Phone calls and alienation

[suenoloco]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New Mexico
Since my divorce i have insisted that my daughters call me every night to tell me goodnight. When I was trying to call them at the first...they were always in the shower....at a friends house...etc. So I made a rule that THEY call me....tell me a little about their day and let me tell em i love them and goodnight. My ex has hated this from the beginning because she says it is a form of control and has told my daughters that they dont HAVE to call me. I say it is my right as a parent to demand certain things from my kids even when they arent under my roof. Im their dad ALL the time...not every other weekend. They have their own cell phones.....i pay my child support......am I wrong in this and is this a further form of alienation?

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New Mexico
Since my divorce i have insisted that my daughters call me every night to tell me goodnight. When I was trying to call them at the first...they were always in the shower....at a friends house...etc. So I made a rule that THEY call me....tell me a little about their day and let me tell em i love them and goodnight. My ex has hated this from the beginning because she says it is a form of control and has told my daughters that they dont HAVE to call me. I say it is my right as a parent to demand certain things from my kids even when they arent under my roof. Im their dad ALL the time...not every other weekend. They have their own cell phones.....i pay my child support......am I wrong in this and is this a further form of alienation?

No it is not a further form of alienation. Who pays for their cell phones? How old are the girls? It is truthfully on your shoulders to contact the children.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New Mexico
Since my divorce i have insisted that my daughters call me every night to tell me goodnight. When I was trying to call them at the first...they were always in the shower....at a friends house...etc. So I made a rule that THEY call me....tell me a little about their day and let me tell em i love them and goodnight. My ex has hated this from the beginning because she says it is a form of control and has told my daughters that they dont HAVE to call me. I say it is my right as a parent to demand certain things from my kids even when they arent under my roof. Im their dad ALL the time...not every other weekend. They have their own cell phones.....i pay my child support......am I wrong in this and is this a further form of alienation?

Well, you are demanding something that you likely don't have the legal right to demand. Technically you don't have the right to demand that the children do anything at all during mom's time. So in a way, you are being controlling. Yes, you are the children's father all the time, but you have no rights regarding what happens at mom's house, and mom has no rights regarding what happens at yours.

In order for you to have the legal right to demand that, your court orders would have to state that. Its unlikely that your court orders would state that the children are required to call you. They might state that you have the right to call them, but I don't think I have ever seen an order that stated the reverse.

There is also the cost factor. If you are paying for the cell phones then you are properly taking on the burden of the cost of the calls. However, if you are not, then that's another problem.

 

[stealth2]

They might state that you have the right to call them, but I don't think I have ever seen an order that stated the reverse.

Let me hold my order up to the screen for you then, LDi. My order states exactly that.

 

[bononos again]

Do you require they call Mom on your weekends?
Even though it is not in the CO. I think it is a good idea. But, that's IMO. It does seem easier to keep up the contact if the child is told to initiate it. That way, they can call based on their activities and when they are available to do this instead of the parent trying to play phone tag.

 

[kimberlywrites]

How old are the kids?
You can't make somebody call you. Why don't you just make sure the kids know they CAN call you anytime they want, instead of demanding they call you every night? Take some of the pressure off of them. Kids are more apt to do things if they think it's their idea in the first place. Lay off, and I bet they call you more.

 

[suenoloco]

Another question.....my 17 yr old told me i was being unreasonable because i wouldnt let her go to a camp her mother signed her up for during MY week of visitation. She then made the decision on her on to no longer come over for visitation. I suspect her mother put her up to it...but in any event...i went to the police with my court order that states my visitation, they told me there was nothing they could do about a 17 yr old. My question is this.....if I dont get to see her do I still have to pay child support for her? I didnt initiate the loss of visitation.

 

[wichitafalls1]

call them on wednesday or every other day or your going to drive them crazy.

tell them 'hey i will call wednesday to check in and if you want you can call me anytime' and then wait, they will get use to calling you on that day. and you might be surprised they will call you to just let you know something about their day if you are not making them feel like they have to make you happy.

 

[proud_parent]

Another question.....my 17 yr old told me i was being unreasonable because i wouldnt let her go to a camp her mother signed her up for during MY week of visitation. She then made the decision on her on to no longer come over for visitation. I suspect her mother put her up to it...but in any event...i went to the police with my court order that states my visitation, they told me there was nothing they could do about a 17 yr old. My question is this.....if I dont get to see her do I still have to pay child support for her? I didnt initiate the loss of visitation.

Yes YES YES! For the umpteenth time on this forum, child support is not an admission fee to see your child. Support and visitation are separate legal issues. You must pay support as court ordered. If you are being denied your court ordered visitation, petition to find your ex in contempt.

 

[suenoloco]

the kids are 17 and 11. I dont know if i shoulkd get into semantics but you stated I cant MAKE someone call me. "MAKE" is maybe the wrong word.....But i cant think of a better one off the bat. However, I "make" my kids go to school.....I "make" my kids brush their teeth....they do it out of repsect of their elders that they have been "made" to respect their whole lives. Hopefully, all parents "make" their kids do things. Maybe Im mixing a legal answer and a philosophical answer...but we all "make" our kids do things they might not want to do.

 

[suenoloco]

Yes YES YES! For the umpteenth time on this forum, child support is not an admission fee to see your child. Support and visitation are separate legal issues. You must pay support as court ordered. If you are being denied your court ordered visitation, petition to find your ex in contempt.

Ive seen that stated here many times but there IS a connection..at least in New Mexico.....Im not saying youre not right....but....in New Mexico my child support is based at least in part...on how much time I see my kids. There is a spreadsheet that you fill out..add in your income...babysitting expenses...etc....and THEN you add in what percentage of the 365 days you have your kid. If you have them MORE...you pay LESS because when they are with you you pay more for food...electricity...water..etc. So it DOES have SOME effect!!

 

[kimberlywrites]

I kind of doubt one time is enough to warrant a change in anything. Why not let her go to camp? She's a kid, it's summer! Your kids are going to resent you for being overly controlling. Expect them to rebel more than the usual.

 

[Humusluvr]

I kind of doubt one time is enough to warrant a change in anything. Why not let her go to camp? She's a kid, it's summer! Your kids are going to resent you for being overly controlling. Expect them to rebel more than the usual.

or, why don't you ask for a make-up week? I agree that this time, you may want to make a concession. Then hash it out with mom how you would like camp and the such handled in the future. Its a learning process.

 

[Silverplum]

Ive seen that stated here many times but there IS a connection..at least in New Mexico.....Im not saying youre not right....but....in New Mexico my child support is based at least in part...on how much time I see my kids. There is a spreadsheet that you fill out..add in your income...babysitting expenses...etc....and THEN you add in what percentage of the 365 days you have your kid. If you have them MORE...you pay LESS because when they are with you you pay more for food...electricity...water..etc. So it DOES have SOME effect!!

Solution to that issue: document each and every instance of the 17 y.o.'s refusal to go, and Mom's refusal to make her go to your house. File contempt each and every time -- that has nothing to do with what the cops are willing to do, this is with the Courts who issued the order. Judges are not ever amused to see parents allow children to decide whether or not to obey a court order.

Then, if Mom ever tries the tactic you outline above, you provide all documentation that you are not to blame for the missed parenting time, she is...and she will not profit from her ploy.

 

[suenoloco]

or, why don't you ask for a make-up week? I agree that this time, you may want to make a concession. Then hash it out with mom how you would like camp and the such handled in the future. Its a learning process.

I DID ask for a make up week. EX refused. This has been an ongoing problem (as i stated in a previous thread) of her making plans for the kids when its MY time with the kids. If I let them go...which I have done in the past...i lose time with my kids...if I dont let them go Im the bad guy. IMO>>>Im put in a no win situation. What happened in this instance I refused to let them go....i now have a 17 yr old who is screaming at ME....I told her she couldnt go to her boyfriends house that night for screaming at me....she left the next day while I was work.....and hasnt been back since.