Paternity/support/custody issue. Yikes!

[virginia_mom]

I know I got myself into this mess but I'm looking for some thoughts on where it is going. Five years ago, my (then) husband and I separated. While separated, I had an affair and a child was conceived. I honestly wasn't (am not) sure if the father was my husband or this other man but my husband and I ended up back together. I spoke with the "other man" about the situation and he knew there was a possibility that he was the father. He did not want to test and did not want to be involved with the child.

Before my child's first brithday, my husband and I ended up separating for good. We've shared joint custody since then and paid to support "our" child in proportion to our incomes. I've never asked him for a test but took it on myself to test using our older child, the baby and myself. The test showed an extremely high probability that the two were full siblings and I put the matter to rest.

NOW comes my ex telling me that a year ago he tested and found out that he wasn't the father of my baby. He also told me that it didn't matter to him and that he was always going to be her father (just not by biology). He went on to tell me that he wants the court to order me to submit to a legal paternity test to prove that the child is not his. He says his reason is to "force" me to have to face this and "force" me to tell her the truth. Well, she's 4 so that's not happening any time soon although I agree that it will need to be done (if it is the case). I've offered to do a paternity test but he insists that it has to be a court-ordered, "legal" test.

My questions:
What could he possibly have to gain by getting a court-ordered test?
Under what circumstances would the courts even order a paternity test? If it isn't going to change custody/visitation or support why would they bother?
If the court uses this as justification for him to not pay support, wouldn't that also terminate joint custody (neither of which is in her best interests but don't they go together)?
This business of "forcing" me to "tell the truth" while the children are so young - would the court ever do this? Isn't this risking completely alienating both my children (the oldest is protective of dad)?

Any thoughts are appreciated although telling me that this is a hell of my own creation is a bit redundant at this point.

Thanks!
virginia

What is the name of your state? Virginia

 

[Chelle0511]

I know I got myself into this mess but I'm looking for some thoughts on where it is going. Five years ago, my (then) husband and I separated. While separated, I had an affair and a child was conceived. I honestly wasn't (am not) sure if the father was my husband or this other man but my husband and I ended up back together. I spoke with the "other man" about the situation and he knew there was a possibility that he was the father. He did not want to test and did not want to be involved with the child.

Before my child's first brithday, my husband and I ended up separating for good. We've shared joint custody since then and paid to support "our" child in proportion to our incomes. I've never asked him for a test but took it on myself to test using our older child, the baby and myself. The test showed an extremely high probability that the two were full siblings and I put the matter to rest.

NOW comes my ex telling me that a year ago he tested and found out that he wasn't the father of my baby. He also told me that it didn't matter to him and that he was always going to be her father (just not by biology). He went on to tell me that he wants the court to order me to submit to a legal paternity test to prove that the child is not his. He says his reason is to "force" me to have to face this and "force" me to tell her the truth. Well, she's 4 so that's not happening any time soon although I agree that it will need to be done (if it is the case). I've offered to do a paternity test but he insists that it has to be a court-ordered, "legal" test.

My questions:
What could he possibly have to gain by getting a court-ordered test?
Under what circumstances would the courts even order a paternity test? If it isn't going to change custody/visitation or support why would they bother?
If the court uses this as justification for him to not pay support, wouldn't that also terminate joint custody (neither of which is in her best interests but don't they go together)?
This business of "forcing" me to "tell the truth" while the children are so young - would the court ever do this? Isn't this risking completely alienating both my children (the oldest is protective of dad)?

Any thoughts are appreciated although telling me that this is a hell of my own creation is a bit redundant at this point.

Thanks!
virginia

What is the name of your state? Virginia

~It sounds as if dad has a trick or two under his sleeve. If he wants the test he can request it through the court, until then let it rest.

 

[virginia_mom]

He always has something up his sleeve! I guess that's why I can't let it rest right now - I hate being caught with my guard down.

Thanks for reading that long story. I just can't figure out where this is all coming from....

vm

 

[nextwife]

I honestly wasn't (am not) sure if the father was my husband or this other man but my husband and I ended up back together. I spoke with the "other man" about the situation and he knew there was a possibility that he was the father. He did not want to test and did not want to be involved with the child.

Before my child's first brithday, my husband and I ended up separating for good. We've shared joint custody since then and paid to support "our" child in proportion to our incomes. I've never asked him for a test but took it on myself to test using our older child, the baby and myself. The test showed an extremely high probability that the two were full siblings and I put the matter to rest.

NOW comes my ex telling me that a year ago he tested and found out that he wasn't the father of my baby. He also told me that it didn't matter to him and that he was always going to be her father (just not by biology). He went on to tell me that he wants the court to order me to submit to a legal paternity test to prove that the child is not his. He says his reason is to "force" me to have to face this and "force" me to tell her the truth. Well, she's 4 so that's not happening any time soon although I agree that it will need to be done (if it is the case). I've offered to do a paternity test but he insists that it has to be a court-ordered, "legal" test.

My questions:
What could he possibly have to gain by getting a court-ordered test?
Under what circumstances would the courts even order a paternity test? If it isn't going to change custody/visitation or support why would they bother?
If the court uses this as justification for him to not pay support, wouldn't that also terminate joint custody (neither of which is in her best interests but don't they go together)?

Evidentally. you felt that ONLY you and this other guy needed to be involved in deciding whether your husband should be kept in the dark about the parentage of the child he would be involved in raising? Um, didn't hubby also deserve to be part of this decison making process? You had no problem letting him bond with and pay support for a child that may well have been that of another man. I have no problem with a parent CHOOSING to raise and become parent of a child NOT biologically theirs, but it should be called adoption, NOT deception.

It was very unfair to put him and the child in the position of NOW discovering this. If all had known from the beginning, you would not now be first dealing with the problems this may create.

How would you like it if someone told you your child had been switched at the hospital and the one you had been raising wasn't yours after all? And that your husband had always known the child may not be "yours"?

 

[virginia_mom]

Thank you for your thoughts. I'm sorry you didn't have anything to address my questions but if the scolding made you feel better then I'm glad for that.

Blessings,
vm

 

[LdiJ]

Evidentally. you felt that ONLY you and this other guy needed to be involved in deciding whether your husband should be kept in the dark about the parentage of the child he would be involved in raising? Um, didn't hubby also deserve to be part of this decison making process? You had no problem letting him bond with and pay support for a child that may well have been that of another man. I have no problem with a parent CHOOSING to raise and become parent of a child NOT biologically theirs, but it should be called adoption, NOT deception.

It was very unfair to put him and the child in the position of NOW discovering this. If all had known from the beginning, you would not now be first dealing with the problems this may create.

How would you like it if someone told you your child had been switched at the hospital and the one you had been raising wasn't yours after all? And that your husband had always known the child may not be "yours"?

My impression is that her husband knew all along...I could be wrong...but that was my impression.

 

[haiku]

************

My questions:
What could he possibly have to gain by getting a court-ordered test?

***If he did only recently find out the kid is not his, he is probably mad-and hurt and rightly so. Depending on your state laws, paternity can be contested even after court orders have been made. A court ordered test is most times the only admissable test in a court of law.****

Under what circumstances would the courts even order a paternity test?

**If the law says it can be done and a parent requests it.***

If it isn't going to change custody/visitation or support why would they bother?

***Because a parent can request it, and it does make it possible to change things. And most improtantly, it makes it official as to who the father really ISN'T.
***
If the court uses this as justification for him to not pay support, wouldn't that also terminate joint custody (neither of which is in her best interests but don't they go together)?

***Yes***

This business of "forcing" me to "tell the truth" while the children are so young - would the court ever do this? Isn't this risking completely alienating both my children (the oldest is protective of dad)?

***While the circumstances should be left out, the YOUNGER a child knows who thier parents are, the easier it is for them in life. A court might order counseling to make this happen, but without a crystal ball, who can say?***

 

[virginia_mom]

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and reply to the questions. I'm still confused as to why he would want to insist on a court ordered test. It would seem that the only advantage there is the ability to submit it in court but why that would be an issue escapes me when he says that he still wants joint custody. Are there other things that he could use a paternity test for in court? There's no allimony and support is a straight up splitting of child expenses along income ratio.

As for the possibility that this is an emotional reaction I suppose that could be. He has known about this for some time now and generally is so non-emotional it is painful (part of the reason for the divorce/affair in the first place). Doing all of this as an emotional reacion doesn't fit with him, though.

Thanks again,
vm

 

[casa]

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and reply to the questions. I'm still confused as to why he would want to insist on a court ordered test. It would seem that the only advantage there is the ability to submit it in court but why that would be an issue escapes me when he says that he still wants joint custody. Are there other things that he could use a paternity test for in court? There's no allimony and support is a straight up splitting of child expenses along income ratio.

As for the possibility that this is an emotional reaction I suppose that could be. He has known about this for some time now and generally is so non-emotional it is painful (part of the reason for the divorce/affair in the first place). Doing all of this as an emotional reacion doesn't fit with him, though.

Thanks again,
vm

Did your X know of the affair when it happened? I ask because typically DNA testing involves both parents and the child. Maybe he didn't test the child but had doubts over time and by telling you he tested- he got the answer he suspected (that it may not be his). His love for the child made him want to continue to be 'Dad' but over time, ate at him until now he wants to know the Truth for his own peace of mind.

A court ordered DNA test will answer the question for both of you legally and for good. If he is not found to be the biological father, that doesn't necessarily mean he won't retain custody since he can certainly prove a case of having supported the child and established a bond as the father the child's entire life.

It could also be that his upset could have him petition the courts stating he did not know he was not the father and once the testing is complete, file to end his child support obligation (& even visitation if it pains him terribly to know the child is not his).

Handling this in court is actually wise *IMO* because at any time the bio father (if it's not your X) could show up and petition to establish paternity and visitation- and then you'd really have a huge transition on your hands.

The X wanting you to tell the child is his way of trying to make you take responsibility (and possibly him wanting you to 'pay' somehow by using the child's knowledge to cause you to feel shame or hurt you) If you are afraid he will tell the child, you could tell the child in age appropriate way. A therapist would help with this.

 

[kat1963]

If you already had a DNA test there really isn’t anything to worry about right? He has a right to know & obtain legal proof for himself. It’s probably eating at him just the same way it did you until you received proof of paternity.


In VA if he is found not to be the father then he is no longer required to pay child support. Domestic relations can order the return of any money that you received (for support) but only back to the date of his filing. However this does not stop him from filing against you in civil court for damages. There is no way for you stop the DNA testing once he files. The forms are even made available on line for pro se’ filings. VA doesn’t play games with paternity fraud…just taxes...and low waist pants.

KAT

 

[stealth2]

Aaaah, those danged tangled webs. Your ex-husband has every right to file for a paternity test. Should it show that he is NOT the bio-father, it is likely that a court would absolve him from paying support to you. However.... it is also possible that, since you knowingly allowed him to act as the father and he has done so - creating an emotional bond with the child - for the past 5 years, the court may choose to allow him to continue doing so in terms of visitation.

Payback's a b*tch, ain't it?

 

[Christine21]

Hello Virginia_Mom,
I am almost going through the same situation. Just a little different.Please keep me up to date. I have no post as of yet.


Thanks

 

[virginia_mom]

Regarding the support issue, since that seems to be coming up a bit I think I'd like to clarify. What he and I have done is to pay in proportion to income into an account that funds all child related expenses. For most of her life, I have paid over 50% of the money into that account and most of what has come out of it is daycare expenses - 50% of which would have been paid by him for the half time that he has her. There's no concern on my part about "losing" child support or any of that. It just doesn't factor in. I know the perception is that is a big deal for most women but given that I'm the one that's paid most of her support most of her life it's a non-issue here.

And Kat, you're right, I've already done a test so I'm not sure why I'm letting this rattle my cage (so to speak). He claims to have done one but it would have been without my DNA and at this point is just a claim. *sigh* I guess that speaks to the "fraud" issue as well. Yes, I knowingly allowed him to act as a father because I believed that he was! The "fraud" would have been before that and even then there is room for discussion on what he knew or didn't know. If it comes to that, this won't be the first time he's lied in court.

Thank you all for reading.

 

[casa]

VA doesn’t play games with paternity fraud…just taxes...and low waist pants.

KAT

LMAO ....so I hear!

 

[msfurman]

My situation is quite similar and I am in Va. So we should keep in touch on our situations. My post in dated 2/9/05 Paternity Help. I was in a relationship for 5 years. During a split, was seeing someone else, became pregnant. Got back together and at the time, didnt think that the baby could have belonged to boy#2. So when boy#1 and I got back together, I went along with, that he was dad. We split for perm. very soon after. He got into drugs and in jail for not paying support...etc. Well boy#2 comes along saying that he wants a paternity test cuz he still thinks its his child. Honestly, my son looks more like him. He's 4. I requested a court order for paternity test through Va. courts. I was scared that they would not order it since the child was so old now. But an attny told me that in 2000, they changed the law. That before, after the child reached a certain age, that you could not raise paternity. But now its changed and anyone at anytime for any reason can. That's number one. In my situation, the courts did not supoena the correct address, so he didnt show for the motion for genetic testing. However, when I told the judge that i was testing someone else (boy#2) privately, she just told me to bring the results back into court, gave me a new court date and said that she would look at them then. If they show that boy#2 is not the father, she will court order boy#1 to peternity test. The judge never asked me any questions as to why I wanted testing or anything. Now, to your other concerns, attny's have told me that I would need to prove that there is not a child/parent bond between boy#1 and child to stop the visitation. That even if he is found not to be the father, that the courts can still force visitation and support issues. In my situation, I think boy#2 is bio dad and thenI will motion the courts to dismiss all that has to do with custody, visitation,support.
It sounds like your ex doesnt REALLY know that he is not the father. Iagree with the other post, he wanted to see your reaction. NOw, Dad can do a paterinity test without you. They can do it with alleged father and child. They prefer to do mother, alleged father and child. But dont need mother. I went through DNA Diagnostic Center. They have a website. Look at it. It tells you everything. They are even court admissible. Youdont have to get a court order if he is willing to take it. I agree with you, if its not going to change the situation, then why force it. However, the court will be on your side in reference to a child should know who his father is. We hada court appointed Guardian Ad Litem, who basically backed me up on that. And is prepared to tell the court that if there is a quesiton is paternity, that the child should know. They will do the test if you ask, without too much question. I dont think your ex took the paternity test on his own. But it ispossible to do without your sample. Also, keep in mind, in VA, whoever request the test through the courts, has to pay for it. In Va, biological father weighs more than the non-biological. So, if your husband is found not to be the father and the real guy steps forward, your husband is though of as a third party and the wishes of the real bio dad take a front seat,m including visitation and custody and support. However, you said the other guy doesnt want any part of it. It could go one of these ways in court, If husband is found not to be the father, lets say, and the other man does not want to take his claim, and you show the court that there is a child/parent bond that would be detrimental to break if they dismiss cusotdy, support, visits, then they will IMPUTE him to be the real father and IMPUTE him to sontinue support and Order visitation. So, really, nothing would change in your situation, like you said. In my situation, I have a man who doesnt pay child support, admitted to past drug use and chlid abandonment etct..& other things........he is telling the court that there is a father/child bond, when there isnt one because he wants his mother to still see my son. Chances are, he will not get continued visitation and all matters before the court will be dropped because, the real dad will then want his time to bond. The real dad is prepared to step forward and say that by continuing visitation with this other man, it threatens his ability to create a parent/child bond. Etc. So hope some of this helps. I am in Va too and dealing with the same laws as you. But, your ex hasnt taken a daggon test. That was to test your reaction. Becasue if he really did, why would he need to go to the courts for a test?????? THink about it.