehab in the last 5 years. While in rehab 2 hours and four counties away, she was indicted on four counts of Deception to Obtain Dangerous Drugs. While we have not had access to the court papers related to this criminal case, we believe that she did not enter rehab to seek treatment but to try to help her chances in defending these charges against her. She was released from rehab on November 26th after being offered and declining an extension, granted Intervention in Lieu of Conviction in her indictment case and was put on probation. We know that as part of her probation she is ordered to get a job and to attend IOP (an Intensive Outpatient Program).

My fiance filed for and received an emergency suspension of their shared parenting agreement after his five-year-old daughter's mother stepped up in the program and insisted on enforcing their 2/2/3 parenting schedule while she was living at the rehab facility (again, 2 hours and 4 counties away). While this suspension order was in effect he filed for the termination of the shared parenting plan and requested to be made full residential parent. A court hearing was scheduled for early November where the shared parenting remains in effect yet in a different form - the mother only has visitation with the child every other Monday and Tuesday and every other weekend and my fiance's child support payments were suspended. At this court hearing a parenting investigation was ordered. Both parents are scheduled to meet with the investigator in January, my fiance at 9:30am and his ex-wife the same day at 1:30pm.

My fiance and I have been trying to prepare for this interview for weeks now. We feel that we need to prove two things to this investigator. 1) Why the shared parenting agreement can not continue. The child's mother continues to play mind games and makes compromise very, very difficult. We have emails, text messages, journal entries describing phone calls and face-to-face contact and MySpace messages from throughout this past year that back up this claim, about everything from doctor's appointments to preschool. 2) Why my fiance is the better residential parent. We have some tangible evidence of this (the mother's criminal justice activities, the child's medical records about a certain incident that occurred when the child was ill in October, school records) as well as emails, text messages, etc. that show, in our opinion, that the mother does not always act in the best interests of the child.


My question, essentially, is this. Are we missing anything? Is there something we should do that we are not thinking of? Is there other evidence we could bring with us? We do not know much about this process and want to be as prepared as we can so that the investigator and the court truly understand the difficulty and the importance of this situation. We do not know, other than the parental interviews, what this process entails and if there is anything we can do to help. I want to make a point of mentioning that we are not interested in trying to have this process be a mother-bashing session but we do want to obviously get our point across that this woman is not stable and is very deceptive and manipulative (qualities, I might add, that are part of her addictive personality). Any advice would be very, very much appreciated.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
 


Ohiogal

Queen Bee
YOU should back out. Unless the court investigator has SPECIFICALLY stated you are to attend you need to wait at home.
 

skittles972001

Junior Member
Thank you for your reply. I am helping my fiance with this. Of course I will not be at the interview with him but I am listed as a primary caretaker for his daughter and I am listed as one of his references so I will be interviewed at some point as well.
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
Thank you for your reply. I am helping my fiance with this. Of course I will not be at the interview with him but I am listed as a primary caretaker for his daughter and I am listed as one of his references so I will be interviewed at some point as well.
Here is the thing -- you cannot come across as too overly involved. And why are YOU listed as a primary caretaker for his daughter? YOU need to really remove yourself. A court would get the idea that YOU -- who is not even MARRIED to the parent -- is trying to take the place of the child's actual mother. That is a NO NO. Dad needs to be prepared with everything you mentioned, minus you, as well as ways in which he plans to facilitate the relationship between child and mother. And how to make sure that the child is realistic about who her parents actually are.
 

skittles972001

Junior Member
I guess here is where more explanation is necessary.

I work 7am-3pm at a local criminal justice agency. My fiance works 3pm-11:30pm at a local children's hospital. In June of 2008, before the mother entered rehab, they agreed to a 2/2/3 parenting schedule where the mom would have the child for two days, my fiance would have the child for 2 days, then the mother would have her for three; then it switched the next week. All transfers took place at 10am. So on my fiance's scheduled days, he would have her in the mornings and then drop her off to me at work and I would take her home and take care of her until he came home from work at 11:30pm. I feel it important to note here that the mother and I get along fairly well and the mother was aware of the routine and did not object to it. She still does not.

When the mother entered rehab on August 1, the child was in the full-time care of my fiance and I; I practically had to move in with them so that a schedule and routine could be established and because the late nights (getting up at 5:30am for work after not getting home until almost midnight) were becoming problematic. This routine is still happening.

I realize now that the term "Primary caretaker" may not be the correct legal term, but on the initial questionnaire for the parenting investigation it was termed as "List other primary caretakers of the child besides yourself (family members, day care providers, teachers, etc.)"

I also feel it necessary to stress that it has never been anyone's intention that I replace the child's mother in her life and that is not what we are trying to do now. All parties involved know that and the child most definitely is aware of who her two parents are.

My fiance does in many ways attempt to facilitate the relationship between mother and daughter, especially now that the mother is finally back in the picture. He gives the mother ideas of things that they could do together, he has done everything possible to involve the mother with the child's preschool work (given her homework assignments to help with, etc.) Some of this has been welcomed by the mother and some of it has not been.
 

WantsToHelp

Junior Member
Here is the thing -- you cannot come across as too overly involved. And why are YOU listed as a primary caretaker for his daughter? YOU need to really remove yourself. A court would get the idea that YOU -- who is not even MARRIED to the parent -- is trying to take the place of the child's actual mother. That is a NO NO. Dad needs to be prepared with everything you mentioned, minus you, as well as ways in which he plans to facilitate the relationship between child and mother. And how to make sure that the child is realistic about who her parents actually are.

Maybe I'm wrong here, but couldn't it also be interpreted that she and her fiance, because they are working together to care for this child when the mother was unable to, are creating a more stable family environment? Doesn't the court system take that into consideration as well? The fact that the father and this woman are getting married and that this woman is going to be a significant part of the child's life regardless of how the custody situation works out, she should be involved in the process.
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
Maybe I'm wrong here, but couldn't it also be interpreted that she and her fiance, because they are working together to care for this child when the mother was unable to, are creating a more stable family environment? Doesn't the court system take that into consideration as well? The fact that the father and this woman are getting married and that this woman is going to be a significant part of the child's life regardless of how the custody situation works out, she should be involved in the process.
No. She is NOT family to this child. She is a legal stranger. You need to sit back and learn. A court would find her participation -- unless she is invited by the court -- think subpoena, or during investigation -- could be seen as interfering and overstepping.
 

skittles972001

Junior Member
I guess I need to clarify things again because it seems like people are getting the wrong idea here. I really do appreciate the responses but I think there are some wrong assumptions being made.

I am fully aware of my status as a legal stranger and I know that my participating in this process without being invited into the system by the domestic relations court or the appointed parenting investigator will appear to the court as overstepping my bounds. That is not what I am doing here. I am simply trying to support my fiance in this process by helping ask questions and get some answers for him. Neither one of us has experience in a situation like this and do not know what to expect.

I have no intention of inserting myself into this process unless that invitation arises. I AM NOT going to the interview with him, and never even thought about doing so. It is not my place. I am simply trying to help him prepare for it - help come up with what documents he might need, help him argue his case. That is why I asked my original question; given what I have told you he has, is there anything that we have not thought of that he might want to bring with him or prepare a statement for? I thought that maybe someone in this forum might have gone through this parental investigation process or is knowledgeable about it and could give some advice on what he might need. Given the fact that I am helping him I did use the term "we." I did not mean for that to cause any confusion or lead to a conversation off topic.

In trying to help my fiance prepare, I am also trying to prepare myself for the fact that I may be invited into this process by the parental investigator due to the fact that my fiance listed me as a reference and due to the fact that I am a person who cares for his daughter on many occasions. Perhaps I am wrong to think that, but the letter that accompanied my fiance's original questionnaire to begin this investigation process stated that the investigator may interview all parties who have contact with the daughter - family members, teachers, day care providers, doctors, psychiatrists, etc. We read that to mean that in addition to the father and the mother, doctors, and the like, the child's grandmother and I would be interviewed due to our status as "day care providers." We may not get paid for it but that's what we are. If I'm not requested, then fine, but I want to be prepared in case I am. Walking into a situation like this blind rarely does anyone any good.
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
I guess I need to clarify things again because it seems like people are getting the wrong idea here. I really do appreciate the responses but I think there are some wrong assumptions being made.

I understand where you are coming from now. I was answering the poster right above me who doesn't seem to get it.

I am fully aware of my status as a legal stranger and I know that my participating in this process without being invited into the system by the domestic relations court or the appointed parenting investigator will appear to the court as overstepping my bounds. That is not what I am doing here. I am simply trying to support my fiance in this process by helping ask questions and get some answers for him. Neither one of us has experience in a situation like this and do not know what to expect.
I understand that. others do not. And I was trying to explain that to them. You are smart to realize that.

I have no intention of inserting myself into this process unless that invitation arises. I AM NOT going to the interview with him, and never even thought about doing so. It is not my place. I am simply trying to help him prepare for it - help come up with what documents he might need, help him argue his case. That is why I asked my original question; given what I have told you he has, is there anything that we have not thought of that he might want to bring with him or prepare a statement for?
Some investigators want a list of references so to speak (think teachers, friends, the child's activities leaders and the like) who can talk to the investigator regarding the parents and their parenting and how the child has adapted. He should also be prepared to state what type of relationship he would like MOM to have with the child and how he would facilitate that relationship between mom and child.

Dad should also be able to show how he is prepared to parent the child -- what his daycare is like, what type of parenting (think discipline, activities, school involvement and the like) he will do.

I thought that maybe someone in this forum might have gone through this parental investigation process or is knowledgeable about it and could give some advice on what he might need. Given the fact that I am helping him I did use the term "we." I did not mean for that to cause any confusion or lead to a conversation off topic.
Understood.

In trying to help my fiance prepare, I am also trying to prepare myself for the fact that I may be invited into this process by the parental investigator due to the fact that my fiance listed me as a reference and due to the fact that I am a person who cares for his daughter on many occasions. Perhaps I am wrong to think that, but the letter that accompanied my fiance's original questionnaire to begin this investigation process stated that the investigator may interview all parties who have contact with the daughter - family members, teachers, day care providers, doctors, psychiatrists, etc. We read that to mean that in addition to the father and the mother, doctors, and the like, the child's grandmother and I would be interviewed due to our status as "day care providers." We may not get paid for it but that's what we are. If I'm not requested, then fine, but I want to be prepared in case I am. Walking into a situation like this blind rarely does anyone any good.

You are correct on the above points. You will need to be prepared to show that you understand your place and how to walk that tightrope between caring for the child and not trying to take mom's place.

The other information you state that dad has sounds good.
 

skittles972001

Junior Member
Thank you for your help I really appreciate it. I do have another question now, though. How would I empirically show that I understand my place and how to walk that tightrope between caring for the child and not trying to take the mother's place? Or is that just something I need to convey verbally or in written form if I am invited into this process?

Maybe I am reading too much into this investigation? Are they looking for solid, empirical evidence or are they just trying to form impressions on all parties based on either verbal or written responses to questions they ask?
 

Isis1

Senior Member
it's not so much as what you do say, but what you shouldn't say. "he" in reference to dad and never "we". the "child" not "my stepchild". pretty much, read the forum sticky. i think it's a great guidline for when and if you should have to present yourself to the courts.
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
Thank you for your help I really appreciate it. I do have another question now, though. How would I empirically show that I understand my place and how to walk that tightrope between caring for the child and not trying to take the mother's place? Or is that just something I need to convey verbally or in written form if I am invited into this process?

Maybe I am reading too much into this investigation? Are they looking for solid, empirical evidence or are they just trying to form impressions on all parties based on either verbal or written responses to questions they ask?
Don't refer to yourself as the child's mother. Don't have the child calling you mom -- but rather convey to the investigator that while you may be marrying dad you know that the child has a mother. As the child's step mother you expect to take a backseat to things. You also want to convey that you understand that parenting decisions (who the child's doctor is, where the child will go to school -- public or private, and so on and so forth) will be made by the parents and NOT by you. You will not be listed on any forms as the child's mother or legal guardian. You will not be participating in parent/teacher conferences. You will be dad's silent partner in the raising of HIS child. Do not use the words "we" or "our" in reference to his child. Those things are important in showing that you understand your place. The purpose is to form impressions based on the individuals interviewed. The evidence will come from the records of the child -- doctor and school and daycare and so on and so forth.
 

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