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[LARosebud]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? RI

I've been married for 11yrs to a good man & provider. The problem I have is that he and my 17 yr old son do not see eye to eye. I am always stuck in the middle.
My husband has a developmental disorder that we have only discovered 2yrs ago. Since then I have tried to educate myself and my son about this.

Life has been difficult since the beginning. I managed to cope with the difficulties of living with someone afflicted with this disorder. But my son who has ADHD refuses to listen to my advise as to how to handle the difficult situations as they arise.

I love my husband very much. Yet, its becoming more evident that I need to save my son from the torment of living with my husband.

So, I would like to know where I stand should I decide to separate.
Facts:
Married for 11yrs
Own a home that the title is in both our names but the mortgage is in his.
Mortgage balance is around $80K.
No credit card debt.
Separate bank accounts but, I direct deposit my check into his account that I have no access to. He writes a check to me to cover incidentals.
He makes $88K. I make $24K.
Our cars are also separately registered.

What would the scenario be if we were to separate?
Any comments are welcome.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[mistoffolees]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? RI

I've been married for 11yrs to a good man & provider. The problem I have is that he and my 17 yr old son do not see eye to eye. I am always stuck in the middle.
My husband has a developmental disorder that we have only discovered 2yrs ago. Since then I have tried to educate myself and my son about this.

Life has been difficult since the beginning. I managed to cope with the difficulties of living with someone afflicted with this disorder. But my son who has ADHD refuses to listen to my advise as to how to handle the difficult situations as they arise.

I love my husband very much. Yet, its becoming more evident that I need to save my son from the torment of living with my husband.

So, I would like to know where I stand should I decide to separate.
Facts:
Married for 11yrs
Own a home that the title is in both our names but the mortgage is in his.
Mortgage balance is around $80K.
No credit card debt.
Separate bank accounts but, I direct deposit my check into his account that I have no access to. He writes a check to me to cover incidentals.
He makes $88K. I make $24K.
Our cars are also separately registered.

What would the scenario be if we were to separate?
Any comments are welcome.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

I would first encourage you to get counseling to see if you can work it out. Your son will be an adult in a year, anyway. Even if you file for divorce today, your son will probably turn 18 before the divorce is finalized, anyway. You consider him to be a good man and a good provider and his disorder apparently wasn't an issue until you 'discovered' it 2 years ago.

If you do get a divorce, you will each be entitled to an equitable distribution of marital property. Typically, that means 1/2 of marital assets and 1/2 of debt. However, since RI is an equitable distribution state and your incomes are so different, the properties could be split differently than 50:50.

You will probably each keep your own car. For the house, you will be entitled to your share (often 1/2) of the equity. There are two options:
1. You keep the house and refinance the remaining mortgage into your own name and give him cash or other assets equal to the current equity.
2. He leaves the mortgage in his name, keeps the house, and pays you your share of the current equity.
Given your income level, #1 may be out of the question.

As for the bank accounts, it doesn't really matter whose name is on them as long as they're marital accounts (since you've been depositing your paycheck into the account, it's clearly marital). If either of you had assets before you were married and kept them separate, they remain separate.

If you have primary physical custody, you will receive child support. You can look up a calculator for your state online.

You MIGHT receive alimony (spousal support) for a couple of years, but that's not guaranteed.

If you file for divorce, you should immediately stop depositing your paycheck into an account you have no access to. Get your own account.

 

[LARosebud]

You consider him to be a good man and a good provider and his disorder apparently wasn't an issue until you 'discovered' it 2 years ago.

His disorder has been an issue. It's just that when we discovered what it was, I/we were finally able to explain why things are the way they are. It's like trying to figure out why someone can't see what you are pointing at. You then discover that that someone is vision impaired. No matter how hard you try to keep showing him he still cannot see and he can't do a thing about it.

Because I now know what it is, it is up to me to adapt to his limitations. I have been in counseling as well as my son. My husband would never agree to any sort of counseling for himself.

 

[LdiJ]

His disorder has been an issue. It's just that when we discovered what it was, I/we were finally able to explain why things are the way they are. It's like trying to figure out why someone can't see what you are pointing at. You then discover that that someone is vision impaired. No matter how hard you try to keep showing him he still cannot see and he can't do a thing about it.

Because I now know what it is, it is up to me to adapt to his limitations. I have been in counseling as well as my son. My husband would never agree to any sort of counseling for himself.

In my opinion you should stop the direct deposit now. You need to be in control of your own earnings.