Practicing alcoholic wants divorce

[AntonioD]

Nevada. I'm 50, now I have a felony record, I've been in recovery for years now, I'm a professional, unemployed receiving UI, never cheated on or hit my wife. I'm the primary caretaker of two beautiful children, I have been physically abused in front of them on a number of occasions. She is an alcoholic/addict, professional, has an addict history, addict parent history, never takes care of the kids, had a child from a previous marriage (I'm the 3rd) that she allowed go to the streets on drugs & had to leave this home and the state for her biological father's home at age 15. The mother herself was in a program at age 15. My older child here is very angry with her, and both want to live with me, but I can't afford to move separately. She apparently wants to continue to use without my hassling her. It's her family's home, no rent paid, been here 9 years. Family said neither her or I would be here if it weren't for the kids, and "it's not her house", it's theirs. I'd like her to leave, or enter a program and I have full custody, possibly child support. I would not keep the children from her, just her use and neglect. She's been disappearing overnight lately on the weekends, claiming it's her right to party and that she's not an alcoholic, etc. Any advice?

 

[Ohiogal]

Nevada. I'm 50, now I have a felony record, I've been in recovery for years now, I'm a professional, unemployed receiving UI, never cheated on or hit my wife. I'm the primary caretaker of two beautiful children, I have been physically abused in front of them on a number of occasions. She is an alcoholic/addict, professional, has an addict history, addict parent history, never takes care of the kids, had a child from a previous marriage (I'm the 3rd) that she allowed go to the streets on drugs & had to leave this home and the state for her biological father's home at age 15. The mother herself was in a program at age 15. My older child here is very angry with her, and both want to live with me, but I can't afford to move separately. She apparently wants to continue to use without my hassling her. It's her family's home, no rent paid, been here 9 years. Family said neither her or I would be here if it weren't for the kids, and "it's not her house", it's theirs. I'd like her to leave, or enter a program and I have full custody, possibly child support. I would not keep the children from her, just her use and neglect. She's been disappearing overnight lately on the weekends, claiming it's her right to party and that she's not an alcoholic, etc. Any advice?

File for divorce and request custody of your joint children. How long have you been married?

 

[mistoffolees]

File for divorce and request custody of your joint children. How long have you been married?

OP can also request temporary possession of the marital home.

 

[LdiJ]

OP can also request temporary possession of the marital home.

Yes, but apparently it doesn't belong to them, therefore at best they are month to month tenants and can be evicted in 30-60 days.

 

[mistoffolees]

Yes, but apparently it doesn't belong to them, therefore at best they are month to month tenants and can be evicted in 30-60 days.

True, but that will give OP a few weeks to find a place. That's better than being out on the street today.

 

[AntonioD]

...Divorce

OK, Married since 2004, together 16+ years. She's currently having an affair as well. (What does OP mean?) Last night she left my 13 and 11 year old on the Las Vegas strip, went to go get drunk/have an affair and forgot about them-even their friends said she was wasted. I have no more money-none-can't file. She's gonna file in 2 weeks and try to get me out so she can have her way. Do I have ANY recourse legally? Any rights based on her behavior? She just laughs (is drunk right now) and throws it in my face and totally verbally abuses me. There's got to be a legitimate, legal way I can get her out or get her into a program! (?)

 

[LdiJ]

OK, Married since 2004, together 16+ years. She's currently having an affair as well. (What does OP mean?) Last night she left my 13 and 11 year old on the Las Vegas strip, went to go get drunk/have an affair and forgot about them-even their friends said she was wasted. I have no more money-none-can't file. She's gonna file in 2 weeks and try to get me out so she can have her way. Do I have ANY recourse legally? Any rights based on her behavior? She just laughs (is drunk right now) and throws it in my face and totally verbally abuses me. There's got to be a legitimate, legal way I can get her out or get her into a program! (?)

Getting her out of the house would be a problem, because the house doesn't belong to you, at best you are month to month tenants, and the odds that her family wouldn't evict you in the case of a divorce are slim to none. They aren't going to be interested in providing you free housing.

It would probably be wiser for you to leave and take the children with you.

 

[randolph76]

OP is Original Poster, i.e. YOU

 

[ecmst12]

You can't force her to get help if she doesn't want it. Won't do any good anyway.

 

[AntonioD]

So, if she serves me, do I have to leave? I have a lot of evidence of blatantly negligent parenting, audio admissions of drug use, and the kids will recount episode after episode of her just ignoring them and getting smashed-years of it! She tells me she'll get the kids, and I'll be out on my rear just because she is currently making more money, and as a no fault state she gets the divorce, as well as everything else because she filed. Would I be better off signing the papers for a split down the middle, kids included? If it's her parent's home, how can she kick ME out if I'm the only one that's been taking care of the kids? Is our system THAT BAD?!? I can't afford a place until I get a job, and even then I don't want the kids alone with her, EVER, because she's constantly loaded. What do you think the court will say? By the way, just being able to communicate about this has relieved more stress than I thought existed, thank you!

 

[mistoffolees]

So, if she serves me, do I have to leave? I have a lot of evidence of blatantly negligent parenting, audio admissions of drug use, and the kids will recount episode after episode of her just ignoring them and getting smashed-years of it! She tells me she'll get the kids, and I'll be out on my rear just because she is currently making more money, and as a no fault state she gets the divorce, as well as everything else because she filed. Would I be better off signing the papers for a split down the middle, kids included? If it's her parent's home, how can she kick ME out if I'm the only one that's been taking care of the kids? Is our system THAT BAD?!? I can't afford a place until I get a job, and even then I don't want the kids alone with her, EVER, because she's constantly loaded. What do you think the court will say? By the way, just being able to communicate about this has relieved more stress than I thought existed, thank you!

Let's take it one step at a time:

- You don't have to leave until there's a court order for you to leave.

- She may or may not get the kids - it will be up to the court to determine what is in the kids' best interests. Much of that will depend on who proves their case better.

- Be careful of the audio recordings. Make sure you've followed the law in your state. Nevada is technically a one-party consent state, but the state supreme court has interpreted that in funny ways so you essentially need the permission of everyone on the call. Recording without permission could have very dire consequences.

- SHE can not kick you out of the home. The court can do that if she convinces them that she should get the marital home. Or, her parents can evict you - which also requires a court order. However, you will not be staying in that house for the long run, so you might as well start making arrangements for somewhere new right now.

- You need to get a job

- You need to temper the bitterness. For example, how is it that she's making enough money for the entire family to live on while you don't have a job - yet you assert that SHE is a worthless bum?

- The kids probably won't be able to testify. If a GAL or custody evaluation is ordered, they will be able to talk to the evaluator.

- It's not up to you to decide whether she can be alone with the kids. It's up to the judge. Once again, it depends on how well you present your case. I would suggest that you do not talk about never letting her see the kids. Rather, talk about how important it is for her to see the kids but you want it to be supervised for the kids' safety. There's a world of difference between those two positions.

- It is absolutely not true that she gets everything simply because she files first. You will each get 1/2 of marital assets and 1/2 of marital debt. Custody will be determined on the basis of what's best for the kids.

 

[AntonioD]

At this point, I feel it unsafe for them to be alone with her, and the kids agree. The recordings are in the home, no phones. I am on unemployment and now make half what she makes. When I receive my license I will make 25-30% more than her. My last employer recently closed it's doors (inside Station Casinos here in Vegas; just as the Fertitta's came out of bankruptcy) where I was making as much as her. I don't want her alone with the kids but I understand it's what the court decides. I want her to be there for her kids but not loaded. I hope she gets sober, for everyone's sake. I would never keep the kids from her unless she a danger to them, herself or grossly disabled. You've been wonderful, again, thank you!

 

[LdiJ]

At this point, I feel it unsafe for them to be alone with her, and the kids agree. The recordings are in the home, no phones. I am on unemployment and now make half what she makes. When I receive my license I will make 25-30% more than her. My last employer recently closed it's doors (inside Station Casinos here in Vegas; just as the Fertitta's came out of bankruptcy) where I was making as much as her. I don't want her alone with the kids but I understand it's what the court decides. I want her to be there for her kids but not loaded. I hope she gets sober, for everyone's sake. I would never keep the kids from her unless she a danger to them, herself or grossly disabled. You've been wonderful, again, thank you!

I agree with everything that Misto said, but I am going to add a few more things.

GET RID OF THE RECORDING DEVICES AND THE RECORDINGS. You will get slammed by the judge for recording her in the privacy of the home.

If she is holding down a job and supporting the family she is not quite as dysfunctional as you are making her out to be, so be careful there. Her family are not quite as dysfunctional as you are making them out to be either if they can not only support themselves, but provide free housing for your family.

Don't harp on her past, because you also have a past. Focus on the now and the best interests of the children. People have a tendency to exaggerate the faults of their spouse when a divorce is happening...which sometimes causes truly vital issues to get ignored, because it damages their credibity. It sounds like you truly have important issues to address, therefore don't let your credibility get damaged.

Also, be careful that your attitude regarding your wife doesn't spill over onto the children. I realize that they are seeing things themselves, but you want to be careful not to contribute to any alienation.

 

[mistoffolees]

At this point, I feel it unsafe for them to be alone with her, and the kids agree. The recordings are in the home, no phones. I am on unemployment and now make half what she makes. When I receive my license I will make 25-30% more than her. My last employer recently closed it's doors (inside Station Casinos here in Vegas; just as the Fertitta's came out of bankruptcy) where I was making as much as her. I don't want her alone with the kids but I understand it's what the court decides. I want her to be there for her kids but not loaded. I hope she gets sober, for everyone's sake. I would never keep the kids from her unless she a danger to them, herself or grossly disabled. You've been wonderful, again, thank you!

You're missing almost all of my points:

1. The recordings may be illegal. Stop it.

2. Whether the kids agree or not is irrelevant. In fact, your discussing it with them may be perceived as negative - you appear to be alienating the other parent.

3. I don't care what the financial situation is. She's making enough to support your family, so stop with the "she's hopelessly worthless and doesn't contribute a thing" crap.

4. No one cares if you think it's unsafe for her to be around the kids. What FACTUAL EVIDENCE do you have?

 

[Ohiogal]

I agree with everything that Misto said, but I am going to add a few more things.

GET RID OF THE RECORDING DEVICES AND THE RECORDINGS. You will get slammed by the judge for recording her in the privacy of the home.

If she is holding down a job and supporting the family she is not quite as dysfunctional as you are making her out to be, so be careful there. Her family are not quite as dysfunctional as you are making them out to be either if they can not only support themselves, but provide free housing for your family.

Don't harp on her past, because you also have a past. Focus on the now and the best interests of the children. People have a tendency to exaggerate the faults of their spouse when a divorce is happening...which sometimes causes truly vital issues to get ignored, because it damages their credibity. It sounds like you truly have important issues to address, therefore don't let your credibility get damaged.

Also, be careful that your attitude regarding your wife doesn't spill over onto the children. I realize that they are seeing things themselves, but you want to be careful not to contribute to any alienation.

If she is AWARE she is being recorded -- a video camera in plain site recording for instance, then that is not an issue.