Post Divorce Spousal Support Request

[Kansas Mom]

Kansas

I was divorced in February 2010. At the time of the divorce, my ex was making $49k. I was making $43k. We had been married 23 years and have three children ages 18, 16 and 11. Up until approximately a year prior to deciding to divorce, my husband earned $150-200k a year. The year we separated and divorced was the first time ever he has made that low of an income. At the time I did not ask for spousal support since he couldn't afford it and we split the children's expenses relative to our income roughly 50/50.

Four months later, he takes a consulting position with a prior employer and I have discovered he is now making approximately $160k. The divorce agreement reserves the right for me to ask for spousal support in the future. Obviously I believe he is at a stage where he can provide support and clearly believe he took a low paying position for the intent of skirting spousal support at the time and making his child support payments low as well.

How do I approach this? I don't want to tick him off since we get along for the children's sake but frankly I'm very pissed since we had an oral agreement prior to this that we would inform the other if our financial arrangements changed. But, I assume, I have a case if he doesn't volunteer to offer spousal support?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[Antigone*]

Kansas

I was divorced in February 2010. At the time of the divorce, my ex was making $49k. I was making $43k. We had been married 23 years and have three children ages 18, 16 and 11. Up until approximately a year prior to deciding to divorce, my husband earned $150-200k a year. The year we separated and divorced was the first time ever he has made that low of an income. At the time I did not ask for spousal support since he couldn't afford it and we split the children's expenses relative to our income roughly 50/50.

Four months later, he takes a consulting position with a prior employer and I have discovered he is now making approximately $160k. The divorce agreement reserves the right for me to ask for spousal support in the future. Obviously I believe he is at a stage where he can provide support and clearly believe he took a low paying position for the intent of skirting spousal support at the time and making his child support payments low as well.

How do I approach this? I don't want to tick him off since we get along for the children's sake but frankly I'm very pissed since we had an oral agreement prior to this that we would inform the other if our financial arrangements changed. But, I assume, I have a case if he doesn't volunteer to offer spousal support?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

No matter how you approach him with you, you can't expect that he's going to be thrilled. You might want to let him know of your intentions and then file the motion.

 

[Bali Hai]

Kansas

I was divorced in February 2010. At the time of the divorce, my ex was making $49k. I was making $43k. We had been married 23 years and have three children ages 18, 16 and 11. Up until approximately a year prior to deciding to divorce, my husband earned $150-200k a year. The year we separated and divorced was the first time ever he has made that low of an income. At the time I did not ask for spousal support since he couldn't afford it and we split the children's expenses relative to our income roughly 50/50.

Four months later, he takes a consulting position with a prior employer and I have discovered he is now making approximately $160k. The divorce agreement reserves the right for me to ask for spousal support in the future. Obviously I believe he is at a stage where he can provide support and clearly believe he took a low paying position for the intent of skirting spousal support at the time and making his child support payments low as well.

If that were the case, how do you explain his agreement to leave the spousal support issue open after the divorce was final? Does the agreement reserve the right for HIM to ask alimony from you in the future? If not, why not?

How do I approach this? I don't want to tick him off since we get along for the children's sake but frankly I'm very pissed since we had an oral agreement prior to this that we would inform the other if our financial arrangements changed. But, I assume, I have a case if he doesn't volunteer to offer spousal support?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

Since he AGREED to leave alimony open, why would you think he would be ticked off. You have made your feelings clear and I'm still trying to understand what you're upset about.

 

[Kansas Mom]

Bali Hai

Excellent point Bali Hai. The reason I'm upset is because he is not being upfront with me regarding his change in income. He refuses to discuss his current income and only says it has increased about 2/3rds. He is being very vague. It is the perception that he is trying to hide the change in income and the attitude that he is paying more than his fair share that is upsetting.

However, you brought up a wonderful point! Since he agreed to this point in the divorce decree I shouldn't worry about telling him I wish to pursue spousal support now that he is in a different, and much improved, income bracket and I will just assume that he will remember this part of the divorce agreement. He did sign off on it after all. For him to be angry over something he agreed to is not my fault.

Much thanks for pointing me in this direction. Really appreciate it!

 

[tuffbrk]

Would love to know how you "discovered" his new salary amount.

 

[Bali Hai]

Excellent point Bali Hai. The reason I'm upset is because he is not being upfront with me regarding his change in income. He refuses to discuss his current income and only says it has increased about 2/3rds. He is being very vague. It is the perception that he is trying to hide the change in income and the attitude that he is paying more than his fair share that is upsetting.

However, you brought up a wonderful point! Since he agreed to this point in the divorce decree I shouldn't worry about telling him I wish to pursue spousal support now that he is in a different, and much improved, income bracket and I will just assume that he will remember this part of the divorce agreement. He did sign off on it after all. For him to be angry over something he agreed to is not my fault.

Much thanks for pointing me in this direction. Really appreciate it!

Well you know it's kind of like cohabitation or remarriage of an alimony recipient. The payor has the burden of proof.

It's up to YOU, not him, to prove his income has increased and convince the court to modify the order.

You didn't answer my question. Did the agreement reserve the right for your ex to seek spousal support post divorce from you as well?

 

[Kansas Mom]

to Bali Hai

No. It does not reserve the right for him to ask me. Just me.

 

[Kansas Mom]

Tuff brk

LOL...Well, I was over at his house picking up our daughter and she said I had some mail on the desk. I was looking through the stack of envelopes and wouldn't you know! Right there was the W-2 tax envelope...as well as a very bright 100 watt bulb in the desk lamp.

My bad. ha ha

 

[Ohiogal]

LOL...Well, I was over at his house picking up our daughter and she said I had some mail on the desk. I was looking through the stack of envelopes and wouldn't you know! Right there was the W-2 tax envelope...as well as a very bright 100 watt bulb in the desk lamp.

My bad. ha ha

You are pathetic. In other words you found out ILLEGALLY.

 

[Kansas Mom]

To Ohio Gal

Yep. I did. However, it only verified what I already suspected. He had worked for this individual in the past for years and I knew what he had been consistently paid in the past. I now at least know it's worth proving legally now.

After 23 years of a slowly evolving relationship that turned into covert abuse and neglect from a man with psychological and delusional issues, I finally had the courage and strength to leave this situation and figure out a way to provide a steady income, reliable health insurance and a college education for my three children. Frankly, I'm proud that I finally have the guts to stand up to this controlling man.

If confirming my suspicions with a momentary glance from a 100 watt bulb makes me a pathetic human being, so be it. Hang me for it.

 

[stealth2]

The attitude's a bit repulsive.

Why do you need spousal support? Why not just go for a modification of child support?

 

[Bali Hai]

The attitude's a bit repulsive.

Why do you need spousal support? Why not just go for a modification of child support?

Because the law says she can get both? Are you suggesting that someone who doesn't respect someone else's privacy has a conscience? She obviously has a chip on her shoulder and is going to get even, with the court's help.

 

[Kansas Mom]

To All

Actually you guys, you are right. I do have a chip on my shoulder. And, an attitude. Something I didn't have while I was married. Frankly, it wasn't until the past few weeks that I finally realized what a horrifically emotionally abusive situation I had been in and it's like the blinder was lifted.

It happens slowly in a relationship. So slowly you don't realize it's happening until you are so far into being treated poorly that it has become the norm. I've been divorced for a year. Being away from him and on my own and taking care of the kids has truly opened my eyes.

So, am I pissed? Yep. Mad as hell frankly. Mad at him for how he treated me and remembering bits and pieces here and there and never seeing the abusive situation because it was always done with a smile.

But mostly I'm mad at myself for being so blind to most of it and for overlooking and accepting that which I did see.

Yep. I've been raging for a few weeks just trying to figure out how in the hell a semi-educated person with a masters degree, in communication, no less--rather ironic--could have gotten into a situation like this.

But to be honest, your comments have been direct and on point. I was wrong in checking out the mail. This has been a great forum for me to vent, get my paws slapped by you guys a little bit, receive some good advice and plop me back on a more positive track. And for that, thank you.

I love the idea of expanding the child support amount. It's targeted to the children which is where it should be. I've made it this far on my own. Time to refocus in a positive direction. Much appreciation for the honesty in your responses as well as the time each of you took to actually respond to me.

Kansas Mom.

PS- And I will stay away from bright bulbs in the future.

 

[Ohiogal]

Actually you guys, you are right. I do have a chip on my shoulder. And, an attitude. Something I didn't have while I was married. Frankly, it wasn't until the past few weeks that I finally realized what a horrifically emotionally abusive situation I had been in and it's like the blinder was lifted.

It happens slowly in a relationship. So slowly you don't realize it's happening until you are so far into being treated poorly that it has become the norm. I've been divorced for a year. Being away from him and on my own and taking care of the kids has truly opened my eyes.

So, am I pissed? Yep. Mad as hell frankly. Mad at him for how he treated me and remembering bits and pieces here and there and never seeing the abusive situation because it was always done with a smile.

But mostly I'm mad at myself for being so blind to most of it and for overlooking and accepting that which I did see.

Yep. I've been raging for a few weeks just trying to figure out how in the hell a semi-educated person with a masters degree, in communication, no less--rather ironic--could have gotten into a situation like this.

But to be honest, your comments have been direct and on point. I was wrong in checking out the mail. This has been a great forum for me to vent, get my paws slapped by you guys a little bit, receive some good advice and plop me back on a more positive track. And for that, thank you.

I love the idea of expanding the child support amount. It's targeted to the children which is where it should be. I've made it this far on my own. Time to refocus in a positive direction. Much appreciation for the honesty in your responses as well as the time each of you took to actually respond to me.
Kansas Mom.

PS- And I will stay away from bright bulbs in the future.

Seriously, having a chip hurts you more than it hurts him. And if you are primary custodian, it hurts the children. You need to love your children more than you hate him.
Also finding out illegally -- ... I would say something but since you seem to have gotten it i won't go off as I would if you were living in a bubble. Go for child support but not alimony. Stand strong. You don't NEED him to support you. Supporting the children is a difference.

 

[Kansas Mom]

Ohio

You are absolutely right, Ohio. I do not need anything from him but a working parenting relationship--which we have. Honestly, I've taken the high road the WHOLE time but just had a moment of GRRRRRRRRRR the past few weeks when it all hit me.

I've also kept my venting here in the forum and with a couple of close friends and never in front of the children. (Thank God!) Glad you guys slapped me on my ass before I did say something ugly in front of the children. That's really not like me. Just a bunch of years of pent up anger and frustration starting to run loose.

I'm educated, stronger now and getting savvier by the day. I think I'll be just fine.

Thank you.