Parenting Plan for 3 year old

[DecisionTime]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oregon

My husband and I have been separated a couple months now. We are sharing custody on a 50/50 basis, splitting the week halfway (Wed-Sat, Sat-Wed), transitioning our child at daycare and again on the weekend. The daycare transition is fine, but the parent-to-parent one is stressful for her and I am looking for some creative ideas to minimize the stress.

Is week on/week off appropriate for a child this young? I recently had her for a full week and she did great. With this, all transitions could be done at daycare. If week on/off is too much for a 3 year old on a continual basis, has anyone else come up with a fairly equal plan keeping transitions to a minimum?

Has anyone shared custody fairly equally while having most overnights with one parent? He is far more permissive with things like staying up late (bedtime at 10pm), etc - which I know is his right - but she has always done much, much better with an earlier bedtime. He agrees it's better for her but is not willing to be too strict as he lives in an apartment and worries about his neighbors complaining if she pitches a fit.

Another question: joint custody in Oregon is only ordered if parents are in agreement. I'm willing to do this but am unclear if that means that both parents have to sign enrollment forms, permission slips, etc? There's a strong possibility he may relocate to another state this summer to find work and I don't know if joint legal makes sense under those circumstances.

Finally, what standard is used to determine primary caretaker if we can't agree on custodial terms? For about the past year, including the separation, he's done about 50/50 of day to day care. Before that it was 90/10 me. I do all medical appts, buy clothes and shoes, story reading, playdates, etc. If we'd spent six months sharing 50/50 but couldn't continue that, how would a judge figure which parent was primary?

Thanks in advance. I've been reading here a long time and greatly appreciate the no-nonsense advice.

 

[Isis1]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oregon

My husband and I have been separated a couple months now. We are sharing custody on a 50/50 basis, splitting the week halfway (Wed-Sat, Sat-Wed), transitioning our child at daycare and again on the weekend. The daycare transition is fine, but the parent-to-parent one is stressful for her and I am looking for some creative ideas to minimize the stress.

Is week on/week off appropriate for a child this young? I recently had her for a full week and she did great. With this, all transitions could be done at daycare. If week on/off is too much for a 3 year old on a continual basis, has anyone else come up with a fairly equal plan keeping transitions to a minimum?

Has anyone shared custody fairly equally while having most overnights with one parent? He is far more permissive with things like staying up late (bedtime at 10pm), etc - which I know is his right - but she has always done much, much better with an earlier bedtime. He agrees it's better for her but is not willing to be too strict as he lives in an apartment and worries about his neighbors complaining if she pitches a fit.

Another question: joint custody in Oregon is only ordered if parents are in agreement. I'm willing to do this but am unclear if that means that both parents have to sign enrollment forms, permission slips, etc? There's a strong possibility he may relocate to another state this summer to find work and I don't know if joint legal makes sense under those circumstances.

Finally, what standard is used to determine primary caretaker if we can't agree on custodial terms? For about the past year, including the separation, he's done about 50/50 of day to day care. Before that it was 90/10 me. I do all medical appts, buy clothes and shoes, story reading, playdates, etc. If we'd spent six months sharing 50/50 but couldn't continue that, how would a judge figure which parent was primary?

Thanks in advance. I've been reading here a long time and greatly appreciate the no-nonsense advice.

my favorite 50/50 schedule is the 2/2/3 day. especially for such a young child. you should request that if either parent leaves the state the stationary parent would retain the title of residential parent with a long distance parenting schedule for the moving parent with moving parent supporting all the cost of transportation.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oregon

My husband and I have been separated a couple months now. We are sharing custody on a 50/50 basis, splitting the week halfway (Wed-Sat, Sat-Wed), transitioning our child at daycare and again on the weekend. The daycare transition is fine, but the parent-to-parent one is stressful for her and I am looking for some creative ideas to minimize the stress.

Is week on/week off appropriate for a child this young? I recently had her for a full week and she did great. With this, all transitions could be done at daycare. If week on/off is too much for a 3 year old on a continual basis, has anyone else come up with a fairly equal plan keeping transitions to a minimum?

Has anyone shared custody fairly equally while having most overnights with one parent? He is far more permissive with things like staying up late (bedtime at 10pm), etc - which I know is his right - but she has always done much, much better with an earlier bedtime. He agrees it's better for her but is not willing to be too strict as he lives in an apartment and worries about his neighbors complaining if she pitches a fit.

Another question: joint custody in Oregon is only ordered if parents are in agreement. I'm willing to do this but am unclear if that means that both parents have to sign enrollment forms, permission slips, etc? There's a strong possibility he may relocate to another state this summer to find work and I don't know if joint legal makes sense under those circumstances.

Finally, what standard is used to determine primary caretaker if we can't agree on custodial terms? For about the past year, including the separation, he's done about 50/50 of day to day care. Before that it was 90/10 me. I do all medical appts, buy clothes and shoes, story reading, playdates, etc. If we'd spent six months sharing 50/50 but couldn't continue that, how would a judge figure which parent was primary?

Thanks in advance. I've been reading here a long time and greatly appreciate the no-nonsense advice.

At three, it might or might not be a bit rough on the child to do an every other week schedule. Ideally a dinner visit for the other parent, midweek, would be best if went to an every other week schedule, but that would kind of defeat the purpose as you would still have to do a parent/parent exchange.

I also don't like your current schedule, because it gives neither of you any full weekends with the child, and that will eventually become problematic.

If your child can handle it, a Monday to Monday every other week would avoid any parent/parent exchanges and give each of you a full weekend every other week.

Of course another option, (which might be better for a three year old) is say exchange child on Monday, one parent has child until Wednesday, the other parent has child until Friday, and then every other weekend Friday evening to Monday morning.

Example:

Dad delivers child to daycare on Monday. Mom picks up child from daycare on Monday. Mom delivers child to daycare on Wednesday, Dad picks up child from daycare on Wednesday. Dad delivers child to daycare on Friday, mom pickups up child from daycare on Friday and keeps child until Monday morning.

Then the next week reverses. Now, that does mean that one week one mom has the child 5 out of seven days, and week 2, dad has the child 5 out of 7 days, but all of the exchanges would take place at the daycare, and the child wouldn't go more than 3 overnights without seeing the other parent.

Then, in another few years, when the child is better prepared to handle it, then you can go to every other week with a midweek dinner visit with the other parent.

Every other week honestly is better, in the long term, for children, because they can settle in someplace for a week at a time. Its a very hard life to have to change your home every few days. The problem with the really "littles" is that they don't understand what is going on, and often grieve for the other parent...so its a constant emotional high and low for them when its every other week.

Now, of course, in my totally personal opinion, which is not a legal opinion at all, a child should have one "home", but should see the other parent as close to every day as possible.

The way my ex and I handled it was that our daughter lived with me, but he stopped by after work on a daily basis, and either played outside with her and her friends, or did homework with her while I ran errands and made dinner, or took her off on an outing...etc. Then, he generally spent most of Saturday with her and I had Sunday...but we were totally flexible with each other if one of us had a weekend "thing". I sometimes joined them on Saturdays, and he sometimes joined us on Sundays, depending on what we were doing.

We even did some "joint" vacations.

Of course, that only works if both parties (and new significant others of both parties) are willing to leave their egos at the door.

It actually worked out very well for all of us. My ex could spend a couple of hours with our daughter after work everyday but still arrive at home only about 30 minutes later than he would have (rush hour traffic), and he and his girlfriend tended to have a later night social life, (going out to dinner at 8 or 9 with friends, most nights).

We were actually lucky, because many things could have messed up that dynamic. I deliberately chose not to seriously date because I knew it could mess up the dynamic. His long time girlfriend was mature and secure enough to be ok with it.

Our daughter was the envy of many of her friends as a result. I would hear them talking to her about how lucky she was.

And the best part of the whole thing as far as I am concerned? My ex and I, 19 years later, are still "family". My relationship with him is like having another brother.

 

[DecisionTime]

Thank you

I realize I didn't circle back on this - thank you for these ideas. We have agreed to a 5-5-2-2 schedule and just started a couple weeks ago. It's too early to report back on how she's handling it, but my word do I miss her on those five days. I'm sure soon enough I'll find a way to fill the time, but for now it feels like I'm rattling around in a life that's too big for just me. I know it's good for her to have this much time with us both, even though I miss her to pieces.

 

[Silverplum]

I realize I didn't circle back on this - thank you for these ideas. We have agreed to a 5-5-2-2 schedule and just started a couple weeks ago. It's too early to report back on how she's handling it, but my word do I miss her on those five days. I'm sure soon enough I'll find a way to fill the time, but for now it feels like I'm rattling around in a life that's too big for just me. I know it's good for her to have this much time with us both, even though I miss her to pieces.

I've read more than my share of obnoxious posts written by parents (usually mothers) who want, more than anything in the world, to erase/eradicate the other parent.

Kudos and congratulations to YOU for your excellent long-haul coparenting attitude!

 

[ErinGoBragh]

I've read more than my share of obnoxious posts written by parents (usually mothers) who want, more than anything in the world, to erase/eradicate the other parent.

Kudos and congratulations to YOU for your excellent long-haul coparenting attitude!

I was also struck by that from her first post- and the last one only cemented it. So nice to see, and unfortunately, getting rarer and rarer these days. This exemplifies having the best interest of the child at heart.

 

[DecisionTime]

Thank you both for those comments, I really appreciate it. I have to say, when the marriage first hid the skids, I was so angry, and so furious, and thought for sure he should only have supervised visitation. I lurked here and read a ton for a long time before posting and before we finally separated; and I have to credit this site with what I've learned and how I approach the situation now.

If I'd posted here in the first heat of the moment, I think I'd also have been one of "those mothers" , but have learned so much in the past year and a half.

No matter how much pain he and I caused each other, our daughter loves us both and should never think that her parents can't put what's best for her above our own petty squabbles.

 

[Silverplum]

Thank you both for those comments, I really appreciate it. I have to say, when the marriage first hid the skids, I was so angry, and so furious, and thought for sure he should only have supervised visitation. I lurked here and read a ton for a long time before posting and before we finally separated; and I have to credit this site with what I've learned and how I approach the situation now.

If I'd posted here in the first heat of the moment, I think I'd also have been one of "those mothers" , but have learned so much in the past year and a half.

No matter how much pain he and I caused each other, our daughter loves us both and should never think that her parents can't put what's best for her above our own petty squabbles.

Did I die and go to Heaven??

Is sensible, responsible coparenting the new black?

I feel faint and confused. Someone, quick -- I need chocolate! I need coffee! I need alcohol!



Seriously -- come to Denver, I'll buy you a steak dinner!

 

[Proserpina]

Did I die and go to Heaven??

Is sensible, responsible coparenting the new black?

I feel faint and confused. Someone, quick -- I need chocolate! I need coffee! I need alcohol!



Seriously -- come to Denver, I'll buy you a steak dinner!

I'll bring the wine!

You brightened my day, OP.

 

[stealth2]

I'm on my way. I'll... uuhhhh.... smile broadly, help you drink the wine and eat the steak, and pat you on the back. Fair enough?

I think I want to keep this thread as a link to post to posters like.... oh, I dunno... bamagrl? Or others of her ilk.